Discover Top Posts Tagged with #also popcorn

MTIJ | Ch.21 You Want Commitment or Nah?

|mtij masterlist|

pairing: levi ackerman x reader (eren jaeger x reader)

word count: 9.3k

summary: a girl with a variety of hidden complexes has to live with a french asshole for nine months. easy? on the surface. problematic? definitely. romantic? not too much, or at least they’d make it a point to say so everytime when asked. the end? please, their dynamic isn’t as simple as that.

A relationship was like a story. A typical one had a beginning, middle and end. A good one could leave you emptily staring at the wall, or crying from either joy or anguish. You wouldn’t know what to do after a good one. You’d feel lost and gratified in a very weird way, but the latter would settle in after the former had dissipated. A good one left you rendered speechless, thinking, comprehending, processing the finality of everything. You’d only pray for another good one afterwards.

This was a good one. In the bad sense. It ended on June 13th.

It was Sunday, four days prior to the end of May and twenty-five before the longest day of the year. My morning began with a rap to my door. I bolted upright and rubbed my eyes and my phone told me it was noon. I rushed outside, aware our house wasn’t old enough to be haunted by poltergeists and if so, Levi had to be back with my father. Not only, I realised on my way down the stairs, when the ebony-haired intern put a stern index finger to his mouth to shush me just as I was about to call out to him. A closer look at my surroundings enabled me to realise why that was. My mother was passed out on the couch, face buried in the cushions, and my father was dozing off on the counter with his own visage stuffed into his folded arms. How cute. Sometimes, I doubted what they had was true love, but these kinds of situations always made me nod along in silent acknowledgement that, yes, they were made for each other. If they could withstand sleeping in such uncomfortable positions, they could withstand anything.

I was smiling and Levi beckoned me to the front door, where they’d left all their luggage before finding their respective rest spots. As the only standing inhabitants of the house, the intern and I were the ones who handled all the bags and suitcases; we tiptoed up and down the stairs until all the belongings were tucked by the king-sized bed in my parents’ room, then the raven made himself a cup of tea and me – a cup of coffee. I quietly led him to the backyard, where he leaned against the glass door after I’d slid it closed and I sat on the ground, staring at the rose bushes and the empty pool. I didn’t bother asking him how it had gone – my father would’ve gone berserk on his way inside the house if it hadn’t gone well. He didn’t bother asking how I’d been the past few days either, seeing as he was almost entirely too tired to speak. Which was exactly why he’d barely finished half his tea when I began beating around the bush in order to slowly coax him into going to his own room.

He dodged the topic five times and protested the other ten until I was forced to threaten with knocking him out – with how wobbly his legs seemed, a simple slap might do the job. It didn’t get to that because he buckled just in time and, in all honesty, I wouldn’t have gone through with it but I might have tried to physically drag him upstairs, which might or might have not worked. Either way, I did have to push at his back when he hesitated at his doorstep and when the door closed after him, I stood guard for five minutes with my coffee still in my grip till I made sure he wouldn’t attempt to escape. When I checked on him five hours later, softly opening the door without knocking, I saw him fast asleep in the clothes he’d come back home with. My lips pursed and I withheld from waking him, then I went outside and got myself a slight tan by reading in the backyard until my mother opened the sliding door and asked why I was there.

The food was ready at seven, the family had gathered, changed clothes and grabbed their utensils at eight-thirty and dinner was done at nine sharp. It felt good to have them home, to listen to the clatter of dishes in the sink as Levi washed them, to see from the corner of my eye my mother making trips to and fro her art room and to hear the faraway sound of my father leafing through the papers in his office. It felt good not to be alone even when the ebony-haired menace went upstairs for his shower and used my conditioner. He could use it all he wanted if it would keep him here.

The first day of June. Summer had officially started and I’d spent the last two days with my best friend – the first we talked, the second we acted and on the third, well, on the third we talked again. We were sitting at the table in her kitchen and her father was at work, which just meant in the garage, fixing cars for his clients. The three-day period of us being glued together was needed for a task we’d figured we’d handle back at the beginning of May. It was what we’d also often discussed afterwards whenever we saw each other – namely, applying to universities. In our case, the situation came down to pros and cons and, naturally, preferences. Annie wanted to stay close to her father and I hated change, so I chose to stay in the city as well, which narrowed our options since there were universities close to Philadelphia, but none inside the borders of it. So we picked our praised community college instead and signed up for the courses that interested us.

Community college was better for a lot of reasons. First, I’d still live in the house, contrary to moving into a terrible dorm with bad maintenance and random roommates. Second, the building was closer than our high school had been, which meant I could drive there, catch the bus there or, depending on my lectures and seminars, walk on foot there. Third, it was cheaper than a university, which was also the reason my parents might look down on it. Still, more expensive didn’t necessarily mean better quality. Fourth, with my grades and SAT score, I was sure to get a scholarship. Fifth, a community college was the last place Hitch Richards would set foot in, meaning it would officially rid me of her presence. Sixth, it would keep me inside my comfort zone. Seventh, my best friend would be with me even though she did plan on leaving for university after her two-year course was done while I, unbeknownst to all, did not plan such a thing. I’d rather take four years of two separate courses in my line of interest and aim directly for a job. A bit naïve, I was aware. But I was also a Raven.

