Dear Bob Mueller
I'm super sorry, dude, I didn't intend to bring the government into it. A gentleman identifying himself as a Ghanaian national named David has been sending me "hey" and "hi" PMs for some time and today he pushed it by informing me that it would be "wise" for us to be "friends" since he doesn't have anyone to go to for "advice." I asked him if he'd actually looked at my profile or just my photograph because I really didn't think anyone would be enough of a fucktard to think it "wise" to pull this after my last post. He said he had read it and then proceeded to start asking me if i was married, where I lived, whether I had children and all kinds of other things you'd know if you looked at my profile. I said I didn't want to "make friends" and he kept telling me I did.
So I did what I do when those guys call from Hyderabad pretending to be Microsoft customer service and screaming at me that i have a "virus" they need to eradicate for me.
First I said I was actually a man and this charming, winsome profile was a smokescreen to meet bi-curious dudes. When that didn't work I said well hey I can be in Accra by 7 pm, where would you like to go for drinks? He said oh you've been to Ghana before (clearly, I must have if I know the capital city), an I said yes, in fact I spoke fluent Ashanti and was an oil millionaire. And then ok maybe I said I live in Ouagadougou so it would be a quick flight.
To be fair I also said I was a Victoria's secret model, invented the internet, and was in the cuban cigar trade, but, okay, Bob, I did claim that I was in Burkina Faso as a US government plant because we were staging a coup. I did try to lay it at the feet of the CIA but just in case it hits your desk -- I totally apologize. If y'all ARE planning a regime change in Burkina Faso I realize this could be a bit like when your kids find you putting the presents under the tree on christmas eve, so -- my bad, buddy.
OK so he actually asked me a 7th time where I was, at which point I confessed that I was not in Burkina Faso, but rather Tegicigalpa, Ireland. The 8th time, I said I'd flown to Ghana during the conversation and was looking in his window. It's possible he is still checking his windows because he finally stopped typing, but just in case he's on the line to operatives in Ouagadougou warning them of an impending crisis? Please know I am still that nice girl you interviewed at Hale and Dorr back in the early 90s in Boston. I bet you miss those days too.
Regime change begins at home, Bob. But you know that.
Love, Amy