#allblackaura

[allblackaura-blog]

Melancholy / Masks

I guess anyone can seem fine. No matter what has happened to them...

But when they're alone in a dark room, with nothing but silence in their ears, and they find the darkness comforting, and soothing...when they feel removed from the world, alone in their thoughts, melancholic.

When the cameras are off and their mouths slowly return to a thin line When they are reconnected with the thoughts they try to forget. To repress. To push away. To know that if they shut their eyes they see a million mirrors all around them, reflections of reflections...with nowhere to go but to themselves, and no face to see but their own.

That's when you know if they're truly fine.

[allblackaura-blog]

SONDER

SONDER: n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

[allblackaura-blog]

Please Stop

It's officially 20th August 2014.

You're sitting here in your room, loathing yourself. You know you should not have done what you just did. You were doing so well. What the hell happened? WHERE was the trigger to relapse?

This is getting ridiculous.

Time is precious, and you're wasting it, you're fucking wasting it. You idiot.

STOP.

It's time to study. It's time to focus. It's time to clean. It's time to remove. It's time, to never add. It's time to sleep. It's time to recover. It's time to pray. It's time to gym. To improve yourself. To re-learn and touch up on your French, like you wanted. It's time to hang out with friends, precious time you will not have once you leave this magical and beautiful place. It's time to sort out e-mails. It's time to work through To-Do lists. It's time to do readings. It's time to work through lectures, tutorials, work on assignments early like you were meant to this semester. It's time to reply people's messages, or check all the notifications on Facebook. It's time to nap, if needed. It's time to sort out money. It's time to update your student club budgets. It's time to plan. You know planning reduces your anxiety. It's time to create time, and create space.

It's time to see her face. And her smile, her laugh.

It's time to stop being pitiful, and sick of yourself. What happened man? You used to love yourself. On the face of it you still do, but you're not entirely proud of who you are anymore. And something you thought you always controlled, now seems to control you. An addiction. You're no longer in complete control of your own behaviour, and that's dangerous. It's dangerous to the core. Just stop, man. Just. Stop.

How would you feel if you died tonight? Would you be happy with who you are? Would the impression you left on others, be realistic or true? Would it be accurate, would it show who you really are? What if who you really are isn't all that great? Can you live with that? You are, at the moment. And suffering for it. Stop it Sameer. You're hurting yourself physically and mentally, you're hurting your future, you're hurting your grades. This addiction is taking over, and you're destroying your own life.

Remember that it was half a day, if not more. 4:15PM til 5:45PM, then again for 30-45 mins just before dinner...then a further 2.75-3 hours from 10 or so, until 12:45AM. That's into the next day...and a total of 5 hours or so. That's way too fuckin much. What could you have done in that time?! And don't shy away from who you were, at this point in life, in fact if you're truthful, for a very long time. Several years, in fact. You cannot shy away, or you will never win, you will never beat your demons.

Let this be the last and final note you ever leave yourself about this.

Because you've tried before, and yes you made progress but it was so slow, so fragile. And within a brief moment, it was broken and all the good work you had put into it, was undone. So make sure this is it. The final one. You're 20 years old man, it's time to act your age. And you know you're powerful enough to make the change. Nothing is stopping you, except for your own mind and the thoughts that roam through it. Put an iron fist on that and control it, and that should be that. You will be reborn, and so much happier with yourself. Until then, when you're panicking and tempted, come back to this and re-read it. See how you felt at this point, and how much you hated what might seem as completely reasonable in the time period that will, undoubtedly, come.

DO NOT CAST THESE WORDS OUT THE DOOR IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.

Good luck.

I'll be watching.

[allblackaura-blog]

I don't wanna do what my dad did with a rope no So I carry on even though it's hard to The only thing that's definite is death & things always change as long as you give em a chance to

Professor Green

[allblackaura-blog]

Seriously

Hate when you're lying in bed with your head propped up but it's propped up at an awkward angle, then you have to use your neck muscles to hold your head up at a correct angle to see your laptop but then eventually you give up and your chin just drops onto your chest

[allblackaura-blog]

Back?

Just got on my Tumblr after quite a while and seeing some of the stuff I was reblogging and the emotions I felt at that time, made me realise damn, I'm definitely in a better place now mentally...

[allblackaura-blog]

en nuit dans l'apesanteur

I want a night with piano keys, twinkling eyes, clinking glasses, a view overlooking the city with all its buildings, bright lights and life, and feeling at home. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHZHtYkn_Qc

[allblackaura-blog]

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

Bob Marley