WE’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE (EP 1.) - TELL HEELYS INC. TO STOP RELYING ON FOSSIL FUELS TO POWER THEIR SHOES
We’ve Had It Up To Here
In the inaugural episode of this awesome and cool new radio show, hosts Jamie and Alex describe their impressive resume's and then dig into Heelys Inc. for producing shoes that rely on fossil fuels to be powered. They explain why this is so problematic and what we can do to enact REAL CHANGE.
I WENT UNDERCOVER AT A FRAT PARTY TO SCORE SOME FREE SODA
Alex Brauser
Before I share my story with you, I want to state publicly that I do not condone that act of stealing. I do, however, understand that there are certain circumstances that could push someone to the point of desperation.
Also, before I go any further with my story there’s one crucial detail you need to know about me: I’m very addicted to soda and other soda products. Every day I wake up to a cup of coffee and an even larger cup of soda. The cashier at my corner store calls me “Soda,” a hilarious riff on the character “Yoda” from the Star Wars franchise. It’s gotten to the point where I will usually drink soda with a meal or when I get thirsty. It’s that bad. Try not to forget this piece of information as you continue with my story. It will play a significant role later.
Cool, now that I got that out of the way I can share my tale with you...
You often hear about the “broke college kid” always strapped for cash. When my story began, I was quite the opposite. I had a steady two-day-a-week internship at Spike TV where I was gaining valuable experience in the world of edgy unscripted television and getting paid a decent wage in American dollars. You could say I was “chillin phat” (a term I was saying on the reg at this time).
And just like that, when everything seemed to be going my way, the financial crash of 2008 snuck up and hit me right on top of the head. And what I mean by that is that a movie about the financial crash of 2008 snuck up on me and hit me right on top of the head. I don’t know if you have seen the film The Big Short, but I have. I saw The Big Short 172 times. There’s just something about this movie that got me hooked. Be it the phenomenal acting (Carell and Gosling were stellar) or the hilarious way they explain confusing Wall Street concepts with *spoiler alert* unexpected celebrity cameos, something about The Big Short had me returning to the theater day after day to spend my money. At each of those 172 showings, I spent a lot of my money. All of my money, actually. Which brings us to the part of the story where I found myself in possession of zero American dollars.
This reality was extremely problematic. I knew that making rent each month would be tough, and I would probably end up going hungry. Those things did not matter to me. How would I be able to fund my soda addiction? I had to come up with a solution. I had to do what made sense. I had to go undercover at a frat party in the hope of scoring some free soda.
And I did just that.
The night of #OperationGetTheSoda (check the Insta hashtag for pics btw), I borrowed a backwards hat and a pair of pants from a trusted acquaintance and headed to the most popular fraternity at my college.
Little did I know, the most popular fraternity was mixing with the most popular sorority that night. This would be harder than I thought. I quickly managed to get through the front door as I slowly spun my backwards hat forward, obstructing my facial features, thus granting myself anonymity. I was now a member of the most popular fraternity on campus.
As I approached the dance floor, the EDM music was blaring and started to hurt my left ear. The music stung so hard that I almost considered bailing on the entire operation. However, after a few minutes of search-dancing (a move I invented to blend in), I finally located the secret stash of soda. It was behind that damn bar.
I grabbed as much soda as I could carry, which ended up being two 2-liter bottles (one for each of my hands). I didn’t bother looking at the flavors; I was too afraid I could be exposed at any minute. I had to get out of there ASAP. Just as I was reaching for the exit, a member of the most popular fraternity stopped me. At this moment, I saw my whole plan crumble in front of my eyes. I began to hand over the bottles to him. It was over for me.
“Enjoy the soda,” he said as he opened the door for me. I was in pure disbelief. Nervously walking away from the house, I heard a call from the distance. “And thanks for visiting our fraternity house!”
I skipped as fast as I could all the way home. Somehow #OperationGetTheSoda ended with two beautiful, smooth, round bottles of soda in my possession. I made my way to the street corner where my tent was setup (I don’t have money to pay rent) and finally got to look at the flavors the fraternity provided me with. Cherry Coke and Orange Soda! Heck yeah! I was on cloud nine. My addiction was curbed for the next nine hours.
