Hey y’all heads up my username was formerly androgynousandafraid, it’s changed now to rebelmothman to match the rest of my social media.
This change has been a long time coming—I’ve had this blog for almost a decade, and this username for about half that, but I made it as a very different person: alone and anxious at the start of college, as a baby 17 year old 🐣
I’ve been nostalgically fond of it but honestly, I’ve outgrown it. I’m not particularly androgynous (baby me didn’t know the difference between androgynous and nonbinary!) and I’m also not profoundly afraid anymore. Yay character growth! 😌Just wanted to give you all a heads up, and also say feel free to follow me on Twitter or Instagram, my handle is also rebelmothman on those. 💚
It's like a mini infinity scarf--in Hufflepuff colors because Hufflepuff pride...
Ignore the hat I know it doesn't match but it's cold in my apartment and I'm too sleepy to go find a matching one... wait I haven't made any matching hats yet. Gosh darn it another project....
dear friends and followers and unfortunate lost souls who have wound up on my blog,
you may or may not have noticed my frequent freak out posts about gender, college, anxiety, etc.?
here is the deal:
I have just begun my freshman year of college as an undeclared major in a new city where I know basically no one.
I have also just begun questioning my gender, going by a more androgynous name and neutral pronouns, and started telling people about it.
I have pretty damn bad anxiety that is currently untreated. These are two huge life changes and I cannot deal with them both at once. Since college is necessary and unavoidable, as I am already here and moved in, and gender is much more internal and easy to deal with at my own pace, I am choosing to slow wayyyyyy down on my gender exploration in favor of settling into college and becoming comfortable with my surroundings and current life situation first.
I have realized over the past week that while being at college (especially a fairly liberal college with a lot of art students, queer people, etc.) is potentially a great place to try out a new name and new pronouns and more openly explore my gender identity, doing so is also (a) still a very difficult ordeal both internally and because of the outside world not understanding, etc. and (b) making me feel very distant from my family, especially my mother. I am very homesick and not reacting very well to this huge change in my life, and going by a name my mother doesn't know and an identity she wouldn't understand is only making me feel more distant from home. I know that many people have to or believe it is worth it to go through that kind of distance in order to be who they are, but I my small family has just been through a really difficult time and distancing myself from them in any way feels awful and sets off my anxiety way too much. Even though changing my name and pronouns might be more comfortable in certain moments, it ultimately is making me feel cut off from my past and my family and my home. If things were different and I could be more open with them about this, then I might not feel this way, but that is not the case.
Please understand that this does not mean I am cisgender, this does not mean I am halting my gender questioning altogether, and it does not mean I won't eventually experiment with names and pronouns again. It just means that right now, I am not ready to deal with so much change at once, and I am slowing way down and keeping my name and probably my pronouns that I have always had to maintain a link to my life before in order to cope with my life now. This is much more to do with my anxiety than my gender, honestly. Experimenting with your gender can be really scary and new and all of that, and I am simply not ready to deal with that right now in addition to the other changes in my life.
Also, I will probably be changing my URL again-I know, I know, too many changes in the last few months, but as much as I love androgynousandafraid, I changed to that URL on a whim and I have been realizing recently that seeing a constant reminder that I am afraid about all this and feel androgynous sometimes is actually a trigger for my anxiety. I apologize for any confusion.
Thank you for being there for me, whether you are my friend or just a person out there who hasn't hit the unfollow button yet. I really appreciate all the support I've gotten from you all.
All that said, for the time being, please call me Sarah again. I know it's confusing, but I really truly do think that it will help lessen my anxiety to feel less like I'm living a weird double life, even online, and more like I am still welcome in my own past and life and home. As for pronouns, I guess I'm going to stick with "she" for the time being, as well, on the same grounds.
If you've actually read this whole thing, I love you to pieces. Thank you so much, all of you. I owe you guys my sanity, honestly.