“Did you tell your parents about it?” Annie’s question made my lips purse as I shook my head “no”. Her eyes widened in horror at that. I hadn’t told them because I feared the reaction I’d get. “You know they’ll freak if you don’t tell them soon.” Annie warned, making me sigh. I knew. My mother was keen on me taking up something artistic, like her – all because of that one competition I’d won a few years back. My father, on the other hand, had devoted the past seven years to grooming me into the art of being good with the workings of his company – from making me create the simplest of charts when I was eleven to making me handle his paperwork at sixteen and everything in between, including trips to his office so I could watch him work (kind of like a regular internship), which I more often than not spent bonding with his colleagues instead. It would be a knife in the back for both of them that I’d chosen something completely different.

“It’s not a big deal, Ann. It’s my life and the applications are already done. We’ll see the results in a few weeks. It’ll be too late to change my mind then, so they’ll be forced to accept it.” I argued with a roll of my eyes, making her snort as I sipped on my coffee. This had been my first unsupervised act of independence and nobody besides Annie knew. We were still in our pyjamas when she scolded me for being reckless, then proceeded to justify with herself that, at least, the community college wasn’t far or expensive or too drastic for my parents to panic over. “Yes. And I’ll be studying something I like.” Writing. I would like to write one day. Not because it would make money or because it was an art of self-expression. Just because. Just because reading had been my only company besides my best friend – so why shouldn’t writing be one, too? Not to mention, if I could make a friend for somebody else, I’d feel accomplished.

“It would be irrational otherwise. Just make sure to tell them. Or send the message through Ackerman and make him into a sacrificial lamb. I’ll keep you safe in the garage if they go berserk – it’s like a bunker. And you know my father saves up for the Apocalypse.” She could maintain the sombre expression for a total of five seconds before we burst out laughing simultaneously, doubling over and slapping the table. When we calmed down, I fixed her with a determined look and put a brave palm to my chest like a boy scout swearing to keep an oath.

“Thank you for the offer, Satan Junior, but I’ll feel better about myself if my choices don’t turn into consequences for somebody else. I shall not run from this.” My brave declaration was out in the open and my best friend’s blue eyes were pinned to my face. Again, the serious atmosphere lasted less than five seconds when we cackled a second time to the point our stomachs hurt. If this was how abs were made, I’d have a solid pack if I pulled my shirt up when we were done. I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie from the dish in the middle of the table when Annie was weakly chuckling and shaking her head.

“Bold words from a coward.” She made me glare at her, then a crumb of the cookie fell on my shirt and I awkwardly picked it up and licked it off my finger – by the time I looked back at my best friend, she’d switched gears and topics. “Did you know Jean’s going through with the fashion design?” My mouth fell open, making more crumbs spill. I was busy gathering them as Annie nodded along to my shock. “Yeah, he’s going to Paris. Mikasa told me a few days ago. She’s going to Germany with Armin. I think she mentioned Law and… Astrophysics?” I swallowed and my hand dropped limply on the table as my mind tried to process the information. Goodness. I’d shared classes with future big shots.

“Does that mean we’re the boring ones?” I blurted out suddenly, making Annie snort in denial. “Fuck those guys. Big aspirations and all that.” I waved my hand around, then my best friend glared at me as though meaning to say our aspirations were equally big. “What? You want to tell me we’re the better duo? I’ll be writing lame poems and you’ll be studying the art of why everybody wants to fuck his mother.” She kicked me under the table but never opened her mouth to argue. Agreed then. There was a small silence and then I remembered the one person I couldn’t stop thinking about. “Anything about Eren?” My eyes darted up to meet hers and the blue was as icy as it was uncertain.

“You’re asking and you’re the one who usually knows, so…” She didn’t dare shrug but I could imagine her doing it. My gaze dipped to my cup and the more we thought, the more we frowned. Suddenly, the future wasn’t bubbly and bright and full of smiles. This had been the end of an era and the alleged start of a new one. Maybe in more ways than one.

It was the second week of June – exactly the 10th. Also, it was a Sunday. Maybe that was the more important part, seeing as mail came on Sunday and since it was usually not a significant part of the Raven family’s agenda, I was the one who collected it. It was always small white envelopes full of things my parents dealt with or cards from relatives who meant to brag about their trips as per tradition. This time around, all those small white envelopes were stacked on top of a big yellow one. There was the close of the front door, the sound of hands ripping paper and finally, a scream.

“Jesus Christ!” A joyful one nonetheless, coming right out of my own mouth. My eyes were glued to the first line, my father flinched from his spot at the counter, my mother dropped her glass with a curse and Levi almost jumped. My hands were trembling as my feet padded across the floor, slowly, blindly. I could barely hear my father scolding me for scaring my mother, who was currently crouching in order to collect the glass shards from the floor with Levi’s diligent help. And just when the raven coldly asked what the scream had been for, I looked up from the letter with a grin, fingers shaking and clutching the paper in excitement. “I got in! I’m accepted!” I squealed in exaltation, holding the letter poking out of the big yellow envelope with both hands for them to see. I got in. Nothing else mattered. This was the day I made myself proud. Then I realised it was too early to celebrate because my mother’s quirked brow and my father’s frown made my tongue tie in a knot.

