#and long.

[basslinegrave]

sonic 3 spoilers (longer - very long thoughts)

just thoughts about something that i would add to the movie

1) i fully expected sonic to take the photo of shadow and maria and later give it to him, since he destroyed everything else and it would be nice like "hey i held onto this for you, might be important" i think it would be a nice way to connect them in an even stronger way. it felt like the rivals to friends was rushed, though shadow seemed to be depicted as more youthful here, i still feel like he would need something more to get through him (but then he def felt something already when he hit tom so it wasnt like a sudden switch or anything)

2) maybe i wasnt paying full attention but robotniks last words came kinda out of nowhere, i really expected them to show at least a little bit of the times stone cared for him. like have him go through the realization and let him feel it on screen a bit longer. maybe he had a moment of thought but i dont remember that. (also it was good but kinda silly in retrospect he really broadcasted it to the whole world 0 shame 😭 just imagining bot from the first movie seeing his future self say that. hed explode)

i would add like 10-20 mins to the movie for this. just let the characters stop for a moment and feel. but then, its a sonic movie. the audience is 5 year olds. it doesnt matter. but i still felt like a lot has been cut or missing? - then again, i need to rewatch it/watch the original to see the original pacing and wording of things. perhaps some things got lost in translation or whatever. i also couldnt concentrate cause someone kept fucking talking over the movie. but what wasnt shown just wasnt shown. also for shadow idk i thought they would go for some brooding scene in the vibe of spiderverse introductions but it went all action but ig they made up for it later i loved the scenes with maria and the stargazing (back when i was into sonadow stargazing was my fave trope for them. stars in general. so this was beautiful. shadow as a falling/fallen star too and in this case it applied to both him and sonic)

3) more music. again this might be just the case of the dubbed version but i felt a severe lack of music? and to me personally the live and learn part felt extremely weak, the orchestral version or whatever it was is nice but here it wasnt hype enough for me. idk, again, maybe the og will feel different but you know. if more of the scenes were treated music wise like the dance ones id be more hyped, i dont like when they use a song but only like 4 seconds of it and stuff. to compare it with an example of what i loved it would definitely be deadpool - the opening fucking slayed and also the like a prayer part. that shit went hard as hell and i didnt even like dp3 that much.

but overall i feel like the pacing was so much better in this one than the second movie and it felt like they actually gave more screentime to the nonhuman characters this time

- this is more critical but there were also parts that i loved and like overall the movie was good, i liked the story, i liked what they did with shadow (i wish they stretched out the tokyo part longer though, that was dope), loved what they did with him and maria, the movie felt balanced enough (but i felt that way about 2 and then on rewatch it was noticeable how many useless human scenes there were so that might change), the gun agents were walking the thin line of being too annoying but it was doable, i loved what they did with walters! also i like wade as a character but this was just enough (people were Groaning when he got on screen lmfao) same applies to the others but i was surprised that was it. so silly

however i still enjoyed 2 more. but this might just be the case of "im super tired, quite depressed, i dont care about anything rn, some ppl fucked me over today and i dont feel good, the vibe is off, i cant hear half of the movie, im too hot and got low bp and keep hearing my heartbeat louder than anything else, and i didnt get a happy ending" rather than "movie bad"

when they revealed shadow in 2 i was jumping off of my seat and gripping the one in front of me. this post creds reveal here was like "oh! okay nice" (<- expected this so 0 surprise or anything)

also for 2 i went in with low expectations and got peak. for 3 i expected better than 2. so i failed myself there

i wish i could say i enjoyed this even more than the 2nd movie. i wish i got back from the cinema just typing out jumbled words and screams on social media like after the 2nd. i got out of this one like "i have to pretend i loved this greatly like i had to do with the fnaf movie" but this was at least better than the fnaf movie to me lmao

fucking sonic prime got more reactions out of me than this movie and i wanted to enjoy it so bad. anyway i need meds or something i ran out of D3 its also that speaking thru me

[sugarstarlights]

Madison Ruarc > Madison Rembrandt.

