“ you don't have to deal with everything alone. ”
an old meme // @sestravtoraya
the pride the prevents his request for help is not shallow. it is rooted deep within his soul ; nested amongst childhood memories, amongst lessons of strength his father had taught, restraining not only his desire to accept assistance, but his ability to do so. the pain he holds is shameful, and the prospect that someone might come close enough to know it, to see beyond the physical agony into what havoc it spurs within him, creates discomfort enough that he withdraws as well as he is able. what option does he have but to deal with this all alone —- what but to welcome in another, to allow her past the barriers guarding his thoughts that, however much pain they impose, have been constructed for a reason.
“ what way is there to deal with anything except to do it alone? ” injury has weakened him, but this roughness has another source ; it seemed to come from a knot in his throat, from the pit in his stomach that reminds him that what he intends to do alone —- what he grapples with now —- is his own death. is this not what people are meant to fear? their own ends, met without a caring soul to help them through it? the ceasing of an existence that will not be immediately mourned? it seems rather ridiculous, and thus andrei cannot make sense of why he himself is afraid of it as well. this, he does not expect her to understand, however ---- and so the repression, the distance, becomes a necessity. a matter of pride so far advanced that he has come to believe he requires even when his life is slipping from his grasp.