Luckily for me, there are A LOT of fraternities on campus. Since my first heist, I have mastered the art of sneaking into fraternity parties to score free soda. All the frats on campus are aware of my presence, yet my true identity remains a secret. I am your humble friend, I am your classmate in the back of the lecture hall, I am your mysterious group project member. I am...just a really weird guy who goes undercover at fraternity parties to get free soda.
And to all my fellow soda addicts out there trying to get by on a budget, I have a treat for you. In the same vein that The Big Short explained difficult Wall Street concepts, I brought in good pal and acclaimed chef Papa John to break down how I pull off my soda heists so you can try it at home. Take it away Papa…
Papa John:
“Hey guys, Papa John here. So basically, you’re going to want to find a good disguise and put it on. After that, sneak inside a fraternity party and find where they keep the soda. Grab as much soda as you can and get the hell out of there. Also, don’t forget you can get 25% off your next Papa John’s order with the promotion code: “THEFT.” Reminder: If you do get caught stealing soda you CANNOT tell them Papa John sent you. Papa John is not liable if you get caught. Do not get caught.”
Ah… Beach House and Fantasy Football, a natural combination.
In honor of our favorite band Beach House’s release of not one, but TWO albums this year, and our favorite sport, Fantasy Football, we decided to create a Fantasy Football Box Score of the two albums matched up against each other.
Because the world needed this!
~ML, JB, & AB
QB Matchup: Levitation vs. Majorette (ML)
Levitation resembles the classic big air quarterback type (think Peyton Manning) and certainly rises to the occasion this Sunday, tossing a few touchdowns along with 350 yards in the air. But with a 5:54 song duration, this quarterback/song might try to do too much. Its slow chanting of the lyrics “There’s a place I want to take you…” of course translates to somewhat forced leadership and passing game (see: franchise record 52 pass attempts). It’s a promising start to Depression Cherry nonetheless.
Majorette could be considered the face of the new era of quarterbacks in the NFL (think Russell Wilson). Able to both pass and run, the quarterback/song finishes the day with 4 total touchdowns as well as 90 yards on the ground. A natural leader, this song simply feels more comfortable with itself than Levitation, as its affecting warmth and charisma connect immediately with the listener, like a hand reaching out to pick a teammate up after a tackle. Majorette ultimately wins this matchup because I think its last lyrics “Watch it spin like that…” definitely allude to this quarterback’s super sweet touchdown dance.
Winner: Majorette
RB1 Matchup: Sparks vs. She’s So Lovely (ML)
The power of Sparks is obvious upon the first snap, when edgy guitar and discomforting organ hit our ears with the force of a large, physical back (think Adrian Peterson). This is a running back/song that refuses to dance around the defense, preferring to create its own gaps in the line, and rushing for two short goal line touchdowns. For long time Beach House fans, Sparks feels uniquely important to Depression Cherry, introducing a new sound that also brings their classic love song lyrics much more gravitas, especially with a line like “Hallucination comes; think of everyone; who never shared before; from my mouth to yours.”
On Thank Your Lucky Stars, She’s So Lovely takes a different approach, resembling a smaller, speedier back (think Darren Sproles) who likes to get to the outside and fly up the sidelines for long touchdown runs. This song is pure finesse, just barely staying in bounds as the lyrics reflect on the pain of being replaced by a lover. Don’t underestimate the coolness factor here either, as this one does in fact include the line “leather white umbrella sinner.”
