Misadventures in Baby-Making OR Is this thing on?

Mandi babbles about her struggle getting pregnant.

[mandileblanc]

Happy Times OR Cautiously Optimistic

6.26.18

Hello blog world! It’s been a while. About a year and change, actually. Well, it’s not easy to write about things that are not happening to you, so, you get silence from me for over a year on this thing. Hehe…

As most of you probably know by now, I am finally pregnant. 25 weeks, or about 6 months right now, and I’m due in early October. But, it took A LOT to get to this point, and I’m still nervous about it all.

So, how did we get here? Well, we spent most of 2017 feeling sorry for ourselves for a few months, not wanting to talk about kids or anything and just give ourselves a break from it all. We were both so depressed for so long, we needed to just be with each other and support each other.

Then we discussed adoption, and looked into it and started contacting agencies, etc. After getting recommendations about one agency by many friends and our doctors, we contacted them by filling out this massive form online about what we would consider in our adoption, and they were supposed to get back to us in 10 days. Well, they didn't and Jeremiah ended up having to contact them and they set up a phone interview with us. It was one of the most horrible phone calls I've ever had. In fact, it made me feel pretty shitty, I have to say.

The lady we had our call with talked to us like she was half ass listening, like she had already made up her mind about us from the form we filled out, and it wasn't good. She made me feel inadequate and like we were being too picky, when I thought we were really open with ourselves and what we would want. I'm pretty sure they were not even going to call us back before we called because of that. We were basically informed that we are apparently not open enough in our choices of race, drug use, genetics, etc. I thought we were pretty open, and the only things we didn't check were severely affected with anything, drugs, alcohol, etc. She made us feel like the answers we had given to questions like, "Would you want to work with a mother who was taking all these different drugs?" were not open enough, even though the only ones we answered absolutely no to were like heroin and meth. Anyway, it was awful, and needless to say I didn't really feel like things were going to go well.

Also, there's already a waiting list of 18 people, they only want 20 at a time, and there are 6 others waiting to get on the waiting list. We were informed that we wouldn't even make the list at this point and could be waiting for over 6 months. We could go to their class, that wasn’t for 3 more months at the time, if we wanted. Then she told us about other agencies in the area, like they don't even want to try and work with us. Soooo, yeah. That didn't make us feel any better about any of this.

I mean, she made me feel like a complete asshole. What if I had said I only wanted a white kid, what then? It was just so odd, I never felt more judged. It was awful. Thankfully it was over the phone because I probably would have said more, cried or been a total bitch in person. I was on the verge of tears when she asked if we wanted any other agency recommendations. Oh, okay so you don't even want to work with us? That hurt. And they don't even know us or what we have been through, so double hurt. And Jeremiah just kept saying, “Well, I thought we were pretty open” when he asked what we would need to do to be considered. She just kept saying be more open in what we are willing to accept, and seriously, he said he thought we were pretty open at least 3 times after she went over all our answers. I finally said, “Sooo, do we need to accept EVERYTHING to even be considered?” She was like, “Well, it would certainly help if you were more open”, that's when Jeremiah said we were for the last time. I mean, we said yes to LITERALLY every possible option besides heavy drug use. She made me feel like I was judgemental and racist against babies. Seriously.

She suggested we talk to their Genetic counselor, and we set up an appt. The counselor immediately told us we were not unreasonable and she totally put us at ease. She assured us that we were not being that picky and that we shouldn’t feel bad about any of our answers. She wanted to know who we talked to and felt bad that we were treated that way and felt the way we did, and wanted to reassure us that what we had answered was fine, and not sure why this agent made us feel this way, blah blah blah. She said they are probably just REALLY full right now, but that didn't excuse the way we were talked to. So, who knows, maybe that person was having a bad day, and we would be on a list for a while. I just wish her bedside manner had been a little more understandable of how it would make us feel.  And if they are really full and we would have to wait over 6 months just to be put on a waiting list, we may want to talk to other agencies and see what their timeline would be anyway.

Literally, the next day, a friend who has also struggled with infertility contacted me and asked me where we were in our journey. She told me she was part of an online group that helps people that had previously done IVF who had embryos left that they were not going to use, find people who are looking to be recipients that they can donate their embryos to. These people "adopt" out their embryos to couples who can not reproduce on their own, which, sadly is us. She said she knew of a couple she saw in the group and thought of us immediately when she read their story as we share a lot of the same interests, ideals, etc. Needless to say, all of this literally fell in our laps and I will never be able to thank this friend enough for pointing us in this direction. :)

So we contacted them, shared our story with them, and they shared their story with us. They had 3 embryos that they had left from 14 years ago!! They have 14 year old twins! One of the donors was in San Antonio for a work conference in August of 2017, so we drove out there and met him. It could not have gone any better. It was like making a new friend, we all got along so well.  We talked and talked for hours and ate Mexican food, it was wonderful.

After much back and forth with lawyers and labs where they were stored and to be stored here in Austin, we finally got them at the end of December, 2017. We had to wait until after Christmas, but we transferred one of them on Jan. 20th and it took. A 14 YEAR OLD EMBRYO! Of course, this kid will probably look nothing like us, one of the donors is VERY tall and VERY blond, but I don’t care. All I care about is that I’m pregnant and will be having a boy in October. So far everything has been good, and I'm in my second trimester, something I've never had happen before, so I'm feeling better about it all. I've been so cautiously optimistic this far, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but, I really hope it doesn't. I do have to go to a “high risk doctor” because i’m over 35. So, I’m basically going to two doctors this entire pregnancy, which I’m not mad about. I like them both and they both have made me and Jeremiah feel at ease about everything.

So, here we are, 25 weeks in. I’m starting to feel him move around more, it’s so weird! I have another doctor appointment tomorrow with my OBGYN, and for some reason, I’m always nervous to go to them and get bad news. Given my history, you can understand my hesitations, but, really after being this far along, I think things are going to be okay. :)

[mandileblanc]

Everything is Awful OR No, that’s it, Everything is Awful

12.29.2016

Everything is awful. It really is. 2016 is the worst year of my life. The last 4 years of my life have been pretty awful, but this one takes the cake. I have personally suffered more heartache and pain this year than the last few combined. It has truly been that awful. I will try and make this simple but not leave out any details if I can.

I would also like to preface this with the fact that I found out my bad news on the day the world lost Carrie Fisher. I can’t begin to say what Carrie Fisher meant to me. She was one of my first heroes on screen, a woman who showed me and countless other little girls that she would fight for what she thought was right, and didn’t really need to be rescued. But her writing meant more to me than anything. Carrie Fisher is one of the main reasons I started writing this blog in the first place. She showed me, and many others I’m sure, that it’s okay to wear your pain and your problems with pride and not hide behind it but be proud, as it makes you who you are. I am going to miss her and her candor. Her death makes this all just that much harder. And now Debbie Reynolds, too. My heart hurts even more.

