I'm Just Another Lady Without A Baby OR I Guess We'll Just Have To Adjust
“And I say there’s trouble when everything is fine. The need to destroy things creeps up on me every time.” - ‘The Absence Of God’, Rilo Kiley.
This Rilo Kiley quote is pretty much how I live my life these days it seems. This struggle to conceive has made me realize how much I tend to destroy things for myself. It’s like I want myself to fail so I can have something to talk about and have people feel sorry for me or to justify my constant feelings of disappointment and jealousy. Or maybe it’s just a distraction for me because I feel I don’t deserve anything happy or what I really want. Or maybe I DO like this feeling of having a hole in me that will never get filled with the love of a child. I dunno. I feel more and more like that each month when I get my period after trying to conceive for 3 years, meanwhile, my friends keep getting pregnant every day, week, month, and get all the things I want and they have only been trying a few months or not at all just, OOPS. Because, you know, fairness.
“It’s become just like a chemical stress, tracing the lines in my face for something more beautiful than is there. I’ve barely been gone.” - ‘My Slumbering Heart’, Rilo Kiley.
Yeah, I could quote Rilo Kiley and Jenny Lewis songs all day long and I could find one that describes how I feel or something I am going through at any given time. Thanks for the realness over the years, Jenny Lewis. You’re my spirit animal. You and Taylor Swift at the moment. Self realization is a hell of a thing. “Shake it off, shake it off…” - Taylor Swift. I KNOW girl, I KNOW. I’M TRYING!!
“There's only one difference between you and me. When I look at myself, all I can see, I'm just another lady without a baby.” - ‘Just One Of The Guys’, Jenny Lewis.
But since I have nothing really new to write about or tell you, as I am, apparently, a one note sad sack who dedicates most of her time and energy to trying to get pregnant and keeps failing at it, I will leave you with an Arcade Fire song that has stuck with me over the years and can be attributed to almost any situation I am in. It speaks to my pessimistic nature and must be why I like them so much. :) Funeral is still one of my favorite albums of all time. So dark. So beautiful. I remember hearing this song, Wake Up, for the first time in 2005 and feeling things I have never felt before. It was like my entire generation was singing away their angst at the same moment in those WHOAS at the beginning and throughout the song, and I just felt SO MANY FEELINGS. You can see and hear that same energy this songs gives people years later in this audience at the 2010 Reading Festival. They get it.
“Something filled up my heart with nothing. Someone told me not to cry. But now that I’m older, my heart’s colder and I can see that it’s a lie.” - ‘Wake Up’, Arcade Fire.
