Barton [aka-hawkeye]: I’m gonna make everything she owns smell like pizza. I’m gonna plant pizza everywhere. In her purse. In her desk drawer. I will leave greasy fingerprints on everything.
She started this. I’m just defending myself.
I’m gonna make her REALLY hate pizza.
Sterling: That is the OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE WANT
Barton [aka-hawkeye]: NO. FUCK HER. SHE DOESNT DESERVE PIZZA. SHE MADE HER CHOICE.
Sterling: Goddamnit...
Barton [aka-hawkeye]: I’m putting a “honk if you love pizza” sticker on her bumper
Sterling: NOOOOOO do NOT mess with her car
Barton, please. I'm begging you.
I will do anything
Barton [aka-hawkeye]: Oh. I’m so gonna fuck with her car.
Sterling: STOP! LITERALLY ANYTHING! I WILL DO IT!
Barton [aka-hawkeye]: NO. ITS TOO LATE. SHE WANTED TO FIGHT ILL GIVE HER A FIGHT
Sterling: I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL BE PUNISHED FOR THIS
Barton [aka-hawkeye]: It was only a matter of time. Things were never gonna last between you two. It’s ok though. You’ll move on. Find someone better.
[I have a few Bartons but since you didn’t specify I’m going to go with aka-hawkeye which was my first Barton and remains his best friend. Even though they aren’t active on tumblr we still chat on discord and have recently started rping again. Also shut up, I kind of love this stupid gif. XD It’s one of the first ones I made for this blog.]
Barton is my best friend. I met him the day I was recruited into SHIELD. It’s sort of because of him that I’m here. Honestly, he was sort of a pain in the ass at first. He pushed a lot of buttons just to get a rise out of me but once we got over that hump of testing each other we really became fast friends.
When he’s not sneaking mayonnaise into my sandwiches and trying to kill me that is.
I trust him more than anyone else in the world. With my sisters, with my secrets, with my vulnerabilities, everything. He is my brother and even though he can still be an absolute piece of shit, I would walk through hell and back for that man and have no regrets.
" 𝐨𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 --- " he’s been allowed a moment to wait which , in a way , he feels wasn’t meant to happen , and slightly looks a bit remorseful that it did . “ that was supposed to do something , huh . “
[aka-hakweye, Sterling’s original Barton, and I have been doing secret discord rps and we recently started on what Sterling has been doing to try and desensitize himself to his Merc triggers by exposing him to them until he no longer had a negative reaction to them. Here is a snippet of what we did to show the work they are doing to help Sterling behind the scenes.]
Words are given meaning by people. That meaning gives them power. For 8 years Sterling's fear had been feeding them that power over him by giving those words meaning. He had been feeding Merc that power.
And God, he was so sick of it. So tired. It plagued him. It seeped into everything he did. All of his interactions and relationships were tainted by it. He took a deep breath in and sighed it out to steady his nerves. God, he needed a shot to get through this. Or water. He was suddenly so thirsty just thinking about having to do this. No, not having to do this. Choosing to. He is choosing this. He is taking control. He is giving himself power instead of these words. He was ready.
There was no one he trusted to do this more than Barton. Sterling sat in a chair, hoping that would add to the effect, and nodded to his friend.
"Ok. Fire away."
Barton hadn’t even hesitated when Sterling had asked for his help. It was a no-brainer. Merc had haunted him long enough and it was time to fight back with everything he had.
He stood in front of him, a few feet apart, arms folded and expression stern. This was gonna be a long and exhausting day, but giving up was not an option.
Barton nodded.
“I hate SHIELD.”
A long pause.
“No one in it can be trusted.”
Softly spoken, as if the words held no meaning.
Then a whisper.
“.....I eat ass.”
Sterling was steeling his nerves for more until--
He cracked a smile and tried not to laugh at the last line. Shit, Barton had been the perfect choice for this mission. He wasn't expecting that and because it was so unexpected it brought him totally out of the tailspin he knew he was on the verge of. An actual smile on his face now, he nodded to Barton to continue. For the first real moment since he started this brand of therapy, he felt like it was actually going to work.
Seeing Sterling crack caused a shit-eating grin to form. Even Barton struggled not to laugh but he managed to suppress the urge by clearing his throat instead.
“Alright. Ok. For real this time.”
Another pause. The air once again turning electric.
“I hate SHIELD. Just focus on you’re breathing. No one in it can be trusted. You’re hair looks stupid. SHIELD is a den of liars and murderers. You’re out of milk and Oreos by the way.”
Sure, he was going easy on him, but baby steps were important. Throwing him into the deep end would just make everything worse.
In this moment he was so thankful to Barton for this. So thankful to have someone he trusted enough with his darkest moments who was able to shed some light on them. He knew the dark was coming around again, but with a foundation like this to build from he knew he could recall this and make it better. Make it lighter.
"I'm sorry, you distracted me. What was SHIELD again?" Sterling's voice was breathy but there was clear amusement in it.
20 minutes had ticked by, and for the past 10 Barton had simply repeated the phrases. No jokes. No laughter. Just a loop of various speeds and intensities, making sure to gauge his reaction to each of them. He never shouted or crossed into aggression, but speaking rather loudly once or twice.
Barton had not moved from his position, instead remaining a focus point should he need it.
Then finally, a break from the routine. “...I ate SHIELD. Nothing can be crusted. SHIELD is a bouncy castle of liars and murderers.”
The last 10 minutes had been rough though not nearly as rough as they could have been had Barton not eased him into it so hilariously.
‘You know they aren't going to find your body, right?’
‘Believe the words.’
‘They're the truth.’
‘They're the only things that can save you in the end.’
"Shut up..." Sterling had whispered sternly and closed his eyes. He imagined Barton's face, trying not to laugh. He imagined the silly things Barton had told him between the phrases. He heard Merc, but his head didn't hurt nearly as bad. Just a mild sting. His fingers formed uncomfortable fists with light nail digging into his palms but he didn't draw blood.
‘You can’t fix what was broken to begin with.’
"Yes I can..." He swallowed.
And then... 'I ate SHIELD.'
The corner of Sterling's mouth curled up and he thanked Barton in his head for the relief. He actually felt a tear in the corner of his eye from how fucking thankful he was for his best friend right then. He laughed at the second phrase and wiped the tear away, breathing out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Sterling rested his forehead in his hand, elbow propped on the arm of the chair, and let the tension ease a little.