So, let me try to make this brief, if I possibly can.

In August of this year, after another failed pregnancy earlier in March, third one if anyone is keeping score, Jeremiah and I embarked on an IVF journey. In Vitro Fertilization. IVF is the process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish, and then transferring the embryo to the uterus. I know, sexy right? It’s very intrusive to the woman, as you have to get many shots and take hormones and many other things. We did one round of it, we did not get past the extraction stage, as none of our embryos fertilized and we were not able to transfer any of them. After this, our doctor told me my eggs were poor, and quite possibly have been all along, and recommended we try donor eggs. So, after a long time thinking everything over and coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t share DNA with this possible child, we decided to try donor eggs. We went through donor profiles, chose someone, and started the process. Our doctor was very hopeful this would be it for us. Well, it started out well, we got 17 eggs from the donor. Then each day through the fertilization process, they would tell us that there were less and less of them fertilizing and were not going to make it. In the end, we had one, ONE embryo that survived, and one that we transferred. Then my HCG levels weren’t rising like they would hope they would, and I freaked out for weeks until each new test, causing me anxiety and stress I didn’t really need. And for a few weeks, I was pregnant, and all was well.

Until Tuesday, December 27th, 2016.  

That’s the day I found out that I was on my way to miscarriage #4. Just think about that for a second. FOUR miscarriages. And think about how that would make you feel. Because it’s doing a fucking number on me. Not to mention, this will be my second miscarriage this year. Nice way to bookend the year.

Our doctor is confused as well, and we have no more embryos to fall back on. At this point, she thinks it may be a sperm issue, which we've never had a problem with before. Soooo, I dunno. And now this has got Jeremiah thinking it’s all his fault now. Which it’s not, but I understand that feeling, I’ve been there. It’s exactly how I felt when she told me my eggs were poor. Great! My eggs suck, this is all my fault. Now you think it’s a sperm issue when it never has been before? What good does that do us now? Could you not have figured this out before we spent our entire life savings on procedures that gave us NOTHING?!? All I know is we have no more money to spend on this and I can't physically or mentally do this anymore. So, I guess that's that. And it kills me, but I just can't anymore. It's like a cruel joke someone keeps playing on us. WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO TO KEEP DESERVING THIS?

I'm fucking devastated. We’ve been here before, but this one is the worst by far. Because we've exhausted almost all options here. This was our Hail Mary, and it didn't fucking work. And me being unemployed through all this and still, well that adds another layer of humility to it all. Not being able to even find jobs in Austin that I would want is not a good thing or a good sign that Austin is where we should stay. I have nothing to do but sit and think and dwell on my shitty fucking life. I mean, if I’m going to be honest, I expected it. After miscarriage #2, I’ve just never felt the same again about being pregnant. I was happy, but I could never get excited, because in my gut, I knew it would end badly. In my gut, I never thought this would work, and we, of course, ended up exactly where we always do. It’s made me the most guarded and jaded person I know. I’m not really sure why we kept trying and running into the wall over and over again. And there's nothing really to say at this point. It sucks. No one can do anything about it. This is my life. This is how things go for Jeremiah and I. I don't expect good things to happen to us anymore. And I don’t expect to ever be happy. Because, these past 4 years, anything we try hard to achieve, it never happens for us. I mean, really, NEVER. This is just like the 800th sign for us to give it a fucking rest already. And I get it now. We’ll stop. Sorry we kept trying to achieve our dream. I guess we didn’t realize it’s not meant for us. I'm clearly not meant to give birth or be a mother. So, I guess I’ll stop trying and try to figure out something else as a dream of mine. Or not. At this point, I don’t know what I want anymore. Because what I really want, I can’t have. But everyone around me can, and it gets thrown in my face all day, every day. And that’s been made ABUNDANTLY clear to me now.

I know there are other options out there, I just can’t see any of them right now. All I can see is how much pain I am in and Jeremiah is in and how I have to have my second D&C of the year tomorrow. This is not something I wanted to have a “record” with. This is not something I ever wanted to even know about. But I do. Over and over again I do. This is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. I’m sincerely sorry for whatever it is we did to deserve this over and over again. I don’t know what that could be, but it sure as hell seems like we did something. I hope that 2017 and life in general will be kinder to Jeremiah and I, because I’m not sure how much more we can take. So, you can fuck off now 2016.

[mandileblanc]

Extraction OR Phase One

8.5.16

“It’s the day of the show, ya’ll!” (I know SOME of you will get that reference.)

Well, more like 2 days before the show, but the day we found out we are ready to do our extraction. Here’s a bunch of “Too Much Info on IVF procedures” for you on it all, just in case you are wondering.

The last two weeks have been nothing but injections of hormones every night and morning, and, needless to say, it’s been a bit rough on me. Nausea, loss of appetite, stomach issues, sensitivity on my stomach where the shots have occurred, bruising from the shots, mood swings, and the hot flashes! Oh man, the hot flashes. They have been THE WORST.

This past week has been a bit of a week, to say the least. Every day this week I’ve had to go to the doctor for an ultrasound, as well as blood tests every morning, my veins are TIRED, had to run around Austin for medicine because they are not sure each day if I need to continue taking them or not. (I had to.)

Jeremiah also sprained his ankle this past weekend helping my brother change a tire, and has been hobbling around all week and won't go to the doctor, because he's a man. hehe...it's looking better, he iced it when it happened, but still…

Not to mention, because we had to drive around one day for meds all over Austin, we got stuck in evening traffic and Jeremiah’s car, a 2003 VW Jetta, overheated and in the process broke the fan so the AC doesn't work now. That was NOT fun at 5:30 in traffic in this Texas heat. And now we have to deal with fixing that. Fun times!

So, I get the “trigger shot” tonight. The “trigger shot” is essentially a dose of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG), a pregnancy hormone produced by the placenta that encourages the production of progesterone. It is usually administered after gonadotropins are used to spark ovulation during the IVF process. Which is what all the other shots I’ve been taking have been doing. And who knows how this shot is going to make me feel. I have heard horror stories from some people that have done this and others who said it didn’t do anything to them, so, we shall see. I have a feeling it will make me feel terrible, because, I’m me, and I usually get all the side effects of things. Hehe…Then they do the extraction on Sunday.

I’m pretty nervous about all this. It is a surgery I will be getting and have to be put under for, and that freaks me out every time I have to do that. Of course, I’d much rather be out than have to be awake for all this. No thanks! Let’s just hope any of this works and we can move on to the next step.

So, here we go. Phase One. Let’s do this.

