MikaToGo

happy birthday miku!! from me— from me jermy! she/they, 22, GER/ENG OK!

[mikatogo]

Am I Someone You Believe In?

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapter 12: Everything hurts except for you

Words: 30k

Summary: How To Act After Your First Kill, a Randy Bradley guide. You don't, you freak the fuck out and become a storm of all possible human emotions. They're both all over the fucking place. Good luck.

[aantinous]

but when he walks in, i am loved, i am loved

[mikatogo]

Am I Someone You Believe In?

It feels very disingenuous coming back and acting like it hasn't been half a year since I've last updated or interacted with anyone.

So this is just a small, very tiny, update.

I'm back to writing! Yay! Over the last few days I've read up on my own fanfic, how crazy is that? And it's just a story that's very dear to my heart. After everything I got back to writing it! Yay again!

Every ambitiously I have cranked out around 4k words for the next chapter just today, woewwww... I hope to write some more for you, of course. For all the three people that still care about this story at all. It won't be the last chapter but I hope to be more... well, balanced, with my life now than before, and so I'm trying not to let it consume my life and burn me out but instead create something that we can all enjoy.

Now to the personal weewee that you're very welcome to skip:

I've had the worst three years of my life with just constant, constant pressure and horrible working conditions (my boss, one of the only three people I work with, ignoring me for FIVE MONTHS for example) and now I'm free! Well, not entirely because I'm also still in that same job just in a different shop and there's still a lot of horrible gossip and whatever going on but it's more manageable, at least for now.

I've worked myself near to death, I lost all the motivation and my passions I had outside of work until all I could do was doom scroll and sleep before getting up for another 10 hours of life draining work. I've finished my apprenticeship around three weeks ago and I've watched more movies and read more books in those three weeks than in the entire last year! Yay number three.

That's it for now.

Thank you to all the people that have commented on the last chapter almost six months ago. Thank you to the dms and questions about the fic. Thank you for all your kind words.

I'm very sorry to all the mutuals and friends I have let down by pulling away so completely. You deserved better than that even when I couldn't bring myself to make that jump and reach out.

The next chapter is coming, and I hope you guys are coming along :)

[mikatogo]

Remember me?

[mikatogo]

I MISS YOUUUU SO MUCH HOW ARE YOU

It has been one trillion years... </3

This will be an update nobody wants to read; I haven't been writing or doing any thinking about aisybi since the last update.

Okay, a tiny lie. The next chapter is, I think, halfway done? But I haven't done any work on it since... like six weeks ago. 😬

Life's been absolutely fucking rough on me and I'm kind of struggling with doing anything besides surviving the current fucking curve ball that's speeding at my face.

But what can you do? I see all the kind asks and comments on my fics, thank you so much. I'm trying, really, to get my motivation back up and give y'all something good. But it will probably take a while.

[mikatogo]

I was scrolling through the passenger/stockroom syndrome tag and came across one of your drabbles. And I IMMEDIATELY clicked through to your blog because I loved your writing so much. Proceeded to consume everything you’ve written on here and on my way to ao3 to read your long fic(s) too. I just wanted to say I ADORE the way you write Ranson and how they never feel ooc or unbelievable in any way. I can actually picture both characters doing and saying the things you’re writing and it makes me so immersed in the story! I also almost cried reading your “volunteer firefighter” Drabble it made my heart feel all warm and fuzzy haha. Anyway just wanted to tell you that you’re awesome and I hope you continue to write and find it enjoyable because you do an amazing job!

Thank you so much, that's so kind!!! I actually die a little every time someone acknowledges my writing at all so seeing something like that makes me do flips across my flat

Thank you!! 🫂🫂

[kevinogilvie-deactivated2025092]

That evil guitarist will pay

[mikatogo]

Y'all shoulda told me that the second passenger anniversary was coming along!!!! Now I don't got anything lined up!!!! Smfh

Well... only one thing to do now... send me a prompt and I'll write something short 👀👀

[mikatogo]

What minecraft mob do you think benson and randy would be?

This is so funny 😭

Benson as a creeper came to mind first since he blows up if you get too close! Such a basic answer but we'll get there...

Randy would be a cat, maybe, since creepers keep away from the player if they have a cat along! Randy tries to steer others clear of Benson so they don't get hurt. He tries not to let Benson blow up like he did in BBB.

Okay, now a bit more niche and totally from the top of my head.

Benson could also be a phantom. In-game they appear at nighttime or during thunderstorms, when the player has not entered a bed for at least 3 days. I kinda link that to that disappearing/appearing nature of Benson that I have already talked about! In a lot of scenes he disappears quietly before reentering in a more violent, almost jumpscare-like, way. Yes, phantoms scare the shit outta me... 😭 Also, yes, Enderman Benson is the same.

Randy as a ghast... BEAR (🐻) WITH ME... Ghasts are, as per last patch, said to be from the overworld but they're TRAPPED in the underworld, "sad and longing for their original home"... neow... Randy is trapped in the past, he knows he is and he actively mourns what could be. Ghasts are left in a dehydrated "hibernation" state, just like Randy who is on autopilot for most of his life. Anyways, they're still hostile, and Randy has a secret urge to hurt others. He's suffering, he's not completely innocent.