[apollos-lyr3]

Yo take your time on updating. The real ones will wait patiently (probably not quietly, I’m chewing the bars on my enclosure tbh). Anyways you got this! Good luck since college started back <3

This is so sweet??? Thank you??? I’ll try to throw you scraps into your enclosure until I can finish the full chapter <3

[drugrattes-blog]

repost don’t reblog!

tagged by: @overoutrage ( yells thank u ) tagging: steal it if u want we can be thieves ... together...​

GENERAL

name:  vera birthday:  16 / 06 sexual orientation: hetero p much ye ye school status: third year of highschool ( idk how it is in english lmao ... )

YES/NO

drink?:  i taste n’ try smoke?:  nope eat cake?:  when i can, yes! believe in true love?:  frankly i’ve never had any kind of experience and i’m still sixteen so? i don’t know? i’m not even rushy about it lmao, i just wanna have a super chill relationship when it comes, if it comes soon enough. so my answer is shrug emoji afraid of the dark?:  not really cat person?:  i love ducks fuck me on a fridge ( yes i love cats & i have one too ) virgin?:  yepperoni

FAVORITES

shampoo: anything cheap for curly hair disney song: friends on the other side - princess & the frog / hellfire - the hunchback of notredame !! actress/actor: jake gyllenhaal, edward norton, emma stone and um... idk !! car: i dont care about cars enough person:  ahh eh... irl people? i dont have favourites ( im sorry im not good at socializing ) but i quite like my friend sofia, my two friends rebecca’s ( they’re named both rebecca yes ) and most of my female classmates, along with diego i think, and my mom’s boyfriend type of weather: i hate all weathers. all of them. but i like slightly chilly weather color: salmon pink -- tho i love all colors 90s sitcom:  i never watched any... :’)

QUESTIONS

what is your special talent/skill as a roleplayer?   do i even have any tbh. i just write whatever flows to me? i try to both be active, as in i try to write and make sure my muse does something ( unless the thread’s based heavily on thoughts / speech / psychological stuff ) , all while still trying to make sure their emotions and thoughts show. im not sure if im good at achieving that but well, i have fun writing, and i like what i write, so it’s okay, i think?

what is your favorite type of roleplay genre, and why?    fluff... cute shit... romantic ... friendships... but also DEVELOPMENT! i also have a soft spot for gore-heavy themes ( physical stuff more than the psychological sutff, tho i’d like to explore that maybe? sometime? maybe by drabbling for myself smth ) , and i like making my muses grow, even if subtly. i also live for threads that involve arguing that leads to somewhere, even arguing that leads nowhere, tho, if that makes sense. AND FUNNY COMEDIC SHIT, I LIVE FOR THAT, I LOVE WRITING FUNNY THINGS!! all while hoping its not fun just for me ofc lmao

why did you pick your muse?    oh man, joan was just a side-character to another muse? franziska? but then i thought, hey, what about i try to rp this jackass, and whoops. there she is, miss america. i’m debating wether or not trying to give her some sort of story or just keep her as a ‘mascot’, i don’t know, but she’s being put so much effort in it feels almost like...  voidly to me to just do nothing else with her. she’s just so fun to write and draw.

if you could write any other muse - but know you don’t have the muse for him/her - who would it be?    a lot. a lot of my ocs. my dr ocs, my psg ocs, my indie ocs, the trash sisters convict & trash star along with the clumsy dj double, sandra, mr. zoe!! and tracy and all of my muses from my own canon! and lilith and wolfie aahh even if lilith and wolfie are quite nsfw due to the fact they’re prostitutes so-- i mean, in short, i’d write a LOT of muses, if i could. i have a lot of ocs.

what is one thing you think you need to work on as a partner?    heck im terrible at convos? like i’m shit bc i tend to drop them at some point, if i dont feel like replying... or just dont know HOW to reply. plus i drop silently threads, im a bit guilty abt that, even tho i think it’s necessary for me to decrease stress sometimes. i mean its not a bad thing but?? im too anxious to go up and say ‘hey wanna do another thread bc im dropping x this one’ just ? HECK

what would be your warning label to other roleplayers?   im a fluff monster and i fucking love ducks oh my god

