#anaerobicallyblazing

[intuitionbeforeintention]

"hew to the line, let the chips fall where they may,"

Word of the day is hew, this quote along with it I like a lot 🥰✨

[intuitionbeforeintention]

Only took a month for me to not care about my attendance and struggle being on time 😭 and ill be fully late taking my entire 3 hours since im getting the same damn demerits for 3 hours as 15 minutes. I don’t see debate there 😂

[intuitionbeforeintention]

Had a whole fucking breakdown over something small (well it’s really not but only as bigger picture, I need to calm down) but regardless, I stormed out the house to replace said thing and ended up hitting my jay on the way. Not but 3 hits in and I break down in the biggest cry I’ve had in months and now I feel better.. well idk not better but I’m not angry like I was and I’m not cry so it’s a win. But like my doctor is trying to ultimatum my way off weed and onto benzos (CRAZY cuz I’m an addict with 4 years from heroin, but not the vast other addictions bc for me it is literally anything that separates me from my mind and I’ve come clean from a lot of those) anyway, it’s crazy to me the doctor is trying to trade weed for an addictive fucking downer. I don’t even abuse weed. I took my little quarter j and put it out bc I wasn’t about to run my car off the mt anymore. Give me Xanax or klonopin and I would have downed half the bottle in anger. And I will advocate with just that my next fucking appointment. I need new doctors soon or just a more stable comfortable respectable place to live. At this point it’s whichever comes first. I’m really fighting all I’ve got to focus and graduate my little program thing. I’m doing a lot better with being in class and around people and socializing as I thought, but it’s definitely not incident free. It’s nice it’s such a private little class though because I feel comfortable enough to step out when I need to. I’ve hidden in the bathroom a few times too, and I’m not the only one who does so it does help.

Welp. Another word vomit ramble. Thank you for sticking with it if you did shit 🫡 part of healing my throat chakra (while do need to research bc I truly don’t know ) is just letting the words flow. I stress too much about how it comes out to ever confirm words, hopefully this works a little like my morning pages for creativity do and it helps me be more intune with my own thoughts.

[intuitionbeforeintention]

Such an eerie feeling. I feel the target but I don’t care because I know they will miss. Focus inward time

[intuitionbeforeintention]

Was feeling myself all day til I noticed that crevice by my eye. I thought it was merely a wrinkle which was bad enough, til I remembered the time I Was so happy when that scar didn’t scar from that pivotal drunken night. I remember locking myself away for days until it healed bc I couldn’t face you after. Yet I still can’t remember it happening. Though I remember all the events that lead to, and the pain of betrayal in my heart before and after…It could have ended there. It tried to. And I won’t say should have, tho the words did face. That time, all the others. I didn’t learn. I didn’t listen. I didn’t hear. I was blind. Idk any reason. It doesn’t matter bc it is as it is. I can’t hate, blame or regret. Though, I’m not sure where you landed with it. I know it’s not hate or you wouldn’t be in the window watching me. What I know is it doesn’t matter, I’ll find a way to deal with this reminder as all the others.

You left an ever lasting ripple in my life, and I’m happy to have ridden that wave to a place where I can show you you were wrong. And at first, I did it with hope and delusion, but now I do it because I deserve every fucking thing I’ve been taught I wasn’t. Many have tried to break spirit, my character, mind, hell even my body. But I have finally come to the realization that not a soul can break my talents. And I won’t dare neglect my ability to learn.

[intuitionbeforeintention]

Let me just breathe.

I forget to just rest sometimes. That it’s okay to be motionless, for things to be silent, calm. This class I stumbled in is honestly such a great opportunity. I knew that the weeks leading up, I completely defogged my brain and was set on such a strong heavy path of enlightenment… week and a half in and I am just 😮‍💨 a lot of my concerns, were valid, but more were not. I’m worried it will get worse, but I’m making myself take this weekend to rest, revamp, refocus.

I started looking for my apprenticeship before bed and that’s what I’m holding onto for motivation. There are soooo fucking many things I am going to be able to get into. It’s a pre apprenticeship, so I didn’t think it would get me too much of anywhere cool but I knew it would lead to stability. Howeverrrrrr

I had no fucking clue all the doors this was going to open for me, not even just career wise. My creativity is already itching its way out in my art work. I need to find something that doesn’t care about thc and my med card asap tho. That’s got me pretty stressed bc applying to jobs and such is a huge chunk of our assignments for the course. And that aside too my damn resume is a hot ass fucking mess bc of the lack of stability in my life. I’ll take credit for my drug addictions part, but aside from I am such a dedicated ass worker. Hah I think bc I’m an addict. I get addicted to working too unless the job is causing me social distress.

I’m thankful the group I’m in is all chill people. I have more in common with a lot than I thought I would. I just don’t know how to properly friend. I have been so painfully bad at it. I’m not saying I’m the worst friend, bc I would happily be my friend. I know I’ve made all the wrong choices in who to give my full friendship to, and that I will never forgive myself for, but that’s a ramble for another time. I’m loyal as fuck and I honestly to my core believe I am a damn good enough one to deserve active friendship and socialization in my life, but I cannot deny that I am socially inept and struggle to maintain friendships unless you’re the friend I’m fucking. And I am well aware of this flaw in my past and I won’t dare allow myself to walk a path even in sight of that again. And that is something I can say I fear when new (and old) people come in my life. I don’t know how to human, or socialize I guess. Or idk what to call it. I’m such a weird off brand thing. And while I am happy in my solitude bc I am finally at peace within myself, I know I have far too much to give, and far too loving of a heart to be facing a life where the biggest connection I have is to my cat. (Nothing wrong with that bc she is my best friend, but also everything wrong with it bc she’s a cat) . I hear “your vibe attracts your tribe” and I just can’t settle that my vibe attracts in the opposite manner when it chooses to at all v

Anyway today was a hard fucking anxiety filled day in class. And I miss being able to talk about my day to someone so tumblr end of the day ramble rant word vomit it is.