HOW I BECAME MY BEST FRIEND’S POSTMATE (IN LOS ANGELES, CA)
Max LoParco
It started with almond butter in Atwater (in Los Angeles, CA).
Well, I guess it really started with Thai Curry.
As I perused the sauce aisle of the Trader Joe’s, I wondered which Thai Curry to buy.
It just so happens I have a bud (for the sake of this piece, let’s call him Jason Wawler), who knows quite a bit about cooking curry.
So, I snapped a picture of the Thai Curry I wanted and messaged it to him.
He confirmed this was indeed the right curry to purchase.
But then came another message.
Hey could you do me a huge favor and buy me a tub of Almond Butter? It’s like the only reason I need to go grocery shopping and I will be so grateful/pay you back. Plus a Postmates fee haha.
Haha fine.
I found the Almond Butter, which cost $8.
When I delivered it to Jason Wawler, he paid me.
$8 for the product, plus a $2 delivery charge.
“Just like Postmates,” we laughed.
A few days later, I sat on Jason Wawler’s couch (in Los Angeles, CA).
We were watching an old Batman cartoon on Amazon Prime.
Suddenly, I felt the urge to pee.
I paused it right before Batman grapple hooked on to a rooftop.
Then went to the bathroom.
When I returned to the couch, Jason handed me my phone.
It must have fallen between the cushions earlier.
That’s when he smiled. That’s when he said it.
“I downloaded the app ‘Find My Friends,’ on your phone, so now I can always know where my buddy’s at!”
I pressed resume and Batman scaled the building.
Something about Jason Wawler’s smile told me there was something more happening here.
We were becoming more than buds.
Another few days later, I walked around Grand Central Market (in Los Angeles, CA).
Once seated at the bar of G & B’s Coffee, I nursed an Iced Almond Latte and munched on a Belgian waffle with ricotta and jam.
The caffeine buzzed, the sugar buzzed, my heart buzzed.
So did my phone.
A message from Jason Wawler.
How’s Grand Central Market, buddy? Haha, I saw ya on the ’Find My Friends’ map!
Uh it’s good…haha.
Hey I’m craving Chinese and pretty exhausted today, could you perhaps bring back some General Tsao’s chicken?
What?
I would be super, super thankful and could pay you back! Plus a little extra Postmates fee again? Haha…
Haha fine.
Was I trying to make money off my friend?
No. There was no thought process behind it, just one simple word.
A new philosophy.
Deliver.
A couple weeks after, I sat at a red light on 23rd and Hoover (in Los Angeles, CA).
Long red light, huh.
I glanced up at a billboard, advertising for Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show.”
It had been there for months.
Then, the light changed to green but I was slow to hit the gas.
What was I waiting for? What did I need?
A buzz. A text from him.
Hey dude! So…Nature’s Brew? Could really go for an everything bagel with cream cheese.
Another text from him.
Large coffee too. I’m swamped today- writing a paper!
I felt Trevor Noah grinning down at me.
In that moment, something snapped.
K. I’ll be there in 10.
I abruptly turned left instead of going straight.
Cars behind me had been honking.
I didn’t care.
The bagel was taking forever, so I approached the counter.
I demanded that the barista bring it out. ASAP.
“I have a delivery! He’s waiting on me! Don’t you get it?!”
I looked down at my right hand, which was now clenched.
My face was beat red with a passionate rage.
The scared barista handed me the bagel.
“Y-you’re from Postmates?”
I grabbed the package and stepped closer to her, now inches away from her face.
“I’m His Postmate.”
A month later, I drove around the Arts District (in Los Angeles, CA).
Umami. Truffle Burger, no onions. Applying to law school, it’s a big day for me! Thanks, bud.
Sure thing. LOL.
No response back. he usually “LOL’d” right back to me.
After Jason paid, there was a lingering pause.
I looked over at his television.
“Oh, Band of Brothers? Dope.”
“Yeah, dude. I’m marathoning.”
The thought occurred to me- what about law school?
I fought the urge to ask about this, opting to take a seat on his couch instead.
It had been a while since we really chilled, you know?
As buds.
“Binging is like my favorite thing to do on the weekends,” I say.
I immediately regret it and hope he didn’t think I sounded dumb.
“Hey, kind of need to get back to, you know, law school stuff.”
“Oh right. My bad. Good luck, bud!”
I smiled.
But he didn’t even look at me.
When I got back in my car, I realized he didn’t leave a tip this time.
