One of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with of late, that I suppose I should've understood before, is that no matter how badly you work for something, no matter how much you stretch yourself thin and work yourself to death, some things still fall through. Sometimes things just don't happen. And no matter how much you cry about it, no matter how much you hate yourself for it, things just don't happen, or worse, just keep happening.
But you know what doesn't happen
A FUCKING MERLIN REBOOT
THATS RIGHT
THIS ALL COMES BACK TO MERLIN
EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO MERLIN
or like rational things like not winning an award (happened this saturday after a day at a comp!) or writing something for a literary journal and not getting a response for months (also happened!)
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT DIDN"T HAPPEN
A FUCKING MERLIN REBOOT.
thank you for coming to my tedtalk (is that how you use that i dont even know but it looks nice at the bottom)
Yesterday a woman tried to use car wash tokens to pay for her fuel. She seemed legit surprised when I told her she couldn't do that. Her reply to me was "I see, so that's how it is here." As she left and smirked at me with that look some teenagers get when you're not in on the joke.
She's been coming to that store every Tuesday for longer than I've worked there and never did that before.
ED, S/H, Blood mention, descriptive feelings/things about s/h
I'm so sick of these "I healed" Tiktoks, Like good for you! but you make me hate myself more, not that YOU do, but the fact that I'm still struggling after ten years hurts. I've gotten worse. I relapsed into self-harm, I don't eat, and I'm high almost every other night. I haven't changed.
Because between now and then, My shorts turned into sweatpants, and being clean became a struggle, my self-love got harder, I stopped going on walks, I stopped talking to people, I stopped caring about school, I care about my looks and if people like me. I haven't healed, I've just been broken again.
Like a scab that just won't go away, one wrong move and it's torn open again. I've been struggling with self-harm, eating disorders, and more since I was eight. Nobody talks about how exhausting it is to not eat, or to self-harm. It's so exhausting, but it makes me feel okay. If this hurts, I won't focus on the inside hurt. Just the outside, the blood dripping down my legs and arms, or even it staining my clothing. It gives me a weird rush, a rush of adrenaline, like wow, my pain isn't in my body for now, It's here, it doesn't hurt. The blood sticking to my pants and sleeves feels weird, and it makes me sad. To know that I didn't make it like I promised I was. I promised I was clean. I've been lying out of my ass. Who is this "I've been clean for two years" You liar. You broke that in January, December, and even in June, and August too. You lied. To everyone, You lied to mom, to you're siblings, and your friends. You're therapist. You're family.
You are a liar. A really stupid liar. You don't think that they have caught on? They have. They know, they're going to send you away. All because you can't think of others. You can't think of others' feelings. What if they saw you, what about your baby sister? What would she think? Would she cry? Would she hate you?
You are a mistake Lee MinSeok. You do not belong here, You are a horrible horrible person.
