Jul 25, 2021
@amysubmits @cynicaldom
See the post below for the details.
Accent challenge.
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@amysubmits @cynicaldom
See the post below for the details.
Accent challenge.
Noisy Sub Brain & Dom Voice
I woke up with a chaotic brain, like it was full of static. My mind was spinning in too many directions at once. Seeing how much I had to do should have made me jump right in, but it was making me want to avoid it instead. I had breakfast and screwed around a little before finally getting going a little bit. I had maybe a paragraph of an email completed after several minutes but it was progress. Then @cynicaldom called me from the bedroom. I sighed.
I like our morning routine, I just was frustrated to be interrupted. I walked into the bedroom and within a few moments had forgotten about being disrupted. I massaged his legs, we cuddled and talked a little bit. I was being playful and giggling. I was horny. He invited my hand into his pants and I got a little excited before he pulled his shorts back up. He as just teasing me. This frustrated me a bit but I tried to hide it. We talked and cuddled more. More silliness. He got up to get dressed and I started to leave the bedroom but he grabbed me and pulled me back toward the side of the bed. I whimpered a little to wordlessly express that I wasn’t particularly in the mood for a spanking. He turned me over his knee anyway. Using just his hand, he laid into me hard but slow, which is rare for us. When he uses his hand this way it’s always a powerful reminder of how much of an impact just his can make. The spanking is harder than I expected for ‘just because’ spanking. It doesn’t take long before I notice my breathing changing, I’m almost in tears. Our play never brings me to tears unless we’re doing it for sadistic reasons, and I can tell he isn’t in that kind of a mood. I know he isn’t just playing but I’m also not in trouble. I decide that maybe he thought I needed more intensity as more of a role-reminder. I accept this made-up answer in my mind so I don’t bother to actually ask.
He lets me up and he goes about getting dressed. My mind and emotions are still silly and messy. I hide behind a small table and pop out at him when he comes out of the bedroom. He laughs genuinely, but grabs ahold of me and brings me back to the bedroom. “Something tells me you need more.” he says.
I pout. I don’t want more and I don’t know why he thinks I need more. I didn’t enjoy the spanking I already got. I know he knows I was just playing, It’s very clear to me that I am not in trouble, but I don’t understand why he thinks I need it and it irritates me. He stands me between his knees and leans forward to grab a paddle this time.
“Nooo...” I whine and take a step away from him. Not trying to revoke consent, just expressing my displeasure even though I’m certain he knows I’m not finding this fun. Still seated on the bed, his eyes are at the same height as mine. He looks me straight in the eye “Stop.” he says with his voice quieter than a usual speaking voice, a hint deeper, with the tone hardened. This is his Dom Voice™. One word and the change in tone tell me everything I need to know. While he was playing along before, he is not playing anymore. He’s tired of my semi-playful and semi-bratty sass. The attitude, the wanting my own way, the desire to struggle all melt out of me in response to that tone. When I read about domestic discipline before we lived it, I always imagined that “the tone™ ” or “the voice™ ” being an increase in volume. Maybe not truly yelling, but louder than usual. CD has never been one to raise his voice frequently in general, but even less with me. He doesn’t raise his voice at me when he’s setting a boundary for me. He doesn’t need to. I can hear the unhappiness and seriousness in his tone when he just says “stop.” and that is enough to correct my course.
He pulls me back into place between his legs and removes my bottoms and pulls me over his lap. He brings me to tears with the paddle. I twist my arm over my back, offering it to him so he can hold it for me without struggle. Once I break into solid tears he holds a steady pace for a while and I keep crying. He stops and rubs my butt as I lay over his lap and I keep crying for a bit.
I think I could count on one hand how many times I’ve cried from a spanking that wasn’t for punishment. We play with a little sadomashochism, but we just aren’t very intense. I don’t typically need help to cry, and I am not one to seek pain when I’ve had a bad day. He doesn’t get pleasure out of making me cry. So this was a little unique for us. Yet in the moment, I had stopped questioning why we were doing this. When we were done cuddling I went back to working and jumped in, no struggle in focusing, being more productive now. Part way through responding to a stressful work email I had been putting off, “I feel so calm...” I say aloud more to myself than anything but he hears. “Well, yeah. That’s why I did it.” he says. It’s only then that I fully get it. This is what he meant by I need it. I didn’t need a role reminder. I needed calming, I needed to be brought back down, to untangle the static in my brain, to focus.
