#allisonsong

[hellohello-kittykitty]

🌊😘*☢️pratty walk where i keep teasing you to hold my hand (and then refusing),🫨EVEN🫨during the safety parts like crossing the street☢️*😘🌊

🫨🚼😵‍💫*squirms away when you try 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨patiently👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 to check my pullup at home*😵‍💫🚼🫨

🧏🏼‍♀️No Daddy, No Mommy🧏🏼‍♀️:

🙇🏼‍♀️😰👶🏼I'm a big girl pullups person today and that means👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨i'm tOO big for diapey checks👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩because😵‍💫I don't need them no matter what because grownups don't and that's what i am too😵‍💫👶🏼😰🙇🏼‍♀️

[hellohello-kittykitty]

Hey everyone,

I just want to let you know that I started taking food and water again yesterday morning; i started getting too weak to stand w/o blacking out and, after finding something inside of myself, i decided I wanted to help myself.

I've been really weak since: it's not trivial to rehydrate/refeed after that many days, and it's taken a lot out of me (i also worked my online job, which was 2x tough, and did taxes, 3x tough). Sorry for the late, non-detailed, update: i'll prolly add more here later.

****

More Added Here Later:

It was pretty much what it was: my first serious suicide attempt. I was really ready, and I still don't know the exact thing that changed me out of that deep stupor: it was intense, and I was getting a lot sicker than I was realizing. I spent 2am-6am frozen face down on the couch, time-in-which it felt that long, but also like 15 mins, and also like always: it really was like a *stopping* in that gap.

As soon as I got up it was weird: my vision was narrow and fuzz, and when I got to the water faucet it took all of my *magic* to not pass out. In fact, i fell to the ground right when i got a bottle filled and drank; still woozy-ing out, i crawled to the fridged and pawed quarter a bagel. All i could manage was to crawl to the living room, where i chewed and drank in the fetal position for *some time*. I fell back asleep on the couch until I had therapy.

I felt crazy sick that day, worse than my worst hangover: i felt so weak. I didn't pee-pee till the next days despite drinking 3-4 L of fluid. Even that night, i still felt not totally in control of my health. The next day was near-copy, except I ate more and #shortwalked and increased the water/home-electrolytics ratio; today, my head *doesn't feel* like the worst hangover, just hungover.

I actually was tracking the medical progression using AI and *a little robo-birdie told me* that, Monday morning at 7am ET, i may have had a 30%-40% chance of immanent death, and that if I hadn't course corrected that number was 60%-70% by Monday afternoon. Scary, bc it feels exactly what my body was telling me ("no more than 25 hours left in life on this path from Monday 12am onward"). The robos are helping me recover, and today i feel person-ish again; still, I feel so weak, it's a constant reminder....

....that I didn't do it, which is astounding really. I had a lot of reasons not to and I feel like they all contributed but...i still don't know *why* or *what* or *where* the "get up, come back" call came from. I considered all my Earthly loves and all just seemed better off without me, like ending was my greatest act of love for them. I was also hallucinating pretty vividly Sunday night, so it wasn't direct-communication with the stars/universe/god, or whatever, that happened and I already gribbled my slice of Hell. I think it was just culminating all of you, and my local universe, and all of those flattering potentials seen, and still finding someone that I wanted to live for someone else: me? Or, my self as someone I want to Be: I want to be that Be, as I am, withing those other beings-to-bes being my Be. Maybe? It's still something I don't know because that was a fast, and slow, time for me I have a hard time remembering and find impossible to forget.

Sorry for *more*, but I just wanted to be the data-trail maybe such a system-shocking swoop could be for others: don't close towards destiny, especially at endings you find predestined. Instead open towards possibility: you may find the questions leading to beginnings you later see as unavoidable.

Always seek the help you need, especially your healthcare professional, in the case of an emergency. I can't stress enough the necessity of my medical support (this blog and everyone I leaned on, my therapist, my family, and aiMD diagnostics) in my recovery, and how critical each and every single leg of that table was in my own successful recovery: it was exceedingly dangerous, and my limited resources and compounding disorders would have made anything less probabilistically deadly.

****

Thanks so much for all you all do for me: i mean that. This blog was the final string holding me to the earth, in the end, and I feel so blessed to have the opportunities this blog continues to give me (namely, my connection to all of you, and my own life).