Y'all get me? Y'all get me.

[mikatogo]

Im so happy you answered my ask about monster ranson!!! Ahhhh i love your brain so much! Your giving me so many ideas to draw! Do you think you would ever write a fic with a similar theme? Also! I gotta ask what car did you have randy and benson steal? I keep picturing a old Honda crv ( my dream car) but i was wondering if you had a specific car you were referencing.

Sending happy thoughts 👻🙌🏻

I loved the monster ranson ask!!! omg!!!

Yes I did think about writing a one shot for it or maybe include it in aisybi (in some way at least), maybe both! I'm currently in a writing slump so that will take a while :(

Good question! I actually wrote what car it was into the fic so thank god for that otherwise I would've forgotten LMFAO.

It's a Toyota Landcruiser 76! I did make the change that it has a bench instead of seats in the front, maybe the old man that they stole it from (bless him) modded it or something, or maybe it's just the magic of fanfiction...

[mikatogo]

I get the greed that they talk about in the bible when i get an ask like... ASK ME MORE, ASK ME MORE NEOW!!!! NOW, LIKE ASK ME MORE RIGHT NOW!!! RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!

[mikatogo]

HELLO!!!!! SOooo after rereading AISYBI for like the 85th time, i wonder: what would you say is your favorite chapter you've written?? hardest one to complete? any scrapped storylines?? 💖💖

Okay Garmin, overthink the answer.

Favourite chapter is a veryyy hard question since I have written a lot of them with a kind of motivation that I currently don't have LMFAO. My favourite to write was probably chapter 9 because I wrote a lot of moments I had been building up in my head! I also loved writing chapter 6, I look back very fondly at that. There's something about that building pressure between them, the distance and closeness, the way that they're really starting to develop in that one.

Hardest one to complete was probably the latest chapter or the one before that. I had a very clear vision where I wanted to go but getting there was incredibly hard. Writing the story in between the moments that I already have drawn out in my head is sooo tedious because I just want to get to that particular moment that I'm so excited to write! I like to write in one flow rather than separate scenes so I gotta write all those tiny little things before getting to the good stuff! And the last two chapters ended with BOOMS that I had planned for weekssss in advance.

Scrapped storylines don't really exist in AISYBI, almost all of it comes very natural and grows with the story. The only thing I'm really scrapping are small moments. Sometimes I have written out entire fights and end up deleting the whole thing because it's ridiculous how often they fight. Sometimes I swap when something happens—an example for that is in chapter 12 after they make up, they're in a diner arguing over helping people. The next scene is in the car. Only after finishing the chapter I decided to switch those scenes around, it used to be the car first and then the diner. SO, no real scrapping.

Thank you so much for reading and rereading!!! It means the world to me! The next chapter is coming along. Slowly but it's coming! I swear!!!!!

[sacred-portal]

[floraleexx-deactivated20251203]

I know we've been eating so well you won't care about this sweet little crumb but you can see from the ten pixels that noel smiled when the tambourine fell off a certain twat's head

[vimesbootstheory]

not looking to pick fights so I'm not rb-ing but it's not parasocial to interact with an ao3 author and to respond to what they say in author notes or comments, that's just being social

ao3 authors aren't content creators, that's a real person sans public persona just sharing a cool thing they made

[syrea-me]

#It wasn't parasocial when I almost had an #affair with an author I reeeeeally liked haha

[mikatogo]

who wanna get close and personal

[mikatogo]

Let me leave MORE KUDOS. >:((((

I love your soft Benson so much, I can't even articulate it. I wanna pinch his cheeks.

I feel it in my heart when you press kudos even though you have already given it ❤️

Thank you so much *twirls in meadow*

[mikatogo]

Do you have any writing tips you could share? The sheer volume of beautiful writing you put out is so intimidating and inspiring to me.

INTIMIDATING??? MY WRITING??? woaw... Giggling, kicking my feet.

I'm probably the worst person to ask this. I don't outline ANYTHING. I don't prewrite, I don't write dialogue and add the rest later.

I just write. Sometimes I get little promps inside that big ass head of mine and I write them down. Sometimes I sit and space out and come up with the most beautiful sentence ever which I write down and include somewhere along the way. Sometimes I write down where I want a specific part of the story to go. But I don't prepare anything else.

Most of my fanfic comes from the top of my head. I wish I could say that I have a grand masterplan of where this is headed but... I don't.

All of what I'm writing comes from my heart; things I'd like to have, to feel. The only real creative thing about me is that I can write well. Not even stories but essays and papers. I like to write! Aisybi is my first EVER—first fanfiction, first story all together.

So don't take my advice. Find what fits you well. I usually write, see where it takes me. Sometimes I delete 1k words just because it felt too repetitive, sometimes I don't care at all if it's repetitive as long as I enjoy it. Write for yourself instead of an audience! I usually reread the chapter while writing it. Over... and over.... and fucking over again. Probably around 20-30 times before I upload it. Yes, insane.

This is an absolute horrible answer, I'm so sorry 😭