what is your favorite episode/scene of your muse?    oh man. oh man. i dont have it... yet. i mean, there is one, but it has yet to happen. i’m plannin’ it tho. also tbh, joan’s relationship with drugs is in general... my fav thing. like it may seem such a filmsy reason to others as to why she does drugs, but for me? i think it’s essential. i’ve watched movies and read stories about drug addicts that got into it the way a kid usually gets into cigarettes -- either to be part of the group or either because they needed some relief, a detachment from reality, and like... it’s always been interesting to me. i’ve never did this kinda stuff, heck, ofc i don’t plan to out of my simple choice ( cigarettes mostly, drugs r srs danger wtf ) , but i’m trying my best to interpret this mindset of joan. plus the fact she’s been actually influenced by her own interests to do so, to be like others in order to stick around others, is interesting in itself. along with joan and her parents’ relationship, and their subtle pressure they put on her, unknowingly. it’s just. whoa. fucking hell.

what crack!ships do you have for your muse?   joan and rehab, joan and mac and cheese, joan and an healthy ring of friends, joan... joan and cats as a hateship.

what is your senpai blog?   none! i consider everyone equals to me wtf.

[not-the-hunted]

Darling, that was... a lot, but you're worth it.  Promise.

[throughwinterwindows]

sometimes i still wish i was your little girl

i don't think about you very often. and when i do, it's probably not the real you. come to think of it, i guess i don't really know who you are. at least not in any way except through the foggy double lenses of childhood and memory. and things seen from this side of those windows are generally skewed. 

i used to never ever think about you. somehow i've become used to the idea that i'm not supposed to be sad about it, or angry, or upset, at all. somehow, without noticing, i've pounded it into my head that you are gone and you will be forgotten, that i won't ever think of you, that i don't need to; i am determined to erase any part of you that steps over the line of that day six years ago. 

i was never aware that this was an issue, let alone a process that could (should?) be questioned, until david came around and inexplicably you started rising to the surface. sometimes i found tears on my face, put there by your hand in the past, still leaking out of me at this age; often for vague and disconnected reasons. one day i sobbed because you would never know him, never see me walk down the aisle, never be proud of me for being me, never see your grandkids. and probably mostly because i didn't really want you to. 

i don't mourn you so much as i mourn the loss of what could have been. a continuous presence through my life, a rock for me to lean on, to be there at prom, when i'm sick. i can't even think of other examples because i don't know what they could be. i've never had you around to show me.

it's okay because i've made it anyway. there's no replacement for who you should be, but there are substitutes. see, it's automatic--the shouldering of the grief and the acceptance of what i can't change. i'm trying to let myself be sad for a moment and i can't even, because i've been practicing not doing it for so long. 

it's stupid things that remind me. today it was some maroon five song i've never heard of that for some reason played on the pandora station i was listening to. i don't even know if it's about the same subject, but it sounded like it enough. 

the shitty thing is, even if you read this, it wouldn't mean to you what it means to me. you aren't who i want you to be, and you never will. even if i gave you the chance. maybe it's your fault i don't think i will ever be capable of letting down my walls enough, of fully giving myself to someone else, of--that big, scary, boldface word--committing, without any reservations. wouldn't that be typical. the fragile type. 

you will never know or appreciate the subtleties and nuances that make up who i am. won't be proud of the fact that i dropped out of college to do what i felt was more important, to make my own way in life instead of taking what was prescribed. never understand my dreams or philosophies or worries. and the worst part--the part that kills me inside--is that you wouldn't care anyway.

i don't know how to deal with this silent gaping loss. it is a giant abyss that sometimes whispers to me in my sleep. i have dreams where i scream at you. sometimes i have dreams where you give me the creeps. it opens without warning and tries to swallow me up, and i am defenseless, a helpless doll yanked around at will. i can't even predict how it will make me feel. 

rachel told me i would regret not talking to you someday. i don't think so. i think the only thing i will regret is you not being someone else. that's really what breaks my heart. why couldn't i have the chance to have someone who really cared? i don't even know what that means. if there's anything i've ever been truly resentful about in this crazy wonderful life of mine, it's that. it only seeps up through the cracks, though. but it still does. 

anyway. you took my dog and you took half of my brain and my heart that probably would have remained and been sane and normal and much more peaceful if you'd stuck around, if you'd been who you should've been, if you'd taken up your mantle and been rid of your strange psychological problems and been full of love instead. i can't change you. i have the best brother in th　e world who has stepped in and taken your place. i don't hate you. i do honestly wish i could erase you though. wish you could live your life out somewhere else and i'd be blissfully ignorant. 

 none of this is what i meant to say. i meant to say that that song made me sad and i wish i could be somebody's little girl, that sometimes i still get sad even though i've trained myself to not think about it, that i don't care who you are, but i wish i'd had a father anyway.

i don't know how to fill the seeping wound you've left. i don't even know where to begin. 

