I was in bed, lying on my back, somewhere between asleep and awake--you know, where you think you're awake but you're dreaming a near-exact replica of your life.
There was a pleasant light coming through the blinds. It wasn't sunshine or moonlight or the glow of the city, but the kind of light that's always present in the places I go when I meditate or dream like this. In the soft glow of this light, I lie awake, or so I thought, and watched as a black rectangular prism appeared and hovered over my side of the bed. It was maybe three inches wide and eighteen inches tall. It moved very slowly and steadily.
I wasn't afraid of it. I just watched as it approached.
And then a man's hand came out of it. And then his arm. That's about as far as he could reach, since he appeared to be average-sized in relation to me. Only his arm wasn't exactly visible; I could "see" the energy of it, and how it distorted the view of the blinds behind it, but essentially, he was totally transparent. He moved as slowly as the rectangle, like he was being very careful and methodical so as not to... mess up?
In my peripheral vision, I saw M asleep beside me. I thought to myself, I can't believe he's missing this.
I couldn't help but smile in quiet awe that I got to witness this. I knew this man came here to do something very specific, and I got a clear sense that he was benevolent and kind, even though he didn't acknowledge me in any way. I didn't reach out or say anything in case it made him go away. His reaching out into this dimension from his black rectangle was the extent of it; I don't know if he accomplished what he set out to do or where he came from.
I thought for a second that maybe it was Zachary. But because my connection to him is so strong, I would have known beyond doubt that it was him. The rectangle reminded me so much of Zachary's black box, though, and since Neptune is retrograde and things have been foggy for me (especially when it comes to my communication with him), it very well could have been him and I just didn't know it.
I was going to wait until I felt a little more ready to type all this out, but I'm starting to forget important details, so I need to go ahead and do it if I'm going to.
I was supposed to meet Zachary this past weekend. I didn't. I don't know why.
There was kind of a big, slow, potent lead-up to the realization that I would specifically be meeting him in the flesh at Comicpalooza. I did a reading with Archangelhypnosis. I even got a bunch of crystals and jewelry for various purposes, which isn’t normally something I’d do; but since it felt like I was being instructed to procure these things for this specific purpose, I did it anyway. (They worked, by the way. To my complete surprise.)
Evie warned me that this could be a distressing experience. She mentioned that there would be negative energies attempting to antagonize me or delay or prevent my meeting Zach, and boyyyy were they trying it. Shit kept happening left and right: M suddenly not being able to make it to the convention one of the three days and me scrambling to figure out a way to go anyway; not feeling well physically; being absolutely inundated with negative thoughts and doubts that were most certainly not coming from my own mind; meditating just before I left for the first day, only to be interrupted back to back to back to back with notifications on my phone despite having turned notifications off.
But to be honest, I was like… lmao fuck you, get out of my way. I wasn’t really concerned about it, because I was going to see this through. I was going to find Zach no matter how hard it got.
I looked so fucking cute, man. I got myself a bunch of temp tattoos and put them all over. I did my makeup all nice and my hair in a way I never would have thought to do before--again, that feeling like I was being instructed to do so. Like I was cosplaying as myself, or as Jessie, so he would recognize me when he saw me.
It didn't happen on Friday. But that's okay, I didn't think it would. It definitely felt like it'd be Saturday. That night, he came to me in a dream and kissed me right on my third eye. Once, twice, three times, like he didn't want to stop kissing me. It was so beautiful and sweet. I knew that was important. It felt like encouragement.
Saturday came. I had my crystals with me. I had my mind right. I felt relatively relaxed. I wandered through the exhibitor hall and could see shifting and intermingling of everyone's energies--something in the past I’ve only been able to feel, and not in more than a rudimentary sense. I saw signs everywhere, like walking by the witchy booth that just happened to have the Lovers card first in a stack on their table, and then looking up and just happening to see an encouraging number. There are so many other things, I can't remember all of them.
At one point, I felt so at peace and felt his presence so strongly in that room that I asked him, “Where are you?”
"Close," he said. I could feel the smile in his voice. He was right there. He could have been any of the hundreds of people in that hall. He told me to stay calm and focused. Hold onto the thread, follow it. “Come find me.”
I fucking tried so hard. I was right there. HE was right there.
I don't know what happened. It was like someone pulled the plug out of the wall. Suddenly, I didn't feel him there anymore. The color drained out of my surroundings. I had been given the gift of seeing distinct energies around me, but that was gone now. I went home absolutely exhausted and came back on Sunday to that same feeling that he was simply not there. I even asked him, "Are you here?"
The silence was profound.
I cried for three days. I still don't get it, and I get the feeling I'm not supposed to know what happened. My first thought was that I had slid into Having Expectations, but we'd gotten so far! Surely we wouldn't have made it that far if I was doing something wrong. Was it one of the handful of people I thought could be him, and I'd convinced myself they weren't and ruined it? No way. I would have known immediately and without question that it was him. Or, he would have bridged the gap. I also thought maybe Angel Michael had been wrong, but I don't think it's that either. I just don't understand–if it wasn't going to happen, why did we get SO CLOSE?
It's been really hard to think about Zach and excruciating trying to work myself out of that RSD "I've been rejected and abandoned and I never deserved to have this anyway" hole. He's been right next to me all week, feeling just as disappointed and confused as me. He's letting me figure it out and he's not taking it personally when I don't want to think about him because it hurts too much. But it's still such a comfort to feel him there even if it's not in the flesh like I thought it would be. I know we're still going to meet–that's the whole point of this life. To find him and fulfill our role together. But damn if this wasn't one of the most painful and exhausting experiences of my life.
