#akow

[gelaimalunggay]

With broken words I’ve tried to say

Honey don’t you be afraid

If we got nothing, we got us

[gelaimalunggay]

I've been busy for so long that I forgot I was sad. But I got tired, rested for a bit, and now I remember.

I'm having trouble breathing again. I'm suffering.

[gelaimalunggay]

It's 1:23 am and I made myself believe that days go by without me remembering you. But really, even if I am cities away from you, you're all I could think about.

I see someone cross the street, and it's you. I see a bald guy, and it's you. I see someone wearing a cap, and it's you. I know that it couldn't be you because you are nowhere near me. That's why whenever I see you in my mind's eye, I don't react anymore. Well, I used to.

Tonight, I listen to Don't Let Me Down.

Crashing, hit a wall Right now I need a miracle Hurry up now, I need a miracle Stranded, reaching out I call your name but you're not around I say your name but you're not around

Running out of time I really thought you were on my side But now there's nobody by my side

This song still pains me. Even more than Roses. 

I'm going crazy. Sometimes I think that I made it up because 'no photos, never happened' right?

A few days ago, I thought maybe it's time to change all of my passwords because it just reminds me of you too. But then I put them there in the first place so that I won't forget you.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just amazed that I can maintain feelings with just me and no reciprocity, no communication, and nothing. I don't even see you. It's a choice I made nuh. I want to not fall in love again. I want to stay in love with you even if it hurts.

I'm chasing pavements even if my pavements are running away from me. I don't care if it leads nowhere. At least I know that you are the one that I love. Hay. I miss you. I love you even after all this time.

[gelaimalunggay]

I don’t want to make a big deal of what today means to me but here I am doing exactly what I’m not supposed to do.

“Sky’s the heaven”

“Epic fail ka talaga”

I’m starting to forget and that’s good but I don’t want to. I’m sorry, I love you.

[gelaimalunggay]

With all due honesty before I leave, I put this here for everyone to see and then pretend that it never happened

Waking up anxiously for a week is so tiring. Last night I talked to my mother about my job and I felt better. This is going to be a very long post about my feelings in general (well not in general).

What I still don’t feel good about is that I want to see you. After all this time, I do. After all the ‘magmomove on na ako starting today,’ I still love you. After all the ‘aalis na ako dito,’ I still want to stay for you. After all the ‘ayoko na talaga last na to,’ I still want to.

Nakakapagod. 

I cannot count the times that I cried for you after everything that happened. I still cry until now. I have deactivated almost everything that connects to you but then again, I still get news about you. “They say that time heals all wounds, but that presumes that the source of grief is finite.” True. You see, we have no communication for over a month or so but I still get hurt. I cannot, in any way, find a solution for this pain.

I don’t understand my feelings. You see, the last time you were around, I was very sure that I have moved on. That there are no more feelings. That I am done. But the very moment you were gone, when nobody else was watching, my God my skies went gray my dear. I think when you’re around, a part of me represses all the feelings because what I did was embarrassing and I don’t want to embarrass myself even further. I crossed mountains for you, literally. I don’t do that. I am a reasonable person. I swear. I may sometimes be very impulsive but I know my limits. Or maybe knew.

Some things that I truly love about you

You always surprise me. When I told you that you have a constellation on your arm, you said it was Cassiopeia. What guy knows Cassiopeia (except from Encantadia). That’s why Cassiopeia is my favorite constellation. And when it’s nighttime and I look at the sky and the stars, I look for Cassiopeia. I look for you.

You have a very vast knowledge about things. I showed you this pun about the elephant in the room. I told you I didn’t understand so you explained it to me in a very kind way, not condescending at all (and now I feel like crying). And that was a deep English joke that even I did not understand.

You have the sense of humor that I like, not the one with the punchlines. And I could live with that.

You have a lot of stories. I know this is the one you love most about me too. When you were telling this story about your scar, I thought to myself, “Look at how his eyes shine while telling this story.” And I was just looking at you, smiling in disbelief that I have you for a boyfriend.

This list does not encompass every little thing I love about you. But then again, if I were to write everything with all the details, when will I ever stop writing?

The things I didn’t like so much

You smoke.

You drink.

That was probably all. And if there were more, I was ready to accept it (from the very start).