[bluecoloreddreams]

New Year's Resolution...

So... It's time for me to sort the year out in my head, and make my resolutions. It's... it's been a hard year for me. Really hard. I lost a lot of things-- or maybe I never had them to begin with. It's hard to say. I don't know if I can gain anything back anymore. I guess that's my resolution, to keep going even though I don't know anything. Not anything practical, anyway.

I've seen loss. I watched one day someone be there, go home for the weekend, and come back and they're not. I've seen the aftermath of someone dying, or perhaps watched in disengaged horror as they were dying. I've certainly seen someone react to that. I've certainly felt the shaking horror, the slow nausea creep in with cold fingers and swimming head. Fleetingly, passingly. It's a horrible moment, regardless of who the person was.

I've lost friends.The friends I had in high school I have nothing in common with. I went to college. I made new friends. I joined a fraternity. I worked hard in my classes. I chose to be emotionally healthy rather than let myself feel bad that I wasn't someone to be included. In short, this year, I'm going to have to say goodbye to a few people once more. It started a few years ago, when they chose not to listen to me and how I felt and compromise-- I was somewhat of an after thought. Always had been, back when we first met. I trailed along. I was the pity friend. It meant a lot to me then, and it still does, which is why I've held on for so long even though I've so obviously moved on. I don't want to, but... it's painful to worry about them, to remember that I... I'm not someone they think of anymore.

This year, I've lost a friend I told everything to, trusted everything with. Loved dearly. Spoke to daily, if not hourly. I looked up to them. To me, they were amazing. If she dearly needed my help, needed me to be there for her, I would have done all I could to get there. Fought tooth and nail to get from my state to hers. I worried for her, about her, and with her. I made time where there virtually was none. Even when I was putting in 12+ hours of outside studying in on a single class, out every other day doing things as a pledge, I made time for her. I wanted to; it was hard. I gave up things I could be doing otherwise to spend the time with her that I could.

I won't say that I felt like I was giving up things I could have been doing for myself until afterwards, because for a long time, it was something I was doing for myself. It had been a long time since I had a friend like that, who I felt like I didn't have to hide myself from, watch my mouth around, watch my feelings... Until I did. I don't know. It must have been my fault, I think, even now. Even though I know that I have to defend myself. But yeah, it's my fault.

Why else would I be the only one treated like I was? What I mean to say, I lost someone I loved dearly. Again. Again. I thought I had given up this cycle. I give everything I can, open myself up... and it's never... enough. My feelings are weak, I guess. Trivial. I don't know why. But again. Again.

And so I realized that there's something wrong with me.

This year, I hit rock bottom. There's something wrong with me. There's something not right. Never has been, I suppose. Never will be, if I can't be brave.

I didn't want to wake up anymore this summer. Everything just... crashed. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to do anything. So I laid down and stared at the ceiling for hours. I slept. I cried. I yelled. I screamed. I bled. I took pills and pills and pills and swallowed advil like it was candy, hoping I wouldn't hurt or maybe I'd get so sick that whatever was wrong with me would come out--!

I'd lost so many parts of my life; it was out of control. I fought and fought and fought to hold on to these pieces that I could work with, and even those-- they were just disintegrating in my hands.

I couldn't draw. I couldn't write. Music wasn't good anymore. Books weren't interesting. Even my most beloved, dog-eared books, my favorite manga, my favorite movies... were just bland. I couldn't read. I couldn't concentrate. Even the things I was known for-- loving Clamp, being a crazy shipper... I couldn't put my heart into it. The motions made me sick. It piled up over the months as I worked myself to exhaustion every week in college so I could keep my scholarships. So I could make up for royally fucking up my first semester. So I could become a full member of my fraternity. So I could... I don't know.

