I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 50
Written by: Sol, Beth
Edited by: Erin
Finally, everything in Alex’s flat was back to normal. Mostly. Nick was happy to be sleeping in Alex’s bed again, with Steckrübe curled up in a friend-shaped ball between them. Nick watched lazily, snuggled against Alex’s side, as Alex sketched in his sketchbook.
“Alex…?” Nick buried his face into Alex’s arm.
“Yeah? Is something wrong?”
“No, I just… want to talk about something,” Nick sighed.
Alex put his sketchbook down and snuggled Nick. “What’s up?”
“I don’t remember anything from the hospital, and… it’s bothering me.”
“Oh, well, I suppose not a lot happened, really.” Alex said this to reassure Nick, but it was true. That month was the longest that Alex had ever experienced, as he had spent most of it waiting for Nick to recover. He had tried to distract himself in between visits, but as time dragged on his mind only wandered back to Nick in the hospital. “Paul, Bob and I visited every day. We knew you wouldn’t want to be alone. The nurses seemed to take good care of you though, but they’re all so busy that they weren’t always around.”
"I...don't remember any of it, really," Nick admitted. Between all of his medications, all of the pain, and the amount of time he had spent asleep, the whole month was a dark blur in his memory.
“You don’t remember anything at all?”
“No… but I remember writing something...” Nick asked, not entirely sure which of his memories were actually real.
“Oh! Your letter!” Alex reached over to the drawer on his nightstand and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “I keep it in there.”
Nick grinned, “you have it?”
“Of course I do! I still read it sometimes…”
“I don’t really know what I said.”
"You said you love me, for the first time," Alex said with a smile. “Well, not the first time. You had this little word board you would tap and you kept tapping the ‘I love you’ box… but I thought you were joking!”
Nick blushed and buried his face in the blanket, “oh, I think I remember that now! I was so worried that I would never be able to tell you…”
“I was worried too. It was really scary, Nick. You were all floppy and pale and just looked dead…”
“Yeah?”
“Are you alright? Am I upsetting you?”
Nick shook his head, “keep going. I want to know more.”
Alex could have sworn he heard Nick’s voice break, but he continued anyway. “I was worried. I know it’s the last thing you want to hear, but we all had trouble believing you would make it.”
Nick couldn’t think of what to say, but squeezed Alex tightly. Alex wrapped both arms around Nick, reciprocating the firm yet gentle squeeze.
“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered as he rested his face on the top of Nick’s head, almost speaking into his hair, “I was just so worried. I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to come back home.”
“I’m here, now.” Nick reassured Alex softly, smiling into his chest. He didn’t ever want to spend such a long time away from him again.
“I know. I’m so happy you are,” Alex carefully dragged his hand up and down Nick’s arm, cherishing how alive and warm Nick felt now compared to how he was in the hospital.
The two sat in silence for a little while and held each other, savoring being able to get this close to each other once again. Then, Nick remembered something else from his time in the hospital.
“Did… did Lukas visit?”
Alex’s eyes shot open. “What?”
“I remember him… I saw him, but I don’t know if it was real.”
“I couldn’t get hold of him, Nick. I’m sorry.” Alex stroked Nick’s hair and prayed that Nick wouldn’t remember that Alex had called Lukas.
Nick breathed a sigh of relief; he didn’t want Lukas to worry about him anymore than he already had. I’ve caused him enough pain. But more memories from the hospital started to resurface in Nick’s mind, and he had a feeling that Alex wasn’t being entirely honest.
Nick suddenly tensed up. “I told you not to call him.”
Alex stared wide-eyed at the wall. Shit.
“I… don’t remember you saying that, Nick.” Alex had no clue as to how Nick knew that he’d called Lukas, but grasped that the jig was up.
“Well, I couldn’t exactly say it,” Nick held up his left hand, which had started twitching. “But I remember you telling me something…”
As Nick tried to recall their conversation, Alex suddenly began to feel uneasy. I can’t tell him. I can’t.
Nick slowly sat up and turned to look Alex in the eye. “Why didn’t he come to see me when you called?”
