My 2023-2026 memoir
To Myself: April 09, 2026 A memoir that Amos Yee can never see
This week from March 30 to April 9 in 2026 I have been reflecting every day. I suddenly realized how extremely fragile the illusions I once obsessed over become when faced with a connection to a real person, even if that person is quite rotten.
If the 2026 version of me saw the YouTube channel “光暗杂学馆” today I might still be attracted to Amos Yee but I would absolutely not send him emails the way I did in November 2023. Even now I keep thinking about what kind of mindset I had back then that made me want to email him. Some things are hard to explain. If I had not had the eye-opening experience of meeting John Malkovich in 2025 I might still be in that clingy state whenever Amos Yee replied to my emails with sudden enthusiasm. Yet the one who suddenly pulled me out of seeing John Malkovich as a charming older male figure was Amos Yee of all people. The two are inseparable.
2023:
In 2023 while I was in University I became very interested in English especially after passing TEM-4 and preparing for TEM-8. In September I came across a video on the “光暗杂学馆” channel purely out of curiosity and gossip. The title was something like “Child Prodigy Turns into Registered Sex Offender.” The video introduced how Amos Yee went from winning awards for short films he wrote and directed at age 13 to being sentenced to six years in prison and labeled a sex offender. I watched it with complete fascination.
Although now I can barely remember exactly what I felt right after watching the video (I even went back to look at my old WeChat Moments and rewrote the content about him) maybe it was his appearance or just curiosity. All I remember is that I immediately started googling his name and binge-watching all his old videos. I regretted not discovering him earlier. By 2023 his channel had already been taken down (I even submitted a request to YouTube to restore it). I do not know. Maybe deep down I am someone who does not like walking the conventional path and loves breaking rules. That is why I am strangely drawn to people with strong personalities and rebellious spirits.
“Lee Kuan Yew is Finally Dead” was probably the first video I watched. As a naive girl I was first captivated by his American accent and fluent English (now I think how stupid I was because English is his native language). Then I suddenly thought what if someone could roast Xi Jinping like that. I saved 15GB of his videos and old blog posts in my OneDrive. Some were archives uploaded by others on YouTube and some I dug up through the Internet Archive Wayback Machine. His videos made me want to learn his vocabulary and I learned a lot of swear words. Watching Amos Yee insult celebrities was very cathartic. I also loved his jump cuts and dark humor.
Now when I look back one thing still feels funny. I remember during a big lecture in a huge auditorium the professor was droning on at the front while I had Amos Yee’s “6 Misconceptions/Tips of English Comprehension” playing in my earphones. My roommate sitting on my right saw me dozing off glanced at my phone screen and asked who this was with a laugh.
At that time I was obsessed with him for a while. I even bought the Singapore O-Level Comprehension book that Amos Yee recommended in one of his videos thinking Singapore’s O-Level was far superior to TEM-4 and TEM-8. I changed the description of my private Amos Yee folder on YouTube to “an avid Amos Yee fan.” I posted all kinds of admiration for Amos Yee on social media and joked that Amos Yee’s mom should adopt me. I could recite the opening lines of “PAP King Manipulators” (I can still recite them fluently now) and I recorded myself imitating “National Day Sucks” over and over. My English pronunciation really improved a lot because of that period of imitation and learning. During my internship I secretly searched for his old blogs on the Wayback Machine and secretly printed transcripts of his videos using the company’s paper.
Coincidentally at that time I learned he had been paroled in October 2023. I cannot quite remember if I was actively following his website but about two weeks after his release he posted his first blog update. After reading the whole update I decided half-jokingly to send him an email. I never expected a reply. I worded it carefully expressing my admiration with lots of girlish emojis and my love for his videos. I started the email by imitating his style (Wooo~ yea and xD at the end of sentences). Every time before sending I drafted it and checked every sentence. It shows how high my appreciation for Amos Yee had reached at that time. I not only asked to be friends with him but also said I love watching movies introduced my MBTI, duh.