“Accepted where?” My father took it upon himself to voice the unanimous puzzlement of everybody in the silent kitchen, confirming further the bad feeling in my gut. I hadn’t told them and now it was time for consequences. My features twisted in discomfort, then my lips parted, thousands of excuses sitting at the tip of my tied tongue. Not a single one dared come out. My father’s suspicious glare was like a dagger and my mother was slowly rising to her feet, broken glass filling her cupped hands.

“You got in where, exactly?” She joined the interrogation seeing as I hadn’t answered the first time around. Her fingers gently laid the shards on the marble and I took a deep breath, feeling not at ease. Usually, I would’ve turned to Levi for support, but I’d left him in the dark one for this one so I couldn’t. One of his pep talks would’ve been nice right about now. Even one of the philosophical kind. My eyes fretfully sought solace in the raven’s countenance, only to be met with a confused frowning statue. He was trying to figure it out, as were my parents. Maybe they had suspicions but they were waiting for me to confirm or disprove them. He was the first one to snort in acknowledgement. Seeing as I was cornered, I tried to be courageous because sarcasm was something that wouldn’t help me here… or something I’d be able to use.

“I might’ve… applied for community college… without telling you. About two weeks ago? And I got in.” My voice was by no means quiet because nothing could be quiet in a grave silence like this, but it was very uncertain and squeaky. I felt the urge to run. Out of the house, then out of the city, then out of the country. They were frozen in time and space for a little while – all but Levi, whose statue-like stance persevered willingly. This might’ve been the best moment for me to rush outside and reach Annie’s place before they broke out of their trance. My mother was the first to move. I twitched in mild fright and closed my eyes, squeezing them tightly in anticipation of whatever was to come. I was bracing myself, bracing myself, bracing myself… then her arms wrapped around me in a tight hug.

“That’s great, sweetie!” She exclaimed happily after parting from me, holding my shoulders and grinning. My eyes widened in surprise and I glanced over her shoulder at my father, who only put down his newspaper and sighed in defeat. His hand lifted and he ran it through his hair, shaking his head in the meantime. This was a look of resignation if I’d ever seen one.

“I knew you wouldn’t tell us about it. I just hoped I was wrong.” With a roll of his eyes, the announcement was there and so was the final verdict. No freaking out. No scolding. No lectures. Yet. Cue my dumbfounded expression. This had been the best outcome I hadn’t dreamed of living. Of course, there was something missing. My gaze darted in the direction of the ebony-haired intern whose visage was facing the floor as he kept collecting the remains of the shattered glass. Oh. This was… somewhat disappointing. My brows furrowed momentarily, then my mother squeezed my shoulders and dragged me to the counter, forcing me to sit down and prompting me to give them more details on the college I’d chosen. I omitted what my major would be and she made me a celebratory cup of coffee after pouring herself a new glass of water.

It took them a while to get used to the idea, mostly when I told my father I intended on taking up a summer job to pay for my own textbooks and, if possible, part of the tuition fees. He was strongly against it whilst my mother considered it a good opportunity for me to gain experience and distract myself from their absence. I led a long case of defence, adhering to uncle Jared’s teaching, that resulted in a victory against my father, who allowed the part-time job and declared he’d be taking care of everything else. It was settled since textbooks were pretty expensive nowadays. It was a Sunday but my father got a call from uncle Nick about a baseball game on a flat TV screen and my mother decided she’d go for cocktails with her colleagues. And just like that, it was seven in the evening, I made the popcorn and urged Levi to choose the movie. It was a reconciliation tactic and it worked because he was waiting for me on the couch as I switched off the lights for a cinema-like experience and put the bowl between us.

“I didn’t tell you because I wanted to do it on my own.” I blurted out during a scene that made both our faces scrunch up in disgust. Yeah, no, I didn’t like watching guts. This was one out of two advantages of lame horror movies – the only way they could evoke any emotion in the audience was through graphic images that didn’t frighten people – they straight-up repulsed them. The other advantage of lame horror movies – the storylines were always simple and predictable, which meant we could lead this conversation because we’d known for about ten minutes now that the blond chick and the jock would die while the others looked for a basement or attic where an old book would tell them how to kill the monster. “Should I have told you?” The inquiry made him huff and I knew he’d rolled his eyes even when mine were still on the screen. He was acting almost like an offended schoolgirl. As close to it as he could go anyway.

“I would think so, yes.” His voice was flat and pointed, meant to provoke guilt, and I saw with my periphery how he turned to face me. To regard him with the same amount of respect, I also turned and watched his sharp features. There was tension and then I asked the one question I hated most – why. His brows twitched as I quirked a challenging brow at him and reached into the bowl between us for a handful of popcorn I’d soon stuff into my mouth. His eyes clung to my gaze, even when I’d been pretty sure he’d get distracted by my movement. “Because you love to complain about these stuff. And I could’ve guided you through the paperwork.” My ring was burning up and thank god the hickeys had faded, otherwise they’d probably burn as well. I couldn’t help remembering, in moments like these, that night. The one good that had come from this particular bucket of bad was that I’d learned quite efficiently to mask I was thinking of it. It was a miracle that I could lead a conversation whilst recalling in relatively vivid detail how I’d been kissing the other participant.