He must have forgot.
Koreatown (Los Angeles, CA).
Ramen, thanks!
Yes sir. Spicy or not?
You should know that.
I did know that. I just wanted to hear His voice, just a little bit longer.
Spicy.
Echo Park (Los Angeles, CA).
Deep dish pizza, please.
Sausage and onion, boss?
Duh. I’m drunk. Please hurry.
We used to get drunk together all the time.
When I knocked at the door, there was no answer. He must have passed out.
I left the pizza at His doorstep and refunded His payment.
As I walked away, I heard a girl moaning, coming from inside His apartment.
Something like, “Oh, Jason! Give it to me harder, Jason!”
Was she his new bud?
One year later. It ended with fucking Spago in Beverly Hills (in Los Angeles, CA).
I’m near Spago. Thought you might have noticed. Would you like anything?
He always noticed when I was near Spago.
But, no response.
Two minutes passed.
Sir? It’s me.
I pulled over to the side of Canon Drive, to wait.
Fifteen minutes passed.
Forty minutes passed.
Forty-one minutes passed.
Then suddenly, a buzz.
My phone!
Who number dis?
Jason? This is your Postmate!
This ain’t Jason- you got the wrong number bro.
Where is Jason?! Jason Wawler?!
Chill, bro. Wrong number.
Spago! For Jason! $11.99 delivery fee!
I don’t know you but damn! That delivery fee is wack.
It’s extra because it’s fucking Spago!
Did He change His phone number without informing me?
Crack.
My phone screen shattered.
My thumbs pressed down hard on the broken glass.
Covered in blood.
Then, there was thunder.
Rain fell through my open sunroof.
I always left my sunroof open in Beverly Hills.
But now, I was drenched.
Water streamed down my face.
It slid over my cheeks.
It touched my lips.
I tasted it.
Salty.
There must have been tears too.
I was His Postmate.
But first, I was Jason Wawler’s bud.
THE GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS: BEHIND THE THREE POINT LINE AND IN FRONT OF OUR HEARTS -- WHY THE BEST DANG TEAM IN THE NBA IS WINNING LIKE ALL THE TIME WITHOUT EVER REALLY LOSING THAT MUCH
Max LoParco
Wow, what a season for the Golden State Warriors. At least it sure seems like it. When they shoot the three point shot all the way from downtown, Steph Curry. Not only can I not believe that ball went right through the net - it also swished it. That’s precisely the reason they win games. Hard work. This is the new NBA, so you better get used to it Charles Barkley because the Golden State Warriors will win the championship again this year.
I know, I know, what about Mr. Cleveland himself, LeBron? Well that guy may have to hand over his NBA titles to Steph. “But the crown can be heavy, c’aint it?” Being called a king has its perks I am sure, but a king must must do what’s good for his people. Steph Curry represents the city of Oakland, CA and also San Francisco, CA (an area I refer to as “The Bay”). It’s not all on him though. He can pass the rock to fellow Wet Brother Klay Thompson who can make the three ball whenever he gets open, granted his feet are behind the line of course. Good thing, because every point is crucial. 100, 110, 120, 130, these are the amount of points this team can score on any given night. The 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls record is at stake, and Draymond Green is hungry to beat it. Fiercely competitive and they are playing small ball with him in the lineup. Other teams may try to copy this, but they are not the Golden State Warriors and they don’t have as many wins. Simple as that.
Let’s break down a single play of this offense and all of its beauty. In the Feb. 27 game against the Oklahoma City Thunder, with the possibility of winning the game on the line and only a few seconds left in overtime, a mic’d up Klay whispers to Steph, “Chef Curry if you want to serve us up another tasty little win you better get your ass over there to behind the three point line, but pass to me or Draymond Green if you are guarded too closely, please.” From the sideline, assistant coach Luke Walton waves at Steph and cheers, “Hey MVP!” Steph blushes. So, here we go. Steph dribbles - something he practices before every game. Fundamentals. Then, once he makes sure his feet are behind the line, within range of scoring three points, not two, he squares his body up to the basket. He bends his knees slightly, and then brings the ball up from his waist. He releases the ball at the right moment, and then proceeds to seize that very same moment. Nothing but net. The victory is clinched. Steph Curry has perfect form when it comes to shooting. Oh I wonder why? Maybe because the Golden State Warriors are having the perfect season, but head coach Steve Kerr knows it isn’t over. They still have to win a bunch of games in the playoffs.
