#andrei rants

[captainsparkly]

rants of a panromantic

 t title says it tbh

don’t read if you don’t want me to bitch about my life lmao

but long story short: i may or may not have accidentally slipped i was panro to my cousins 

this is a v long post egh so much emotion

“It’s just a phase”

Okay. But what if it’s not a fucking phase?? What if this is really what I wanna be?

I really don’t get the big fucking deal in this. The only “problem” in this is that, hi, the person I’m into doesn’t have a dick and I don’t either. 

If I mentioned that other party had a dick, I’m pretty sure your reactions would be:

”Oh my gosh!! Is he cute?”

”Awhh you’re such a couple!!”

”I hope you guys work out int he future!!”

But no. I’m not into someone with a dick. Instead you tell me that “oohh i’ve been in that phase before it’s not gonna work”

How are you sure that I’m gonna end up like you? What if I, I dunno, don’t end up like you. 

Sure, fine. Some of your “advice” made sense. but half of it was just telling me “you’re not pan lol you’re straight like us stop it”

but istg what triggered me was “it’s just a phase” 

This just makes me wanna prove you wrong so bad and I am telling you now, if ever whatever I have works out now, you are fucking invited to watch, front row seats to my possible future wedding, and I will remind you that you once told me all of this was just a FUCKING phase. 

[captainsparkly]

life update

more like “hi tumblr you are now my fucking journal”

SO REMEMBER WHEN I HAD THIS CRUSH ON SOMEONE HAHA THEY LIKE ME BACK AND OH MY GOD EVERYTHING SEEMS SO UNREAL  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

on a note though, i feel hella anxiety about this

their exes give me HELLA anxiety like wow im a dork im a loser your exes sound like they’re much more interesting than me im really lame why me;;;

but goddaMMIT i love them so much AAAAAAAAAA

[captainsparkly]

another boring life update

first thing’s first tho, my icon is by @seiii--tan lmao i cant draw as well as she does go follow the mofo they make 111/10 art 

so

about my anxiety.

Has it gotten worse? Yea and nah. Nah because someone actually likes me and I just feel so akswnjegbhrgjjiwwrgeg about it  

Yea because the feeling where everyone hates me is back. I honestly don’t wanna deal with this feeling anymore. I should be used to it lmao, but, I dunno??? ugh 

[captainsparkly]

There are days where I can take their shit and I’m telling you today is not one of those days. Even if I point out that they just poked at my insecurities, they would

a) call me a killjoy and tell me to calm down

b) ask me if i was on my period

c) say they were just joking

They KNOW I’m a sensitive fuck, so why the fuck are they still running their mouths. And they DON’T expect me to be in a bad mood. And I can’t say anything about them because that would be ~*disrespectful*~. 

Istg I get along with them just fine, but whenever they talk about me or my feelings like that, it makes me hate them the way I hate them back then (i hate them less now but back then oh boy what i would do to get the fuck away from them)

((please, @ family.

Don’t make me hate you again. I spent a few years trying to understand you. Don’t make me fucking hate you.))

[captainsparkly]

i need rant space lmao this isnt even worth your time

yes, i’m fucking jealous. i’m jealous that EVERYTHING goes your fucking way. i try my very best, and tbh, i work harder than you at shit, and you will ALWAYS be better. there will never be something i’m good at. you always have the advantage. you are fucking PRIVILEGED. please drill that into your FUCKING head. i’m not. no matter how hard i fucking try, shit will NEVER extremely well with me. 

don’t fucking tell me to “do my best”. do you honestly think i half-ass do the shit i atleast i *think* im good at? no. fuck you. just because i look fucking chill doesn’t mean i am. i say i don’t care? it’s called fucking LYING. do you honestly think i want people to know i give a shit about the things you say? every fucking time you talk about a great experience you’ve had for the NTH time, i smile and complement you. why? because that’s what a fucking polite person does. but when I say MY shit to you, what do you do? you brush it the FUCK off.

istg blood relative or not there will come a day i will run out of patience with you

[captainsparkly]

so basically i still have a month of summer vacation before senior high starts

and my mom promised to take me to a psychiatrist before i enter senior high so i can have a “clear mind”

and i personally think she just said that to calm me down from my breakdown

i get that she’s busy and she doesn’t really have time, but i hope she understands that i can’t go and get checked by myself. even if i got checked by myself, when i get home, it’ll be hard to explain things to her. 

i mean, i’ve been subtly dropping hints that there *might* be something wrong with me even BEFORE she was super busy. and she’s NOTICED that there might be something wrong. i hope she understands i cant keep self diagnosing myself.

and i dont think she acknowledges that i may or may not have bpd. my friends have been urging me to get checked, but i cant. 

but like idk i feel like if i ever push getting checked i’ll feel like a total burden, since as i said before, she’s juggling so many things at the same time rn

uuuguuguguguughhhh i just wanna know if im okay.