Alex took a deep breath. There was no point in lying anymore.
“I’m sorry, Nick. I lied to you. I did speak to him, but…” Alex braced himself for what he was about to say. He had no idea how Nick would react. “He… didn’t want to come. He didn’t say why. I suppose he didn’t say much at all.”
Nick’s heart sank, and he slowly lay himself back down on the bed, his body becoming limp. “He must hate me.”
“No. No, he doesn’t,” Alex reassured him, although unsure of what he was saying, “no one who took care of you like he did would ever hate you. Plus, it’s a long way from Munich to Glasgow.”
Nick sighed, still not convinced, and pressed his face into Alex’s side.
“It’s hard to see someone you love in the state you were in, Nick… he might not have wanted to see you like that again, especially since it’s not the first time you’ve been in a hospital. It could have been anything, really. He doesn’t hate you.”
Nick didn’t reply; he lacked the energy to think, let alone discuss this. He once again wrapped his arms around Alex, then fell asleep. Alex gazed down at him and frowned. I hope he’ll understand in the morning.
Alex slunk down the bed and cuddled closer to Nick, wrapping the duvet around them snugly to keep Nick warm. He listened to Nick’s slow and steady breathing before drifting off to sleep.
--------
Nick was floating in complete darkness, a powerful force pulling him towards a couple of distant blurs in front of him against his will. As he drifted closer he could hear their muffled voices, and after a moment he could just about make out a few words that were spoken in German. He couldn’t tell what the two people were talking about, but it was clear that they were both furious.
Nick lay still so that he didn’t draw attention to himself, and tried to concentrate on the conversation below. Wait… below? It was suddenly clear that he was floating above the two figures. Am I dead? Suddenly a bolt of hot agony ripped through his chest. Nick screamed out, his voice echoing, but neither of the men could hear him. If he could, he would have cried out again for help, but all he could do was gasp and choke.
“Dein Bruder…” barked one of the men to the other, along with other words that Nick still couldn’t hear. “Verpiss dich!” replied the other. Nick immediately recognized that voice. Lukas!
Nick tried to call his brother’s name, but no sounds left his lips. He thrashed around in the air, trying with everything he had to reach down to Lukas. He threw all of his energy into the ground below him, until he crashed down onto the floor. Lukas and the other man disappeared, leaving Nick alone on the pavement, blood pouring out of him. He gasped and spluttered and…
“Nick? Nick!”
Nick opened his eyes and saw another blurry figure, this time above him. He blinked a few times to clear his eyes and drew a deep, welcome breath before involuntarily gasping Alex’s name.
“Are you ok?!?”
As Nick snapped out of his nightmare, he began to realize that he was laying on the floor of Alex’s bedroom. His body was drained of energy after a fit so powerful that it threw him from the bed, and all Nick could do was stare up at Alex, still bleary-eyed. A haze of light surrounded his boyfriend, and Nick couldn’t help but gaze in awe at the sight.
“You had a nightmare?” Alex helped Nick up and watched as he groggily crawled back onto the bed.
Nick nodded and blinked some tears out of his eyes. He grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around himself.
“Alright… I’ll be here if you need me,” Alex turned off the bedside lamp and climbed back into bed next to Nick.
Not even twenty minutes later, Nick was back in the same nightmare, this time with his face on the concrete, trying his best to stay conscious. He could feel the blood pooling under himself. “Lukas,” Nick gasped out, seeing a figure a few feet, or meters, or kilometers away. “Lukas—”
Nick wanted to drag himself onto the pavement, to make it to get some medical attention, to get patched up and go home like nothing ever happened. But Lukas wasn’t there yet.
Upon hearing Nick calling for help, Alex shot up from his half-asleep state. “Nick?” He saw Nick thrashing and writhing next to him, and gently shook him to wake him up.
Even after he opened his eyes, Nick was still calling for Lukas.
“Nick, please, it’s just me,” Alex whispered, brushing Nick’s hair out of his face and trying to calm him down.
Nick blinked a few times, “Alex.”