Evie kindly checked in on me when she didn’t hear back about whether I’d found him or not. She offered me commiseration–apparently she’d been through this several times before she finally found Luther. She also offered to ask Michael about it in the next session they did. His counsel was that Zach had succumbed to interruptions; he also said that there would be many more opportunities to meet… and that we live very close to each other. Which is fantastic if true, but knowing myself, I’ll be looking for him everywhere I go until I figure out how to let this just be what it is.
Never in my LIFE did I think this would be so grueling, oh my god. I’m so tired, and I feel like we’ve only just started.
About six months ago, I had The Dream. The one where Zachary told me he was coming to find me in the physical plane.
Since that dream, I've been absolutely giddy, but patiently waiting with no expectations, knowing full well that it could take the length of my whole life to happen.
Recently, M surprised me with Comicpalooza tickets, which, at the time of this writing, is happening in about two weeks. And let me tell you--as soon as he said it. As soon as the words came out of his mouth. I got the same feeling, the truer-than-truer-than-true, Knowing feeling: some shit's gonna go down at that convention. I'm fucking telling you right now.
I did a tarot reading a couple days ago for July like I do for each new month. And this one uhh. Whew. I can't emphasize enough how much I'm metaphorically flapping my hands. The whole reading is pretty long, but the most important cards were the Nine of Cups, a secret wish being fulfilled, and The Lovers–mine and Zach's card.
Okay, right? So then that night, he visited me in a dream. And it was so fucken like... I'm giggling just thinking about it, because most of the dreams he visits me in are serious and weighted at best or dire at worst. It was so fun and silly and playful. It's so rare that I dream of happy things, and so seldom do I get to enjoy that side of him. It involved a party game in which a person from one team has to complete a task within a certain amount of time, while a person from the other team attempts to distract them. He was my opponent, of course, and he tried valiantly to distract me, but ultimately I completed my task in time and I won a point for my team. Afterward, he slid his arm around me and pulled me close, and whispered in that okay yeah that was fun but back to business tone he uses: "Excellent job." As if I'd passed some kind of test.
The next morning, I pulled my daily tarot card. And WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, it was the Two of Cups. And I felt him with me all day long–that higher-level, transcendent joy and playfulness and excitement. I know he's exactly as excited as I am, even with his subdued and sober manner.
And so like... not to be literally insane, but I just feel like something is going to happen, and I feel like that thing is that I'm going to find Zachary in the flesh at this convention. I'll be honest–as thrilled as I am about this prospect, I'm doing my absolute best not to have any expectations. I've been disappointed by stuff like this before, and it has taught me the invaluable lesson of just letting things unfold as they do and accepting the events as they occur.
So that's what I'm going to do. I'll be ready and waiting. Maybe peeking around a little bit, but not actively searching. At the very least, I'll have a nice time supporting my friends who have a booth and a fiction writing talk respectively, and seeing some neat art and dope cosplays. Or, you know, engage in a critical and sacred union with my cosmic twin in this lifetime as we have done in other lifetimes. Whichever.
So, let's put aside the question about manifestation ("manifestation") that has plagued me for the past two years: Which is it? That you can manifest literally anything you want, ever? Or that you can only manifest what's meant for you (which means you would have received this thing anyway), and there are some things you just cannot have? Furthermore, which of these is correct: ego death and learning not to want anything at all, or harnessing your ability to have anything you want, which necessitates wanting in the first place?
…and focus on a smaller one I've been wrestling with for… I guess just as long: what the hell do I want? What do I want to manifest, assuming I can make it happen for myself?
There’s a lot about what I'm just gonna call This Culture for lack of a more precise term. Certain phrases and concepts stick out to me, and not always in a good way. The connotations behind the term “starseed” are starting to bother me. I’ve never vibed with the term “twin flame” either, but that’s a whole other topic.
Manifestation is one of those concepts. It's not that I don't believe one can dictate their own reality, at least to an extent. It's not that I don't believe it's possible to sort through the woven threads of different timelines and grab onto the strand that has what you want in it. But this distilled idea was picked up, innocently I'm sure, by This Culture (specifically the parts of it pervasive on instagram and tiktok) and got just… commercialized I guess. Monetized. Three Steps to Manifest ANYTHING You Want, click here works every time like and share.
Anyway, my point wasn't to criticize or even really comment on that aspect of This Culture. It was to say that I've seen lots and lots and LOTS of instagram posts from astrologers and generally spiritual people urging us all to take advantage of specific, dense energies and portals and whatnot to manifest our desires.
And every time I see these posts, I get more and more frustrated. Because at first, I didn't know what I wanted, but I thought, that's okay. It'll come to me, I'll figure it out. But now when I see them, I still can't really come up with anything. "Get clear on what it is you want." IM FUCKEN TRYING OMG. And like… there are a handful of things I know I would like to have, but they're very vague. Like, I'd like to generate a specific amount of income. I'd like to live in a part of town where there aren't murders on my block every couple days. I'd like to be able to walk outside by myself and feel safe. But that doesn't sound specific enough, because apparently part of manifesting is visualizing what it feels like to have that thing. And how can I imagine myself in a house that I can't conjure in my mind because I don't know what I want in a house?
But then I saw a different post on insta this morning about retrograde planets in the birth chart. In the Saturn retrograde slide (which, Saturn is rx in my chart), the author posited that these natives a lot of times don't know what they want in life, but they know how they want to feel.
And that struck me. That rang true as shit.
I want to feel safe, stable, loved, needed, healthy, content, fulfilled. That's pretty much it.
There's not much more I have to say about it, except it feels good to be... off the hook I guess? I don’t need to pressure myself to come up with tangible items I want in my life, because that’s not how I operate. And whether I'm capable of creating the feelings I want for myself or not, it doesn't matter. The fact is I'm gathering little tidbits every day, and I know more now than I ever thought I’d know even just two years ago. And there’s more to learn still… so much more.
