#alaska derive

[solitudae]

hey, so this is my first book which i published in january and i am still more than proud of myself. this poetry book collects four years of falling in love and falling apart and my best attempts of healing which i am doing, slowly. it will take you through a raw, rough and sorrowful journey of every ounce of bitterness, heartbreak, solitude and mental illness, but also to the path of growth and healing as well as some kind of drowning in love and cheap red wine. if you would like to support me as a young artist (which would mean the world to me) you can purchase the book on amazon (europe only) or epubli.de (many countries worldwide) by just typing in “about falling in love or falling apart” in the searchbar. and also, my instagram is @solitudae

[solitudae]

behind your lips there is the word "home" laying on your tongue, sleeping there silently soothing, waiting for it to quit your mouth to enter mine, haunting the demons out of my spine and goddamn, you make me homesick. behind your eyelids there's a universe, much more than some kind of god could create, you ease all this pain and goddamn, you make me speechless.

[solitudae]

one day you won’t be eighteen anymore. you will jump into your car and leave the town that used to make you feel like you were suffocating for years. you won’t think about the girl with the green eyes and halfbaked smile anymore who broke your heart in this night in may.  you will no longer be the girl that's clenching her shaking fingers on a cigarette or the girl who kissed more bottles than humans or the girl that breaks down crying on her bathroom floor once in a while.  you’ll look back and realize that the worst is over and the best is yet to come. and all that will remain are memories with no longer a bitter taste to them.

you won’t be eighteen and struggeling for the rest of your life

[solitudae]

For the first time I'm falling for the cure not the poison because there's nothing but light when I see you. Take me back to your bed, cover me under your sheet, you make these scars stop to bleed. You're enough of a proof of god for an atheist, with every word you speak my wounds start to heal. And most of the time that I feel fine it's because I'm looking in your eyes, I found comfort in you cause you're my greatest weakness and strength at the same time. The feeling of your skin on mine is whispering "you're safe here" and every kiss is screaming "I'm finally home".

[solitudae]

"I’ve always been scared of falling in love because falling means hitting the ground, it means pain and broken bones and lakes of blood. You made sense of my mess and now I’m falling apart, I still see your halfbaked smile in the yellow lights of the trainstation, the way you pulled me close and leaving me at the same place one week later. I let you in and you caved your name into my heart in the most beautiful and painful way possible. I knew you were a forestfire and you burned me down in between shots of vodka, starry nights and too many cigarettes. The evening you told me you didn’t love me was alright and it was alright that you pulled me off the platformedge and by alright I mean terrible and I’m not fine at all. And most nights I lay awake wishing you were still with me and some nights I lay awake wishing I was dead. I’m scared it will never stop. I’m scared that it will always be you. You with your halfbaked smile and your green eyes.“

falling in love and falling apart in may

[solitudae]

this is to you and only you. this is about the way your voice cracks when your smile breaks through your words. this is about the way you look at me as if you saw galaxies where I only saw empty skies. this is about how your voice sounding like my favourite poem.  this is about the way you touch me, not skin on skin but soul on soul. this is to us. the young, the wild, the reckless. the lovers.

Alaska J. Dérive

[solitudae]

there's nothing tragically-romantic about a heartbreak. there's nothing poetic about falling apart into a thousand pieces, unable to ever be in the same shape again because the scars will remain and ache. there's nothing beautiful about drowning in a black sea of sadness, crushed under layers of thick black water filling up your lungs. and everytime I told myself that I'd find comfort in my pain I was lying because pain never made a home like two eyes and a heartbeat did.

there’s nothing poetic about falling apart 

[solitudae]

Verfickte Medikamente behindern literarische Ergüsse, die ihrer angemessen wären. A. Wer ist sie? Nicht die geliebte Umarmung der Göttin, wohl eher der Tanz mit dem Teufel (er schwingt die Hüften verdammt gut). Ein Mysterium, freudestrahlend in den Tod. Tod, nein fuck, nein! Eben nicht den Tod. (Es ist wohlgemerkt schwer über sie zu schreiben, ohne den Tod zu erwähnen.) Ihr Name bedeutet die goldene Sonne, doch so ist sie nicht. Sie ist Versuchung, Abenteuer, Hassliebeliebeliebe. Die Göttin der Zurückgelassenen, doch selbst so verloren.

Hass – Liebe

Vertraue keiner übernächtigten Künstlerin, die randvoll mit Tavor an der Wand rennende Buchstaben sieht.

A. Ein Buchstabe, tausend Versprechungen. Wer sie ist? Ich werde es wohl nie wissen. Ob sie das selbst je wird?Der Schatz liegt tief unten im gesunkenen Wrack, das ehemals sie war.Gestrandet an Menschen, Kippen, Drogen, sich.

Ich finde deinen Schatz.

Versprochen.

- about a girl called Ardey