“You’re alright.”
Nick rolled back onto his side and pulled up the blankets around himself again. Alex wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, squeezing him reassuringly.
"Do you want to call him, Nick?" Nick craned his neck to look at Alex and nodded.
Alex reached over to the bedside cabinet and grabbed Nick’s phone. He searched for Lukas' number within it and then handed the phone to Nick as it rang.
Lukas answered on the eighth ring, each one causing Nick’s heart to beat faster.
“Hello?”
“Lukas? It...it’s Nick.”
“Nick?” Lukas said, his voice heavy with sleep. “Wow, it’s great to hear your voice. Is everything alright? It’s so late…”
“It’s only one in the morning here, I—”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Are you ok?”
Nick smiled with a touch of relief, and Alex noticed him relax a little. While Alex was glad that their conversation was going seemingly well, he was still furious at him; why hadn’t he come to Glasgow, or even sent a text asking how Nick was doing?
“I’m ok now. What… what have you been up to?”
Alex wanted to shout down the phone: where the fuck have you been? What the fuck have you been up to while your brother was on his deathbed?
“I’ve been working a lot, doing band stuff… I’ve... I’m just busy, really.”
Alex could tell what Lukas had said based on the way Nick’s body had sunk back into his former crumpled position, a frown returning to his pale face.
“I miss you,” Nick blurted out after a few moments of silence, “I want to see you.”
“Nick, I told you when you left that I probably wouldn’t be able to visit.”
Both brothers were silent for what felt like a lifetime, except for the occasional, almost muted sound of Nick trying to stifle his tears, which Lukas could hear.
“But, I suppose a lot might have changed since then.”
Nick’s ears pricked up at his brother’s words, unsure of what he meant by this. The continued silence was too painful to bear.
“Still there, Luk?”
“Yeah, sorry.” Lukas sighed, and continued his silence for a moment more. “You’re in a band now, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Nick responded, “we haven’t practiced in a while, considering I was nearly dead, but…”
Nick paused as he realized what he had just said. All he could hear on the other end was a sharp intake of breath, then silence.
As Nick tried to think of something else to change the subject, Lukas finally broke the silence.
“Would you guys like to come to Munich to open for my band? Are you feeling well enough to?”
“Yes, absolutely,” Nick answered without even thinking, “we’d love that.”
“Fantastic! Can you come over in a couple of weeks? On the 15th? It’s at…”
“Lukas?” Nick didn’t understand his brother’s silence. “Are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. It’s at Das Haus. Is that ok?”
“Of course! I’m so excited, Luk! It’s been so long since--”
“Me too, Nitzki. I need to go to sleep now, but I promise I’ll call you again very soon.”
“Ok, goodnight Lukas. And… I can’t wait to see you.”
“You too, Nitzki. I’m… I’m really glad you’re ok. Goodnight.”
Nick grinned from ear to ear as he told Alex of Lukas’ proposition.
Alex couldn’t help but smile back, but inside he felt uneasy. He didn’t trust grand gestures, especially when they were made by people who had proven to be unreliable. To himself, Alex swore that if Lukas hurt Nick at all, he would live to regret it.
--
Although Paul wasn’t even ten feet away from him, Bob felt alone.
Why won’t he sleep with me?
Bob sat up in the midnight darkness, knowing that he wouldn’t fall asleep. He saw Paul’s floppy mop of black hair poking out from the blankets on the other mattress on the opposite side of the room.
He slept with me for a whole month, and now… Bob sighed as he gently pushed back the covers.
Bob decided to leave his bed for the living room, and upon standing up looked back at the pride flag hanging above his bed. Usually when he saw the huge flag that took up half the wall, Bob felt grateful. He was proud of himself for finally gathering the confidence to come out to the world, albeit slowly. However, whenever he spotted the flag as of late, he mostly just felt upset. When they gave him the flag, Bob’s parents had seen him and Paul as a perfect, happy couple. A couple that went on dates and called them dates. A couple that cuddled and kissed and got along.