[mandileblanc]

IVF or Bust!

July 13, 2016

I can’t believe I am being so candid with, well, the internet, about VERY personal things. But, I also find it all quite difficult to “keep to myself”, as it’s a HUGE thing to be carrying around with you all the time. It helps me immensely to be able to get things off my chest, and to talk to others that may or may not have advice for us, but always have love for us, and that’s the main thing Jeremiah and I need right now.

Well, here we are. In a place I never wanted us to be. But, I will be starting IVF injections in a few weeks, and I couldn’t be more nervous or scared of this whole process. After getting a second opinion, having MANY blood tests, genetic tests, family prep screens and other tests done, it appears that IVF may be my ONLY chance of getting, or rather staying, pregnant. Something happens where I just won’t sustain a pregnancy after so many weeks. This is due to a chromosome abnormality called Trisomy 16. Normally humans have 2 copies of chromosome 16, one inherited by each parent. Trisomy 16 is a chromosomal abnormality in which there are 3 copies of chromosome 16 rather than two. So, yeah…

But, apparently, I have a really good egg reserve, the capacity of the ovary to provide egg cells that are capable of fertilization resulting in a healthy and successful pregnancy, and with that, I have a better success rate than most women over the age of 36. This factor helped us make the decision to go the IVF route. And with this, they will be able to determine which, if any, eggs they retrieve from me, dear GOD just typing that freaks me out, would result in a successful pregnancy.

We went in this week to talk to our doctor, get ultrasounds, pay out the ass for all this, in advance, of course, and then I start all the fun IVF injections and blood tests and doctor visits for a few weeks. Well, I was supposed to start the injections this Friday, July 15th, but, they found a cyst on one of my ovaries, nothing to be concerned about and is apparently quite common and the bane of the fertility world’s existence, BUT, it does delay my process by a week at least, and all depends on getting the cyst to go away. So, I have to take birth control for another week for this, then go back next Friday, July 22nd, to make sure it's down or gone, then starting injections around the 25th, if all goes well. So, another week to continue to freak out. Sigh.

I KNOW this is all going to take a toll on me, physically and emotionally, but I think I am ready. I mean, I’m scared, I’m not going to lie. We had to watch videos about how to prepare and administer the injections of shots I have to take. I FREAKED OUT and had a little bit of a breakdown during that and really thought, “I CAN’T DO THIS”.  I am A HUGE WUSS when it comes to needles. I HATE THEM. Thankfully, I have a WONDERFUL husband who calmed me down, telling me I can do this, WE can do this, and he will administer the shots for me. This is all VERY intrusive and VERY expensive. AND it’s not 100% guaranteed. But, I think I have the whole, don’t get your hopes up too much just yet, bit down by now. I honestly don’t think it will work the first time, because, well, that’s our luck and is the norm for someone my age doing this. Prove me wrong IVF! But, I have an immense sense of hope about this that I have never had about any of my pregnancies, except the first one. At least we'll know more information about everything beforehand. IVF is insane and it still boggles my mind that you can make a baby this way. SCIENCE!!

The hardest thing for me to do right now is be positive and not freak out. Have I said “freak out” enough for you? And not get so depressed because I still don’t have a job. I have applied for many jobs, and I’m being SUPER picky, because I don’t want just any old job for the sake of having a job. I’m sorry, but I went to college and worked my way up into different professions, and I would like to have a job in one of those, and not just a random job for “the state” because said job exists. Maybe that makes me a snob, I don’t care. I’m worth the wait. 

WORK!

[mandileblanc]

Three Strikes, I'm Out OR Stop The World, I Want To Get Off

Lately, I get asked, “How are you, Mandi? I hope things are good.”  Well, they are not good. And I don’t really know where to start with this one. Guess I’ll start with the “lighter” stuff to ease you into the real shitty stuff. Ready for me to throw my awful life up on you? Because I’m about to. And sorry, there are no clever gif’s to accompany this one, I just don’t have it in me anymore to try and even to be funny.

For starters, I got "let go" from my job of 6 years in February. Needless to say, I was blindsided by the whole thing and wasn't really given a real reason. And now, I have NO IDEA what I want or can do for work. I doubt I can find a creative job involving music like I had. Especially here in Austin. I'm so used to a certain lifestyle because of my job, that I can't even think about what else I would want to or could do. I mean, what and how does one look for a job when you've had such a specific skill set and job for the past 6 years? Sure, I was unhappy at my job, but that's because they made it that way the past 3 years. It didn't mean I didn't like my actual job or the people I worked with. That's what hurts the most, not getting a proper goodbye or being able to say bye to everyone. People that get to leave on their own accord get Happy Hours or Lunch goodbyes with everyone. Not me. Instead, I was treated like a criminal who would cause a scene or something if I even went to get my purse and jacket from my desk, let alone any of my belongings. And now, apparently, I don’t even exist anymore to most of those people. No one keeps in touch with me, with the exception of one person. Not to mention, the company was THE WORST and so incredibly insensitive about my second miscarriage and me getting back to work. I mean, I still cannot believe how they treated me during all that. I hate how it happened, obviously I would rather leave on my own terms, but it was a blessing in disguise. But, contemplating your self worth after something like that, well, it's not easy and I tend to just beat myself up. I am my worst critic, by far.

And it could not have come at a worse time. To add insult to injury, I got my period two days later. So, I did my last round of Clomid in February, this time it was TRIPLE the dose I had been given in the past, so, it just made me feel AWESOME.  I swear it was like super ovulating, it felt WEIRD down there.  No way to describe it really other than weird tinges everywhere and I could definitely tell I was ovulating.  When I went in for them to check everything, they told me I had 5 voluble follicles, 3 of which were QUITE large prompting the nurse to check with the doctor to make sure everything was ok as she's never seen any that large before.  SO, that freaked me out a little, but I was reassured this was REALLY good. If this doesn't work, I don't know what we are going to do.