Ponderings: Traditional and D/s
Continuing from a thoughtful opening to this topic from @amysubmits in response to my ask...
@amysubmits let me see if I can summarize your response... You love knowing your role in your relationship. You want to him to be in charge and be the breadwinner while you take care of children (someday) and the home. You are fulfilled/feel at peace when serving in a role that is traditionally feminine. Conversely, you get the impression from some in the community that a relationship isn’t really D/s if it doesn’t include rituals and protocols (ex: kneeling, formal titles, high protocol in scenes, collars, etc.).
This is so incredibly interesting to me Amy :) I know you called out that everyone’s relationship is what they make it and what they say it is, I completely agree. I also appreciate this exercise in thought about what it ‘takes’ to define a relationship as D/s. I feel like a lot of the folks I talk to who are in 24/7 / full spectrum D/s have shared various ways in which their relationship does ‘look’ very vanilla on the outside. My suspicion is that’s primarily for two reasons. 1) being high protocol all the time, around family, friends, children, is nearly impossible, and 2) some people don’t feel they need all of those signifiers because they get that fulfillment from other aspects of the relationship.
@sous-sir is a good example of someone who doesn’t need high protocol. In the entirety of our dynamic he has told me to kneel for him once. I stopped wearing a collar at night after the first couple months. I call him by the same nickname I’ve always called him when we’re around our kids or others. And he will be the first to tell you, he doesn’t really want those things in our dynamic. He puts a lot more stock in day-to-day actions. When I complete my tasks, when I follow our rules, when I turn to him to make decisions, those are the things that make our D/s real to him. And we are very much not traditional or TGR :) For example, I am the primary bread-winner. SS cooks dinner every night. When my son was born I went back to work as soon as the doctor cleared me and SS stayed home on family leave.
To me the key component is the power exchange. No matter what rules, protocols, and rituals may or may not be present, in a D/s relationship there is a clear agreement on who makes the decisions and who abides by those decisions.
Something else to ponder on... can you be sure the ‘traditional’ relationship wasn’t also a version of D/s? They just might not have realized that’s what they were doing ;)
Needing My Submission
When I think about a person needing the submission of another it makes me a little uncomfortable at first.
My mind goes to the person in my family who has always felt entitled to getting his own way, who takes what he wants and spits out what is left and never thinks twice about those who he is taking from or those he is stepping on. He loses his mind when people disagree with him, he’s desperate for the power high that he gets from getting others to bend to his will. He’s a selfish self-absorbed asshole who doesn’t have a dominant bone in his body. If I hate anyone I’ve ever met, it’s him. He is nothing like @cynicaldom.
I guess what I’m trying to get out of the way is...I think it’s usually a terrible thing to feel entitled to power. I think a big part of what helps to keep a good Dominant’s feet on the ground is remembering that they have to earn the power they want to be given, and that they earn it in part by being careful with the one they are accepting submission from. CD does his best to do those things, but he also needs my submission. He doesn’t need it in a survival sense. He wouldn’t lose his mind without it. Yet he needs my submission in the sense that he couldn’t be as happy or fulfilled without it because it fills something really deep inside of him. It’s not really any different than what his Dominance does for me, I suppose. I think I was just hesitant to accept that he needs my submission because for so long I didn’t see the difference between needing submission and feeling entitled to power. They can certainly be different things.
So I’ve accepted that he needs my submission, and I’ve come to the realization lately that I need to be reminded that CD needs my submission sometimes. Nothing comes close to how it feels to be reminded that he doesn’t just enjoy my submission but he needs it in order to be his best, happiest self. It’s more meaningful to me than when it’s something he needs instead of just likes or enjoys. This realization has been such a long time in the making.
I knew pretty much from the beginning that I wasn’t someone who enjoyed pain. I knew I was tender-hearted and eager to please. Pleasing CD makes my heart soar, and disappointing him is devastating. With all of that in mind, I’ve always been so confused about my occasional need to test him, to be ‘put in my place’ or the urge to act out. Because it crushes me when I cross a line. So why does a non-masochist sometimes think she wants to reach out and grab the electric fence, right? It’s never made sense to me.