Andrew Bogut, Draymond Green, Harrison Barnes, Klay Thompson, Steph Curry, Andre Iguodala, Marreese Speights, Shaun Livingston, Brandon Rush, Festus Ezeli, well that’s about it. Each player, each individual, comes together and now you can call it a real team. They even laugh together on plane flights to away games! And hell, I’ll admit that I love it. It’s an absolute pleasure to watch the Golden State Warriors win an NBA game after a long day of sitting at my desk in the Also Magazine office.
The other day, I’m minding my own business walking down the sidewalk, and out of nowhere, here comes this little girl wearing a Warriors jersey. Naturally, I went right up to her and demanded she tell me why she was a fan of the Warriors. You know what she said? “They’re just having fun out there mister.” Play-by-play commentator Jeff Van Gundy was right all along, this is a team that people should consider the best team in the NBA. But his friend Mark Jackson…can the Internet just take it easy on Mark Jackson, please?
Marc Jackson used to coach the Warriors but he doesn’t anymore. Since he left, they won a championship and now they could very well indeed win another. The 2015-2016 NBA season has been going on for months now. I mean, we all remember the streak don’t we? The Warriors did something other NBA teams really haven’t been able to do. Win a lot of games in a row. 28 of them, in fact. Without a loss in between any of them, mind you.
Recently in ESPN news, the Warriors landed center Anderson Varejao, the traitor from the Cleveland Cavaliers. Varejao said goodbye to LeBron and decided he would betray the oath they made about never leaving Cleveland. Ironic because from what I remember, it wasn’t Varejao that went on to play the small forward position for the Miami Heat. Yes, we all remember “The Decision.” Especially Steph Curry.
You see, that very same night, Curry made his own decision- to give it everything he had. To devote himself to the game of basketball, whilst becoming the best player in all of basketball. I’ll say it ten times - it didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of time for Steph Curry to get better at basketball.
At this point, I know what you’re thinking - all that practice? Did it really pay off? Well, I’ll let the Warriors phenomenal win-loss record this season do the talking. All this winning seems like it’s really good for Steph and the Warriors. Maybe it’s even good for the NBA? We shall see. For right now, it’s number 30’s world and we’re just living in it. He’s also a good husband and father and enjoys singing along to the Disney movie, “Frozen.” Congrats to Steph Curry for becoming the first player in NBA history to make 300 threes in a season! I guess two points just wasn’t enough for this guy. The Golden State Warriors aren’t complaining, right?
Ah… Beach House and Fantasy Football, a natural combination.
In honor of our favorite band Beach House’s release of not one, but TWO albums this year, and our favorite sport, Fantasy Football, we decided to create a Fantasy Football Box Score of the two albums matched up against each other.
Because the world needed this!
~ML, JB, & AB
QB Matchup: Levitation vs. Majorette (ML)
Levitation resembles the classic big air quarterback type (think Peyton Manning) and certainly rises to the occasion this Sunday, tossing a few touchdowns along with 350 yards in the air. But with a 5:54 song duration, this quarterback/song might try to do too much. Its slow chanting of the lyrics “There’s a place I want to take you…” of course translates to somewhat forced leadership and passing game (see: franchise record 52 pass attempts). It’s a promising start to Depression Cherry nonetheless.
Majorette could be considered the face of the new era of quarterbacks in the NFL (think Russell Wilson). Able to both pass and run, the quarterback/song finishes the day with 4 total touchdowns as well as 90 yards on the ground. A natural leader, this song simply feels more comfortable with itself than Levitation, as its affecting warmth and charisma connect immediately with the listener, like a hand reaching out to pick a teammate up after a tackle. Majorette ultimately wins this matchup because I think its last lyrics “Watch it spin like that…” definitely allude to this quarterback’s super sweet touchdown dance.
Winner: Majorette
RB1 Matchup: Sparks vs. She’s So Lovely (ML)
The power of Sparks is obvious upon the first snap, when edgy guitar and discomforting organ hit our ears with the force of a large, physical back (think Adrian Peterson). This is a running back/song that refuses to dance around the defense, preferring to create its own gaps in the line, and rushing for two short goal line touchdowns. For long time Beach House fans, Sparks feels uniquely important to Depression Cherry, introducing a new sound that also brings their classic love song lyrics much more gravitas, especially with a line like “Hallucination comes; think of everyone; who never shared before; from my mouth to yours.”
