me, literally every night: what the hell is my sexuality? Why can’t I figure it out?? It seems so easy for some people, like they’ve always known, but it’s never been like that for me. When I was little I always had crushes on boys but in retrospect I know if I had had any nonbinary peers I likely would have had crushes on some of them too. I identified as straight when I was in middle school before I’d been exposed to the whole spectrum of gender identity and the various ways people can present & identify and I don’t know what I am now. I’ve managed to solidly figure out I’m attracted to men, masculine presenting people— including afab nonbinary masculine presenting people (and trans men obviously but I include that in men)— and often people of all genders who are extremely androgynous. Is there a label for that?? Do I need one? I don’t even like labels, and none of the ones I know are right. To me, sexuality has always felt like a spectrum, but when I was younger I assumed you needed a label and straight was the one I thought I fit. What do I do if straight doesn’t feel like it describes me anymore, but I feel awkward about trying to identify as part of the queer community especially if I can’t find a more specific label to identify with? I always felt like straight didn’t quite fit but it feels like trying to identify as queer is leeching or inserting myself into a community that isn’t for me or something. Then I start to wonder if the only reason I want to identify as queer is because I think it’s cool or something, like because I’m so entrenched in the culture of the community on the internet and in real life— I live in the Bay Area— and it’s never felt foreign to me it feels like a place I can belong, but imagining myself declaring that belonging feels like pretending or like people will see it as wanting to feel oppressed or something. Does it even matter??? Is it better to just live and not worry about it too much? Is it fine to just never choose a label and just exist and see what happens if/when I end up dating someone who doesn’t identify as male?? But if I were dating a non-binary or otherwise non-male person, would they be okay with me not knowing if I identify as queer? Would that be invalidating for them? And is my awkward feeling around identifying as specifically not-straight just a case of imposter syndrome or am I right that it would be taking advantage or faking in some way???? Will I get more clarity around my sexuality as I get older and have more relationships and actual sexual experiences? But then I don’t actually believe anyone will ever want to date me which is it’s whole own thing but I can’t grapple with the idea of anyone being romantically interested in me. It just feels unfathomable. So does that mean I’ll never figure it out? & does that mean I’ll never have sex with anyone???? I guess I could just find random people to hook up with to solve that problem but I don’t really want to find random people to hook up with especially the first time. But what if hooking up with a bunch of different people might help me figure things out for real??????????????