If this blog had not been here and active, neither would I. 💕Thank you so much, Tumblr, for letting me live my little life through this community here💕

Thank you for being here,

😘Ally😘

[hellohello-kittykitty]

My kitty suddenly experienced paralysis in her tail, bowels, and bladder after using the litter box at 4 am yesterday.....and we're really riding the wave of all of this still. She's been on a strong steroid since this afternoon, and we really need this to work.

I'm sorry to disappear, to all whom I apparently did:🫥*we really need this to work*🫥

[hellohello-kittykitty]

I met somone last month who was really cool, and who really liked me: they asked me out because they thought I was cute.

We went on (4) dates, which were my first romantic irl dates in 14 years; they were the first times I felt like a proper human being, with blood and bones and warmth and everything. I had my first orgasm around another person with them; they're the first person to give me a birthday date (in the park, where we had a picnic and flew kites). I wanted to tell them "I ❤️❤️❤️❤️ you".

They told me they know they can't be with someone into ageplay, and that our romantic relationship must end. What they don't know is that this is my end. I would have gone to the ends of the earth with her, but now I understand that I just need to be gone from the earth, that this is the end.

I haven't eaten since Wednesday, 4/9, my birthday. I ate leftovers from our picnic and I think that sounds like a great last meal to me: I'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible. I've stopped drinking water and taking diuretics: at least then I can stop shedding tears.

💌To my final You(s):

🐠I'm sorry I ruined something important, again.🐠

❤️Please remember it's about the memories we make, not the memories we lose; in that way, ABC always lives in/fo(u)r D❤️

🌌💕😘🐦And, to my one and only Bird: I'll always love you Bird-let: I hope now you can be finally free of my burdens and get to fly far without my worries🐦😘💕🌌

💜👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩And to my last people in the world, all the people on this blog,👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

I'm so sorry to let this community down; please do your best to remember the happy, innocent life I tried to bring to the world through here. Please use whatever hope I had, where you can when you need it as you do.

Or don't, it's ok either way. You are all such special people: please keep finding each other and filling the cracks (or, cribs) of emptiness in the lives of others. I'm so proud to have been a little: I brought my littletude into every aspect of my life and it was the most rewarding choice I ever made. I regret nothing: bringing my authentic, open, naive self to the world was brave and it gave me opportunities I never would have dreamed of. It's unfortunate the world (in *so, so, so* many more ways, convergent on now, then just Her) hurt me for understanding who I was, but it's more fortunate that I (and we) finally did find my(/our)self(s). Please remember:

"Life is about the memories we make (in the times we're bounded by), not the memories we lose (by the bounds of our time)."

I love you all from the depths of my soul.💜

💔Here's to being forever free from being broken and free from the pain of breaking,💔

😘Love,😘

Ally

💌

[hellohello-kittykitty]

Ally is just a big adorable baby. Crinkling all the time and waddling at most. Probably should be crawling instead. Much safer

❤️🧏🏼‍♀️

This lady SUPER definitely is&is&is&&&DEFINITELY should be.

⚡We could definitely open this discussion up, there is a lot here: why *is* nobody conditioning me to be a crib-crawler 24/7? 🦺This is a safety issue people: there is an *Ally-grade baby* WALKING&TALKING&OPTING around the adult world without anyone around to make me crawl, and gurgle, and flop from grownup-to-grownup in swaddled coddling instead.⚠️Can you even believe I'm regularly making choices for myself, including those wayWAY beyond capability choices such as "hungy?", "UHOH-pottY?", "Blankie vs. Bear?", & "MILK!"?⚠️🦺⚡

We live in a ridiculous world, folks, and certainly this annonymous ask highlights a more ridiculous part of it: why is nobody making sure I'm crawling 24/7 until I forgets how to use my wibble-wobble toesies???

🧏🏼‍♀️❤️

[hellohello-kittykitty]

I'm so so so so so so SO super glad you're feeling better! (I missed everything that happened cause I'm not on tumblr that much)

Hiiii, thanks.🙂🙂 I'm trying my best, and most days i've been OK.

I really don't want to be a worry, I'm so sorry: i try to keep my blog about being the silly sweet me i love to be. I just have such a hard time dealing with all my big girl feelings, especially recently. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I hope you're doing really well; you're a cool person, btw🧏🏼‍♀️👋🏼😊👋🏼🧏🏼‍♀️

😘

~Ally

[hellohello-kittykitty]

...🥱😵‍💫👶😵‍💫🥱...

...🙊...😆PeePee🫠UckY🫠MommY!😆🙊

🖐️😍.....Uppies????❤️👩‍🚀❤️😍🖐️

[hellohello-kittykitty]