On Thank Your Lucky Stars, She’s So Lovely takes a different approach, resembling a smaller, speedier back (think Darren Sproles) who likes to get to the outside and fly up the sidelines for long touchdown runs. This song is pure finesse, just barely staying in bounds as the lyrics reflect on the pain of being replaced by a lover. Don’t underestimate the coolness factor here either, as this one does in fact include the line “leather white umbrella sinner.”
Winner: Sparks
RB 2 Matchup: Space Song vs. All Your Yeahs (JB)
Imagine you go to see the new Star Wars movie with your family on Christmas day and then, just as it seems the movie is about to start, they blast this song on a loop for two hours set to visuals made up of MacBook pre-installed screensavers. You and your family finally leave the mall Regal Cinema in stunned silence, look up at the heavens from the top level of the parking structure, and, for the first time, fully comprehend just how big the universe is. You and your family break down crying and stay there, for hours, embracing each other. This song is so good. #winning #football
All Your Yeahs is a perfectly fine Beach House song. Beach House made another good song. Sure, why not. I’ll listen to this Beach House song on a plane or wherever. I don’t really understand why artists like Wes Anderson, who have a specific style, get called out for continuing to make art in their style. I’m grateful that Beach House continues to make Beach House songs like All Your Yeahs. This isn’t really a fair matchup. Space Song is the beating heart at the center of Depression Cherry. It’s the album’s centerpiece and, in many ways, feels like the song that Beach House has been working towards their entire career.
Winner: Space Song
RB/WR Matchup: Beyond Love vs. One Thing (AB)
Here’s your classic matchup between two songs that when listened to while walking to class, make you feel like you’re floating 6 inches above the ground. Beyond Love is a beautiful slow burning ballad. It takes over a minute of buildup before we hear Victoria’s voice but it makes the song so much better as I get to listen to her personally sing to me right into my ears, and not to anybody else. The song’s title really makes me think: what is beyond love? Could that feeling be the game winning touchdown drive with 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter? Could it simply be winning the coin toss before kick off? Could it be eating orange-peel slices at halftime? I’ll never know…I’ve never really connected with anyone like that before. Good song.
There’s one thing I really like about the song One Thing and that one thing is the whole song. I really like this song. This song is like the Miami Dolphins of football (that’s a good thing, I’m from there). There are three things I like in my music and it’s guitars, guitars, and really loud guitars. I like this song because it has all of my favorite elements of music and some bonus things such as singing. When Victoria drags out the word “hallelujah” halfway through, that’s, well, that’s the good stuff. When listening to this song I imagine myself riding slow motion on a Harley Davidson chopper riding through the California desert. When the guitar solo comes in at the end? That’s when I hit a mega-ramp and easily clear a large gorge. Great song.
Winner: One Thing
WR 1 Matchup: 10:37 vs. Common Girl (AB)
Ah, here is your classic matchup of another two songs by the band Beach House. 10:37 is a really beautiful song that heavily relies on Victoria’s vocals and melodies throughout. This song reminds me of famed athlete Tim Tebow in a way. Whenever I see Tebow play football or read about him trying to play football again, I feel comfortable and at ease. Listen to this song with good headphones (please not Beats by Dre™ though, those headphones are actually crap and make you think they’re cool through celebrity endorsements) and you too will feel at ease. 10:37 or 1,037 is the amount of times you should listen to this song!
I’m gonna be honest with you guys and let you know that I’m not really feelin’ Common Girl. It’s okay I guess, but to me, it’s sort of like the New York Jets of songs. I’m gonna be honest with you guys and let you know that I’m not really feelin’ the New York Jets either! There’s not much for Alex to do with his guitar here and Victoria’s voice is a bit deeper than usual. Nah. Not for me. If this song was a quarterback, I would sack it!
Winner: 10:37
WR 2 Matchup: PPP vs. The Traveller (AB)
Here is a matchup between two songs that are really good songs. PPP is my favorite song off Depression Cherry and after countless listens still gives me chills during the 2 ½ minute (!) guitar solo that closes it out. Victoria’s vocals almost take the shape of an infinity sign as she sonically paints a picture of true beauty for your ears. The guitar on this song perfectly complements her voice and even though I mentioned it before, the sliding guitars during the solo are friggin’ cash money. If I had to put this song in football terms I would say it is a touchdown!....Oh shit, what are they doing? Are they going for two?! They’re going for two! THE TWO POINT CONVERSION IS GOOD!!!! That’s what this song would be like, if this was football.