Winner: Sparks
RB 2 Matchup: Space Song vs. All Your Yeahs (JB)
Imagine you go to see the new Star Wars movie with your family on Christmas day and then, just as it seems the movie is about to start, they blast this song on a loop for two hours set to visuals made up of MacBook pre-installed screensavers. You and your family finally leave the mall Regal Cinema in stunned silence, look up at the heavens from the top level of the parking structure, and, for the first time, fully comprehend just how big the universe is. You and your family break down crying and stay there, for hours, embracing each other. This song is so good. #winning #football
All Your Yeahs is a perfectly fine Beach House song. Beach House made another good song. Sure, why not. I’ll listen to this Beach House song on a plane or wherever. I don’t really understand why artists like Wes Anderson, who have a specific style, get called out for continuing to make art in their style. I’m grateful that Beach House continues to make Beach House songs like All Your Yeahs. This isn’t really a fair matchup. Space Song is the beating heart at the center of Depression Cherry. It’s the album’s centerpiece and, in many ways, feels like the song that Beach House has been working towards their entire career.
Winner: Space Song
RB/WR Matchup: Beyond Love vs. One Thing (AB)
Here’s your classic matchup between two songs that when listened to while walking to class, make you feel like you’re floating 6 inches above the ground. Beyond Love is a beautiful slow burning ballad. It takes over a minute of buildup before we hear Victoria’s voice but it makes the song so much better as I get to listen to her personally sing to me right into my ears, and not to anybody else. The song’s title really makes me think: what is beyond love? Could that feeling be the game winning touchdown drive with 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter? Could it simply be winning the coin toss before kick off? Could it be eating orange-peel slices at halftime? I’ll never know…I’ve never really connected with anyone like that before. Good song.
There’s one thing I really like about the song One Thing and that one thing is the whole song. I really like this song. This song is like the Miami Dolphins of football (that’s a good thing, I’m from there). There are three things I like in my music and it’s guitars, guitars, and really loud guitars. I like this song because it has all of my favorite elements of music and some bonus things such as singing. When Victoria drags out the word “hallelujah” halfway through, that’s, well, that’s the good stuff. When listening to this song I imagine myself riding slow motion on a Harley Davidson chopper riding through the California desert. When the guitar solo comes in at the end? That’s when I hit a mega-ramp and easily clear a large gorge. Great song.
Winner: One Thing
WR 1 Matchup: 10:37 vs. Common Girl (AB)
Ah, here is your classic matchup of another two songs by the band Beach House. 10:37 is a really beautiful song that heavily relies on Victoria’s vocals and melodies throughout. This song reminds me of famed athlete Tim Tebow in a way. Whenever I see Tebow play football or read about him trying to play football again, I feel comfortable and at ease. Listen to this song with good headphones (please not Beats by Dre™ though, those headphones are actually crap and make you think they’re cool through celebrity endorsements) and you too will feel at ease. 10:37 or 1,037 is the amount of times you should listen to this song!
I’m gonna be honest with you guys and let you know that I’m not really feelin’ Common Girl. It’s okay I guess, but to me, it’s sort of like the New York Jets of songs. I’m gonna be honest with you guys and let you know that I’m not really feelin’ the New York Jets either! There’s not much for Alex to do with his guitar here and Victoria’s voice is a bit deeper than usual. Nah. Not for me. If this song was a quarterback, I would sack it!
Winner: 10:37
WR 2 Matchup: PPP vs. The Traveller (AB)
Here is a matchup between two songs that are really good songs. PPP is my favorite song off Depression Cherry and after countless listens still gives me chills during the 2 ½ minute (!) guitar solo that closes it out. Victoria’s vocals almost take the shape of an infinity sign as she sonically paints a picture of true beauty for your ears. The guitar on this song perfectly complements her voice and even though I mentioned it before, the sliding guitars during the solo are friggin’ cash money. If I had to put this song in football terms I would say it is a touchdown!....Oh shit, what are they doing? Are they going for two?! They’re going for two! THE TWO POINT CONVERSION IS GOOD!!!! That’s what this song would be like, if this was football.
The Traveller is a great song. Certainly one of the best off the new album. After a short 7 second buildup this song hits you right in the face just as Clay Matthews would do, if you were on the opposing team and were holding the football during gameplay. Victoria and Alex come together in this song perfectly, each showcasing their unique talents. Victoria hits the high notes high and Alex’s guitar stays dreamy (as usual) throughout. I find myself constantly bobbing my head during this song; it makes me feel like a gangster. This is not an easy matchup whatsoever but the sheer power of that guitar solo let’s PPP run away with it, and the football I guess.
