I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 48
Written by: Allegra, Sol
Edited by: Beth, Allegra, Sol
The bright December sun poured through the windscreen of Alex’s car, warming Nick’s face as he stared idly out the window.
Despite his calm demeanor, Nick’s mind was racing. They were on their way to yet another medical appointment, something that had become routine for them over the last month. Nick hated going to the doctor. Any doctor. The unforgiving fluorescent lighting, the white walls, the sterile smell, the way everyone around looked so sad for Nick. He’d had enough. He just wanted to be better. But it didn’t seem like he ever would be.
“You alright?” The car had come to a stop, Nick realized, and Alex had placed his left hand atop Nick’s right. Nick turned his gaze to Alex and forced a smile.
“Oh...I’m fine.”
Alex frowned as he lightly ran his fingertips across Nick’s knuckles. “Fine?” Nick hmmed in response. “Aren’t you excited? They might clear you to stop wearing the mask today!” Alex was always good at retaining the deluge of information that the doctors and nurses had given Nick during his recovery, and he had been looking forward to this day for weeks. He was (somewhat selfishly) excited about the prospect of finally being able to kiss Nick again, but he was also looking forward to Nick regaining his independence, freedom from his reliance on a machine to control his breathing.
“Yeah…” Nick said, pausing before quietly adding, “...No. I’m not. I’m scared.”
“Oh, Nick,” Alex whispered, squeezing Nick’s hand as he hit the accelerator when the light flashed to green. “Everything is going to be fine. I’m sure.”
Nick said nothing, trying to focus on the warmth of Alex’s reassuring hand atop his. Logically, he knew that he had come a long way since the day he had come home from the hospital, but his anxious brain could only think of what he still couldn’t do. He couldn’t walk long distances without becoming exhausted. He couldn’t breathe on his own for more than a few hours. He couldn’t bathe alone, or cook for himself, or sleep by himself without Alex staying with him to make sure that he was still alive. That was the worst thing of all, Nick thought, the way Alex had completely uprooted his life to take care of him day in and day out, somehow managing to fit in schoolwork and errands and taking care of Steckrübe on top of everything else. Would Alex be okay with having to do this every day, forever? If Nick didn’t get better, he knew he would be stuck in their flat forever, never again able to play a show or go to class or go places with his friends. And Alex would have to follow suit. Nick couldn’t do that to Alex...but he wouldn’t have a choice. Alex wouldn’t want to take care of him, he would break up with him, and Nick would be alone yet again.
The car jolted to a stop again, this time in a space in the car park, the grey medical building looming before them.
“Want to roll there?” Alex asked as he waited for Nick to step out of the car.
Nick stepped out of the car and shakily shut the door. “I can walk.”
“You’re sure?” Nick nodded before almost losing his balance. Alex instinctively grabbed Nick’s waist to steady him. “Are you absolutely sure you don’t need to roll?”
“I’m fine.” Nick wasn’t feeling fine, but he forced himself to soldier on. Alex kept one hand on Nick’s lower back as they made their way up the sidewalk. By the time they had reached the front door, Alex’s arms were firmly wrapped around Nick’s chest as his legs threatened to give out beneath him.
Alex stumbled through the automatic doors and sat Nick down in a chair in the waiting room so he could talk to a receptionist. Nick sank into his seat, slumping down far enough to rest his head on the back of the chair. The room spun around him even when he closed his eyes. His chest ached, like his lung was going to collapse again at any moment.
Nick only opened his eyes when Alex sat down next to him. “Everything alright?”
“Yeah,” Nick blinked and tried to catch his breath.
“I brought you water,” Alex handed Nick a bottle of water. “Can you open it?”
Nick nodded and opened the bottle. As soon as he took a sip, he was called for his appointment. As he trudged down the hall to the exam room, he held onto Alex with one arm and the wall with the other.
When they made it to the exam room, Nick immediately collapsed onto the bench he was supposed to sit on. Alex sighed and lifted him to sit on it. “Are you feeling alright?”
Nick nodded and leaned against the wall. This wasn’t going to go well.
The doctor came into the room a few minutes later and both Alex and Nick greeted her hesitantly. Alex was nervous now. Nick could tell.