“Now you’ll be guiding me through the process once the semester starts.” I reasoned calmly, making the raven huff. I could picture him biting on my neck and looking at me, and not seeing me at all, and I stuffed the popcorn I was holding in my mouth, making the corner of his mouth twitch when half of it fell on my shirt. “I’m sure I’ll be panicking the first day so that’s that.” My fingers began picking the deserters off my clothes, then putting them in my mouth. I was chewing and thinking about Eren – maybe I could call him later. I’d be happy to hear his voice and he might even tell me where he’d applied. I’d always known he’d wanted to go to Germany to study Computer Sciences but he’d mentioned nothing of his SAT score or his applications. If he got accepted, he’d be following his dream. If he didn’t, I was sure he had lots of options nearby. Some naïve part of me thought he might’ve also opted for our community college.

“Of course, you will, princess. I’m thinking I’ll just be a chaperone for all the parties you’ll be going to.” Levi’s words snapped me out of my thoughts and I got distracted, quickly forgetting about Eren whilst putting an offended hand to my chest and gasping fakely. One glance at the TV let me know the group of survivors had found a way to kill the monster but, of course, now came the part of the coward running off on his own. He’d die in the next few minutes. “You know more about them anyway. How many have you been to?” The raven’s eyes narrowed at my face and I huffed as we both reached into the bowl for more popcorn. Our conversation was obviously more entertaining than the plot of the horror movie playing. Thankfully, the cheesy moment of our hands touching inside the bowl didn’t occur. Why that was even portrayed as romantic in most chick flicks was a mystery to me – because our fingers would be too greasy for it to be cute.

“Like, five or something.” Counting back in my head, yeah, it was five… or something. “You’ve surely been to just as many, Mr Party Animal.” I mocked, amusement flickering along the edges of my smirk. He snorted, chewing on the popcorn and his other hand showed two fingers in the air. I chuckled at the sight, which wasn’t all too funny either way, but something about it was amusing. Maybe the fact he was such a tough mysterious guy but he’d only gone to two parties in his life, which was, by the way, longer than mine with three whole years. And, thinking of it, he was probably counting the party at Hitch’s mansion, too. Again, the memories came. Again, the sight of his jaw clenching and his Adam’s apple moving made my lips purse. Repressing the attraction wasn’t hard per se because I’d learn from my mistakes. Of course, it would’ve been better if I’d acquired this mindset about three weeks ago. Eren and I were done for. Of course, even if I went out of my way to pursue this attraction, it would end in disappointment. Kissing somebody who wasn’t kissing you never felt nice, did it?

“I find them… distasteful.” Like a sledgehammer colliding with my head, his spitefully bored voice knocked me out of the internal monologue. I snorted with laughter and nodded along, poking fun at the word and stating it was good to know he thought that way of parties. Almost like a child talking about broccoli. I watched him scoff while my donkey laughter was fading, I watched the narrow eyes and the cute upturn of his nose, and the angular jaw, and the thin lips. Pretty. Attraction wasn’t bad – only when I had a boyfriend. Attraction was bad now. Neither of us would be willing to make that mistake while sober. Neither of us wanted to, I was sure. Neither thought it wise, or good, or beneficial. Maybe neither of us thought it pleasant or desirable. Maybe not neither. Maybe just him.

It might’ve been then I saw his eyes dip. I was gnawing on my bottom lip. Had that drawn his focus there? Maybe. Maybe I should stop. I stopped. His eyes didn’t move. Was I leaning? I was sure I wasn’t leaning. No, no, I was leaning, I was leaning for popcorn. Popcorn, sure. Because popcorn was delicious and soft and not wrong at all. His lips were pursed and he was probably leaning in for popcorn as well. Yeah, sure, popcorn. His gaze moved from my lips to my eyes and a soul-piercing shrill scream echoed in the living room. Levi and I flinched in our seats simultaneously. I yelped in startlement and looked at the TV. The sole quality jumpscare of the movie. Sure, it had made me jump out of my skin. The ebony-haired male’s head was turned away and he was awkwardly coughing into his hand and I was clutching the armrest on my right with my free hand pressing against my heaving chest. I would’ve laughed if the prequel this hadn’t been us on our way to… eat popcorn, yeah, sure. Popcorn. What else would we be doing?

“Anyways.” Levi’s voice made me exhale as we both stared at the TV screen ahead, where the owner of the interruptive scream was getting brutally murdered. Yeah, get you some of that, bitch. You deserve it. My spiteful thoughts were accompanied by a glare aimed at the scene. “Congratulations. I didn’t think my princess would become independent so soon.” His hand was ruffling my hair and I was blinking at the screen in utter stupefaction. This was out of character. Maybe he was making up for the popcorn. Or maybe the scream had scared the indifference out of him. Either way, I shot him a glare at the possessive pronoun and proceeded to stretch my arm so my palm could weakly slap the back of his head in reprimand.

“Glad I managed to exceed your expectations, asshole.” I smirked when he glared at me for slapping him. “One would think you never care enough to bother having them.” I mocked with narrowed eyes, making him huff as he crossed his arms and his glare let up. Another advantage of lame horror movies – they always made more, so when the TV in front of us cut off with a black screen and rolled the credits right after a cliffhanger, we knew we were done for the night. But neither reached for the remote and I was expecting the witty comeback to my taunt. Except it wasn’t witty. Or a comeback. Rather a simple statement.