Winner: PPP
TE Matchup: Wildflower vs. Elegy to the Void (JB)
Victoria & Alex = Jerry & Elaine, right? Omg totes totes. Two brunettes who share a beautiful friendship and created their own little world with it’s own language and style. Like Jerry & Elaine, Beach House is able to find beauty in the unrelenting horror that is nothingness. The void. This song is big and devastating. It’s the best song on the record and easily wins this matchup.
Wildflower is the shortest song on Depression Cherry while Elegy to the Void is the longest on Thank Your Lucky Stars. This fact literally doesn’t matter at all, it’s just something I noticed. Tbh I always skip this song to get to Bluebird because Wildflower is kind of boring and somewhat monotonous. Is that good criticism? I’m so dumb, I’m in no position to say that. Is it actually monotonous? I really don’t know why I said that. I guess I just didn’t really vibe with this song…
Winner: Elegy to the Void
D/ST Matchup: Bluebird vs. Rough Song (JB)
I’ve had this experience multiple times with Beach House where the first couple times I listen to a song, I can’t fully make out what exactly the lyrics are but, slowly, it crystallizes. I find it to be an oddly rewarding listening experience. To hear the word, the message. To hear it take shape and then let it cut right through me is euphoric. Around the fourth time I listened to this song, I realized that Victoria was saying, “I want to forget/all that wasn’t right.” So sad, so true. Good song. If I was a judge on The Voice and heard this song, I’d turn that chair around so fast I’d get whiplash!
I was backing up my phone recently and I saw this note I wrote like 3 years ago and it just said: “the feeling of walking around your high school on a hot night towards the end of summer.” I was struck by how quickly I was able to recall this very abstract sense of dread. So many Beach House songs have the ability to drop me in a memory. Or, rather, the feeling of that memory and the amount of time that has passed since that memory. Bluebird is the song on Depression Cherry that does that for me. It’s no surprise that Beach House is really good at doing that.
Winner: None, it’s a draw. Both make this writer feel emotions!
K Matchup: Days of Candy vs. Somewhere Tonight (ML)
Days of Candy acts like a once-dominant, Super Bowl winning kicker (think Adam Vinateri) with its grandiose, choral, almost religious sound, as if it came right off Beach House’s last album Bloom. But, here’s the kicker- it’s been a little while since Bloom was released. So, on this Sunday, Days of Candy misses the game winning 32 yard field goal. And then goes home and re-watches it over and over again on ESPN, listening to commentators discuss fading relevancy. We’ll never know if the character Max Fischer, from Wes Anderson’s 1998 film Rushmore, would care about the NFL or Beach House. But we know what he would have said- Sic Transit Gloria. Glory fades.
Somewhere Tonight sounds incredible and here’s another kicker, it also sounds incredibly, incredibly sad. Like a kicker who rarely ever misses a field goal attempt, but plays for a losing team, and might have a drinking problem (think Sebastian Janikowski). This kicker has never felt the glory of a Super Bowl victory, which absolutely eats him up inside. A victory similar to the critical celebration that somewhat eludes Somewhere Tonight, and all of the Thank Your Lucky Stars album, an unfair result of the closeness in release dates with Depression Cherry.
Well here’s the last kicker- Beach House doesn’t give a fuck. Somewhere Tonight just keeps kicking and rocking, back and forth, with sounds that are reminiscent of a slow dance between two melancholic teenagers at a 1950’s prom. Sadness is a Beach House speciality alright, but this album-closer takes it to the next level. It is an overwhelmingly beautiful, nostalgia for a time, or memory, that hasn’t even happened yet- and perhaps never will.
I LET MY MUSTACHE GROW OUT FOR A MONTH. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WILL PISS YOU OFF.
Alex Brauser
It has been over three years since I have completed puberty.
This is not something that I try to hide from you guys - I’m actually pretty open about it on the internet. Sure I could finish the highly anticipated 4th installment of the “Alex’s Do’s and Dont’s of Puberty” series, but I want to change things up a little bit. Today I will shed some light on one of the most important consequences of puberty.
