#ally advice

[uncanny-tranny]

Periodic reminder that unless a person specifically and clearly tells you it is okay to tell others they are trans or queer, you should err on the side of caution and assume they do not want you to tell people (especially random people!) about their transness or queerness.

You have no idea, generally, why somebody doesn't talk openly about their trans or queer status, and you have no idea, truly, how somebody might react to that information. The most progressive person out there is still capable of harbouring incredibly negative thoughts about somebody's queer status.

[qandgay]

I've searched every corner of the internet to try to find an answer, and can't find one, so here we are. I use "bro" and "dude" literally all the time, and I'm friends with nonbinary people so that makes them uncomfortable, can you help me find some gender neutral words to replace those please???

i personally use "homie" a lot!! you can also use "bestie" if you're feeling that vibe, or "everypony" if you wanna give people whiplash

[ace-and-aro-wlw-positivity]

Hello idk any blogs to ask this to so its be off topic. My friend came out as nonbinary and Im worried that i still view them as the gender i thought they were and im not sure how to extract that idea. i dont know what to associate nonbinary identities with in my head. i have male and female frameworks but thats it. I want to get my concept of gender past this and i dont want to disrespect my friend by thinking of them in a way they dont identify but i dont know how to do that. Any advice?

Hi Anon, I’m actually going through the same situation with two of my closest friends (one of which I’ve known for over 10 years). It can absolutely be challenging to change associations in your brain, but you can rewire your brain with practice and repetition.

For me, one of the most challenging parts was getting used to saying their pronouns (out loud, in particular. I did okay with text). One thing that helped me is saying out loud sentences using their pronouns whenever I messed up, and sometimes just for practice. My friends understand when I make mistakes, and prefer that I ask them questions rather than guess or theorize.

If you want to know more about how your friend specifically sees their gender, perhaps ask them if they would share more with you. For example, one of my friends describes their gender as butch. It can be tricky since nonbinary isn’t a third gender, it could mean an infinite number of things to the people that use it.

In conclusion, actively work on making correct associations, and ask questions when you are confused. If your friend does not want to discuss their gender with you, educate yourself with other sources. Here are a few for reference:

Understanding Non-Binary People: How to be Respectful and Supportive

Non-Binary Identities 101 - with several other helpful articles linked

10 Ways to Step Up as an Ally to Non-Binary People

I hope this helps, and anyone can feel free to add on!

-Mod Amelia

[bloggingbisexually]

When a bi person comes out to you

Don’t: say “oh really?” in a suggestive manner. Do: say “okay, cool.”

Don’t: talk about your friend and his bi girlfriend and how they cheated on each other with Gal Gadot when they saw Wonder Woman. Do: say “okay, cool.”

Don’t: tell them about the time you questioned your sexuality and fooled around with your bi friend of the same gender. Do: say “okay, cool.”

Basically folks, don’t make someone’s coming out all about you. It’s their moment so don’t be an ass about it. Coming out literally never ends and no matter how many times a person comes out, it’s still their moment and nobody is allowed to take it away from them.

[uncanny-tranny]

The weirdest thing I see cis people do is misunderstanding how trans labels work so for any cis person who may need this...

Trans man, trans male, transmasc, or other variations of transmasculinity refers most typically to a person who is transitioning towards masculinity in identity, not away from it. A trans man would be a person who is transitioning towards manhood, for example (such as a person who is FTM).

Trans woman, trans female, transfem, or other variations of transfemininity refers most typically to a person who is moving towards femininity in identity, not away from it. A trans woman is transitioning towards womanhood.

There will always be exceptions to these guidelines, however, I find that cis people often mistakenly apply incorrect labels because they are trying to communicate what they think a trans person's assigned gender/sex is. The trans community will focus on the current identity one holds to communicate who we are. I am a trans male because I am bother trans and male and because it is my current identity, if it helps you understand.

[uncanny-tranny]

One reason you might not be very "good" about a trans loved one's pronouns or the language you use for them might stem from memorizing what they want, rather than actually changing how you view them.

For instance, my trans friend came out rather late compared to me. However, since internalizing that I wasn't really correct about who she is, because she's a woman and I didn't know that, it was instantaneous to refer to her by her name, to use language that accurately reflects her instead of what I thought she was.

When you actually internalize that a loved one is actually this way instead of what you thought, it makes it so much easier to truly and actually change your perspective on them.

In short, are you memorizing who they are, or are you actually learning who they are?

[uncanny-tranny]

I think every trans person needs at least one cis person who just Gets It; they don't need you to get in the nitty-gritty if you don't want, they'll be receptive to name or pronoun changes, and overall, they just want a relationship with you, not a shitty cardboard cut-out in the general shape of you.

It's my challenge to cis people to be that one person to a trans loved one. We get you might never understand on a deep way, and that's okay, you don't have to. Just be that person a trans person would be safe with. That will do so much more for your relationship with that loved one than almost anything else.

[uncanny-tranny]

There's a stereotype that trans people are so insecure in our genders that we require a ton of affirmation in who we are, but as I transition more and more, what I found is this:

While this is a stereotype, trans people aren't unique in this. Cis people also do the same, and many cis people do want affirmation in their genders by others, and by themselves. Us trans people are simply put under the spotlight for a variety of reasons, which means that our actions are under scrutiny. Cis people, you aren't immune from wanting to be affirmed for who you are, and it's not an indication that somebody isn't the gender they say they are because they want affirmation.