It's officially 20th August 2014.
You're sitting here in your room, loathing yourself. You know you should not have done what you just did. You were doing so well. What the hell happened? WHERE was the trigger to relapse?
This is getting ridiculous.
Time is precious, and you're wasting it, you're fucking wasting it. You idiot.
It's time to study. It's time to focus. It's time to clean. It's time to remove. It's time, to never add. It's time to sleep. It's time to recover. It's time to pray. It's time to gym. To improve yourself. To re-learn and touch up on your French, like you wanted. It's time to hang out with friends, precious time you will not have once you leave this magical and beautiful place. It's time to sort out e-mails. It's time to work through To-Do lists. It's time to do readings. It's time to work through lectures, tutorials, work on assignments early like you were meant to this semester. It's time to reply people's messages, or check all the notifications on Facebook. It's time to nap, if needed. It's time to sort out money. It's time to update your student club budgets. It's time to plan. You know planning reduces your anxiety. It's time to create time, and create space.
It's time to see her face. And her smile, her laugh.
It's time to stop being pitiful, and sick of yourself. What happened man? You used to love yourself. On the face of it you still do, but you're not entirely proud of who you are anymore. And something you thought you always controlled, now seems to control you. An addiction. You're no longer in complete control of your own behaviour, and that's dangerous. It's dangerous to the core. Just stop, man. Just. Stop.
How would you feel if you died tonight?
Would you be happy with who you are?
Would the impression you left on others, be realistic or true? Would it be accurate, would it show who you really are? What if who you really are isn't all that great? Can you live with that? You are, at the moment. And suffering for it. Stop it Sameer. You're hurting yourself physically and mentally, you're hurting your future, you're hurting your grades. This addiction is taking over, and you're destroying your own life.
Remember that it was half a day, if not more. 4:15PM til 5:45PM, then again for 30-45 mins just before dinner...then a further 2.75-3 hours from 10 or so, until 12:45AM. That's into the next day...and a total of 5 hours or so. That's way too fuckin much. What could you have done in that time?! And don't shy away from who you were, at this point in life, in fact if you're truthful, for a very long time. Several years, in fact. You cannot shy away, or you will never win, you will never beat your demons.
Let this be the last and final note you ever leave yourself about this.
Because you've tried before, and yes you made progress but it was so slow, so fragile. And within a brief moment, it was broken and all the good work you had put into it, was undone. So make sure this is it. The final one. You're 20 years old man, it's time to act your age. And you know you're powerful enough to make the change. Nothing is stopping you, except for your own mind and the thoughts that roam through it. Put an iron fist on that and control it, and that should be that. You will be reborn, and so much happier with yourself. Until then, when you're panicking and tempted, come back to this and re-read it. See how you felt at this point, and how much you hated what might seem as completely reasonable in the time period that will, undoubtedly, come.
DO NOT CAST THESE WORDS OUT THE DOOR IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.