The urge to test him happened far more frequently when we were new to domestic discipline. Early on it happened a couple times a month, perhaps. We learned fairly early on that adding more rules helped me to feel his dominance more regularly. He also just grew into really embracing leadership more as we settled into DD more. That got rid of the desire to test him for the most part. Yet it didn’t totally go away - it just went from being every couple of weeks to being perhaps every two or three months. Sometimes after I’ve acted out CD feels it was because he wasn’t as present as he normally was. I do think a lack of presence can cause the feeling, but on many of the occasions where I’ve wanted to test him, he has been present so I know that is not the singular cause of this feeling.
We’ve tried a lot of things to address that desire to act out. We tried maintenance and role-reminder spankings but they didn’t help. I’ve tried just being more focused on my rules once I feel the urge. I can behave for a week or better if I give it my all, but that just feels like ignoring the feeling because it doesn’t fade over time. I don’t intentionally disobey, but it’s as if this need to test is this angst boiling under the surface and no matter what I do, I end up getting distracted or emotional about something and then the angst boils over into misbehavior.
Yet I’ve also noticed that on rare occasion the feeling has faded without crossing a line. Sometimes it fades if I ‘poke the bear’ enough to get him to playfully put me in my place. But probably 9 times out of 10, we’ll roughhouse and it’s fun but it doesn’t make the feeling fade. For a long time, I couldn’t make sense of why it worked on rare occasion but not others.
Several months ago CD suggested that sometimes rough sex works. Frankly, I was convinced he was just totally wrong about that at first. How could this urge to test him have anything to do with sex? It seemed totally non-sexual to me.
But after he said he thought that was the case, one day I was feeling testy but I hadn’t told him about it and had behaved well. The next day he came home from a long day and grabbed me and stripped me and used me hard until we were both totally spent. Afterward I realized the urge had left. This baffled me completely, as I was still confident this wasn’t a sexual longing, yet sex made it go away.
Sometimes urge can also go away if he takes control in a new way. For example, several months ago he told me not to wander off while we were in a store together. A few weeks ago he came in to check on me when I was in a store because I took longer than he expected to come out. When I ‘catch’ him taking care of me in a new way, or taking control in a new way that sometimes works too.
I finally figured out what the feeling is. It’s me wanting him to show me how much he needs my submission. When it happens from sex, it’s when I can tell he is not just horny but when he’s been thinking about taking what is his all day. When there is a certain look in his eye, a raw, primal type of assertiveness, where he needs to use me and not just to get off but to soothe something deeper in him. When he uses me that way it makes me feel completely claimed and while it’s sexually satisfying it also just makes me feel so useful, so helpful, so needed. There is such a deep sense of satisfaction in knowing that he needed something I could provide, he took it and it reset him.
The reason on rare occasion why it works to ‘poke the bear’ comes down to when he needs to put me in my place. When I playfully poke at him, he knows I’m asking to struggle, to be overpowered and put in my place, and he almost always obliges me. But most of the time, he’s just reacting to my taunting and while he enjoys playing back, most of the time it’s not a need for him, it’s just playful, so it doesn’t satisfy that deep itch in me. On rare occasion I poke him in just the right way, it doesn’t quite cross the line into being inappropriate, but it pushes a button in him that makes him feel like he needs to remind me of my place, not for me but for him. That’s when it makes the itch go away for me.
When he takes control in a new way that I didn’t ask for, it’s essentially a leash tug, but it feels different from a leash-tug that he is doing because I asked for it, because if he initiates it, that he needs more of my submission.
The need isn’t to break a rule or to get in trouble. Sometimes I go a bit too close and cross a line, but what I’m hungering for is to see how much he needs my submission.
My Dom Shows Me Respect By...
Hearing me out even when he disagrees with me.
Backing off when I say something is really too much.
Keeping his ego in check when making decisions for us.
Respecting my limits.
Loving me for being me.
Handling tough discussions with care and a calm tone of voice.
Being my safe place.
Staying on top of his responsibilities within our relationship.
Seeing value in my personality, including the soft, cautious and sensitive parts.
Double-checking his views or decisions if I voice concerns.
Following the D/s hierarchy.
Recognizing and accepting our differences.
Working hard to earn my trust.
Holding me accountable.
Understanding that somedays submission is hard.
Using D/s to help me grow in ways I find meaningful.
Believing in me.
