its 2am and its the ninth of march. im under the spell of yet another consumption high( a term i just coined ig). inaction will get the best of me. i dont want it to get the best of me. i miss the magic i used to feel. Was i the only one that used to feel some kind of a magic in the air?was i actually content with my life durinf covid?before covid? was being surrounded by people i loved all that i wanted and needed? was i just young and hopeful?a part of me did die after that, yes. but i dony dwell on that. ive evolved. am i self-absorbed?dont go on that tangent. im here to scream into the void. that i want to live. i want to live and live and live and feel alive and feel that rush and that pace. i know i dont want to sit on my bed and watch others create. i know i yearn to create and i dont want to care if what im creating is good enough. i just want to breakthrough this invisible wall ive created around myself. everyday i wake up or go to bed and there's this brief moment where I ask myself: whats stopping you from being in the shoes of a michelin star chef or a youtuber who creates animated videos or or idk. why is my mind my biggest enemy. why is it that i come here twice a year to rant but i live constantly with regrets? i shiver infront of people and holding a conversation feels like holding a plank. i dont want to negative self-talk and i know social media is fake and i know i dont know enough and i know the only way ro gaining more confidence in yourself is by knowing more but still here i remain glued to my bed. why?why is my mind my biggest enemy?i will not care if this is just a stream of consciousness kind of a thing im doing right now or maybe something i should be doing in my journal because this is the only time i feel honest. i feel pure honesty and fuck consumption idk. im not writing this for anyone's consumption or thinking of their idea of me. no i will not do that. i want to do this because it feels good. is it just that? a feeling? a feeling is all we're chasing? trying to feel a feeling that only comes after acquiring something? i dont want to know more. is it that bad to admit?so what if im not curious? i know maybe learning about myself from a neuroscience perspective would put some order to this disorder but why the hell would i want to know?huh?i want to be so different and idk where that comes from? where does this belief come from that the way im experiencing reality and my circumstances are not what anyone can imagine and relate to?why should i be thinking of this? chat am i just cooked? do i need to eat breakfast and walk 10k steps to feel better?am i overcomplicating this?idk. all i know is existence is just.. a lot. its a lot for me. i try to go on linkedin everyday and im applyinh i promise. as much as i hate it im trying and im so so so trying not to focus on the bad things and im trying to be good and i wish i could trust myself or surrender myself to a higher entity and hand them the reins of my life. i want to and ive been meaning to go to the temple and just feel like a small piece of this earth that'll soon not be here but i dont keep my promises to myself, do i?is my dilemma simply because i dont work for it?if i put my mind to it i can do it i know i know i know. i have done it before and i can do it again. i have to believe i have to believe i have to believe