Bob couldn’t understand why Paul would kiss him and hold him some days and not on others, and he certainly couldn’t fathom why that was as far as they had ever gotten.
He sleeps with Dino, so why not me? And we’re so much closer than he and Dino are… At least I think so…
Bob quietly crept out of the bedroom and began to tiptoe his way to the living room, until a wave of anger washed over him. Why should I do anything for him? He resumed his way to the living room, almost stomping his feet as he went.
Bob threw himself down onto the sofa in a huff and crossed his arms. Why doesn’t he want me like that? What’s so fucking special about Dino?
His anger turned into rage as his mind dwelled on Paul and Dino together, doing things with each other that Bob wanted to do with Paul. He couldn’t get the image of the two of them together on New Years Eve: the way the two men danced together, gazing into the other’s eyes, grazing body parts against body parts...
He grabbed a cushion from the sofa and threw it as hard has he could across the room. It bounced off the wall and landed on a sleeping Alvy, who, rudely awakened, let out a confused yelp. Alvy then jumped out of his bed and ran around it in rapid circles, barking furiously at the intruding item.
Bob tried in vain to calm his furry friend, who only ceased his barking when Paul stumbled into the room and switched on the light. Alvy stared at the cushion, confused, then returned to his bed, using the cushion as a pillow. Bob looked over at Paul, who was wearing only his pajama bottoms; Bob couldn’t help but stare at the dark-haired man’s naked torso, admiring the way shadows emphasized the angles of his body, every rib, his hip bones… He’s so beautiful. I hate him.
“Bob?” Paul’s croaking voice brought Bob back to reality. “What are you doing up? Is Alvy alright?”
“I couldn’t sleep, and yeah, he is. I just, uh, accidentally stepped on his tail. He’s ok now, though. Sorry we woke you up.”
“Ah, that’s ok, pal. Was just worried about Alvy.” Bob internally winced at Paul’s final word. Pal. Is that all I am to you?
Paul, too tired to notice that anything was the matter, yawned and rubbed his eyes. “I should head back to bed. Are you coming?”
Bob hesitated before answering, afraid to ask what he really wanted to. Paul, while waiting expectantly for a response, finally recognized that something wasn’t quite right. “Bob? Are you ok?”
“Yes. Yeah, I’m fine.” Bob had no idea how to honestly answer that question without sounding pathetic, but was desperate enough for human contact that he decided it was worth the risk. “Could you… Please could you stay with me tonight? In my bed? Or yours, I don’t mind.” The words tumbled out of Bob’s mouth faster than he could stop them. “We don’t have to do anything, I just want to be with you tonight… if that’s okay.”
It was Paul’s turn to hesitate, only for a few seconds. He reached out his hand to Bob, who took it and followed Paul to the bedroom.
Paul took them to Bob’s bed, and lay down first. Bob lay on his side next to him, unsure of how close he was allowed to come, but Paul wrapped an arm around Bob’s shoulders with one arm and brought his body closer with the other. Bob savoured this moment and tightened the embrace, wrapping his own arms around Paul’s waist and nuzzling his face into Paul’s neck; it felt like heaven when Paul let him get this close.
It wasn’t long before Bob heard a faint snoring next to his ear. I suppose our chat will have to wait. Again.
“You told me you loved me,” Bob whispered to Paul, stroking his hair as he slept, “do you?”
Bob sighed and tried to finally get some sleep himself. He had so little time with Paul -- between their differing schedules and Paul’s emotional unavailability. They could have dinner together, some nights, if Paul wasn’t off running errands for a friend, or fixing something, and coming home with 150 pounds and a smile. Or maybe they could sit on the sofa and watch whatever cheesy game show was on as Bob worked on his homework and Paul did… whatever he did. At the moment, Bob wanted to savor every moment, stay up forever just enjoying the feeling of finally being in Paul’s arms, but he couldn’t. He had class the next day. Photography. With Alex. Bob needed to sleep. When he eventually did, still in Paul’s embrace, Bob dreamt of his sort-of-but-not-really boyfriend and all the things he wanted them to do together, his heart heavy even as he slept.