Showing up to support, guide, or discipline me as needed, even when it’s hard.
Trusting that I am trying even when I fall short.
Giving me boundaries.
Protecting my sensitive heart.
Being patient with me.
Setting goals for me that are achievable.
Building me up.
Considering his impact on me.
Trusting me.
Being dedicated to me.
Encouraging me to say ‘no’ when I need to.
Doing his best to make the best decisions.
Staying loyal to me.
Speaking kindly of me.
Advocating for what is best for me.
Caring about my pleasure.
Being clear about what he expects from me.
Analyzing his perspectives, beliefs, and actions regularly.
Being open and honest with me.
Forgiving me when I make mistakes.
Viewing us as a team.
Keeping his promises and commitments.
Remembering the value of my submission.
Needs
I’ve probably said things like “I need accountability.” (or “I need structure.”, or to feel owned, or a firm hand, or rules, or guidance, or to feel safe being vulnerable, and lots of others)” dozens, maybe hundreds of times on this blog.
Of course, needs are things we require. I remember learning needs vs wants in third grade. The textbook said human needs are food, water and shelter. That’s it. The end. So I see why it may read to some that “needing” rules is absurd. Or why they may read me write “I need accountability.” and then assume that I mean “I need a disciplinarian in order to get by.” but that isn’t at all what I mean. What we require can change depending on our circumstances. You may only need food, water, and shelter to survive, but we can talk about need in ways that are totally unrelated to simply surviving. Most of the time when I talk about what I need here on my blog, I’m talking about what I need within a D/s relationship with @cynicaldom. This can include things I need in order to let go of control, what I need in order to feel safe submitting, what I need in order to feel vulnerable opening up about my desires, what I need in order to trust and admire my Dominant, what I need from him in order to give him what he needs from me, and more.
I functioned just fine before I had rules given to me by my Dominant. Well before I had lived D/s I desired clear expectations, limits and boundaries, structure and to be told ‘no’ if I was doing something that wasn’t in my best interest. But I got by without that, and I was pretty happy even. I was drawn to the idea of "old fashioned” relationships from a very young age. In hindsight, I realize that was my subby heart often read Dominance and submission into the depictions of old fashioned relationships, and I was drawn to that idea because I was seeking to submit, to let my future man lead my relationship. So I’m not at all trying to say the bone-deep desire to live this way isn’t just part of me. It definitely is just part of me and I am certainly more fulfilled in life when I get to live D/s. But...
I don’t need a Dominant looking over me in order to be a functioning member of society. If I am going to submit, I need more than I would otherwise need. I require a lot more when I am living D/s because submission is vulnerable, I give more of myself, and D/s is an exchange.
There are things that I need in order to fully open up my submission and to let go of control. For me, I need to rules, clear expectations and structure to be there so that when I let go I don’t feel like I’m just blowing in the wind. I need accountability so that if I somehow wriggle away a bit too far, there is something to pull me back where I belong. I need to feel the presence of his leadership regularly so that I can breathe and know that he’s got those things I let go of handled.
While I let go of more when I’m submitting, I also pick up more responsibilities when I live as a submissive. Through living D/s, I now have rules and chores and the expectation that I will behave in certain ways, and the expectation that I will take my commitments to CD very seriously. Because of those, I need to see him committing to his responsibilities to make it feel fair that I am held accountable to my responsibilities so strictly. I regularly place his wants above my own which requires a bit of sacrifice, so I need to know it is appreciated to avoid feeling used. In part, I need to see his appreciation for my submission through his other actions. I need to see that he considers my feelings regularly, that he keeps space open to hear my opinions, and that when he makes decisions for us both that he does so with our mutual best interest at heart.
So when I start submitting, I find myself with far more needs than I had before. I’m giving more so I need to get more. That doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself or get by on my own in another setting. It means submission is vulnerable and it’s a big commitment, it requires me to be emotionally naked. If I’m going to get emotionally naked for him, I need to know he’s going to put in the work required to keep me warm.
What is your favorite way to express your submission? What has been the most surprising thing you've learned about yourself since embracing D/s? What stereotype about D/s is the most frustrating for you? If you had to take in an animal as a pet that isn't typically a pet, what would you choose? What's your most frequently played song right now? Have you read any good books recently?
