"I can't sleep" prompt (Alternate Max and Choe because we need more of them)
In which I experiment with an idea that has been marinating in my brain for a while: what if Alt!Max was the passenger in the SUV that totaled Chloe’s beloved hybrid? Takes place in 2011–I see alt!Max at this point as still being a little more like the Max we know from the main timeline, and I’d say something like this would really hit hard for any iteration of Max, be she alt!Max or main!Max. Chloe’s POV.
Chloe hates waking up these days to her immobile, numb body and the neck brace restricting any movement of her head. All she can do when she opens her eyes to the miasma of fatigue and a constant aching in her skull, is just stare at whatever happens to be in front of her or in her peripheral view. She doesn’t want to be alive, doesn’t want to live like this; she wishes–but does not say it aloud–to have died immediately in the crash. So she didn’t have to wake up in hospital, literally unable to move a muscle. So she didn’t wake up to her parents trying and failing to hide their tears of relief when she opened her eyes for the first time since the accident. At least the painkillers meant she hardly ever dreamed, and if she did, she never remembered them on waking up to the same white walls, the same machines attached to or stuck inside her, the same neck brace, the same everything.
She can’t feel any modicum of relief or happiness that her friends had come in to visit her in the hospital, or at the very least had sent her flowers and cards to the ward. It was nice, but what could she even do with them? And all the flowers and cards and well-wishers in the world would never help her move or feel anything below her neck ever again. What was the point? They were just sorry for her, sending cards with nonsense stuff like “Get well soon!” and “Hope you get better!” and “Thinking of you”. No one offered to help her with anything–any of her favourite music they could bring, along with an ipod and headphones? There was a tv in this room–what about her favourite movies? What she wouldn’t give for a rewatch of Blade Runner. Back to the Future would be nice, or even Groundhog Day. Just anything, anything to keep her mind off her now useless physical state of being.
If only Max was here–but Chloe hasn’t heard anything of her, not even a letter or card, let alone visit. She wanted to be angry at Max for never rushing to her side, just to be with her But she doesn’t have the energy to even summon any stronger feelings beyond disappointment. She’d forgive Max for not being here in a heartbeat if she ever visited her at all in the hospital. None of her friends mattered nowhere near as much as Max, who wasn’t even here, not yet anyway. She’d help Chloe with anything, surely, doing it in a heartbeat.
Please don’t abandon me, Max…
Chloe has long lost count of how many days she has been in the hospital, for each today that passes seems exactly like yesterday, and tomorrow would be the same. The only thing that really changed was the sky outside her window–rainy, overcast, sunny, or all three in one hour. The stars moved past her window as they always did, every night.
The mornings are the same, the afternoons, the evenings, the nights. Always.
Until she wakes up one late afternoon from yet another dreamless sleep, to see she is not alone on her bed–someone is sitting in a chair brought flush next to the bed, their arms and head resting up against Chloe’s side, carefully avoiding the IV line. She only needs to see the short brown hair to know it’s Max–her Max. Max Caulfield. Chloe’s mouth twitches into a very brief, faint smile, but it’s the first smile in days.
Chloe strains to say Max’s name, but for the trach newly inserted in her throat, connected by a tube to a ventilator. The neck brace wasn’t helping matters much either.
Max doesn’t move, doesn’t react. She may as well have fallen asleep right there in her chair, resting her head and arms on the bed.
A little groan. “It’s Max. You know that.”
Max falls silent, but a second later, her head jolts up, straightening her posture up enough to make eye contact with Chloe, whose smile faded before it even appeared on her lips at all.
Max looks terrible. Her hair, usually so tidy and cute in its bob style, is limp and looks like it hasn’t been showered for several days. Dark rings shadow the skin under her bloodshot eyes, and her face is so pale that her freckles look even darker than usual. Her clothes, usually tidy and ironed, look like they were fetched from the laundry pile, all rumpled and tired-looking.
“You look awful,” Chloe remarks.
Max slumps back on the chair, hands clasped together, shoulders hunched up and tense. She chews her bottom lip, looking like she’s barely holding back her tears.
“I can’t sleep,” Max mumbles, voice weak and so quiet Chloe had almost missed what she’d said.
It’s hard to talk, and it wears Chloe out to force her voice box to work, but she doesn’t care. Max is here, and that’s all that matters right now.
Max is quiet–too quiet–as she bends forward to rest her head in her hands, hair falling forward to cover her face.
What I’d fucking give to hug you right now. What the hell happened?
After what feels like a long minute, Max raises her head again, hands falling limp in her lap. Her eyes lock onto Chloe’s, gaze never wavering away.
“It’s…it’s my fault,” Max says in a monotonic voice, “But everyone keeps telling me it’s not.”