“One would be right for thinking that. Usually.” The addition right after the minimal pause made my smirk melt into a neutral expression. I rolled my eyes and his gaze was pinned to mine. The impenetrable wall looked just a bit weak right now. Maybe it was the lighting and the blue specks. My hands were holding onto the popcorn bowl and I was staring because, well, would you look at that, the new thing under the sun – he’d been pretty to me since day one. I might’ve thanked him. Another soul-piercing scream made us flinch – he whipped his head to look at the TV and my arms instinctively moved up in fright, bathing me in the remainder of popcorn that had been in the bowl I’d clutched harder in my moment of weakness.

“Oh, fuck this shit! Turn the goddamn TV off!” I cursed loudly, making him snort as we watched the screen with wide eyes, only to see the promo for the sequel. Obviously, announcing the title of the second movie along with the one sound that was capable of startling people out of their boredom had been deemed a good marketing technique by somebody. Fuck that. My chest was heaving and I was cursing under my breath and Levi pressed the “off” button on the remote before helping me gather the scattered popcorn. This would be funny to some. It wasn’t funny to me. But I’d calmed down by the time the couch and floor had been cleaned of the snack and when I was making my way to the kitchen to leave it on the counter for either of my parents to eat if they so wished, Levi didn’t come along and I could finally allow myself a proud smile. And so, Sunday came to a close. A rollercoaster if there’d ever been one.

June 13th wasn’t a special date in my book. A normal work day, which meant there was a rap at my door in the early morning even though I woke up at two in the afternoon. The date would’ve been special only because it meant summer and with summer came the heat. Also, there came an empty fridge for me to fill since I was also the unofficial cook of the household. And by household I meant the very iconic trio of me, myself and I, with Levi as the occasional guest star on the show. It was time for late lunch but the only lunch I could make out of the things I had were… eggs and water on the side. So then I had to get ready for shopping. I groaned whilst slamming the fridge closed and making my way upstairs. A giant Metallica shirt of Eren’s and a pair of neon green shorts later, I put on my earphones and jammed along to Dua Lipa on my way into my father’s office.

Rummaging amongst the paper-filled drawers didn’t make me nosey – it made me smart because I grinned upon fishing out the thing I’d been looking for – namely, Rolland Raven’s backup wallet. A man who separated business and pleasure like this was just begging for people to take advantage. My mother and I were the only people who knew either way, not to mention the man of the house earned the money and the women used it to keep the family from starving. It was only my duty to utilise this money for things that would fill the fridge contrary to my father wasting them to bet on horse races. Yes, he sometimes did that, too. A man of many faces and interests, truly. Also a man whose wide variety of flip-flops was arranged by the door since the summer season had come. I slipped into the yellow pair since it was smallest and slapped my way out of the house.

Sometimes being a rich kid and not thinking myself a rich kid had its perks – like making the old man walking his dog on the sidewalk gape at my crackhead attire as I walked out of one of the nicest houses on the street. A sight to behold, I could bet. I could also not care less, because this was a hot afternoon and I did not intend to dress for a banquet when I was just making a half-an-hour trip to the supermarket a few blocks down. I was suffocating despite being underdressed and sweating buckets by the first traffic light didn’t help. I only hoped I wouldn’t faint before arriving at the store. I was checking my phone for texts and my playlist was on shuffle; it was quite fitting that the cold wave of air would hit me straight across the face upon my entrance to the sound of Hallelujah. With my penchant for drama, I almost wished to drop to my knees and cry out in relief. Being a rich kid didn’t make me immune to the heat even though one of my etiquette lessons had been focused on how girls should never sweat. Crazy old lady, my teacher had been.

My shopping list was in the notes app on my phone and I was checking it every few seconds, building a recipe as I walked along the aisles. It took me about twenty minutes to stuff everything I needed into a shopping cart and head to the register. Now, in my role of the weirdly-dressed girl, I also received lots of looks along the way. Either because of the neon-green-shorts-black-Mettalica-shirt-yellow-flip-flops combo or because of the fact that once I’d unloaded all my purchases at the cash register, they spelled nothing short of the shopping list of a single mother with three kids. And I was in luck because this was my favourite cashier – not just because he was pretty but also because the business of customer service had not yet drained him of his energy to smile. Also because he was from the rare kind that helped me bag my purchases. I pulled one earphone out and let it dangle in front of me as he greeted me.

“You’re buying enough to cook a feast.” His voice was light and pleasant and his eyes were a bright blue. He hadn’t bothered with small talk till today and I’d often seen him on my shopping trips. In my role of an undeterred spoiled princess, I returned I could afford it, missing completely the part where my father was actually the one paying without his knowledge. One full bag, I took it from his hold and put it inside the shopping cart, then he hummed and kept scanning the items. “Good for you. You probably mind sharing with a poor guy like me.” My brows furrowed in mild confusion. He reminded me of somebody. As for sharing, well, if we were friends I might, but we weren’t so that was a “no”. Maybe Annie would laugh if I deemed this important enough to share with her because it would only go to show I really had no idea what flirting was.