The concept of the mustache is not a new one. In fact, the mustache first appeared when homo sapiens (humans) evolved the face many years ago. Too many powerful men throughout history that I look up to have donned the mustache including my old music theory teacher, so earlier this month I decided to put the razor down to see what would happen to my upper lip.
Warning: what happened next might piss you off.
Week One: An Unexpected Journey
“If your old music theory teacher can do it, then you can also do it (grow a mustache).”
-Me
I found myself repeating these 19 simple words to myself throughout that entire first week of hair growth. And boy did I have some hair growth. That first week I learned that if you are a male and have gone through puberty (as I have done over three years ago), hair on your upper lip will begin to grow and grow longer if you cease to shave it. It was then that I realized what I would be going up against this month....
Week Two: A New Hope
“That’s a pretty uhh interesting mustache, pal.”
-My old music theory teacher
Whatever. Sticks and stones Mr. Reynolds. Keep teaching people about music theory.
It was week two and I was just beginning to hit my stride. During this week, if you and I were on opposite sides of the same room you would definitely be able to make out that I was growing a mustache underneath certain lighting. This was such a major breakthrough for me. Here I was, just a kid from South Florida growing his own mustache! What business did I have growing my own mustache? I could really get used to this feeling...
Little did I know that I was about to do something that was really going to piss you off.
Week Three: Growth
“Growth is the only evidence of life.”
-John Henry Newman
During this week the hairs on my upper lip continued to grow because I did not shave them.
Week Four: This is Going to Piss You Off
“Fine, we’ll pay you $15 to write your fucking article.”
-Anonymous
One month. I grew out my mustache for one whole month. Sometimes I wonder how long it took my old music theory teacher to grow out his mustache but then I realize that I didn’t learn a thing that semester. I vaguely remember something about the pentatonic scale but that’s about it.
But here I was after a month of hair growth with a full blown mustache. It was thicker than a piece of yarn and had the feel of a Jack Russell Terrier’s tail. I felt like I was on top of the world.
And now the part that will surely piss you off. You see, living as a freelance writer is actually a pretty lucrative gig. Before my journey I approached the editors at Also Magazine with a proposition: I’ll grow out my mustache for a whole month and write about my experience for your site if you pay me $15 in cash. They didn’t take the deal at first. Of course they didn’t. But I was persistent. I was persistent as the hairs on my upper lip. The hairs that, after one month, banded together to form my very own mustache. I guess the editors at Also finally saw my true potential as a gonzo journalist or maybe they just wanted the threats to stop. Either way I got my $15 in cash.
So there you have it. I was paid $15 to grow a mustache and write about it. I’m sure you’re feeling super pissed off at me right now but remember, not everyone has gone through puberty yet and not everyone is a journalist like me.
Just wanna give a big thanks to the folks at Also for giving me a shot as a journalist and publishing me on their website. It’s always been a lifelong dream of mine to practice journalism and get published on a website like The Daily Dot or Elite Daily or the lifestyle section of The Daily Dot, but lately I have noticed a major shift in the things I believe are important. I recently learned in a media studies class in college that a lot of news media sites we read are actually owned by large corporations who set an “agenda” or choose what they think is important to share with the public. By deciding what we read they more or less control what we as a society know about and use that to their advantage to advance their own corporate strategy.
This is all clearly explained in this Wikipedia article:
wikipedia.org/wiki/Agenda-setting_theory
Well anyways, I decided that I want no part of this news media mind-control and I am completely fine with not getting the job at The Daily Dot even though I practiced my elevator pitch for basically 24 hours straight. What is important is that I got valuable experience in an interview setting I guess.
Please enjoy this human interest piece about one man’s Instagram breakfast blog.
ALEX BRAUSER IS A JOURNALIST AND INTERVIEWS ZACH DUNN
Alex Brauser, Journalist
Alex sits down with good friend Zach Dunn and they discuss all the projects he currently has in the works. Zach is a good sport when he gets grilled with the hard questions, but hey, Alex isn’t going to ease off. This is not a puff piece.