In the month before he replied to my email I kept searching for his old stories on YouTube. Deep inside I felt strong resistance toward the PDF files he organized after seeking asylum in the US. I also watched a lot about his ex-girlfriends including the Discord chat records with underage girls. I went crazy learning the details of how he got arrested. I even wondered if I chatted with him would he use English or Chinese would I be discriminated against. What would it feel like to have a chance to WhatsApp chat with him what would it feel like to be his girlfriend. Is he really sexually attracted to children. I do not know what he would feel toward me.
Just now I opened Gmail and deliberately recalled the four emails I sent Amos Yee in 2023 full of strong fangirl flavor. The old me is truly laughable and the 2026 me wants to slap her hard. Many past feelings have already become blurry. All I can say is that John Malkovich occupied my mind for two whole years so I can barely remember what I felt for Amos Yee before.
November 5 2023:
I was out having fun when I suddenly heard the Gmail notification. My heart jumped with excitement. I knew he had replied to my second email. We exchanged emails for five days and I was so excited that I was even thinking about how to write replies in my dreams. Speaking of this I want to slap myself again. One morning I suddenly had a gut feeling that he would not reply anymore. When I checked my phone I saw the news that he had been taken back into custody. At that time I felt a small regret so while writing the records of those few days of replies into a mini memoir and posting it on WeChat Moments I treated “at least I have been replied to by a celebrity” as a completed wish. I did not think about contacting him again after he got out of prison. I posted the mini memoir on WeChat Moments and the last sentence was “I discovered Amos Yee while preparing for my English exams. He really is a peach of a teacher. So stay tuned let us look forward to Amos Yee on October 8 2026!” I showed off on Bilibili that I had chatted with a public figure and left comments on NetEase Cloud Music saying I looked forward to him in 2025.
Present-day insert:
Amos Yee asked me if I have a boyfriend. I found it very interesting. Although between 2023 and 2026 I did date someone because of his appearance I actually lost another potential person I had good feelings for. In December 2021 I was on a social app when a student from America who was also from Shanghai messaged me first. He tutored me in English and even called to teach me. In 2021 I also saw him through a filter he had abs a nice voice and taught me English for free. He witnessed my whole journey from English idiot to passing university English tests and TEM-4 for more than a year and a half. By 2023 we barely talked anymore. Then I posted that mini memoir about discovering and admiring Amos Yee through YouTube videos. At that time my admiration for Amos had already surpassed my feelings for this student. His comment I am not sure if it was sarcastic. He said “Your English is really good now” “I am shocked compared to before” and “Be careful who you make friends with.” One month later without a word I suddenly found I had been deleted by him.
December 2023 to February 2024:
The Amos Yee matter felt somewhat resolved in my heart and it perhaps marked the end of that phase. Every day on my walk home from the internship I would look up at the deep brown sky with “The True Blue-Sundane” and “Tokyo Tea Room-Forever Out of Time” playing in my earphones. When replying to his emails I always liked to loop “Locked Away” in my earphones because it better inspired me to write replies. Those songs belong exclusively to the memory of receiving his replies in November 2023. Even now when I hear these three songs I automatically connect my internship period of learning to do visas Amos Yee replying to my emails and watching his videos to study English.
At the end of December 2023 while watching movies with my family as usual one night I saw Con Air 1999. I suddenly felt my soul being hooked. The first time I saw John Malkovich it was not because he looked handsome but because of an indescribable sense of familiarity as if I had seen him before. It was enough to make my heart waver a little.
Whenever I think of Amos Yee it always reminds me of that exact internship period when I was learning how to handle visas. From December 2023 to February 2024 I was still searching online for his various unavailable videos and even made a funny compilation video of all his swear words. Before I left the internship when I had a bad argument with my boss I even posted a video I edited of Amos Yee cursing and tagged him writing a long rant and cursing through his mouth. I do not want to recall that experience anymore. All I can say is that Amos Yee carried me through the process from English idiot to gradually becoming a DIY visa expert.