The Traveller is a great song. Certainly one of the best off the new album. After a short 7 second buildup this song hits you right in the face just as Clay Matthews would do, if you were on the opposing team and were holding the football during gameplay. Victoria and Alex come together in this song perfectly, each showcasing their unique talents. Victoria hits the high notes high and Alex’s guitar stays dreamy (as usual) throughout. I find myself constantly bobbing my head during this song; it makes me feel like a gangster. This is not an easy matchup whatsoever but the sheer power of that guitar solo let’s PPP run away with it, and the football I guess.
Winner: PPP
TE Matchup: Wildflower vs. Elegy to the Void (JB)
Victoria & Alex = Jerry & Elaine, right? Omg totes totes. Two brunettes who share a beautiful friendship and created their own little world with it’s own language and style. Like Jerry & Elaine, Beach House is able to find beauty in the unrelenting horror that is nothingness. The void. This song is big and devastating. It’s the best song on the record and easily wins this matchup.
Wildflower is the shortest song on Depression Cherry while Elegy to the Void is the longest on Thank Your Lucky Stars. This fact literally doesn’t matter at all, it’s just something I noticed. Tbh I always skip this song to get to Bluebird because Wildflower is kind of boring and somewhat monotonous. Is that good criticism? I’m so dumb, I’m in no position to say that. Is it actually monotonous? I really don’t know why I said that. I guess I just didn’t really vibe with this song…
Winner: Elegy to the Void
D/ST Matchup: Bluebird vs. Rough Song (JB)
I’ve had this experience multiple times with Beach House where the first couple times I listen to a song, I can’t fully make out what exactly the lyrics are but, slowly, it crystallizes. I find it to be an oddly rewarding listening experience. To hear the word, the message. To hear it take shape and then let it cut right through me is euphoric. Around the fourth time I listened to this song, I realized that Victoria was saying, “I want to forget/all that wasn’t right.” So sad, so true. Good song. If I was a judge on The Voice and heard this song, I’d turn that chair around so fast I’d get whiplash!
I was backing up my phone recently and I saw this note I wrote like 3 years ago and it just said: “the feeling of walking around your high school on a hot night towards the end of summer.” I was struck by how quickly I was able to recall this very abstract sense of dread. So many Beach House songs have the ability to drop me in a memory. Or, rather, the feeling of that memory and the amount of time that has passed since that memory. Bluebird is the song on Depression Cherry that does that for me. It’s no surprise that Beach House is really good at doing that.
Winner: None, it’s a draw. Both make this writer feel emotions!
K Matchup: Days of Candy vs. Somewhere Tonight (ML)
Days of Candy acts like a once-dominant, Super Bowl winning kicker (think Adam Vinateri) with its grandiose, choral, almost religious sound, as if it came right off Beach House’s last album Bloom. But, here’s the kicker- it’s been a little while since Bloom was released. So, on this Sunday, Days of Candy misses the game winning 32 yard field goal. And then goes home and re-watches it over and over again on ESPN, listening to commentators discuss fading relevancy. We’ll never know if the character Max Fischer, from Wes Anderson’s 1998 film Rushmore, would care about the NFL or Beach House. But we know what he would have said- Sic Transit Gloria. Glory fades.
Somewhere Tonight sounds incredible and here’s another kicker, it also sounds incredibly, incredibly sad. Like a kicker who rarely ever misses a field goal attempt, but plays for a losing team, and might have a drinking problem (think Sebastian Janikowski). This kicker has never felt the glory of a Super Bowl victory, which absolutely eats him up inside. A victory similar to the critical celebration that somewhat eludes Somewhere Tonight, and all of the Thank Your Lucky Stars album, an unfair result of the closeness in release dates with Depression Cherry.
Well here’s the last kicker- Beach House doesn’t give a fuck. Somewhere Tonight just keeps kicking and rocking, back and forth, with sounds that are reminiscent of a slow dance between two melancholic teenagers at a 1950’s prom. Sadness is a Beach House speciality alright, but this album-closer takes it to the next level. It is an overwhelmingly beautiful, nostalgia for a time, or memory, that hasn’t even happened yet- and perhaps never will.
The #grumpy #young #men are at it again. Wayne Jetski (Zach Dunn) opens it up, followed by Charlie Frown (Sam Wagner), and crooned to completion by DaMillion (Max Loparco).
