#actuallyobessive

[ocd-sapphic-blog]

to anyone with ocd: remember you're not a burden. it isn't your fault. it's going to be okay.

[ocdadventurer]

I hate that when a man flirts with me in a forward way or otherwise makes me feel uncomfortable I immediately blame myself. This happened last night with a new friend (?) who knew that I have a boyfriend. To make matters worse, when my boyfriend showed up, the guy was rude to both of us. I keep going back to it, trying to figure out what I should have done differently, when really I know that he is responsible for his own actions. I tried to be polite and friendly and in return I was taken advantage of and then talked down to. I’m feverishly writing my last midterm paper right now but these thoughts are coming up so I wanted to spill them here. I have an ask that I promised to answer yesterday but didn’t - I haven’t forgotten you!

[ocdadventurer]

Stressful week ahead. I don’t want to go to sleep. I keep doing little “tasks” which aren’t really helping me be productive.

Ugh, I take criticism so hard. I was waiting and waiting this weekend for an email critiquing some costume sketches I did for a student play I’m working on, and I finally just got it. It was just a list of negative comments with a couple of positive things thrown in. There weren’t that many comments, so I guess that means they’re at least neutral about most of the sketches (of which there are over 30). I just wish there were some positive affirmation (like “great work overall!” Or even just “thank you for sending these!”) in the email to put my mind at ease.

For anyone, putting your work out there for other people to critique is nerve wracking. For someone with a bunch of interrelated anxiety issues, it’s even worse. I feel ashamed and overwhelmed.

[ocdadventurer]

I've just been to the dentist for a cleaning and a small filling. I kept thinking I was going to have a panic attack or throw up but I ended up breathing through it fine. The dentist was really clear about everything and even reminded me to take deep breaths. Unfortunately, they had to use a LOT of Novocain, which is now wearing off and I feel achey and uncomfortable. I'm worrying about not ever being able to have kids because I can't imagine handling children after getting dental work done, or while on my period, or this, or that...funny where my mind goes. I have been kind of obsessing about if/when to have children. Not quite an OCD theme but something adjacent.

[ocdadventurer]

When I first started working on my social anxiety in therapy, I reached out to a bunch of social anxiety tumblrs for advice, and I didn't hear back from any of them. (Light irony?) Who wants to talk about social anxiety with me?

[ocdadventurer]

Hi, it's me from before. A couple months ago I believe. Well my friends and I booked our tickets for the UK and I'm half excited beyond belief half thinking what the hell did I just do. Just went through a bad couple of days during finals. They were really bad to be honest. But I'm going to check in with my psychologist from now to the trip. Maybe try some medication (any recommendations?). But over I'm pretty proud of myself for making the first step in doing this trip :)

Hi again! Thanks for checking in, it brightened my day to hear good news from you. I’m so glad to hear that you succeeded in booking your tickets :) You should definitely feel proud. I’m sure you know you’re not alone in having your OCD act up during finals. I definitely experienced a spike as well. Good idea to check in with your psychologist. As for medication, everyone is so different. I had success with daily escitalopram (lexapro) and as-needed lorazepam (Ativan) but am not currently taking anything. (I took Ativan for panic attacks and it honestly helped just to have some on hand: knowing that I could calm myself down if my anxiety got unbearable made it less likely to get to that point.) My only advice is to give yourself time to adjust to any new medications before you travel.You’re doing great! If you have a bad OCD day, you can remember how you picked yourself up again and kept going with recovery after your hard days during finals. Keep up the fantastic work and keep me updated :)

xoxoElla

[ocdadventurer]

Coming Up: International OCD Awareness Week

I'm excited to participate! It's October 11-17 this year, just about six months after my official diagnosis. I don't know what I'll do to honor the week yet, but I'll get creative. Suggestions welcome :)

[ocdadventurer]

Yoga for Mental Health

I've been doing yoga sporadically since adolescence. I go to a class roughly three times per year. Many times, I've decided that THIS is the time I stick with it and go regularly, but it's never worked out. I've been told countless times (mostly by my mother) that I should do yoga for my back and shoulders, which are chronically crunchy, and I know it can also work wonders for anxiety. But like any part of recovery, no one else can force you to do it or to want it; you have to arrive there yourself. I went to yoga twice this week, and I think I am really going to keep going this time. This time is different, I tell you! My attitude feels so different now that I'm in recovery, and I want to embrace yoga as a regular part of my recovery process. Also, as I move into the latter part of my mid-twenties (I am so old for tumblr lol!) I'm realizing that forming healthy habits is really crucial for the rest of my adult years. I'm not doing this to get abs, I'm doing this to care for and challenge myself. It's hard not to compare myself to the ultra-flexible girl next to me in her cute yoga clothes, but my self-consciousness and judgment are quieter than they have been. Because of recovery, I can do this. Compared to where I was a few months ago, being in a room of beautiful bodies doesn't scare me; walking 20 minutes down crowded streets to get there doesn't trigger me. Yoga is a celebration of recovery and a tool for recovery as well. Partly/mostly posting this to remind and motivate myself to keep going to class! Twice a week while school is still pretty easy, once a week when it gets tough.