Well, guess what, IT DIDN’T WORK. I mean, that’s not true, the Clomid DID work, I DID get pregnant, I just can't seem to carry a baby past 6 to 8 weeks. Our genetics are all fucked up apparently and this is why this keeps happening to us, so I'm not even sure how to feel about that. I'm certainly not hopeful for anything now. So yeah, a third miscarriage. And I feel like I want to die. So I had another D&C and am still somewhat recovering from that. Translation: on meds that make me loopy and dizzy. I'm really not in a good place now, in fact, it's probably the lowest and worst I have ever felt in my life. So, it's really hard for me to understand why this keeps happening to us and it seems to be so easy for everyone else around us. Not to mention there's so many of my friends, and Jeremiah's friends or friends wives, who are pregnant right now, or just had a baby, or already have kids, so it makes it even harder for us. I die a little inside everytime I hear about someone I know being pregnant. It sucks, but it’s true. Watching everyone around you move forward in their life in some way and we stand still in the same place we have been in for years, and now also to have no job or plan or any idea of what I ever want to do again, well, that can do a number on a person. And has left me thinking what the hell my purpose in life is at all anymore. I really couldn't tell you. I don't even know who I am anymore, really. I'm just a sad, shell of a person now, and have been, for quite a while. I just really feel broken and I don't know if I know how to fix it anymore. Not sure where the strong Mandi, who is super hard headed and gets back up when knocked down, went. I don't know where she is. All that's left right now is don't even bother trying Mandi, because, at least that way, I won't lose or be rejected. And trying to do the things that once made me happy, play and write music, just doesn't make me happy like it used to. It was easy to sing through the pains of work sucking, living in NYC being hard, etc, because it was cathartic. But now, I don't even find joy in that. It hurts too much to try and write a song about all this. It hurts too much to go back to old songs where the lyrics I wrote are WAY too on point now, and I just start crying while I'm trying to get through a song. Singing through this pain, is just, well, more pain. And I just don't know how to feel or what to say anymore.

And to be honest with you, I have NO IDEA what we are going to do now. I'm not sure I can handle this again, which is what I’ve said 3 times now. So, we are now at the point of talking about IVF and adoption and well, with no money coming in from me, it doesn't seem like the smartest move to start these things, which really puts things at a standstill for us. And since IVF isn't guaranteed, I'm not sure I want to go that route. But, the thought of NOT trying also makes me feel nuts, so I just don't know. It's just an extremely hard decision to make, and we are trying as hard as we can not to be rash. I mean, the logic in me says, ok, that's it, 3 times is enough torture to put yourselves through. But a part of me just dies when I think that Jeremiah and I won't have a child that looks like us, or a child at all. Because the other step is adoption. And feels like the most logical step. Neither of these options is going to be cheap, and I still don't have a job. And do they even consider giving a child to a couple where one of them is unemployed?  I dunno...Our wedding anniversary is in a week, and I turn 40 at the end of the month. But, not much to celebrate right now. I'm really lost right now in so many aspects.

It sucks, pretty much that's all I can say. I don't know why we can't be happy, but apparently we’re not supposed to be. Because the ONLY time we were excited about being pregnant and having a baby was the first time. Couldn't even get excited or hopeful the second or third time, because, well, we're us and good/happy things don't happen to us anymore. All my worst fears happen to us now, and that's about it. I’m just waiting for someone to break into my house while I’m home, that buried alive thing to happen or the zombie apocalypse/contagion thing where a terrible disease wipes us all out, and then really ALL my worst fears would have happened.

This has been a heavy thing to carry around, especially when you don’t really have anyone to talk to about it all that truly understands what you are going through. And I am just tired of pretending everything is okay and I am alright. Because I’m not. Right now, I just want to watch TV and movies and not much else, if I can even do that. It seems like every TV show or movie I watch has a pregnancy plot, and then I’m out because I just can’t even take the fake pregnancy stories. I feel like a giant loser some days. Just a big fat loser in life. I just wish I would snap out of it all quicker, but, I haven't and I’m not sure I ever will. I need a distraction, or several distractions, from all this. I would really love to just run away somewhere, but I don't know where to or if that’s even smart to do seeing how we may need to spend all the money we have on trying to have/get a child. I just know I'm tired of being in Austin, being here in my house, day after day, alone, with nothing to do but think about how awful things are for Jeremiah & I. I don’t even care about getting a job right now, it’s too hard to think about that and be in the right mindset for that when I’ve got everything else to think about. I really do feel like the rug was swept up from underneath me just in general. Life was just like, NOPE, NONE of this for you! It certainly feels like life is just continually taking a shit on me and Jeremiah, but mostly me, year after year, and it just gets worse each time. So, yeah. I am not good.

[mandileblanc]

Hello, my name is Mandi, and I just had my second miscarriage OR Unlucky At All Times

Sept 11, 2015   

Hello, my name is Mandi, and I just had my second miscarriage. No sugar coating it, it has happened to me, again. I’ve had 2 miscarriages in the last 2 years. I didn’t really get that excited this time around when I found out I was pregnant, to be honest.  My family did, but I didn’t.  I guess I just somehow knew it wouldn’t stick around this time either.  But I got to experience all the awful 1st trimester stuff like nausea and not having an appetite, twice.  It appears my body just will not carry a baby after like 8 to 12 weeks. I’m not really sure how women can have multiple miscarriages and not just give up.  Because that’s all I want to do right now. I don’t ever want to feel this way, but, I guess it’s inevitable for me, as I said that last time and here we are, again.  I just feel like such a reject, like, nope, this is not for you, I thought I told you that the first time.

And why does this seem to happen to me right before big events?  When I need to have my A game on?  As if to say, don’t you DARE enjoy these things you should be excited about.  Last time, it was right before a work trip to Vegas.   This time, I found out that I would probably lose the baby the day before a big work summit and two days before I went on a solo trip to New York City to go to a music festival and see some Broadway shows.  It was REALLY hard to enjoy myself on this trip, even though I tried and sometimes did have fun.  The day after I get back from this trip, I find out for sure that I have lost it.  And I honestly don’t know how Jeremiah and I are going to recover from this for a second time. I don’t think I’ve even dealt with the first miscarriage really. I constantly think about it and I already feel like everything I try hard at I am denied, so what’s the point of anything anymore? And forget about trying to console myself with TV and movies, because everything I currently watch or I once loved, I now can’t stand to watch because of some pregnancy/abortion/miscarriage plot. Sorry The Mindy Project, probably won’t be watching you anymore anytime soon, and this makes me sad. And so it goes.

And again, I still don’t know how to act around people, especially ones I don’t know so well. I had to go to a dinner a few days after finding out where I barely knew anyone. I can only posture for so long until I just can’t anymore. Especially when half of these people have kids and spent the majority of the evening talking about them.  It was pretty much torture on Jeremiah and I. I am so sad, upset, angry, distraught, that I just don’t care how it affects others or how they perceive me right now. How I feel now anytime I’m with people that don’t know anything about this:

I seriously feel like my life is at a standstill.  Or a crossroad.  Or both, if that’s even possible.  And everyone else is just moving along, taking the path to starting their families, getting/having that job or career that they want/deserve, and Jeremiah and I are waving at the sidelines just hanging out with our cats and dog.  And I have NO IDEA what to do now or where to go from here.

I’m just trying to get through each day without a meltdown at this point, which is no easy feat.  Trying to get work done, keeping myself busy, trying to do daily tasks that I don’t want to just so I don’t think about any of this at all times, this is where I’m at.  And I’m still thinking about it, even if I try not to.

