#aline giovanella

[biomarine]

I’m lost.

As many of you known, I’ve been hoping and wishing that someday I’d be a marine biologist since 2012. And since 2015 i’ve been actively in college. 

Its 2020 and nothing is even close to be done. And its hard and heartbreaking.. 

Its hard because I had to drop off for 6 months for financial reasons, I’ve changed universities and therefore some of the subjects i had already done was not taken in consideration in this new university. So bassicly, 3 years of college was almost for nothing. 

Im very frustated and doubting myself for the choices I’ve made. It brings me questions like “is this really what Im supposed to be doing? Is this the right path? Is it worth it?” 

I’m seeing everybody ahead of me and its makes me angry and very very sad. 

For the last weeks I’ve been desolated by the fact that maybe, just maybe, marine biology is not my path. 

I made this blog I was only 13, Im almost 23 now.

 For almost a decade I had this passion for marine biology and orcas, expecially for orcas. They have been my passion and what grounded me and saved me from suicide. They gave me direction, they gave me a reason to keep going. And feeling like this makes me sad because I feel like im betraying them for all they’ve done for me. I promised I’d become a profissional to help educate and make the world and the ocean a better place for orcas and all marine life. 

But I feel like I cannot even make the world a better place for me, let alone for them.

Im brazilian (my url used to be brazilian-orca) and if you are seeing the news we have the worst government in years and biologists and enviromental activists are being hunted, fired and denied jobs in our field so military can take over. There’s no jobs, no oportunities. And this, for itself, is a blown.

Im feeling ashamed, Im feelind sad and doubtfull and so so sad. Because I feel like Im failing the animals I swore to protect. But I feel so disconeted from all of it. I feel like such a mess. 

Please, if you have some kind words, some encouragment, please, please, send them my way. Im really needing it. 

[biomarine]

SO GUESS WHO IS NOW IN THE UNIVERSITY OF THE STATE OF SANTA CATARINA, BACK ON MARINE BIOLOGY?

me bitch

and guess what?

 its free

[biomarine]

Im terribly bored and with insomnia, so why not trown up my life on the internet, right? Well, i started this blog i was very young, barely 13. I was in such love with killer whales and seaworld and all that illussion they sell. And now, 9years later, im still in sock of how much my views and personality has been shaped by this dream of working with killer whale. And shortly later, when I became na anti cap, I was even stronger in working hard to do my best to always have data to prove killer whales dont belong in captive enviroment and make sure this nonsense dont last fifty more years. So, yeah. Im getting old, im seeing the whales i learned from dying. Its interesting and new and time can never hold back. I would be lying, though, if I say i dont miss being a teenager incredible in love with a reality that seemed so far away.

I miss my boldness, my passion, even. But I guess its just life.

[biomarine]

its getting colder in brazil, finally. im ready for autumm and for my new plan ahead.

life just feels right sometimes.

[biomarine]

When i stop and remember I've been here for five years, feels a bit surreal

[biomarine]

Just wanna go home, back to college, back to the beach. Back to my Lana del Rey songs, drinking wine at the beach with my friends, while we imagine our future with high amounts of drama. Even Boo boo seems to be anxious to come back.

Oh dear, I miss home.

[biomarine]

I have a, not so funny, story about how I lost my temper at campus and got into a fight with a friend to tell you guys, who’s interested?

So, because citology is complicated (to me, at least) I worked quite hard on a presentation who was not taken as seriously from this friend, and after a shameful presentation, I got upset. Really upset. As many as you guys know, I’m on treatment. I take three different medications, twice a day to get my life going, and the progress I’ve made, it’s amazing! But, in this particularly morning, for some reason (the weather, how I slept, how I woke up, etc) I got really angry about how the events turned out to be, and this guy and I got into a argument. And as the whole class watched, and some filmed, and others laughed, I searched in my mind a reason for being so angry: "I need to pass this class, I need a good grade.", but getting into a fight, and being in this situation for almost nothing, was not worth it. Then the rage was over. I got sad and hurt for the rest of the day. This guy, who was a friend of mine, he punched a fridge so he wouldn't punch someone in the face. But in the end of the day I got kind of.. happy (?). Because even though I got into a fight, yes, I never actually lost my mind. We have bad times and good times and treatment its not going to stop that.

[biomarine]

Boo Boo update

So, after birthing Boo looked good. She was walking, eating, being active and loving as always. Late in the night, her tempeture has higher than the usual, her tities were full of milk but as I said there was no babies alive in this litter. 

So, the vet sold me sec lac ® to stop lactation and see if it helps with the discomfort she’s may feeling and the fever. 

Right now she’s resting, being really needy and loving. I’m broke and spent more money I could but there’s nothing in this world I wouldnt do for her. Lets hope she gets better soon.