You were perfect, you were perfect, you were perfect. You are perfect for me. After you, how can I ever find someone else. After you, how I can I love someone else. They will always be second rate. And I think it will be very unfair for these other guys if I just keep on looking for you in them. It is unfair. Life’s not fair. You were everything I didn’t know I needed.

Today, skoa is gonna get married. If I go, will I see you there? Are you friends with the bride? Are you friends with the groom? I want to see you one last time before I leave. Please please please let me see your face. I just want to see you. I really really want to see you even if I don’t show my true emotions, please just let me see you.

The very first time I saw you, I knew you were the one. Truly. Hahhaa. No this was my real first thought, “Too ordinary for me pero Oh My God.” I knew even then. I knew. I knew. I knew. I know. Or do I? Hahahaha. Ano to existential crisis? Char

Ang akin lang is, I’m leaving. I don’t want to leave but I have to. Ang hirap nung lagi akong on my toes trying to avoid you as a topic but also trying to be discreetly engaged if ikaw na nga ang topic. Ang hirap nung after kang pag-usapan, masasaktan ako kinagabihan. Masakit magpretend na wala na kaso mas mahirap and degrading kapag ipakita mo lang sa mga tao na nasasaktan ka. I always put up a happy face. But I swear, when I’m alone, I’m the saddest I could be. Hay.

I love you akow I love you I love you I love you. Maybe ikaw yung hinde ready for a relationship nung mga panahong yun, but right now, ako naman. Hindi ako ready. And my whole person does not want a boyfriend right now. This is true. Ang hirap sundan ka as a boyfriend. One day, if nakalimutan na kita maybe (maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe) I’ll try to love again. With all my heart.

[gelaimalunggay]

Lately, I have been having trouble breathing. There is too much anxiety in me and I don’t even know where it’s coming from. 

Or maybe I do and I just don’t want to tell anybody about it.

I kind of feel like dying a little bit. I just want all of these to end.

[gelaimalunggay]

Short Bursts of Honesty

First, let me give you a recap of how my day went (so far) (it’s only 3:23 pm)

I went to the bank. On my way, natumba ako. Masakit bes. Ngayon ang sakit maglakad. Truly. Tapos when I was pabalik na sa office, nakaapak ako ng thumb tack. And there was this other katangahan pa which is girl stuff kaya nevermind. hahha. Pero waley gad ako now. As in.

And now what is this. Wala na nga akong fb para di ako makakita ng mga painful stuff but then again I have friends na gustong madaliin ang pain. Hahhaah. At least di na ako magugulat. Okay na rin to. Hinihintay ko lang si Julius kung ano ang sasabihin niya.

Last time, I was being very honest to this person as in very very honest tapos sabi ko joke lang. That’s why I am branded na as sinungaling. Hahahha. Pero I take pride na man in my being a very magaling na sinungaling which I should not do diba because that’s wrong. But meh

This is truly all my fault. But maybe his too for not telling the truth (which hurt!) but not one that I couldn’t handle. I may be like this but I believe that I am a very strong woman which Marwell always says (in his ways). My fault here is for still holding on after a very very long time. A very long time indeed. I should’ve known.

Right now, I am tempted to tell a certain person my secrets, which I have told myself over and over na dapat ibaon ko na sa limot and pretend that it never happened. Pero may urge talaga ako na sabihin ang totoo.

One day I will die. One day he will die. I won’t be happy if he dies. But maybe a little relieved? HAHAHAHHA. That might be the meanest thing ever. But it’s something to look forward to.

[gelaimalunggay]

Yung One and Eleven ba na post nung secret files, wala lang. Binilang ko rin yung akin, One and Eleven din. Exactly. Like from the first day to today. Exactly one and eleven. Wala lang. Share ko lang kasi what are the chances?

I mean, ang tagal nag hiatus ng page na yan tapos babalik siya ngayon at magpopost ng ganyan tapos exact din sa akin di ko keri. What are the odds. Hindi niyo gets kung gaano to ka-creepy for me. Exact ba kasi gets niyo ba ako. If bukas pa nagstop sa hiatus ang secret files, mali na yun pero it chose to post it today!!

Wala lang. Humingi ba ako ng sign? Hindi naman. Wala yun meaning