But I wasn't trying hard enough. So said my mother, so said so many people on the internet on my writing, on my art. In June, I wasn't trying hard enough at anything at all, I wasn't trying to care, I wasn't trying to be a good friend-- but I was! I was--! Everything I had, what was left of it after everything, I was trying-- and...

It wasn't enough. Losing that friend  was it for me. I had thought, as long as I had her, I was okay. I could deal with people being angry with me because I couldn't write a story anymore. I could deal with people being mad because I had to cancel commissions. I could deal with failing tests, or dealing with anything, because at least... I had a friend who would support me with anything-- and in turn, I could do the same. But nothing there was true. Her feelings, her issues, her problems were paramount to mine, and I apparently did not care about her at all.

I never knew. She told me things, so I never realized...I never knew. I... My feelings didn't matter. Even though I was being treated badly, and had been for a few months-- so many little things had added up that I felt-- I was!-- nothing to her, I wanted... But.

So I hit rock bottom. And I dug some. And I realized that I'm... not right. I need help.

Since then, all I did was lash out. I've lost someone I really wanted to talk to-- more than one, actually. One I don't know why I wasn't enough; one I know I chased off with my cynicism even though I owe her pretty much every ounce of improvement I've made in art and writing.

I've been drifting since June. I've slowly found some anchors. Small things. Small things. Small steps. Let it come.

The first came from one of the most trivial places. It sounds so silly to say that an anime of all things is the reason I'm not dead. It was just one episode. Said by a character who would have pushed me off of a building if I was a character in the show. Goddamn, he was cruel with it.

"Hey, do you think of yourself as someone special? That's not true, by the way. We're all the same. There's not a single person who can live an honest life. ...Take a look: No matter what worries they had, they're all just bloodstains on concrete now. No matter who they were, everyone went back to their god as equals. ...I'm really interested in is the ecology of your worries, not your actual ones ...I knew you didn't want to die, either."

It made me think. I mean, really, sit and think. If you die, that's it. All your worries are gone... As is your happiness. You cease being. But...as I thought and made a dichotomy of my worries and sorrows, there came... a message that I'd like to share.

"The world isn't as cruel as you take it to be."

Maybe that's why it meant so much; but I heard it at just the right time. God it's so dumb, but it meant so much.

The next came from the people who I never expected to support me. I'd lost faith in everything. I'd lost even the faith that my own existence holds some worth. The people who read my stories gave me another reason to pause and rethink my life.

And then An and Jessica. You two make me laugh so much sometimes. Jessica, I don't really think you know how much I'm happy that you made me want to watch Durarara!!, because it really did-- it really did save me from my fatalism. It means a lot to have someone to casually chat with about music and yaoi and how goddamn sexy Inga's rape face is. Maybe one day I can talk you into writing with me again. But even if I can't, it doesn't matter. You make me laugh.

An. I can't-- you're probably the only person who could ever see me after all I told you about myself as a princess. (Well, you and Tamaki, but between you and me, he's not really real-- don't tell the fangirls.) I can't... you'll hear more from me in person. Or rather, personal handwriting. But thank you, thank you, thank you for telling me that even someone as much as a dork as I am can be a princess, Prince. And thank you for trusting me and letting me hear you out. My advice generally sucks, but thank you. It's going to be a while before I can look at your newest letter and present without bawling my eyes out. But that's not a bad thing. 

I don't know if I'll wake up tomorrow happy. I don't even know if I'll be balanced. I could wake up to the sluggish feeling of black. That's what's wrong with me; I can't regulate myself. I don't have a choice-- the smallest thing can set me down into a spiral of depression and it takes Herculean effort to bring me back. I... I don't know how I'll wake up tomorrow or how I'll feel a week from now.

I'm lonely from what I've lost this year. It will always ache. But I remember, I remember, and I'm thankful for what I've had and lost, for what I've found and what has anchored me here.

My resolution is not to lose weight. It's not to be organized. It's not to do something big. It's to wake up and move forward. It's going to be hard. I don't like to change, but, I'll embrace it this year. And I'll be open. Ironically, my resolution comes from the same show that made me stop and think.

"To escape the everyday, you must constantly evolve."