“You’re not on the street yet but when you get there, you can call me.” I huffed and watched him smirk. It was a pity he was a low-wage cashier when he could pass as a male model on the street. Probably. Depending on how he dressed. He wasn’t quite as attractive as Levi but he was certainly up there – a lean guy with broad shoulders, bright blue eyes, black hair tied in a half-bun and tan skin was the dream for a fourteen-year-old girl newly entering the depths of what hormones did to the mind. And when he gave me a crooked smile, I realised who he reminded me of and why. Will’s boyishly crooked smile was like a trademark preceding a pick-up line and if I’d learned one thing from him, it was to recognise it in other people. The bullseye was hit when the cashier spoke.

“Does that mean I’m allowed to get your number now?” Yep, totally a flirt and totally smooth. I bit down on my tongue so hard I might’ve drawn blood. I was inadequate when it came to this and he might’ve noticed it, too, because he only handed me the other bag he’d filled and spared me some humiliation by going back to business. “The total for the feast you don’t plan on sharing with me is 67.23$.” I put the other bag in the shopping cart and hastily pulled my father’s backup wallet from my shorts. I couldn’t see a single reason this guy would want my number. Maybe the fit had drawn him in with promises of sophisticated allure. I handed him a hundred bucks.

“I have a boyfriend.” The stiff phrase left my lips while he was rummaging for my change and he only hummed along with a smile. I wasn’t so sure I had a boyfriend when I checked my phone every day and saw nothing from him. He hadn’t picked up or returned my call three days ago and I didn’t want to be too pushy, so I’d given him a breather. I’d given myself a breather, too, because I didn’t know if I’d be able to see him without remembering how I’d cheated and how I had to tell him as soon as possible so he could… well, probably break up with me because I’d betrayed his trust.

“That might change if you keep visiting the store.” The bright blue eyes were twinkling and his fingers brushed mine when he returned my change. No sparks, no reaction, no use. I bit my bottom lip and stuffed the change in my father’s waller before grabbing the shopping cart and gracing the black-haired guy with a smile.

“Unfortunately for you, today is not that day.” I didn’t know how to flirt but I did know how to shut people down. Hitch had made me an expert at that. I was walking away and he was chuckling. I glanced back and realised I hadn’t bothered to check his name tag. With a shake of my head, I left the shopping cart by the exit with the others, grabbed the bags from it and contemplated the weird exchange on my way back home. A chorus of angels sang inside my head when I kicked the door closed behind myself and dropped the bags on the kitchen counter. Three in the afternoon. I checked my phone and my eyes eagerly widened at the notification, only for my smile to fall the moment I read it. Levi would be coming home early today – fine with me. I could make dinner in advance. I was putting the purchases in the fridge, singing along to one of the songs I’d been obsessed with lately when the default ringtone cut it off. My brows furrowed and I checked the name on the screen – and I couldn’t even be mad because my boyfriend was calling me.

“Hey, babe. How’s it going?” I asked cheerfully, not considering for a second that my lucky bucket had been emptied a while ago – maybe around the time he asked me to prom. My guard was down and done for, my elbows were propped on the marble counter and I was smiling, and then his words made me stop smiling.

“(Y/N), we need to talk.” Eren’s voice was oddly hesitant, to say the least. He sounded like he was about to announce some big secret and taking into account this was the first time he was initiating any kind of talk made me more inclined to think this would be the end of this rough patch. Because we’d talk things out, but would we talk things out if he told me the truth when that meant I’d have to tell him the truth as well? Suddenly, I didn’t like this. So I only waited. Some part of me knew (he’s going to say it now it’s done for you did this) what this meant. The other part of me chose to ignore it. “I’m not sure how I should handle this. I’ve never had to do it, I never thought I’d have to do it either. I’m sorry I’m doing it this way. My plan didn’t work and all, so I have to.” He sounded nervous and confused, and I didn’t feel good about this. It was big and important because he couldn’t explain things straightforwardly and that made me afraid. No. Not afraid. Apprehensive. And still, very naïve and very dumb and very much pretending to be blind.

“I understood literally nothing, Eren. What plan are you talking about? And what’s this thing you have to do?” But I knew and asshole-me knew and Annie knew and I’d known half a month ago, but that didn’t mean I wanted to hear it. I headed for the staircase hastily, not feeling up to having this conversation in the kitchen. I hadn’t noticed that the hand clutching my phone was sweaty but I knew I was frowning. I was walking and my bare foot landed on the first step. He spoke.

“I’m breaking up with you.”

And I heard my heart crack.

“… what?” It fell out of my mouth numbly and fell at my feet. I was frozen and my brain was empty, my body was heavy and my eyes were wide and I probably had to get my ears checked but I knew I’d heard right. I’d heard right and it was for the best and it was what Annie and I had talked about and it was my fault and I’d told Levi it would happen soon but this was too soon. It was too soon and I was too unprepared.