“Could you take off your mask, please?” The doctor asked, ready to assess Nick’s breathing. Nick pulled the mask off, once again hesitating, scared of the possible negative outcome.
The doctor then listened to Nick’s breathing with her stethoscope, running the cold metal over his chest and back. Nick made sure to try to keep it as even as he could. Even the slightest flaw could stop him from being cleared. He put the mask back on after she was done.
“I think we should do an x-ray,” the doctor suggested, “is that ok?” Nick nodded and looked over at Alex, who gave a thumbs up of approval. “Come right this way,” she said, sliding the exam room door open and heading down the hall.
Nick glanced nervously at Alex and slid himself off the table, his legs wobbling. He took a hesitant step, his hand still firmly planted against the counter, and then another. Alex reached out for him, but Nick shook his head. He stepped again and again, small steps, making his way to the door slowly but surely.
The doctor reappeared in the doorway. “Right this w-” she began, trailing off as she locked eyes with Nick, his hand braced on the wall, his legs dangerously close to giving out again.
“... I’ll go get you a wheelchair,” the doctor rushed off and returned a few moments later. Nick hesitated to sit down, not wanting to accept his weakness.
Luckily, or unluckily, for Alex, Nick’s walking abilities were to be assessed as soon as he returned from his x-ray.
“Well… you’re walking,” the doctor reassured Nick after he wobbled across the room, “that’s a good thing. But you’re not balanced at all when you walk…”
Nick nodded, acknowledging that he was always afraid of toppling over whenever he took more than a couple steps without support.
"But that's okay. We can get you a pair of crutches for that."
Nick's ears perked up at the suggestion. Crutches? He was strong enough for crutches? He nodded vigorously. "Okay."
The doctor left the room to look for a pair of crutches. Nick wobbled back to the bench and tried to hop up to sit on it.
“Let’s hope this helps, yeah?” Alex remarked cheerily as he helped Nick onto the bench. Nick nodded again, a bit nervous. What if he wasn’t strong enough?
The doctor came back a few minutes later, holding a pair of crutches. Nick tensed up when he saw them. It was happening. He did his best to let his body relax as the doctor slipped the cuffs around his arms and showed him how to properly hold the handles.
“You got it, Nick?” Alex asked as Nick cautiously slid down from the bench. Nick nodded and steadied himself. He took one slow step, then a second. This wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t great, either - but he was upright and walking. His shoulders were scrunched and his elbows bent awkwardly outwards as he made his way to the door, then turned around and walked back to the bench.
The doctor nodded her approval. “Great. Before you leave, we’ll get a nurse to adjust the height of those. I can see that they’re a little too tall for you.” Alex inadvertently let out a small snort of laughter and Nick looked at him, brows furrowed. “The x-ray results should be back by now… let me go check!”
When the doctor left the room, Nick looked up at Alex. “Why’d you laugh just now?”
“Well… You are quite short, Nick. But it’s cute. You’re cute!” Alex playfully rubbed his hand across Nick’s upper back. Nick smiled faintly. He was proud to have graduated to using crutches, but the nagging fear of not being cleared still clouded his mind. He couldn’t let his guard down just yet.
The doctor returned with the x-ray photos in her hand. Her white coat swished as she shut the door and strode over to the x-ray screen, flicking on the switch. “Well, Nick,” she smiled, “I’ve got some good news. Your lung is fully healed!”
Nick grinned, but was still unsure of what that meant. It sure didn’t feel healed.
“The punctured part has been completely patched up. If you look here-” She hung the x-ray on the screen and gestured to one area. “-the puncture from falling on the barrier is totally gone. There was a hole here on the first x-rays we took, but not anymore!”
Nick wanted to know why he still felt so much pain and weakness if he was as “healed” as the doctor claimed, but couldn’t find the words. Alex spoke up, as though reading his mind. “So, what exactly does that mean?”
“It means that his lungs are fully functioning again and he can breathe independently. There’s no chance of air escaping and causing his lung to collapse again. So,” she said with a smile, turning her attention back to Nick, “that means you don’t need to wear the mask anymore! You can always put it on if you feel like you need it, considering your lungs are still weak. But you are in the clear!”
A smile spread across Nick’s face again, this time for real. He was cleared. He was better. He wasn’t confined to the flat anymore. He had...survived. If he was physically able, he would have jumped for joy, but instead settled on kicking the air gently with excitement.