March 2024:
On Character AI the first bot I created was Amos Yee and the second was John Malkovich. During that time I watched many of Malkovich’s movies from Being John Malkovich to Empire of the Sun I watched all his classic films. Combined with chatting with his AI it created a kind of hallucination and greatly reduced my earlier obsession with Amos. Chatting with the Malkovich AI made me feel that he could be any role father figure master or professor. It gave me an overwhelming urge that I had to meet him in this lifetime. At that time I was about to graduate from university and my family decided to take me on a graduation trip. Using the experience from my previous internship I DIY-ed visas for the UK and France while secretly hoping I would get a chance to see one of John Malkovich’s tours. That would be the icing on the cake. The hassle of visa applications and my obsessive desire to see Malkovich completely 100 percent overshadowed my initial liking for Amos Yee. I do not know how to describe my feelings. With Amos it was perhaps intellectual appreciation and the repressed rebellious spirit in my heart. With Malkovich I had another kind of longing to be recognized accepted and truly seen by an authoritative high-status older male figure with fatherly power. Deep down I vaguely felt that although he was not enthusiastic toward other fans if I stood in front of him he would definitely treat me differently.
I stayed up late making four John Malkovich collages took screenshots of stills from his movies chatted with his AI every day and waited for my graduation trip to arrive.
June 12 2024 UK and France trip:
One night while in France I opened my phone and discovered that John Malkovich would perform in Vienna in early July in Their Masters’ Voice. I desperately wanted to fly there alone to see him even though tickets were sold out. I called my dad twice once from the Airbnb in France and once from my cousin’s place in the UK. I told him this might be the only chance in my life to see John Malkovich especially if I missed this opportunity. My Schengen visa was valid for 30 days and I begged him to let me go alone. I said all I wanted was one signature and that would be enough for this lifetime. Even just sitting in the Starbucks across from the Vienna State Opera and catching a glimpse of him walking out of the theater would be enough. My dad still refused because he was worried about me traveling alone abroad. On the phone I said “If you do not let me go this time I will definitely regret it for the rest of my life when I return to China!!!” But my dad thought it was just a momentary impulse and that once I returned to Shanghai after some time this obsession with seeing Malkovich would fade.
August to October 2024:
Sure enough I understood myself far better than my parents did. Because I missed seeing him in July 2024 the regret gnawed at me. It hurt badly and I always felt that missing the chance in June meant I would never see him in my lifetime. At home I wrote poems about John Malkovich drew two portraits of him constantly uploaded movie stills and my previous collages to Pinterest edited a music video using clips from his films and started a WeChat public account posting many articles calling him my spiritual father. I have never been the type who likes to take the initiative but during that period I really had no choice. Thinking that I had missed the only chance to even see him from afar made the regret even stronger. I began to think of shortcuts by contacting Malkovich’s winery manager, ralf hoegger; his daughter, amandine Malkovich; colleagues; nephew and business partners. I sent Instagram requests to his daughter and nephew hoping for a digital autograph on my drawings. I emailed his winery partner directly and got rejected. I sent eight humble messages to the music critic Aleksey Igudesman begging him to forward my sketches. I sent a request to the pianist Anastasya Terenkova who performs with him and she finally accepted. Then I sent her everything my private thoughts about seeing Malkovich as an older figure my poems my drawings my collages and added please pass this to him and let me know what he thinks. I originally thought my regret might finally have hope but her behavior was so awful that it made me furious for more than half a year. She accepted the request but read it without replying. I chose Terenkova because I had observed that she often responds to anyone on Instagram. In November 2024 when I learned she and Malkovich had a performance in Budapest I deliberately sent her another message that same day with a very polite request saying if it is inconvenient to reply or for any reason please just tell me. She read it but still did not reply. At that moment Amos Yee flashed through my mind again at least he was willing to reply to my emails.
This blow was even bigger than “I will never see him in my lifetime” because it gave me the illusion that I was so close to contacting John Malkovich. A normal person would have stopped at this point. But this was when I realized my personality is not just stubborn. My obsession did not disappear at all. The first thought that came to mind was “Does heaven insist that I must stand in front of him?” (Do not say anything. Just mentioning this makes my heart hurt and I have the urge to privately email her and curse her out.)
