This is a story about somebody I had a huge crush on for years. Disclaimer, contains teen themes.
I joined orchestra as a violist halfway through my sophomore year. He played the cello, but he’s one of the first people I remember meeting. He was a super friendly, outgoing, funny person. He made class a joy to be in. I couldn’t believe I had never met him before, we were in the same grade! My stand partner and I were both just kinda obsessed with him in the most innocent way. Like, life was just a brighter place with him in it.
The next year, we had German 2 together AND orchestra. On the first day of german class, when he came in, I exclaimed “Eddie!!!!! Sit with me!!!!!!” and he did!! I got butterflies before German every single day that year just knowing he was going to sit next to me. I started to wonder if there was any chance that he liked me.
I got his phone number as Christmas was approaching and I texted him as much as possible. One day as I sat by the Christmas tree as it was getting dark, I decided to tell him that I liked him. He didn’t really feel the same way but he was so nice about it and I was still so obsessed with him. I listened to Last Christmas by Wham alot during that week so now that’s what the song always reminds me of. I didn’t want to give up yet, so I asked him if we could spend a day together and kiss one time. He wanted to, he said he even wanted to do more than that.
My head spun for days imagining the date we could have. I imagined going to the Delmar Loop (an outdoor area nearby with lots of shops and restaurants) after dark and holding hands in the cold as we strolled up and down the block. Most of all, I imagined sharing the most romantic kiss of my life in front of dimly lit Christmas lights, the December air blowing all around us. We planned a day.
When the day came, he changed his mind. I didn’t have hard feelings, but it hurt so bad. I believe in my heart that he did it for me though, to save me the pain of having only one date with somebody that I liked so much. I thought I was stupid for even thinking he would like me. We didn’t have much in common other than the classes we took and a sense of humor. The pain lasted for a long time. I bought him a dream catcher as a Christmas present, and went back to trying to act more normal around him after that. He never once started to treat me different.
I wanted to get over him after that, but I just couldn’t help being happy as fuck any time he was around. I still wanted him to like me. I made myself available to him as a friend and tried to cheer him up any time he was upset. He told me multiple times that I was a great friend to him and that made me happy.
By my senior year, I was almost crazy. My ovaries would basically be burning when he would be around lol. I wanted to just grab him and kiss him and never stop. I would still look for any excuse to be near him or to talk to him, but he was more distant than ever. I still didn’t want to give up.
On a field trip, we took that first picture together. It was one of the happiest moments of my life and it really shows on my face.
At the end of the year, the orchestra went on a trip to Chicago. I talked to him on the bus as much as I possibly could. Things were going well. Then, one of the nights there, we were getting on the bus to go back to the hotel and he seemed very upset. I asked him if I could sit next to him and he said sure, so I did. He started putting his headphones on, so desperately trying to think, I asked him if I could listen to his music with him. He said no. I turned away from him and cried hysterically because I was drunk lmao 😂 I had tons of real ventures going for me at the time but still chose to cry about him lmao.
When we graduated, I really figured that I would never see him again, but I was wrong. Two years later, I hit him up on a summer afternoon and to my surprise he was down to hang out. I picked him up and we hung out in South city and ate at my favorite diner. We got drunk together on fireball. You would never guess it was our first time hanging out. We started driving and wound up in Illinois. I don’t know why, but I literally pulled over to the side of the highway and we rolled around in the grass together. He said, “we could be in Chicago in like, 4 hours.” And I said, “let’s go!!!!!!” and sure enough, we drove all the way to Chicago. We jammed out to music the entire time. Everything from Fall Out Boy to Lana del Rey. When we got there, it was night time. We literally bought a Papa John’s pizza, smashed it, and started heading back home, not even an hour later. Lmfao. We pulled into a rural truck stop and decided we would need to rest for a while.
Then, suddenly, I looked him in the eyes and we just kissed for a minute. It wasn’t the romantic kiss I imagined all those years ago, but it was enough to finally grant me closure. It was enough. It was amazing.
After I started to doze off, he decided he wanted to start driving home again, so we could make it back by the next day. I slept most of the way back.
I woke up to him saying my name. I opened my eyes and took in a perfect, full view of the St. Louis skyline as Video Games by Lana del Rey started playing in the background. The sun was rising. It was a magical moment.