“I was busy studying in April. My SAT score was good and I thought I’d get in where I’d always wanted to get in, so I devised this stupid plan to make you hate me so you could break up with me before I had to go.” His voice was weak and disheartened, and the word “Germany” shone like a neon sign inside my mind. I couldn’t talk. “Didn’t work obviously. I know my excuses were lame and vague and I treated you badly. I’m sorry. I’m at the airport now.” There was guilt piling up on my shoulders because he sounded guilty and regretful. I’d thought a while ago that I wanted him to say sorry. Now it was beating my pride into a bloody puddle. “I know you’re used to me being there. I am, too. It’s exactly why we can’t handle a long-distance relationship. Surely, you’re aware of it, too.” There was no air. There was no time to think.

“The fact I’m aware of it doesn’t mean I don’t want to try.” I spoke and it sounded like a croak because I couldn’t breathe. So this is what it felt like to have guilt eating away at my insides. Hadn’t happened till now. You want to try? Asshole-me’s voice appeared suddenly, making me step away from the stairs. You want to try when you know what you did? Long-distance takes patience, loyalty and honesty – all three of which you don’t have. Her voice made my head hurt and I ended up curled under the staircase by the closet, biting down on my lip as he argued.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). I know it’s hard, but we have to end things now.” Determination was voiced out hesitantly, almost breathlessly, uselessly trying to pull a cloak of finality over itself as I struggled to gather my thoughts. They were running around in circles and it was pathetic, more so than I’d ever been. I’d been taught that a Raven always had a plan. A Raven always found ways to spin things around to their benefit. A Raven always won but they had to accept defeat silently, humbly and never with a bowed head because they always had to be proud. I wasn’t a Raven then, because I was just a dumb little girl begging for a second chance before she could even beg for forgiveness.

“We don’t have to. You just think it’ll be for the best.” I defended restlessly, blind to futility’s presence inches away from me and its heavy chilling breath in my face. A breath that just went to mock my own inability to take one. And when he spoke (“Won’t it be?”) I found myself almost at a loss for words. His voice was firm and soft all at once and if we’d been kids, I wouldn’t have spared a second to make fun of how mature he sounded. He sounded like that because I’d spent the past two months obliviously living my life and beating myself down for the fact I’d cheated while he’d thought about this. He’d inspected each scenario and possibility and he’d decided this would be for the best. I realised, while choking on the denial-covered words spurting from my mouth, that I disagreed, just for the sake of disagreeing. “Not for me! I love you! You told me y-you’d be with me a-and we’ve always been together! There’s no reason to end it now!” I was stuttering, pathetic and uselessly trying (don’t let him end it please don’t end it I know you should I don’t want you to) to fight the inevitable. Maybe that was what made people human. Because what was more human than fighting against all odds? What was more human than trying again and again, and again, and again until success came knocking at their door? In contrast to the rest of my character – inherited from and formed by my parents – my stubbornness and determination in the face of defeat came from Eren. Because they were what I’d always loved about him, what had always made me respect him. Maybe it hurt he’d lost them now. Maybe it hurt they were nowhere to be seen when he’d been the one to show me one should always fight tooth and nail for what they wanted. Even if they’d never get it.

“We can’t be together forever, (Y/N). I wish we could. I don’t feel good about this either, but I’ve made up my mind. I want to study and be successful and I know you hurt but I---“

“You, Eren, are an idiot.” I cut off stiffly, hearing his breath hitch. I knew him so well I could imagine his face even when his voice tried its best to be deceptive. It hurt to imagine his face. “Your voice is trembling and I can hear you crying, so why are you doing this to us? We could’ve spent more time together if you’d told me earlier. I don’t want you to leave. We could’ve figured something out.” This was panic and guilt and knowing I should take this silently, humbly, because it was for the best. But I was too proud for that. I was too proud and selfish to just let things end when they should’ve.

“When we both know you don’t want to leave Annie and your parents?” The question struck a chord in me. Because this was about choices. The choices I’d made and the choices he’d made, both of which had brought us here. I’d made the choice to make him an inseparable part of my life and he’d made the choice to stop it, because it wasn’t good. Because we were dependent on each other. Because if the choice was everybody else or him, I wouldn’t know what to choose. If he were facing me, I would’ve cried, openly, unabashedly, like a child bawling over a scraped knee. The tears were pushing at the corners of my eyes and I wished he could be here so I could hug him and kiss him and wipe his face from the tears that were there. The only thing I could do right now was struggle to suppress my own.

“So I’d rather lose you instead?” My voice was weak and quivering and my shoulders were shaking with repressed sobs, then he argued that I hadn’t lost him as if that wasn’t included in the break-up package. I’d lost him because I’d been dumb and terrible and careless. “You’re breaking up with me!” My voice cracked and I could feel the first drops streaming down my face. Because I hadn’t told him, I hadn’t told him and I’d done it and I was at fault and if I hadn’t been so stupid and drunk--- Would things have not ended? “I have to tell you…” I trailed off slowly because there was no better time than now but the confession was stuck at the back of my throat with the apologies, with the pleas and the miserable excuses.

“I already know.” The statement was soft and quick, and it froze me in place, with the phone pressed against my ear and the tears streaming down my face. For a second, everything stopped. “I can guess at least. I saw at the Thinking Garden. I kind of did this to myself, so you don’t need to tell me and you don’t need to apologise.” My mouth hung open, quivering lips and more excuses, more confessions and I was choking on them. “About the one before that, too. Neither is why this is happening.” His voice was so soft and so sad and so so very heartbreaking. I was stuttering, scrambling for the right words and then the tangle came undone and it ruined me because why, why the fuck would he be this good?

