#ales rambles

[gingeralethots]

“i can’t pretend this didnt happened”

you can’t, I know; you don’t have to

this moment of me panicking, my eyes searching for safety from the screams in my mind, digging my nails into skin, praying for breakage, for release, trying to keep it at bay

assumptions passed and communication breaks, choking back tears unable to speak

how do I explain the demons in my mind when it’s your unimaginable reality

you can’t pretend this didn’t happen but I have to if I want to survive

[gingeralethots]

still flabbergasted this was a real conversation between my mom and I

aren’t you glad I didn’t let you get the HPV vaccine

(me being done and salty) I needed one for hsv2

oh well it could’ve helped with that too

then I wish I had gotten it

no you don’t, getting the vaccine would’ve been worse

🤨

uh huh

sure

[gingeralethots]

i indirectly apologized to someone for taking like 5 days to respond and all they said was (after responding like nothing happened) “take care of important things first” and??? mind. blown.

[gingeralethots]

once i left mormonism i was able to deconstruct the beliefs i was fed and explore my options. because i finally had options.

things like children, i really don’t remember actually wanting kids. like. i knew i was going to have children eventually, or i expected to, but i much more imagined my future without children than with. 

i remember in my first marriage even having to debate between my career and children. not choosing certain paths because of the difficulties it would present once children were involved. i knew if i had kids i didn’t want to be like my mom and i told her that regularly. having children is still an “if” statement though. i don’t have strong opinions on wanting them, i know i don’t want to go through pregnancy. i know that being potentially forced into a vaginal birth would be incredibly difficult psychologically.

but kids? like kids i birth to raise? idk man.

the current political climate is not one i want to bring children into. have you seen outside? the current literal climate is not one for children. it’s not one for any human much less children. 

the generational trauma? ew.

the responsibility for allllllll of it? also ew

im just, i don’t think i see the desire?

i could have kids, like im not necessarily against having children BUT i don’t actively want them either. 

kids are fun but the best part is giving them back to their parents.

[teostrax-blog]