@amysubmits, thank you for these asks! I hope it’s okay if I answer them one or two at a time, that helps me focus my answers a little :)
1) Favorite way to express my submission:
I love to serve him, especially by going above and beyond what he expects of me! @sous-sir cares most about people’s actions rather than what they say. So I try to show him through my actions how much his love and his dominance mean to me.
As an example, I worked from home the other day. In between my meetings I worked hard to complete the three tasks we’d agreed on and then completed two more I knew he would notice and appreciate. It put me over the moon to hear him say, “You got all of that done? Wow, I’m impressed.”
2) What is the most surprising thing you’ve learned about yourself since embracing D/s?
It’s really surprised me how much stronger of a leader I have become at work! I think that’s been the result of a couple things. First, I don’t have to try to be strong and in charge 24/7 any more, so I have the energy to take on that role when I need to. Second, I always used to feel like being in charge at work was an imposition on other people. Like somehow I was being bossy or putting my opinion over theirs. But I realized that following in a dynamic is not entirely different from following a leader. My coworkers want me to be decisive and confident because I’ve got the most expertise. I never expected our personal D/s to have impacts on the other parts of my life.
3) What stereotype about D/s is the most frustrating for you?
This shouldn’t be a surprise given our recent conversations lol. I really struggle with the view of the traditional male HOH and classically feminine female homemaker as an expectation. I understand it as a choice and a personal preference, but not when there is a perception that that’s how things should be because of things like gender or religious beliefs.
On the flip side, I also really struggle with submissives/submission being viewed as being powerless and potentially taken advantage of. I have to be careful to camouflage submissive acts when we’re around my family because my sisters both experienced emotionally abusive relationships. Any action they see that implies I need @sous-sir’s permission for something is a red flag. And honestly, before I found D/s I thought the same way. I think there is definitely a prevalent stereotype about subservient woman that is difficult to keep separate from consensual dominance and submission.
Part 1 of 2
Ways We Don’t Fit The Mold
I decided to join in the #uncommon D/s conversation. I don’t really have a story to share so I thought I would just list the common elements of D/s that we don’t participate in, or just some of the things about us or our relationship that don’t fit the common stereotypes of what dominance and submission looks like. To be clear, while some are, I don’t think all of these things are actually uncommon within D/s relationships. I think some of the stereotypes of D/S are actually quite rare to see in real life D/s couples on an ongoing basis. Anyway, ways we don’t fit the mold or stereotypes:
I don’t kneel.
We don’t use titles/honorifics full time even though we are 24/7 D/s.
I don’t know any poses.
We don’t do scenes.
We don’t use collars.
My Dom is quiet and introverted.
We are never high-protocol.
I don’t own a corset...or much lingerie at all. What little I do own, I rarely ever wear!
I don’t have a submissive nickname like kitten or babygirl.
He doesn’t own a single suit.
I met my Dom in a friend’s backyard. We’ve never been to a munch.
I pick on or tease him pretty regularly and sometimes a bit harshly.
My Dom doesn’t get fueled by all forms of control. Asking him to choose my lunch doesn’t give him a mood boost.
Thoughtless obedience is not a goal for us.
I’m not a thrill-seeker or adrenaline junkie.
I don’t enjoy pain and I think I need it a lot less frequently than many other subs.
He very rarely ever raises his voice. If I am out of line or he just needs to be confident he will get 100% of my attention, he lowers his voice instead.
I can count on my fingers how many times I’ve been bruised by spanking.
We rarely use any man-made restraints.
I usually order for myself at restaurants.
I pick out my own panties.
We don’t have an end goal of M/s or TPE.
He values obedience more than service. He’d rather tell me when to bring him a drink instead of me bringing him one unprompted.
I’ve never been instructed to edge.
We don’t use scheduled maintenance spankings.
I am encouraged to express my concerns or respectfully question him if I feel the need. He thinks my input and feedback sometimes helps him lead more effectively.
A serious “no” or “stop”, “I can’t”, “I’m scared” etc from me still revokes consent. I have a safeword as a backup anyway.
We view our relationship as much closer to a democracy than a dictatorship. He just has 51% of the vote.
We want a pretty ordinary life. Our main goal in life is to raise happy, healthy kids together in this small rural town that we both grew up in. Our D/s isn’t about standing out from the crowd or living an “alternative” lifestyle. We want to find D/s right in the middle of our very average, family-focused life.