Alex nudged Nick’s shoulder and tapped the mask. When Nick turned to look at him, Alex carefully lifted the mask off his face and pulled the straps out of his hair. Nick blinked rapidly and took his first real deep breath in months. “Thanks,” he said with an appreciative smile.
“Does this mean I can leave the flat now?” Nick asked, silently hoping that the doctor wasn’t aware that he had actually left the flat already.
“That should be fine! Just take it easy, okay?”
Once the crutches had been adjusted and Nick had been handed a fresh pile of instructions and paperwork, the boys made their way out to Alex’s car. As Alex readjusted the ventilator in his hands, he stole a glance at Nick, who looked fully content for the first time since Alex had met him. He was practically glowing, his smile spreading wider and wider across his face. His blue eyes were brighter than ever. He was practically bouncing with every step. Alex wanted nothing more than to grab him right then and there and kiss him within an inch of his life, but he decided it was better to save that for when they weren’t in public. He watched as Nick walked steadily to the car, taking it slow, not afraid of falling or passing out. Alex could tell Nick was tired, though, as he leaned against the car door, waiting for Alex to unlock it.
Nick slid into his seat as Alex opened the back door to toss Nick’s crutches into the pile of trash and random medical papers that spilled off the seat. I really need to clean, he thought to himself as he shoved a sketchbook out of the way to set the ventilator down. That could come later, though. Nick was waiting. Alex smiled as he shut the door and opened his own. He couldn’t wait to get home and kiss Nick for the first time in forever.
Alex climbed into his seat and looked over at Nick with a smile before putting the car in reverse and slowly beginning to pull out of the parking space. Alex’s neck was twisted to the right, checking for oncoming traffic, when he practically jumped out of his skin as he felt something wrap around him. He whipped his head around to find himself nose to nose with Nick, whose arms were already around Alex’s shoulders. Nick took a shaky breath and smashed his lips into Alex’s, pulling himself further across the armrest. Alex fumbled around for the gearstick, blindly returning the car to park before awkwardly wrapping his own arms around Nick’s back. Nick felt so small and fragile, like he was going to crumble in Alex's arms. It was a sharp contrast to the strength with which Nick was kissing Alex, his breathing heavy, his tongue pressing into Alex's mouth, one hand on Alex's back and one hand fisted in his hair.
Alex had never seen Nick like this before. He'd never gotten a chance to, before the accident had torn them apart for so long. Alex pulled Nick as close as he could, feeling his pounding heart as their chests pressed together. Nick was making soft noises now, gasping and sighing and moaning quietly. Alex couldn't help but respond with his own sounds as he kissed him back furiously. Nick's lips were chapped from the cold and being stuck behind the mask for weeks and weeks, but Alex didn't mind. He had been denied the pleasure, the warmth of Nick's breath and the taste of his lips for far too long.
"Alex," Nick breathed, finally pulling back from the kiss, pressing his forehead to Alex's. He was nearly panting, trying to catch his breath, but he was grinning from ear to ear. "I love you so much...I missed this so much."
"I love you too," Alex murmured, running his hand up and down Nick's cheek before pulling him in for another, more gentle kiss. Nick tried to deepen it the best he could, but his breathing was more shallow now, his lungs struggling to keep up. Alex sensed this and broke the kiss, helping Nick pull himself across the armrest and into Alex's lap. They stayed like that for a few moments, Nick straddling Alex's legs, Alex rubbing Nick's back as his breathing slowly came back under his control. Nick tightened his hold on Alex and laughed quietly. "What?" Alex asked.
Nick shook his head, too overwhelmed for words. "I...just...I love you. So much, schatz."
Alex giggled at the pet name. "Love you too, Nitzki," he said, running his hands up Nick's sides now. Alex continued to hold him, calming him down, until he realized they were still technically in public and their car was halfway out of the parking space. Normally he would have cared that they were making out in a place where anyone could see, but his brain was so overwhelmed with emotion that he'd lost all of his rational thoughts.
“Ready to go home, Nick?”
Nick nodded, his arms tightening around Alex as he pressed himself flush against Alex's body. "One more?" he asked shyly, ghosting his lips against Alex's.
Alex smiled and pulled Nick close, their lips gently meeting once again.