#ainrecore

[ainre]

1st of May. i have been 23 years old since 5 days now. i got a jolt of realization about my own mortality for the first time since i was like 11. its a bit hard to be reflective and pensive when best of luck nikki intro song is blaring out of your tv in the bg, but i will carry on. that was 12 years ago. im 23 now. im only getting older. i cant shake the feeling of 'beginning of the end'. whether it has to do with me graduating in a month, leaving academic life forever or just the fact that childhood is over, i do not know.

there are no answers to give. just here to spill.

can't recall the last time i ever got my period on the 1st of a month. killer timing. i still dont see myself as this person with a happening life. so much is happening right now. and i know i will look back at this time with fondness and regret.

my final year project internal is tomorrow. i have to wake up early and be brave. i did my part. did my best. im proud of my work.

its now 1:35am may 2nd

this was a saved draft.

i closed my laptop because i dont want to work on this fuckasss ppt

no matter how close i get with someone, the vibe always shifts. it never remains the same. girl, so confusing for me its human, so confusing.

what will i do once this will all be over. will i have anything to look forward to?how will the rest of this year be like for me? i hope i live through it not just survive.

its really hot these days but i still had buldak. yesterday i wanted to have falsa juice but i didnt have enough money and it was way too overpriced anyway. i have to budget out what i have until the end of this semester. on the way back home i saw the falsa vendor though. glad falsa is in season

ive gained some weight and im losing my teenage features

i thrive too much on external validation. learned about the id, ego and superego. freud. gave my english lit prof a movie rec: waking life by richard linklater. i always say if i were born talented enough to be a filmmaker I would make exactly the kind of films he makes. later when i came home i put the movie on again because its been 5 years since i last watched it. and i wanted to experience what he would experience.

its bad and its good. its been bad since the shadi. we've been broke. but im grateful for whatever i still have. the other riches of life imo.

i think ill go now

[ainre]

its 2am and its the ninth of march. im under the spell of yet another consumption high( a term i just coined ig). inaction will get the best of me. i dont want it to get the best of me. i miss the magic i used to feel. Was i the only one that used to feel some kind of a magic in the air?was i actually content with my life durinf covid?before covid? was being surrounded by people i loved all that i wanted and needed? was i just young and hopeful?a part of me did die after that, yes. but i dony dwell on that. ive evolved. am i self-absorbed?dont go on that tangent. im here to scream into the void. that i want to live. i want to live and live and live and feel alive and feel that rush and that pace. i know i dont want to sit on my bed and watch others create. i know i yearn to create and i dont want to care if what im creating is good enough. i just want to breakthrough this invisible wall ive created around myself. everyday i wake up or go to bed and there's this brief moment where I ask myself: whats stopping you from being in the shoes of a michelin star chef or a youtuber who creates animated videos or or idk. why is my mind my biggest enemy. why is it that i come here twice a year to rant but i live constantly with regrets? i shiver infront of people and holding a conversation feels like holding a plank. i dont want to negative self-talk and i know social media is fake and i know i dont know enough and i know the only way ro gaining more confidence in yourself is by knowing more but still here i remain glued to my bed. why?why is my mind my biggest enemy?i will not care if this is just a stream of consciousness kind of a thing im doing right now or maybe something i should be doing in my journal because this is the only time i feel honest. i feel pure honesty and fuck consumption idk. im not writing this for anyone's consumption or thinking of their idea of me. no i will not do that. i want to do this because it feels good. is it just that? a feeling? a feeling is all we're chasing? trying to feel a feeling that only comes after acquiring something? i dont want to know more. is it that bad to admit?so what if im not curious? i know maybe learning about myself from a neuroscience perspective would put some order to this disorder but why the hell would i want to know?huh?i want to be so different and idk where that comes from? where does this belief come from that the way im experiencing reality and my circumstances are not what anyone can imagine and relate to?why should i be thinking of this? chat am i just cooked? do i need to eat breakfast and walk 10k steps to feel better?am i overcomplicating this?idk. all i know is existence is just.. a lot. its a lot for me. i try to go on linkedin everyday and im applyinh i promise. as much as i hate it im trying and im so so so trying not to focus on the bad things and im trying to be good and i wish i could trust myself or surrender myself to a higher entity and hand them the reins of my life. i want to and ive been meaning to go to the temple and just feel like a small piece of this earth that'll soon not be here but i dont keep my promises to myself, do i?is my dilemma simply because i dont work for it?if i put my mind to it i can do it i know i know i know. i have done it before and i can do it again. i have to believe i have to believe i have to believe

[ainre]

[ainre]

Courtyards of our childhood