I miss you — I really hope you’re not off getting taller than you already are; how is Shinkyo Bay? Your roommates? All doing good right? It’s been at least three years since I’ve seen you—ridiculous—but from what I see from those selcas, you’ve been getting prettier, which is good. Tell me before you start dating boys again please.
ANYWAY, it’s been a while—but I wrote a song for you, Jinri-ah. It’s a little different from the last few I sent you but—I don’t know, I like it. Tell me what you think about it! I think you’ll like it too—go ahead and tell me if you don’t though, haaaaaaa.
I know I’ve been too busy lately to return your emails/calls, but we should set up a time to facetime or something okay? Stay pretty, Ri!
I’m going to end it with this quote instead of a sincerely because I’m not in my thirties huuul—
'I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night' - Sara Williams
fondness and loneliness squeeze in jinri’s chest at the sight of an email from jieun—she’s happy, she’s happy, of course she’s happy to hear from the woman; it’s just with every reach she makes with her cousin, and her with jinri, she finds herself wishing more and more that she could actually hear her. touch her. just one hug, one second of laughter; it would be a lie to say that would be enough, but it would be nice—depressing musings to have, but they’re the kind that stick with the aerokinetic all the same.
as always, she pours over the script, face unnecessarily close to her phone as she reads the words through, again and again, until she can hear them in jieun’s timbre perfectly. a smile takes to her face, small and tentative at the presence of the audio file—a song written for her, the organ in her chest could rip itself apart in its simple, ferocious joy—and she clicks without the slightest bit of hesitation, scrambling for earphones as the file downloads.
when she finds them, she sits, knees to chest, hands squeezing the device in anticipation, feet patting at the floor as the beat begins.
“with a red hat on my head, i’m a clown, always smiling—behind that laughter, there are tears no one knows of—”
a chill slips down her spine, raising goosebumps and stirring something uncomfortable—
“even though i smile at my miserable self, i am beautiful—”
“everyone with their black neckties, they can’t say anything—”
what’s making her cry so hard?
“everyone is dancing and laughing, but I don’t like that—”
huffing for breath, body shaking with the effort of keeping in a wail, her shape begins to resemble one sloughed by grief, measure by measure; it begins to become clear, what this is.
“while we drink and look for love, we forget the truth—”
like her father, jieun always knew.
she folds, hugging herself as she rocks, as pained sobs shove themselves out of her lips; she can feel nothing other than the severe, cruel, knee-jerk desire to go home, home—a place and a time that don’t, that never again will exist. amidst the sea of hurt, she feels tremendously sorry, howl heavy voice forcing the last lines of the song in the shape of an apology,
“i like the smiling pierrot better… i like the pierrot that knows sadness better.”
shinkyo bay hasn’t changed since the last time you asked! it’s still as pretty, as welcoming as before—i’d ask you to visit, but then they might get on to you; so i’ll settle for sending you lots of pictures instead!
i think one of the cool parts about this place is that it’s this international mutant hub—so i won’t be losing my polyglot status soon! i should honestly just start sending you these in japanese—appa always insisted on using the language of the region we lived in, when we got fluent enough.
they’re doing alright i would think—things will never not be a little hard, but that’s living, right? so all in all, we’re doing good! soojung turned 19 a while back, so han and i threw her this party—it was great, she was happy. changmin oppa brought this really pretty saeng with him… huk. that’s all the info i have for now though!!
oh unni—endless devotion aside, i don’t think you’ll ever make something that i won’t like. this pierrot is grateful, just like you. and a little sorry. unni, i really love you, you know? ahh, it’s not fair— i don’t want to share you with your fans, i love you so much!! you’re mine TTTT
please sleep well when you can and drink lots of water—your dream is important, but your health even more so. because you’re busy chasing happiness, i can wait, but don’t test me!! you have to keep that half promise okay— i miss your talking voice too.
unni, i think the quote is channelling ahjumma more than a sincerely would kkkkkkkkkkk but i’ll follow your style!!
“gluten can make your dick fly off?” — south park
PRESIDENT OF THE LEE JIEUN FANCLUB