“I’m s-so sorry, ‘Ren, I’m sorry---“ I cut myself off, I was sobbing loudly, crying and my free hand was clawing at my chest because it hurt so fucking bad I couldn’t bear it. “I love you, really, please.” But begging and pleading wouldn’t work. He knew better than to let them work. I wouldn’t hear his voice again. I wouldn’t see him again. I wouldn’t kiss him again. You don’t deserve it. The venomous comment made my eyes shut and my hand was trembling when I heard him utter a bitter “I know”. Everything hurt. “Don’t pull a Han Solo on me. Eren, please.” But it was too late now. It was too late and everything hurt.

“I have to go, (Y/N).” I heard people on the other side of the phone, shuffling and voices, and footsteps. The world around me had come to a prolonged halt. My face contorted in despair and I’d never pleaded this desperately until now. But it was too late. “I love you, too.” If somebody had once told me I’d hate those words, I wouldn’t have believed him. I hated them now. They hurt, too.

Beep, beep, beep.

He hung up and I parted the phone from my ear and stared at the screen through a blurred lens. The weight of the guilt crushed me and then came the realisation that I’d betrayed the one person who would forgive me for it, the one person who’d known and forgiven, and I’d even gone out of my way to doubt his feelings for me. I kept crying and everything made sense but I didn’t try to make sense of it. I didn’t know how long I’d sat there, wallowing in the self-pity I couldn’t feel and the finality of it all when the front door opened. Footsteps and the sobs subsided but the tears couldn’t stop even if I tried to will them away. But they shouldn’t have been there because they couldn’t fix anything. They couldn’t bring Eren back and make him change his mind and they couldn’t make him abandon his dreams for me. Tears were useless.

“What happened?” There was concern etched onto Levi’s blurry face. First time seeing me cry – must’ve been a wild ride for him. I couldn’t know and I couldn’t care and I couldn’t breathe. Everything still hurt. Under normal circumstances, maybe the concern – strong enough for him to break character – would’ve made me realise I’d been wrong in calling him a liar for saying he cared. But the circumstances were exceptionally terrible and everything hurt too much for me to think about anything else.

“H-he broke up w-with m-me.” I was still stuttering, still raking with sobs, still curled in the corner like I wanted to disappear. I wanted to. I choked on the simplest of words, almost fully certain that the raven hadn’t understood them. But then his features slacked in realisation and I saw his shoulders sag. He assumed a crouching position in front of me and stared at my face as I buried it in my knees and tried rocking myself back and forth. It didn’t work. The tears kept coming and I almost feared they wouldn’t go at all. I couldn’t see him and I couldn’t hear him. He wasn’t doing anything or saying anything and then, in the tense silence, I felt his hand on the top of my head while the other one gently grabbed my shoulder. “N-No need, asshole. G-Go.” I hiccupped and hated myself for it. He didn’t listen. This felt wrong.

“I’m not leaving, princess.” He settled next to me and I felt his arms wrap around me. He was warm but I felt cold, small and terrible. And after an hour of crying on my own, just ten minutes of his lips pressed to the top of my head and muttering it was going to be fine made the tears halt. My eyes were bloodshot and I refused to meet his gaze. He could feel I’d stopped crying and the storm had passed, but he didn’t move and I was limply resting against him, glaring at my knees spitefully. Because his fingers clearing the hair from my face were warm and soothing and I hated them for being so. I hated myself for letting them calm me, too. But he’d said everything would be fine. I’d said it, too, a while back. I wished I could believe it.

By the time my parents were back home, Levi had helped me make dinner that I didn’t attend. I went up to my room and lied on my bed and thought. I wanted to be reasonable. I wanted nobody to pity me. I’d brought this on myself. Life had brought this on me, too. Because living meant changes and changes meant bad things. Always bad things, so many bad and painful things. And most people were fine. I wanted to be fine, too. In the silence and the gloom, the clock stuck ten p.m. when I bitterly came to realise the one thing my selfishness had tried to disprove all throughtout. I didn’t want Eren back. Five years had been enough. The kisses and the happiness had been enough. The mistakes I’d made and the ones he’d forgiven had been enough. I wanted somebody I would never hurt, not somebody who would forgive. Because that just made me a terrible person and I didn’t want to be a terrible person anymore. I never wanted to feel this terrible again.

Relationships were like stories. They could hurt you and make you laugh and cry and they could take you away to a world of wonders so fascinating you’d never want to leave. In them, you could find love and change. But, relationships, like stories were made to end. There was always the point where you had to put them down and wonder what came next. You’d stare at the ceiling blankly and process, and pray. You wouldn’t know when you’d stumble across a good one again. Maybe you’d been ignoring it for a while. Maybe it was waiting for you somewhere. Maybe you’d picked it up and leafed through the first few pages and it hadn’t caught your eye so you’d left it for another day. Maybe you’d never find another good one. Maybe you’d be too proud to realise you’d found it.

A good story was like a good relationship – it changed you. This was a good one. But I was afraid of change.

tag list: @unloved-cadillac ; @donaldthrts

#also popcorn

Trending Tags

Recently Viewed Tags

#also popcorn