Empty Words

29 she/they

[gingeralethots]

I fought for this, right? I worked for it, I think.

I chose it, sunk the money in, sunk the time

The sleepless nights and putting my brain in overdrive

The degree is done, but I'm not done

A bump in the road that I didn't expect

And I can't relearn 6 years of math in a week

I built my hopes up and planned changes on this reality

I counted my chickens before they hatched

I would expect myself to know better

You expect the best but plan for the worst

In the excitement I forgot, what being excited brings

Disappointment and tears

I'll still get there I know

This year or the next whats really the difference

A childhood dream just out of my reach

The race isn't over yet

But I can't see the ending

[gingeralethots]

Not flinching scares me more

It doesn't, but it does

I wait for the other shoe

The moment the rug gets pulled

I remember the first month from years ago

That blissful month

Where everything was right

Hurts were covered by apologies

I was the most comfortable I had been

He pretended to be everything I needed and wanted

So now, now I panic when I receive love

When I receive care

When the right words and actions are happening

When hope becomes all too familiar

Because nothing good has come from being happy

I sit tight, I close my mouth

I find the words for the thoughts in my head

Stumbling and stuttering while trying not to cry

I hope their patience remains

I'm not trying to run

And I swear I don't want to

But the screams are getting louder and I'm freezing up

[tiredmisophonicwerewolf]

I find it so funny when mormons try to say “I hate gay people” without actually saying it

[gingeralethots]

With carefully selected words and a gentle tone I expose another truth

Another reality that haunts my childhood

You're learning he wasn't what you thought

And I'm learning you really didn't know

You speak like we're friends and its confusing

as an adult I empathize

I understand

I get it

And I can forgive

My inner child tho

Is still angry and hurt, wrestling with this new knowledge

I think it hurts more, at least when you were complacent you saw me

Knowing you didn't know proves I was invisible

I break remembering how hard I tried to get your attention

How I could never get it until I started yelling

Until I stopped being the child you didn't have to worry about

And yet, those years, of me being a normal teen, you use against me the most

It's difficult to reconcile that you couldn't protect me

that your memories are blank while mine put me in therapy

It's difficult to reconcile that you actually loved me when I was fighting for my life in the home you left me in

[gingeralethots]

Your words still haunt me

Triggering panic attacks when I hear familiar phrases

My mind obsessing over your excuses and reasons

“I get why he hit you”

“I meant to hurt you, just not that much”

“You should be grateful I don’t beat you, anyone else would”

“It took 6 years but I finally realized I actually love you”

“You never had a job did you? You were just working the corner instead”

“It’s all in your head, you just don’t want to have sex with me”

“You didn’t fight hard enough for me to respect your boundaries”

“You can’t explain anything correctly”

“You planned this all along, you were always going to leave”

“Pathetic”

It’s been years and yet the damage is still present. Some of it permanently altering my mind

I knew it was coming. I knew you wouldn’t change, I knew the speed you’d go

It’s not that it hurts, it’s that it angers me

You get to live like nothing happened

While I live with the demons you left behind

[gingeralethots]

CPTSD rant below>>

It's honestly so absolutely fucking messed up how messed up I still am. How triggered I get and that breakdowns still happen.

I take meds to be okay; sometimes they work, but sometimes they don't.

I avoid being seen or perceived. Constantly in fear I'm being watched or judged.

I know how calculated our relationship was. I know you calculated every move. I know you knew before I knew what would happen to us.

I see the permanent damage you did to me. It's not always obvious, but it's there.

Underneath the new experiences and memories, the happiness and joy of being and loving myself is a broken mirror taped together.

The pieces are all there; the puzzle of repair is complete. The tape has faded and taking it off isn't feasible anymore.

As seasons and environments change, something seeps underneath the tape.

Separation is imminent as the tape begins to loosen, and before I'd let it happen.

Now I just put another piece of tape over it. Much like when a bandage is soaked through with blood.

It's not often, but it does happen.

I still avoid, I still hesitate, I overthink and over analyze

I crave constant certainty and reassurance

I'd give anything to not be this way. To not have panic attacks. To not be triggered by a single word, place, or action.

But, the mirror is me, broken pieces and neverending amounts of tape

[pimocurious]

[gingeralethots]

It's the story I tell myself. But what if it isn't the real story?

What if the real story is that much more sinister. That much more traumatic.

The memories I keep hidden are starting to spill out and I'm not okay.

[gingeralethots]

scars fade and bruises yellow

my body can heal but my brain can’t

[gingeralethots]

how do I explain the sadness that comes when the marks begin to fade

[gingeralethots]

But what if she’s not?

I know, I know

Assume the worst and expect disappointment

Stay guarded and don’t share too much

Trust is earned not given

Make them work to hear your story

And yet

I do it again

Is it my softness or my trauma?

Or is it just naïveté

I know cruelty and evil exist, I do

And yet

I assume the best

Giving the benefit of the doubt

Another hopeful exception turned to the rule

The signs were there and I knew

I forget the evil I know

Jumping in feet first and assuming the best because I forget

I forget

[gingeralethots]

stuck somewhere in the middle

wanting to be seen while wanting to hide

pulling hems and covering with blankets

extra layers prevent the slips

the faces and words i know too well

“youre looking for attention”

“you don’t understand how much youre loved”

“if you only loved yourself more”

“you disgust me”

confusion and anger lingers in eyes

silent movements they make

closer or farther

don’t comfort me pls

if they slip pretend to not see

ill be okay, i always am

[gingeralethots]

the stinging of new pieces grounds me to current time

[gingeralethots]

im doing my best. 

focus on the happy, it’s okay they say.

write about what excites you, change your mind

im trying, im doing my best

the meds are wearing and the sun is low

holidays adorned with loneliness and reality 

the familiar urge resurfaces

it tells me im dramatic, it’s not that bad

reminds me it will never leave

coaxes with promises of relief

the only way to feel the dark

its about to overflow

cut the bag and let it out

blood and tears mixing

how else do i make it 

[gingeralethots]

I’m getting ready to do one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done in my life and like wtf has gotten in to me

[gingeralethots]

question for you holland is your “weeping” supposed to matter to me?

you’re the one who called for the musket fire js

[gingeralethots]

i guess yet another temple is getting built near my parents, even tho they haven’t even announced WHERE exactly the one announced in April is gonna be built

my parents look and sound so happy and proud to tell me the news. and im just like? this? THIS is a valid use of funds how?