Thank God for Taylor Swift.  Seriously.  1989 has been my jam for quite a while now.  Girl is on FIRE right now and just lights up everything she’s involved in.  Jeremiah and I just saw her in concert this week and she has made my week SO MUCH BETTER just for being her.  She’s seriously a wonderful entertainer, I had so much fun at her 1989 Tour that I endured the line of young girls for a t-shirt.  And yes, I am 39 years old. Don’t care what you think.  Taylor is awesome.

[mandileblanc]

Why does everything seem so hard for me? OR Am I making myself miserable, get a new dream?

4.24.15

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week.  Who knew something like that existed?  Not me.  But it’s a thing apparently.  Nothing like getting something in at the tail end, Mandi. 

Anyway, I know it’s been awhile since I have written anything, and that’s because, well, I have nothing new to tell you.  And who do I think is waiting out there to read this?  No one, Mandi, calm down.  Your mom will get to it when she has time.  Sigh.

But this isn't going to help me get a book deal!

Once again, it seems I have failed at procreation last month, even with fertility drugs and the doctor telling me that my eggs and follicles were REALLY good. Meanwhile, everyone around me is getting pregnant, having their baby, having their SECOND, THIRD and FOURTH babies while I struggle and struggle month after month after year after year with no results at all.  And if sex could just be fun again and not have to be planned or had mandatorily at specific times each month, that would be great.  Sorry, but that’s the reality of it for me. 

We are on round two of Clomid, a fertility drug, this month and just waiting the two weeks you have to.  But, thanks to, well, being me, I got super sick while I was ovulating this month.  I’m talking, had to go to the emergency room for dehydration-get an MRI because we can’t figure out what’s wrong with you-on antibiotics that are not as strong because you are trying to get pregnant-sick. After 4 days, the doctors think I have a bacterial or viral infection that I have to just “let it run it’s course” and they have no idea how I got it.  Meanwhile, still not quite out of the woods and feeling 100% normal again.  Hopefully, the minimal sex we were able to have was had at the right times, but, knowing my luck, I’ll get my period next week, ON MY 39th BIRTHDAY, because that’s usually how things go for me.  Yeah, that’s right, 39.  And the clock just keeps on ticking, and the hits just keep on coming.

And, you know, I TRY to be happy and not think about these things, but they always seem to creep back up at some point, and I just feel like less of a person sometimes because of this.  I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away, but I just feel that all my efforts are usually for nothing.  And feeling like this ALL THE TIME is not fun, or healthy, but I’m not sure if I will ever not feel this way, and that scares me.  Being a person that can never not be slightly saddened or upset when she sees a pregnant woman, or a happy family, or hearing the neighbors outside playing with their toddler and hearing his cute noises, or watching ANY MOVIE OR TV SHOW now, because someone is ALWAYS pregnant, usually by accident, or can’t get pregnant or it’s something so similar to what I’m going through I have to turn it off because I can’t stop crying.  This is my life now.  Avoiding my favorite TV shows, movies, Facebook, when possible, so I don’t upset myself any further as I watch all my friends start and/or expand their families and get on with their lives as we stay in the same place.  I’m tired of this place.  I haven’t wanted to be in this place for almost 4 years now.  But, apparently this is where we’re supposed to be, though.  And I hate it.

It’s hard to keep caring when you get the same results, and I’m sure I've said this before because, at this point, I feel like a broken record.  And I’m afraid I’m going to drive Jeremiah away by all my sadness.  I am almost to the point of not caring, wearing a giant t-shirt,  sweatpants and no bra all day, barely getting out of bed, not going back to work ever because I just can’t care about things anymore for fear of getting hurt even more than I already am.  I don’t want that, but secretly that’s what I wish I could do 90% of the day because it feels like it would just be easier than caring or trying to pretend that I am happy these days. And when I read back these things that I have written, I am scared for myself and of myself.  Because, wow Mandi, really?  But, it’s also the most honest I've ever been with myself, or anyone, really.  I am a sad person right now, I know why this is and I have no control over it, and this is probably why I spiral so far into depression and sadness, because I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS.  I CAN’T STAND to not be in control of things, especially my own body.  Maybe it’s why I’m so hard on myself, because I just don’t like failing at anything, and I continue to fail at this over and over and over and I HAVE NO CONTROL over what happens, and I don’t like it.

When is something good going to happen to ME?  Can I get some of what everyone else around me seems to be getting?  And how selfish is that?  I’m not homeless, or starving or hurting for anything in this world, but I can’t get this chip off my shoulder and shake the fact that I’m almost 39 and I’m still not a mother.  I seriously feel like I am holding myself back, in life and just in general, focusing ALL my time and energy on something that just isn't happening.  It would kill me to just give up completely, and it’s REALLY hard not to obsess over something you want more than anything in the world.  I would love it if work or other things in my life would somehow be happy and fulfilling and keep me distracted from all the pain and depression I feel because of my loss, but it doesn't.  If anything, it’s just as bad and just reinforces the thoughts in me that nothing good or happy can happen to or for me and I am destined to always learn and find out things the hard way.  And most of the time, the “hard way” seems to mean I can’t have it.  Not for you, Mandi.

Ready.  Fire.  Aim.  That’s how my life feels at this moment.  It feels like I keep getting so close but somehow I shoot before I actually aim for anything, thus continuing the metaphor for my life.

[mandileblanc]

Ungrateful Bitch OR Deal With It, Gina!

12.12.14

(Bonus points if you can guess the movie quote in the title.  I’m not sure what I mean by “bonus points”, I just want to know if anyone else knows this. hehe…)

At this point in my depression, I should probably get off of Facebook altogether, but, obviously, as a punishment to myself or something, I stay on it and continue to read all about everyone else’s happiness and get more depressed.  I kind of need it for work to find info on bands and labels and whatnot, but still.

I am such an envious person these days that I feel it may be the death of me. I know I’m dramatic, but it seems like I just can’t handle everyone else getting to have all the things that I want and continuing to be denied these things. It’s like I’m the wicked queen in a fairy tail who feels the need to punish everyone else, or in this case myself and Jeremiah, when she doesn’t get what she wants or thinks she deserves. It’s a terrible quality and I’m not really sure where I got it as my parents are not this way at all. I just really wish I wouldn’t get upset or cry almost every time I see a pregnant woman, or see people with their children.  But I eventually do, I just can’t handle it.  And I hate it.  I hate this about myself.  

I try to keep it in check and remind myself that I AM happy for my friends, because I really am,  and I shouldn’t let this affect our relationship.  I’m sorry, but right now, and for who knows how long, I can’t go to your baby shower, I can’t be around you, and I want to just scream, WHY NOT ME? When is it MY TURN to get ANYTHING I want out of life? I am REALLY tired of feeling like the last kid picked for dodge ball.