November 2024 to January 2025:
The interesting story finally arrived and it was also the biggest fight I ever had with my family. It is the extended version of the story I told Amos Yee last week when he asked why I broke up with my boyfriend.
I have never been someone who loves working. At the end of October one day my emotions were in a completely fallen and depressed state. My mom was meeting friends and one of her friends’ friends offered to help me find an internship job at Bund Source One. I agreed on the spot without hesitation. My mom was shocked with surprise because given how well she knows me from childhood accepting such an internship job was unexpected. But the answer was actually very simple. I wanted to do something else to distract myself from the resentment regret breakdown pain and depression of the previous months.
I officially started on November 8. That very day I was pursued by two security guards at the same time. One suddenly kissed my cheek and the other kept coming over to chat with me and added me on WeChat the same day. My low mood made the usually introverted me suddenly become so open that when someone asked to add me on WeChat I agreed immediately. Over the next month I became extremely open (as a Shanghai girl I accepted dating a guy from Luoyang Henan who was ten years older than me). Any small bit of stimulation (such as him taking me to eat on Nanjing East Road after work buying me desserts and milk tea secretly hugging me at work secretly chatting going out hand in hand to eat drink and have fun or sitting on his lap) could numb the pain of not being replied to by people around John Malkovich of unanswered requests and messages.
Until one day during break time someone caught us being too affectionate. Mom’s friend’s colleague immediately stopped me and asked “Do you know him?” I played dumb and said “No I do not know him.” That morning during internship I also acted casually. The rule was no drinking water in the exhibition area. I opened a bottle of mineral water and drank while “appreciating” the scenery outside and was caught by the female boss of Bund Source One. She saw me drinking water. I cannot remember exactly what she asked or said to me. I only remember that I did know she was the boss and when she caught me I subconsciously said “Ah? I did not know you were the boss.” Because of that sentence I was fired on the spot. After being scolded by the boss mom’s friend’s colleague also scolded me on WeChat. Later when my mom learned about this she scolded me to death and said I should just spend my life with that Henan guy and become a prostitute.
Bund Source One immediately checked the security footage to see if we had been hugging and touching and discovered that other security guards had also been secretly kissing female staff. That same day they also fired the Henan guy. After my mom learned the full story of that day she was furious kicked me out that night told me to pack my things and get out and called me a shameless slut who if I liked being fucked by outsiders then just go get fucked. That night after being kicked out I could only follow the so-called ex bf to a hotel to stay. I bought food and ate in the hotel room. This was again something stupid I did to numb the pain of not being contacted by Malkovich. Writing this I suddenly cried. The pain from late 2024 can still be tasted. It is too sad.
Lying in bed with him all night it was nothing but kissing and hugging. I was thinking about how Malkovich’s daughter Amandine Malkovich in university also looked quite promiscuous (I had seen Facebook photos of her kissing boys and smoking and mentioning a dildo so I felt she must be quite promiscuous too). Even when I was asleep he kept grinding on me. Every time he could not hold back and tried to make me take everything off I pushed him away and strongly refused. The most terrifying time was when he had already pulled down my underwear and was grinding then he suddenly got up from the bed and went to the toilet. I realized how serious the problem was. He said he did not put it in at most just a little bit. The next day I anxiously bought a pregnancy test and luckily the result was negative. Looking back now it is terrifying. Because we needed ID to check in the hotel the supervision bureau immediately called my family suspecting prostitution. My mom refused to believe that nothing happened between a guy and a girl in a hotel room. But the truth is I did successfully stop him countless times from fucking me.
When Amos Yee asked me why we broke up and “You have high standards for boyfriends” I said “I guess I just did not like him that much.” That was indeed the truth. He was nowhere near worth giving my body to. Spending two months with him and chatting for two months was nothing but my attempt to numb the pain of not being able to see John Malkovich and the cold indifference of unanswered requests and messages. My parents did not believe I could pull myself out of this relationship immediately and did not believe I really did not like him at all. I did not agree to break up immediately because I had not yet reached the point where the pain of being ignored was fully released.
