#adhd unmasking

[enby-xb-nomad]

Being off my ADHD meds is a much less painful experience this time than it usually is, partially (I think) because I'm in a better place in my life generally and have built a life that suits my brain better than the lives I was trying to live before, and partially (I think) because I've now been diagnosed and on meds for like 7 years, which means I've had seven years to build routines and mental flow charts and coping strategies and other things that will catch me when I'm off my meds so I don't go completely off the rails.

But also, the fact that I give way fewer shits about masking this time is also making the experience much more pleasant. It almost feels like a vacation from the pressure I normally put on myself to act neurotypical enough (enough for what, I'm not sure...I guess mainly enough to not be annoying? lol) because I literally can't act neurotypical enough when I'm off my meds.

So I might as well lean into the spinning thoughts and the random statements that come out of my mouth and the fidgeting and the humming and the whistling and the tapping and all the other things, instead of still trying to squash them down and making sure everyone knows how embarrassed I am about them?

I'm definitely not about to make any wild spur of the moment decisions here, but it kind of makes me wonder who I would be unmedicated now. The last time I was unmedicated I was also undiagnosed, in a work environment that was literal hell for my brain, and had no coping strategies at all except yelling at myself and panicking until I (sort of) got things done. And the stimulant I'm on isn't very strong, and I'm not on a very high dose of it. (I'm VERY sensitive to meds so it honestly doesn't take much to have the desire effect for me.)

Anyway. Just thoughts I've been having.

[adhd-induced-happiness]

Ok so im learning some stuff about unmasking as I attempt to do it for the first time ... so I figured I'd share in case it helps anyone :)

My ND traits are a natural part of me, but because they aren't habitual yet, unmasking is a conscious, deliberate choice. Simply having ~knowledge~ about my brain will not help me as much as it could if I acted on it

Many aspects of unmasking (especially stimming) feel super forced and awkward sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm faking! It just means I'm out of practice

I've spent my whole life ignoring or denying my own needs, so the little voice in my brain is very difficult to hear. I miss some cues sometimes

My brain is very much like a little toddler tugging on my sleeve. It constantly approaches me with something to say. Treating the voice with compassion allows me to make a choice that I might otherwise deny my conscious self

When I actually started listening to my brain, I realized that I don't like what it's saying. "It's too bright. It's too loud. You don't want to make facial expressions anymore. You're bored. You're burning out." It makes me feel vulnerable. DO NOT IGNORE THE BRAIN, SUNNY. It is saying something for a reason!!!

Take breaks. Take breaks take breaks take breaks. If I have the option to rest but I'm thinking of powering through ... don't. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Most people genuinely do not care if I stim. They just vibe with it. Some of my friends and my fiancé even think its cute that my joy is so visible, which makes me feel a lot better about it :)

When I actually do stuff that's good for my brain (creating routines, wearing sensory friendly clothes, scheduling alone time) I reap the benefits! Who'd have thunk it

Sleep is like 90% of the battle

Sometimes I get upset, emotional, and scared about unmasking. I'm ultra-conscious of myself. I wonder how I look to other people. BUT! I am learning learn to defend myself from my own ableism in those little quiet moments where I play with a tangle on the bus or slip away to a quiet space

I am happier. It is coming more naturally. I never want to go back :)