And then I think about how people have it so much worse than I do and I feel like a fucking baby, and then I hate myself more, and feel like I’m just repeating myself.  I honestly don’t know if I will ever truly be happy.  I pretend like I am to everyone, except my husband.  He gets the full on, I can’t explain why I’m crying uncontrollably or what upset me to begin with, but I am now, so just deal with it and be nice to me until it stops, please. And he does, because he’s a saint, and I am a fucking mess he has to clean up often.  Bless him.  I keep thinking this will get easier, but it doesn’t, and it hasn’t.  I have to try and believe it will or else I will just keep crying, and ain’t no one got time for that shit on a daily basis.  OK, brain?  Heart?  Feelings on my sleeve?  You got that?

I truly appreciate all the words of encouragement.  But I also have the side of me that really hates hearing it, too.  This has been a long and hard journey, with not many people offering me much anymore but things I have heard over and over.  And honestly, I appreciate that rather than nothing at all.  But, I don’t know if they remember or have only read certain blog entries, but it ALREADY happened for us, it took 10 months, and we LOST it.  So hearing, “It will happen for you” all the time only salts the wounds.  And having to wait SO LONG to try again (6 months) and continuing to NOT have it happen each month (that would be 12 of them now) is just like an exercise in insanity.  Also hearing things like, “I know what it’s like to wait”, “we were there”, etc, well, thank you, but, no, unless you are around my age and have had a partial molar pregnancy, you don’t really know what it’s like to wait as long as I have or what I have had to go through.  I have spent YEARS now dedicating myself and my body to this only to be continuously denied while I watch others start or add to their happy families.  And it hurts.  It hurts so much I don’t know what to do sometimes. I try to be strong and sometimes I just can’t do it.  And then I write stuff like this.  Because it beats sitting on the couch crying until you think you can cry no more.

I really try not to be in this mindset most of the time.  I’m not really right now, but I was when I started writing this piece, and I have to gradually come out of the funk.  And writing about it honestly helps me do that. It’s the holiday season, and I would rather be happy, see my family, give back to those in need, and not bitch about unfortunate things.  For now, anyway. :)

[mandileblanc]

I'm Just Another Lady Without A Baby OR I Guess We'll Just Have To Adjust

12.3.2014

“And I say there’s trouble when everything is fine. The need to destroy things creeps up on me every time.” - ‘The Absence Of God’, Rilo Kiley.

This Rilo Kiley quote is pretty much how I live my life these days it seems.  This struggle to conceive has made me realize how much I tend to destroy things for myself.  It’s like I want myself to fail so I can have something to talk about and have people feel sorry for me or to justify my constant feelings of disappointment and jealousy.  Or maybe it’s just a distraction for me because I feel I don’t deserve anything happy or what I really want.  Or maybe I DO like this feeling of having a hole in me that will never get filled with the love of a child.  I dunno.  I feel more and more like that each month when I get my period after trying to conceive for 3 years, meanwhile, my friends keep getting pregnant every day, week, month, and get all the things I want and they have only been trying a few months or not at all just, OOPS. Because, you know, fairness.

“It’s become just like a chemical stress, tracing the lines in my face for something more beautiful than is there. I’ve barely been gone.” - ‘My Slumbering Heart’, Rilo Kiley.

Yeah, I could quote Rilo Kiley and Jenny Lewis songs all day long and I could find one that describes how I feel or something I am going through at any given time.  Thanks for the realness over the years, Jenny Lewis.  You’re my spirit animal.  You and Taylor Swift at the moment. Self realization is a hell of a thing.  “Shake it off, shake it off…” - Taylor Swift.  I KNOW girl, I KNOW.  I’M TRYING!!

“There's only one difference between you and me. When I look at myself, all I can see, I'm just another lady without a baby.” - ‘Just One Of The Guys’, Jenny Lewis.

But since I have nothing really new to write about or tell you, as I am, apparently, a one note sad sack who dedicates most of her time and energy to trying to get pregnant and keeps failing at it, I will leave you with an Arcade Fire song that has stuck with me over the years and can be attributed to almost any situation I am in.  It speaks to my pessimistic nature and must be why I like them so much. :)  Funeral is still one of my favorite albums of all time. So dark.  So beautiful.  I remember hearing this song, Wake Up, for the first time in 2005 and feeling things I have never felt before.  It was like my entire generation was singing away their angst at the same moment in those WHOAS at the beginning and throughout the song, and I just felt SO MANY FEELINGS.  You can see and hear that same energy this songs gives people years later in this audience at the 2010 Reading Festival.  They get it.

“Something filled up my heart with nothing.  Someone told me not to cry.  But now that I’m older, my heart’s colder and I can see that it’s a lie.” - ‘Wake Up’, Arcade Fire.

[mandileblanc]

Give Me Time To Muddle Through OR Get Ahold Of Yourself, Mandi!

Oct. 21, 2014

“I am now broken, I am now not me, I am now forever changed, I am undone. A broken heart is a broken heart. To take a measure is cruelty.” - Cyrus Beene, Scandal.

So, the last few weeks have been pretty busy for me with work, concerts, events, etc.  In fact, I am now referring to the month of October this year as concert month.  It’s like all my favorite bands and artists got together and said, “let’s bogart the month of October for all our concerts in Austin, TX so Mandi is constantly tired from all the late shows.” Rad.  Because, that’s exactly what’s happening.  I am seeing awesome music shows that I will remember forever, but my body hates me for it.

The list of shows I saw this month are as follows:

I saw Jenny Lewis, THREE TIMES in 2 weeks, Nikki Lane, Temples, The Districts, tUnE-yArDs, MO, ONE day of ACL where I saw Cults, Haerts, Miniature Tigers, Fitz and The Tantrums, Spoon, Lorde, and Pearl Jam, The Drums, Ryan Adams, and Tennis will close out the month. Phew...

Since writing my last few blogs, What’s A Memoir? OR I’m just going to leave this here, Unexpectedly Helpful OR Happy Accident, Brave or Incredibly Stupid, And Writers Block OR Nothing to say, (yes I am referencing all my previous blog entries on the subject, in case you are new to this and have NO IDEA what I’m talking about.  Because, it’s happened before and people mistook the title of my blog, Misadventures In Baby-making OR Is This Thing On?, to somehow mean that I was pregnant, which I’m not. You will know if that ever happens, believe me. hehe...) I have been exhausted, completely blocked from writing about anything worthwhile as my brain has been muddled with everything else in the world you can think of but what I should be focusing on. 

