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i feel so guilty. im too mentally unwell for people. i know my friends love me and say its okay but i feel so guilty and sorry.

im sorry for my brain and how i act. im trying to be better. im trying.

#bpd #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #vent post #actually cptsd #cptsd vent

at the end of the day im still just that kid who would wait for hours to make sure our mom made it home that night. wanting to say goodnight even though she wouldn't remember it.

#bpd #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #vent post #actually cptsd #cptsd vent #mommy issues

I also hate that if I were to date someone again, sadly a huge requirement is that it'd be an absolute fact, 100%, that we'd move in together fairly soon and that we'd actually see each other. I spent over 7.5 years total in long distance relationships. two separate people and both of them seriously fucked me up. I am also being abused so badly in this house but since I can't work, my mom is chronically ill and severely disabled, and my brother is disabled, my dad - who is the one who is genuinely abusing me to no end (sexually, physically, emotionally/mentally, all of it.) - is the only person who has income. he owns the cars. all the bills are in his name and he's the only one who knows the passwords, log ins, etc. the rent/lease is his name. everything is under his name. if we got police involved, we would go homeless and with our needs, we'd literally die. we have no family to go to and no homeless shelter is made for chronically ill or disabled people. so yeah. there are some things you just can't call the police on because it would make it so much worse.

but I have been being abused beyond belief since I was 13. I can barely take it anymore. I wasted so much fucking time with two different partners who treated me horribly and then kept making promises that they never went through on/with. if I was going to date someone and we wouldn't be able to see each other consistently and move in together fairly quickly, I couldn't do it. it really sucks but.. I'm going to end up dead in this house and I want a fucking future. I want a life with someone I love so deeply. I want to make memories and experience something other than this.

it's hard enough when I feel like I'm so hard to love. and then with this issue, it's worse. idk. I seriously have so much love to give and I want a girl I can just adore and love and worship and make so fucking happy. but I'm scared I'm too much

#obscene.txt #actually bpd #actually cptsd #wlw vent #wlw yearning #wlw post #wlw thoughts

I remember when I cut off my 'sperm donor' a year ago that his girlfriend went straight to social media to vauge post about my guardian and how they 'manipulated' me.

As if I wasn't an 18 year old, who had their own feelings, and those feelings were nothing but negative towards him.

But thats the world of abusers who think that their green card baby actually gave a shit about them and weren't forced to talk to them against their will

More importantly! Happy one year no contact with the asshole who is the source for most of my issues!