#aliciacaddel

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Chapter twelve, part five

That night was the last time she would see Evan for a long time. Deborah wasn't even sure if she would see him ever again. Alicia gave her him to hold for a while. Deborah was thankful to hold him just one more time before leaving.

He was such a precious little feller. Deborah loved him so much there were no words to describe it. His little hairs were already growing and giving the dark glow she had herself. She looked for something in his face that reminded her of his father. It was hard. She cradled him for a while and then got to bring him to his crib.

Laying him in bed made her feel like a big sister and mother at the same time. She had done this so many times for little brothers and sisters. Doing it for a child you birthed yourself was a whole different experience. Altough she wasn't his big sister but not really his mother either made it also painful. If only she could stay to bring him to bed every night. She stroke his little head and said softly I love you and then goodbye.

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Chapter eleven, part seven

A hour long she snuggeld with Evan. The world seemed to stop turning that hour. Everything was about her and the little baby boy in her arms. She told him over and over again how much she loved him. Then she talked about the very sweet parents who were waiting for him. That he would be loved by them. From time to time the tears would come down in floods from her eyes. She knew saying goodbye was close. The pain inside her was unbearable. If only she could keep him but it wasn't an option. She had to go back to her parents and they would never accept him.

After that hour was over her grandmother went to get Phillip and Alicia. Deborah couldn't stop crying. She, herself, gave Evan to Alicia who had tears in her eyes also. Deborah didn't care about that. She was only buzy with her own pain and saying goodbye to Evan. When they left with Evan in their arms Deborah hid in her pillows and cried loud and clear. Her grandmother came sitting on her bed and laid an arm on her sholder. Deborah sobbed and everytime she thought the pain was gone it came back again.

The nurse told her to go shower. Deborah listend but cried the whole time. After the shower she had to sign the papers to officialy give Evan to Phillip and Alicia. She did it with tears in her eyes. After that she crawled back into bed. Her grandmother stayed with her every second but nothing could feel the gaping wound that Evan left.

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Chapter ten, part five

It was hard to spend time with Alicia's family at her birthday. They were all so grateful for her to give Evan to them. They thanked her multiple times. But they talked mostly to Alicia about him and the choices they would make. They gave her tips how to handle a newborn and other things like that. Once again Deborah was confronted with the fact Evan wouldn't be her baby. It was painful to hear it again and again.

That night in her bed Deborah thought about the story of her grandmother again. She slowly started to understand the change of mind of her grandmother. But Deborah knew that change of mind wasn't an option for her. She had to return to her parents. Her parents would never allow her to keep the baby. There was no other option then to give Phillip and Alicia her baby. They were the best option she had. Even if it was so extremly hard for her.

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Chapter ten, part four

A week later they celebrated Alicia's birthday. It was at their appartment and Alicia invited her to see the room they had ready for Evans arrival. Deborah felt is was really nice of Alicia to let her see the room.

She felt speechless as she entered the room. It was such a nice cozy place for Evan to sleep in and maybe play in, in the future. The crib with the rug, but also the chair for Alicia or Phillip to sit in at night feeding him. The dresser for all his clothes and the little basket with diapers standing ready for his arrival. A few books stood already in a bookshelf. Toys and stuffed animals were present. The room was complete.

Deborah thanked Alicia once again for showing it to her before they went back to the others. While it hurted her that she wouldn't be able to live with her little boy she knew he would be safe and so loved by Phillip and Alicia. There was no doupt on her mind about that.

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Chapter ten, part two

It was time for Deborah, Phillip and Alicia to make a decision about the name for the little boy growing inside Deborah. She first wanted to name him after his father. But that wasn't possible. She didn't even knew his name. Once again she could punch her own head against the wall for making the stupid decision to go with him. After that she started looking for another name that would suit the boy in her belly. She sought for a name with a good meaning. She really liked the name Evan especially because of the meaning. It had a couple different meanings in different language's. One of them was 'God is gracious'. She really felt how God was gracious to her all the time. Her staying at her grandparents house was one long gracious gift from him. That her little boy would be with family was another gracious gift. She hoped that he himself would be a gracious gift too and also that he would get many gracious gifts from God himself.

Phillip and Alicia went along with it right away. Deborah hadn't though about a middle name yet but they had. They really wanted to name him after both Phillip and after his father, Deborahs grandfather. Deborah had nothing against it and was even very proud to name her little boy after her grandfather who had done so much for her already. So her little boy's name would be Evan Phillip Caddel. With her hand she touched her belly again. Little Evan Phillip. It suited him.

They made more decision that day. Every thing was put down on paper and signed by all of them. Deborah had a whole case with papers about decision they made together. Sometimes it made it very real. Other times she was thankful for the thoughtful proces of it all.

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