And this is where I am right now, in a heap of uncertainty, which isn’t that unusual, sadly, and just wishing Jenny Lewis was back in town so I can see her play ONE MORE TIME, because I am obsessed with her.  But, the universe is a cruel mistress.  She gives me tickets to an ACL taping of Jenny Lewis, but she also gives me my period on the same day, and not a baby.  The universe giveth and the universe taketh away!

I try to combat my depression and general unhappiness of not being able to have a baby with other things like playing music, seeing live music, watching one of the 800 TV shows I have saddled upon myself, other than actually dealing with what I feel is wrong with me.  But sometimes, I can’t even muster up the momentum to even do any of that stuff.  I guess I will never truly understand myself as I get profoundly bored and unchallenged over time and I feel complacent, but I also hate change and am a creature of habit in SO MANY facets of my life.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I just be happy with what I have?  (I ask myself this EVERYDAY and I NEVER have an answer.)  It’s like I NEVER know what I want to do with my life or what I want out of it, especially since my miscarriage.  I can’t make up my mind because I don’t want to disturb whatever semblance of peace or happiness I feel I do have.  So, I start to blame my unhappiness on the city or state I live in, traffic sucks, people suck, Texas is backwards in TOO MANY WAYS STILL (which I believe, and this REALLY does bother me), too many trucks and SUVS, etc, thinking that moving to another place will somehow take away that unhappiness, which, it does, for a while, and then I find something to hate about the “new” place and start the cycle all over again.  The only things I am 100% sure of in my life are that I love Jeremiah with all my heart and I want to have a baby with him.  So the denial of the latter for so long is just starting to make me wonder what the hell I’m supposed to do anymore with my life.  Especially when it’s all I want or can think about.

And why is being happy for another woman/couple being pregnant such a hard thing for me?  Why do I want to run screaming or crying from them or their multiple Facebook posts?  WHY is EVERYONE on the TV shows I watch all of a sudden pregnant?  When will I not be jealous of the neighborhood couples simultaneously walking their dogs and pushing their kids stroller/s around the hood?  When will I stop wanting to cry when I see a cute kid with their happy parents in a restaurant, or the store, or FUCKING EVERYWHERE because I DON’T HAVE THIS AND I WANT IT SO, SO BADLY?  When will it be MY turn?  Why can’t I have these things too that everyone else in the world seems to have and get so freely and easily? (Seriously, I ALWAYS feel this way now and, I hate it.)  Do I just have no sympathy anymore?  No hope?  Am I that hard and broken?  To an extent, I think I may be, but then my sensitive side always rears it’s head and brings out the tears, so I’m holding out hope that the cynicism hasn’t taken complete control.

Sometimes I just feel like I am an incredibly terrible human being for feeling this way and not being able to control it, at least internally.  I’m not Carrie Mathison terrible, but that’s a completely other discussion that I don’t want to get upset over. (I HATE her, she’s the worst. Love Claire Danes and her cry faces though.  

But seriously Showtime writers, make her less awful.)  I have no motivation for anything that I previously loved doing, ie. creating music, art, theatre, etc, I am ungrateful for what I have and I always want more, I complain about anything that remotely annoys me and then I somehow end up making it all about myself.  Hell, I’ve written songs about it...that no one, OK a few, has heard!

At least I know it about myself, I suppose.  But does that make me any better of a person?  To know that I’m truly horrible sometimes?  I guess we should define horrible here, because I can think of some TRULY horrible people, ie: Ted Bundy, and things they did, and I don’t even begin to qualify as horrible on that spectrum. I guess horrible is the wrong word.  Miserable is more accurate.  I overwhelming feel like a doormat most of the time these days. Who cares if I make music, who is going to actually hear it?  What do I have to offer to the world?  Who even cares what I do all day?  Not many people around me, I’ll tell you that. 

Sometimes I can handle the intense sadness I am feeling, and sometimes, I just need someone to hug me and hold me for as long as I need it.  Is that so bad?  I dunno, but I feel the need for hugs more and more lately, and the time that I need them seems to prolong itself each time.  I want to rescue more animals to curl up with and give me unconditional love, and to transfer my “love I want to give my child but can’t because I don’t have one and can’t seem to have one”. Dogs, cats, I want them ALL, but Jeremiah says no. hehe…He’s probably right, even though I think we could get ONE more dog, to, you know, even out the ratio. :)

[mandileblanc]

Writer's block OR Nothing to say

9.19.2014

Have you ever had something you love doing taken away from you by, well, yourself?   I love playing music.  I love writing music.  I haven’t really done much of either and that’s basically what I've done to myself the past few years with my music, taken it away from myself.  

Examples of me enjoying playing music:

At first, I was in this mindset of, I need to change things about my lifestyle to get prepared for a baby.  Part of that meant not going out so much where I would inevitably drink and stay out too late and not rest my body enough, or that’s what I was telling myself then.  And when we did get pregnant, I didn't do much anymore.  I just took it easy most of the time after work, mostly because I was quite tired from all the fun 1st trimester symptoms.  So, writing and playing music took a backseat to getting ready for baby.

Then, the worst day of my life, so far, happened, and I no longer knew what to even do anymore, let alone write songs.  I have been completely blocked since all this happened and haven't really been writing or playing music, which makes me sad.  Sometimes, I feel I may have reached a place where I can take the sadness and actually write something without wanting to sob though the playing.  Then again, I find myself sobbing while trying to sing lyrics I have written recently more and more these days, so maybe I should stick to covers for the time being, playing those seem to make me happy.  Cover songs at all times!! 

It’s weird, because I feel like I am completely honest in the lyrics of the songs I write, I kind of lay everything out there sometimes, but it’s harder for me to be that way in everyday life, and that’s probably a good thing.  Maybe it’s because I can kind of mask the songs as plays on other things, I don’t know.  I have 12 original songs that have been stuck in a computer for the last 6 years about to surface in the near future, fingers crossed.  This has been another source of frustration for me, not being able to do anything about getting this music mixed and mastered.  I am not an audio engineer, I couldn't even pretend to be one.  I have no idea how to access the music in the certain program it has been made in in order to give it to someone else to do the mixing and mastering.  I’m a complete fucking moron when it comes to this stuff.  Sooo, yeah.  Frustrating.  I am making it a priority to get that music mixed, mastered, reproduced and setting up a release show for it.  (Might need some help on that front.)  All this is not easy and takes time, obviously it takes about 6 years in my case. Why haven’t I tried to do something sooner, you ask? 

Depression is a bitch! A stupid bitch. (Shout out to Evil Dead The Musical!)

And how do you act like an adult couple with no kids now when you had other plans in mind at this point in your life?  

We’ve DONE that, for YEARS now.  We were ready for something new and prepared ourselves for it!  It’s frustrating when you want to move on and you just can’t.  When you feel stuck in an adult decision-making limbo.