Chloe doesn’t have a good feeling about this. Nevertheless, she stays quiet, silently urging Max to continue. She can hear Max’s shuddering inhalation before speaking again.
“I saw everything. I was–” Max’s arms wrap tight around herself, hands gripping at her shoulders. “I was the passenger.”
“The SUV?” Chloe rasps, a flash of memory passing through her thoughts–the SUV out of control, ramming into the passenger side of the car, the shattering windscreen–
“Yes. I was–am–on a road trip with some friends, and our driver was an older cousin of one of them. Full license and everything.” Max’s fingers grip so tight on her shoulders, Chloe can see the girl’s knuckles turning white. “We ran out of snacks and…and I volunteered to go with my friend’s cousin for more from the grocery store.”
Chloe can already see where this is going, but she stays quiet, letting Max tell it at her pace, taking the time she needs.
“It was late, and there was barely any traffic–and she had to go and speed down the roads just because there wasn’t any cars. I’d–I should’ve done something, Chloe. I should’ve. If I’d have known–” Max’s words catch in her throat, and she squeezes her eyes shut for a few seconds before slowly opening them again. “Chloe…I swear, I never want to hurt you. Everything…it’s so fucking unfair. You didn’t deserve this–if I could–I’d do anything if it meant you…you could move again. But I didn’t stop her, and I–I’m…god.” Max’s hands convulse in her lap. “I saw you. It–I hate thinking about it.” A straggling inhalation, followed by an exhalation. “Chloe…I thought you were dead. I saw–I saw you. You were…” Max’s words fail her and she shakes her head, looking away, cheeks wet.
Fuck. No wonder she can’t sleep.
“There was…I don’t want to think about it.”
“I can’t! I close my eyes, and I don’t want to sleep. Because I know–I know I’ll see everything again. I don’t want to sleep. Ever again.” Max’s fingers rake through her limp hair, stilling on her scalp. “There was so much glass. So much blood. You were…I thought…your parents should hate me right now–but they don’t. They say–they say it’s not my fault. But Chloe, I can’t help thinking it. If I’d done something–”
Chloe’s forceful use of Max’s name shuts the other girl up, blue eyes locking back on hers.
Silence. Max’s eyes do not waver from Chloe’s face, but nor does she speak again.
“You weren’t driving…right?”
“You didn’t know what would happen.”
Another shake of her head. Chloe tries her best to smile, aching so much to get up and pull Max into her arms, let her cry into her shoulder, it’s bordering on torture.
“See?” Chloe wishes it wasn’t so hard to talk. “Not your fault. Mom and dad were right.”
“I wish I could believe that, Chloe.”
Max just stares down at her hands, looking, if possible, even more despondent than before. Chloe wishes she could move her arms, just so she can grab Max’s shoulders, shake some sense into her, make her see that no one held her to blame, believed her to be at fault. She wants to be able to walk, so she can grab Max and take a walk with her to the only actually decent cafe in the hospital, because she looks like she hasn’t eaten in days either.
Chloe might not be able to hold Max ever again, but still, she could think of the next closest thing. It wouldn’t be remotely the same, but still. If it gave Max comfort…
“Yeah?” Max’s voice is barely above a whisper.
She hesitates at first, a long moment passing before Max stands up, shaky on her feet, her hand reaching out to the side-table to stabilise herself as she shuffles up next to the bedside, looking down at Chloe with swollen eyes.
Chloe offered a small grin, gazing up at her friend. “Damn. You’re so much taller. That growth spurt finally came.”
Max looks down at her own feet, then back up at Chloe’s face. “Really?”
“I can’t hug you, but…” Chloe has to pause to rest her voice for a few moments. “Would it help if you…held me?”
Max’s eyes widen as Chloe’s words sink into her. “You sure?”
Several seconds of hesitance pass before Max carefully sits on the edge of the bed, facing Chloe, leaning to carefully tuck one arm under her shoulders, the other around her chest before resting her head on Chloe’s. Chloe closes her eyes, grateful she can at least feel Max’s warm, but still damp with tears, cheek on her forehead. She hears shoes tumble to the floor–one, two–before Max pulls up her socked feet onto the bed, so she is resting against Chloe. It’s not an easy feat by any means for them both to fit on the same bed, but not impossible. Chloe opens her eyes again, glances down at her feet under the blankets, at Max’s resting next to hers.
“Oh…still a midget,” Chloe teases in a whisper, “Thought you’d grown taller for a moment there.”
A muffled sniffle, a little noise that might’ve been the weakest of giggles.
Another moment, quiet and filled with the gravity of Max’s remorse and the grim state of her own body.
“Not your fault, Max. Not your fault.”