success/failure syndrome
Re-reading Margie Haber's "How to Get the Part without Falling Apart" and something hits hard! I had to let it marinate for a few days in order to accept it...
I, Makeda Abraham, have suffered from Success/Failure Syndrome.
I really want everyone to get the book but for now I will give you a brief excerpt from it regarding this syndrome...
Oddly enough, actors are as afraid to succeed as they are to fail. I call this "The Success/Failure Syndrome." ...an actor would rather lose the part than risk being rejected. - Margie Haber
I definitely cut some areas out of the passage but this really spoke to me. To know that you are just as afraid of your success as you are your failure is eye opening. Especially because I spend a lot of time telling folks how badly I want a successful acting career! But while telling them how badly I want something I engage in activities that promote the exact opposite. There have been so many times that I wouldn't submit for work because I thought I wouldn't be what they were looking for. There were times that I chose not to audition because I knew other people who were going out for the same role and convinced myself that their performance would probably be better than mine. There have been times when I refused to meet industry professionals because I didn't have "the perfect headshot" or a business card or website. I've had some crazy bullshit ass excuses.
At the root of my fears, have been some very real childhood/early adulthood traumas. I've always known that my past stuff affected my present state but I've only begun to intentionally do the necessary work to fix this within the past year. The journey has not been easy. When you tell the Universe that you are ready to deal with your shit, the Universe isn't always tactful with the presentation of it all, trust me! But in a short period of time, I see the difference.
At this given moment I am not afraid of my success, I'm ready for it and taking the necessary steps to propel me forward. But although I am moving my feet and taking bold action now, I think it's important to acknowledge my past. When these fears decide to rear their ugly heads again, and I know they will, I will know how to address them properly. So many times we try to dismiss a feeling which doesn't address the root of the problem; and inevitably dismissal makes everything worse.
Margie Haber says at the end of her Success/Failure section that "it's up to you. You can choose to make excuses for yourself or you can knock down that wall of fear and take a risk. Let the fear motivate you to action. Use your fear."
I couldn't agree with her more... So with that being said, I AM READY FOR SUCCESS!!! I know there will be bumps on the road and some failures but I'm not afraid of the failure, I embrace them as they are aiding in my success. Be gone Success/Failure Syndrome! I rebuke you! Welcome Risk Taking/Bold Actions! I receive you with open arms!