Go out and party?  Stay in and take care of our bodies?  Does it matter anymore?  Do we care?  What time is it?  Are The Simpsons on?  Let’s just do that.

[mandileblanc]

Brave OR Incredibly Stupid

9.12.2014

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do." ~Amy Poehler

After I posted my first SUPER PERSONAL blog entry, What’s A Memoir? OR I’m Just Going To Leave This Here, I had this immediate feeling of “Oh, shit!  What did I just do? Did I just Lena Dunham all over the internet?”  And by “Lena Dunham all over the internet” I mean, expose myself, in a sense. Not by ACTUALLY being naked like she does on her show Girls, but being naked emotionally, I suppose, like she also does on Girls. I love her, by the way, because she DOES NOT CARE what you think of her, her work or her body, all she wants is to be her whether you like it or not, and I admire that.  And then I thought, “Wait, how are people even going to find this thing among all the damn photos of my dog and cats?”  I mean, my “blog” is a BUNCH of random photos with a FEW REALLY SUPER PERSONAL blog entries, like this one, sprinkled in here and there and you have to find them like Where’s Waldo.  And why do I think anyone even cares what I write about?  I have a problem with self-esteem sometimes, and then sometimes I don’t, it’s totally weird to me.  Depending on the situation, I can be totally confident and think I’m the shit! But I can easily turn from that to feeling completely isolated and alienated, it’s strange.  Not to mention, the people that I ACTUALLY talk to every day on a regular basis, like my co-workers, the majority of them don’t seem like they even read it and they don’t know anything about it.  And there goes my self-esteem.  I mean, they probably haven’t.  I can’t MAKE you go read something that I posted on Tumblr and Facebook.  And hell, maybe you didn't even see that I posted it, because it got buried in your news-feed and I can certainly understand that.  It’s not like I’m going to bring it up on my own.  But tell that to my overly sensitive feelings that I constantly have. 

I've just been in a funk as well this week, contemplating and researching other methods of trying to get pregnant, like IVF, which pretty much terrifies me, since, apparently, the old fashioned way isn't working for us and I am not getting any younger.  This is what concerns me the most about all of this honestly, my age.  I know that's dumb, or maybe not?, but I seriously don't want to be a decrepit old lady taking her kids to soccer practice.  I mean, that right there is still a pipe dream in itself, which just depresses me, hence my mood all week.

I wish I could explain to some people that when I don’t get one thing I want, the other things in my life start to suck as well and then I go into this downward spiral of emotions where everything sucks and nothing is good or what I want.  It’s not healthy and I don’t know why I am this way, I just am and kind of always have been.  Attempts to change this about myself have been futile so far.  I get pouty when I don’t get what I want, which, I suppose, is often.  So then I turn that into sarcasm to “deal” with the fact that I’m still not getting what I want and therefore, unhappy.  If only I could tell my brain, emotions, whatever it is that thinks the world is ending when I don’t get something I want, to be happy with what I DO have, which is A LOT more than some people in this world, so shut the fuck up you whiny bitch.  I mean, I do tell myself this, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  The more and more I do the same thing over and over with the same failed results, the more I get discouraged about, well, everything, and I become sour.  I don’t like this.  And I don’t want to be like this anymore, but so far, that’s not happening.  I’ve felt that way less and less though lately, so I guess that progress?  Yeah, let’s go with that.  

I'm still annoyed that I don't know my body like a lot of women seem to, especially women who are trying to get pregnant or have had babies before and trying for another one.  It's like they just KNOW when they can get pregnant, and OF COURSE they do, and it infuriates me, because I don’t and continue to not know.  Not to mention, their happy glow just irritates me, and it shouldn’t.  I’m such a bitch sometimes. Sigh.

Happy Friday everyone!!

[mandileblanc]

Was told I look like Ryan Adams today. Is it the unkempt hair, the jean jacket? I'm missing the Slayer t-shirt though.

[mandileblanc]

The Black And White Years - Strange Figurines #localaustinlove (at Wang Palace)

[mandileblanc]

Tennis - Ritual In Repeat (at Wang Palace)

[mandileblanc]

Yes I'm still watching Lost Girl! Don't judge me Netflix!! (at Wang Palace)

[mandileblanc]

Unexpectedly Helpful OR Happy Accident

9.4.2014

Give me a subject and I can most likely go on about it for a bit, especially if I’m passionate about it.  But trying to come up with “content” just for content’s sake, well, that is not as easy for me to do.  I like to take my time when I write, so it took me a while to put the last blog entry out there, I had to make sure it was JUST right.  I’m also slightly a perfectionist when it comes to certain aspects of my life, ie: work stuff, my music, writing ANYTHING, planning, and then completely lazy about other things, like cleaning, clutter, my life goals in general, you know, the important stuff.

After writing What’s a Memoir? OR I’m Just Going To Leave This Here, several people told me that it was helpful for them because they are going through a similar situation, or that they were sharing it with someone or multiple people that they thought it would help. I know there are TONS of ladies out there that have gone through a miscarriage, trouble trying to conceive or just not being able to ever have kids, and they probably just don't want to talk about it. I didn't. For an entire year. I just wanted to pretend it was a horrible dream I had and I just didn’t want to talk about it or anything else for that matter. Being alone with my thoughts for too long is terrible and almost torture sometimes. All I could think of for the longest time was, “What’s next life? Anything else you got for me that’s totally shitty that you think I can handle for some reason?”

Not to mention, I don’t have that many female friends that are close to me to talk about all this stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I do have female friends who I have talked to about all this before I decided the internet needed to know, thank you ladies for listening!, I just don’t have ones around me at all times that are going to listen to my every bitch and moan when I want them to and then to immediately give me the sympathy I desire. hehe. I really don't have that female camaraderie that I see so many ladies out there having that I so desperately want to have but can never seem to find the time or the right group of ladies to assemble.  I'm just awkward, that's all there is to it. :)

I think one reason is because I’m not very girly naturally and I find girly girls hard to relate to at first. I'm also super sarcastic and don't take myself too seriously, and sometimes, people just don't get that and we're left in awkward silence because they don't understand my joke or that I was joking at all. Good times.

That and I’m older and my friends are older and have their own lives and sometimes sitting at home with Jeremiah and my animals with the TV on is the best thing in the world. 

A lot of people told me I was really brave for putting my story out there.  I was terrified to do it. But I was also tired of pretending nothing was wrong with me.  I never set out to write something that I thought would be helpful for others, no, no, I’m much more selfish than that, that was just a happy accident.  For me, it was just therapeutic to begin with, but I'm really glad that it seems to be something that might help other people going through similar situations. And posting it has let me realize I'm not the only person I know going through stuff like this, we're all just super private for the most part. :)

And that's, OK.