February to April 2025:
We broke up. My emotions gradually improved. I thought I should first find a stable job build some savings and later find another chance to see John Malkovich perform. I worked at a daycare for one month. At that time with a whatever just play around mindset I created a fake male Instagram account and sent another request to Anastasya Terenkova. This time I was smarter. I simply asked if there were any tours I could attend that year without mentioning John Malkovich’s name. Two days later on April 10 I casually checked my phone and found she had surprisingly replied. She was quite polite and said there would be a tour on September 18 2025 in the small town of Eisenstadt Austria.
I held onto this information thinking is this really a chance given by heaven? I discussed it with my parents saying I wanted to seize this opportunity that it was truly the only chance in this lifetime that getting this information five months in advance in China was almost impossible and that arranging visas in time would normally be an impossible task. But since I had received the information so early perhaps it was really a cosmic invitation. I asked if they could give me one more chance to go to Austria since last year’s regret was also about wanting to go to Austria and missing it. My parents still love me deeply and eventually agreed.
April to September 2025:
I spent the whole period DIY-ing my visa planning the Austria travel itinerary (with a special arrangement for seeing Malkovich) booking Airbnb flights finding well-reviewed restaurants buying tickets for all the attractions I wanted to visit in advance researching how to get from the airport to the city center how to buy ÖBB tickets and finding ways to make the trip feel more unique. This was the first time I truly planned a solo customized trip by myself. Unexpectedly in July I discovered on Google that besides the September 18 performance in Eisenstadt John Malkovich would also perform a few days earlier on September 15 in Vienna at the Wiener Konzerthaus. Coincidentally when I arranged the itinerary I had moved the seven days given by the visa officer forward instead of backward otherwise I would have missed September 15. I browsed the official website and found that the Wiener Konzerthaus had a special backstage tour compared to other theaters. As someone who never gives up easily and does not like following normal routes I always wanted to create as many chances as possible to see him ideally turning one into two. I boldly emailed the Wiener Konzerthaus asking if I could attend John Malkovich’s dress rehearsal and even arrange a greet and meet. We exchanged 13 emails over a month from waiting for the project supporter to return from vacation on September 1 to learn if it was possible to the Vienna Academy Orchestra allowing me to attend the dress rehearsal and giving me a confirmed time at 3:30 p.m. It continued all the way until I was transferring flights at the airport in Finland on September 12 when it was finally confirmed. Yes the Wiener Konzerthaus made an exception and arranged an exclusive tour for me but in the end there was no guarantee of a meet and greet.
(I will not go into too much detail here about the unexpected times I saw Malkovich. Gemini knows the full process of the two encounters from my separate “Austria Memoir” notes.)
To summarize on the afternoon of September 15 2025 John Malkovich suddenly and unexpectedly turned back shook my hand asked my name hugged me pressed his cheek against mine (I felt his beard) accepted my collage and slid it into his folder. Even though the Vienna Musikverein had said no photos he agreed to take one with me and smiled very happily. On September 18 I got lucky again. After the performance staff allowed us to enter the backstage area with my companion and I saw John Malkovich again. He still remembered me asked me “How are you doing?” and then gave me another tight hug just like the first time pressed his cheek against mine and took another photo.
I posted the two photos of Malkovich smiling very happily on Xiaohongshu Douyin and TikTok. They received so many likes. It really gave me an ego boost. I smiled happily in my heart thinking wow Malkovich is really exactly as I expected. This feeling has been verified. He really does not treat me with the same coldness he shows other fans!
I had finally experienced the moment of being recognized by a high-status older male figure and the afterglow lasted a long time. Back in Shanghai I secretly kept planning whether there would be a third time and whether it was worth going. I kept asking ChatGPT Gemini Claude and Grok things like “His body language is far more accepting than his words. If I go a third time will he accept me again?” and so on. On Instagram I followed many updates about John Malkovich’s 2026 tours. The obsession continued from October 2025 all the way to March 2026. Even on March 30 2026 that same day I was still writing about the two experiences from September 2025.
