#aisybi

[mikatogo]

Am I Someone You Believe In?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/62053474/chapters/170838520

Chapter 11: Slow Conversations With A Gun

Summary: Making up, handyman Benson and housewife Randy make their return! Weird people, weird places, and a change that had already been written in the stars.

37k words! From yours truly. Leave a comment and I'll name a plushy after you and take care of it forever.

[mikatogo]

Am I Someone You Believe In?

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapter 12: Everything hurts except for you

Words: 30k

Summary: How To Act After Your First Kill, a Randy Bradley guide. You don't, you freak the fuck out and become a storm of all possible human emotions. They're both all over the fucking place. Good luck.

[mikatogo]

Little "Am I Someone You Believe In?" update because I have been letting y'all STARVE...

Next chapter is currently at a little over 20k words, I genuinely have no idea how long I will make this. It's always a gut feeling when I stop.

I'm a lot more motivated to write now that I wrote some more lighthearted stuff on the side so yay to that or WHATEVER...

Anyways, here's a little snippet. Imagine me waving it at you like you'd do a bone at a dog

[mikatogo]

soon...

[mikatogo]

writing 200k words for a fandom with 20 people and never being mentioned in the very niche things is so devastating (it's because i barely ever interact with anyone)

[mikatogo]

HI!!!! You are one of my absolute favorite authors in the passenger fandom. I absolutely love your benson and randy and the love they have for each other in your fic! The way you write them kind of reminds me a devoted follower worshiping their own god/deity, but i can never make up my mind who is the follower and who is worshipped. What do you think ?

(Sorry if I sound stupid lol)

TEEEEHEHEHEHEEE THANK YOU!!! I still get giddy whenever I realise that people are ACTUALLY reading what I write like woah...

But, anyways. Good question!

One of my favourite dynamics to explore between them is the switching of positions! In the movie, Benson is hard and leading until he isn't. He looks towards Randy, constantly seeking out assurance and kindness. Randy looks towards Benson for directions and meaning. He asks why, when, what. He hangs onto reasoning, for the first time, instead of assuming.

So that plays into my fic a lot.

Benson kind of sees Randy as this divine being. God or an angel, something that is not only able but also willing to save him. He kneels and begs if Randy forces him enough simply because he wants the kindness that only Randy has ever shown him. He gives him little gifts like offerings, tidies him up, wants to give him a home which is somewhat a representation of an altar or church. Randy, in his eyes, is only dirtied by the world in a way that is cleanable. He can cleanse him of whatever clings to him; his trauma, bullying, his family. But underneath it all he's still untouched while Benson thinks himself devoid of goodness. His trauma has turned him into nothing; not a gentler person, not more empathetic. He turned himself hard, let it fester until the shine of brightness was eaten up completely.

Randy on the other hand sees Benson as a force of nature, something unstoppable even though he's so aware of the impending death they will face. I turned Randy into a very obsessive person. Hyperfixations and (somewhat) a case of OCD. Benson has turned into his obsession, something that eats him up from the inside. He wants him close all the time, he can't stop thinking about him, can't stop from obsessing over all the possible ways he could die. Benson has become the focus of his world. He sees him less of a God and more as something that was very naturally in his orbit.

If I really think about it, including your ask, then I would say that Benson is the worshipper while Randy is this unreachable entity. He has lived his life without Randy and only now knows the life he could live if he was just a tiny bit (insane) devoted. He hates organised religion but Randy is right there, within reach, isn't it just human nature to yearn for something to believe in?

Randy has elevated him onto another pedestal, one that nobody could ever reach because Randy sees nothing but him, Benson is the entire world and it wouldn't make any sense without him there.

[mikatogo]

I MISS YOUUUU SO MUCH HOW ARE YOU

It has been one trillion years... </3

This will be an update nobody wants to read; I haven't been writing or doing any thinking about aisybi since the last update.

Okay, a tiny lie. The next chapter is, I think, halfway done? But I haven't done any work on it since... like six weeks ago. 😬

Life's been absolutely fucking rough on me and I'm kind of struggling with doing anything besides surviving the current fucking curve ball that's speeding at my face.

But what can you do? I see all the kind asks and comments on my fics, thank you so much. I'm trying, really, to get my motivation back up and give y'all something good. But it will probably take a while.

[mikatogo]

Do you have any writing tips you could share? The sheer volume of beautiful writing you put out is so intimidating and inspiring to me.

INTIMIDATING??? MY WRITING??? woaw... Giggling, kicking my feet.

I'm probably the worst person to ask this. I don't outline ANYTHING. I don't prewrite, I don't write dialogue and add the rest later.

I just write. Sometimes I get little promps inside that big ass head of mine and I write them down. Sometimes I sit and space out and come up with the most beautiful sentence ever which I write down and include somewhere along the way. Sometimes I write down where I want a specific part of the story to go. But I don't prepare anything else.

Most of my fanfic comes from the top of my head. I wish I could say that I have a grand masterplan of where this is headed but... I don't.

All of what I'm writing comes from my heart; things I'd like to have, to feel. The only real creative thing about me is that I can write well. Not even stories but essays and papers. I like to write! Aisybi is my first EVER—first fanfiction, first story all together.

So don't take my advice. Find what fits you well. I usually write, see where it takes me. Sometimes I delete 1k words just because it felt too repetitive, sometimes I don't care at all if it's repetitive as long as I enjoy it. Write for yourself instead of an audience! I usually reread the chapter while writing it. Over... and over.... and fucking over again. Probably around 20-30 times before I upload it. Yes, insane.

This is an absolute horrible answer, I'm so sorry 😭