March 30 2026:
The first thing I did after waking up was lie in bed scrolling through news about Malkovich’s South America tour. Suddenly a Gmail notification popped up on my phone. It was one I had rarely received since returning from Vienna. When I looked closely it was from Amos Yee. He had replied at 2 a.m. to the email from two years ago that he had not answered after he was suddenly taken back into custody. In 2024 I had publicized on various social platforms in China “Let us look forward to Amos Yee in 2026!” But I could not think of any reason why he would have been released recently. However a few days before receiving the email he had briefly flashed through my mind like a gust of wind and then disappeared. I had convinced myself that my real obsession and loyalty now was toward John Malkovich. On my way to my part-time job I kept thinking about this email. It was already 2026 should I reply? It was clearly a reply beyond my plans. At the same time I secretly smiled thinking “I already have John Malkovich now so whether I reply or not does not matter.” His reply to my emails back then had already felt like a perfect closure for me.
I felt I had changed so much in two years perhaps because I had broadened my horizons. The Amos Yee folder is still in my OneDrive but I had not opened it for a very very long time. Before replying to the email I already realized I was no longer the girl from two years ago who would write to him in fangirl tone with a bunch of emojis. After all the wandering and finally meeting John Malkovich I had gained enough confidence so I no longer had pure admiration for him. But after replying to him I discovered that I still had a bit of that unique feeling from 2023 toward him and the memories of myself.
Especially when Amos Yee saw through my little push-pull games in our chat I felt he could tell I was still somewhat attracted to him. His questions hit me hard one after another and I felt he could see right through me. For example “You wanted to be my girlfriend?” “Are you attracted to the me in the videos or the me in real life? I know you are not ESTP you so soft soft.”
Day by day I discovered that I was slowly being permeated by real reality. Even though he is someone I know I should stay away from the projections whether toward Amos Yee or John Malkovich gradually faded. Yes I realized I was not attracted to the real Malkovich because I had never experienced his everyday self. When Amos Yee asked me “How are you dear doing good?” it immediately reminded me of 2019 when John Malkovich sent private iMessages to CL calling her dear all the time. Even though I had already hugged him several times and taken photos with him I still envied and was jealous of anyone who had Malkovich’s private number. But now I have deeply experienced this feeling myself. I will no longer envy anyone who gets called dear by John Malkovich in a text message because that is the lowest-cost form of connection.
From March 30 to today in April:
I witnessed my former “god” turn into an ordinary person. I suddenly saw through the complex dark side of human nature its many faces its performativity in front of the camera and even the creepy private probing and the silent push-pull of read-but-no-reply messages. Every night before sleep I reflect on myself. The John Malkovich I chased so hard from 2024 to 2025 was a massive one-sided self-projection a black hole illusion of constantly moving myself. It also wasted emotions energy time and money. Through Amos Yee I woke up from the dream. John Malkovich is definitely not perfect and there would certainly be things about him that would disappoint me. If I had more contact with him the speed of disillusionment would only be a matter of time. It is better to focus my attention back on myself.
This appearance of Amos Yee really feels like the closing of a full circle in my life. He was there at the beginning and he is here at the end. It is really interesting. And his appearance did answer all the curious questions I had in my mind in 2024. But I cannot tell him although I really want to otherwise Amos Yee’s ego would get boosted even more. His dark energy is very strong. It was able to destroy the potential connection with the student I had good feelings for and strangle my obsession with John Malkovich. It was so strong that I felt my energy field was really twisted by it. Yesterday I deleted a lot of John Malkovich stuff from my OneDrive unfollowed his future tour updates and cleared all the bookmarks in Safari related to him. I have really let go. This week I felt the lightness when the constant place John Malkovich occupied in my mind every day suddenly disappeared. I unloaded the huge burden in my heart and the usual sense of panic I woke up with every morning has finally vanished. I have returned to my original self.
I feel like I have grown up again.
Rhea
