2017: I’m Starting With The Man In The Mirror
You and I have something in common. We have experienced, are currently experiencing or will experience failure in one form or another in some area of our lives. Whether it be financially, relationally, morally or professionally; you and I are always one bad decision away from finding ourselves with a lot of explaining to do. We’re always one poor choice away from a mess. I’ve often sat opposite friends and family members who’ve found themselves in a mess and as I have sat and listened to their stories, I have discovered that messes are no respecter of persons. The only way to guardrail yourself and to live with fewer regrets is to learn from the wisdom gained through those costly experiences and to leverage that learning to make wiser choices. I know what you’re thinking, “this is another one of those New Year’s Resolution blog posts”, and you’re not wrong, but I’d like to propose a different approach to how you and I could make sure that as it pertains to our proclivity to make bad choices, this year won’t be like last year in that specific area of our lives.
You’ve probably set (and maybe even already broken) your new year’s resolutions around your weight and your finances. I’ve got nothing against those types of goals at all. I definitely think we should all aim to be in better physical shape and to be better stewards of our money but since you are more than just a physical body and your life is more than just a balance sheet, perhaps it’s time to discuss how this season of change can be your path to a new “you” on the inside. The reason I think this is an effective strategy at the beginning of a new year is because it’s always a mistake to decide what you want to do (lose weight, save more money, stop eating meat etc.) before you resolve the question of who you want to be. My approach to that is to start with the mess in the mirror. Yes you read that right, I’m starting with the man in the mirror and I’m asking him to change his ways.
As my year ended and I reflected on all that had transpired in 2016, I found myself staring in the mirror and seeing a guy who needed to make sure that the next year would not be like the last. Don’t get me wrong, some great stuff happened in 2016 and I am so grateful to my friends and my family who supported me through some major changes. You guys know yourselves. Thank you. Some of the highlights of 2016 were that: I built a great team at work, I made a big career change, I upgraded my living space, and over 100000 miles later I can say I saw a whole lot more of the world than ever before. I also started #IAmMyBrothersKeeper and supported the campaign against miserable living (CALM)’s effort to keep guys alive through talking. The peaks were very high but valleys were very low. In the same year I also let myself down in many ways. I made some really poor choices, I didn’t always live up to the values I extol and often put my own needs and desires ahead of the people around me. Socrates said on one occasion that “the unexamined life is not worth living” so while I was on vacation over the Christmas break I seized the opportunity to do some state of the heart soul searching. I decided that this year I would look in the mirror and the person who would be looking back at me would be someone I could respect. I had to fix the mess in the mirror. In order to start over, I’d like to share 3 BIG ideas. Before you start round 2017 financially, relationally, professionally or otherwise, would you pause and consider these ideas because something in me believes so strongly that next time could be better than last time for you.
OWN IT
In order to ensure that your negative history doesn’t repeat itself in your future you need to OWN your role in your negative history. You’ve got to pause long enough to own your responsibility in the mess. The reason we’re not good at this is that we often blame our way out of bad decisions. “It wasn’t my fault” is often a default but certainly not an effective strategy for making better decisions in the future. Here’s what you and I do when we mess up… we hide until we’re caught. If you and I don’t pause and take full responsibility we effectively undermine our own future and happiness. Not owning our part in the mess is the mechanism through which many of us have smuggled our issues into our future. I can’t emphasize how important this is. Because I have shirked responsibility in my past messes I have had to lose things that should have naturally fit in my future. Not taking responsibility brought back that familiar feeling of regret as the truth surfaced. My past showed up and ruined my new start. I really don’t want that for you or I in 2017 so let’s OWN IT. We make peace with our past by owning our piece of the past. So here’s the question as it pertains to your finances, your romantic relationships or your career… what was your part? A word of warning if you’re going to own it for real: you will get no sympathy for genuine confession. You will probably get backlash and your reputation will take a hit. Some of your inner circle may even shun you because of guilt by association. That’s okay. The important thing is that you will be free and that freedom is so worth it.
RE-THINK IT
Have you ever asked yourself this question… “What was I thinking?” I have. If I look back on the areas of my life where I have had to “own it”, my own bad decisions don’t even make sense to me in retrospect. Perhaps it’s the benefit of hindsight that allows me to say that now, but it’s so clear looking back how poor some of those choices were. The challenge most of us have, and I am super guilty of this, is that we don’t camp out long enough on the “What was I thinking?” question to come up with a good answer. Consequently, the way we think doesn’t change. We still think the same way and because we still think the same way, inevitably we do the same things. Insanity isn’t it: doing (thinking) the same thing and expecting different results. The challenge with re-thinking the past is that is requires something that I’m often tempted to brush aside. It requires time. Time is your friend and my friend when it comes to understanding how next time can be different from last time. It takes time to come to place when you and I understand FULLY why we did what we did, and how we can change our mindset so that when the same or a similar set of circumstances appear we will respond differently. Sincerity and commitment are actually not enough. You and I need time. In our bid to accelerate the process you and I will come across some thought patterns that will try to convince us that we are ready for the next thing. Here are 7 such assumptions:
1. If I find the right person everything will be alright. Actually NO. If you become the right person (which takes time) then things will be better.
2. My situation is unique. Actually NO. You and I are unique but our messes have happened before. Someone got into a mess similar to this before you or I.
3. It’s not right but it makes me happy. Actually NO. If it’s not right it’s wrong. If it’s not right it won’t turn out right.
4. If only I had _________ then I would be satisfied. Actually NO. Our appetites (for approval, sex, fame, food etc.) are never fully and finally satisfied.
5. I owe is better than I want. Actually NO. It’s better to want than to owe.
6. My secret is safe with me. Actually NO. Secrets seep. If you take secrets into any relationship you just break hearts.
7. Sex will solve it. Actually NO. Sex will complicate it.
So… What were you thinking?
RELEASE IT
None of us want the people, situations, and decisions that caused us pain in the past to have an opportunity to resurface in our future in the same way. So just like we have to own our part of the problem if we’re going to have a better 2017, we also have to address the other players that contributed to creating the mess. If you and I don’t address those people, processes and places, they will smuggle themselves into 2017 on a free ticket and the future will look a lot like the past. In order to really get under the hood of this, there are two questions I have to ask you. They’re not nice questions but they are incredibly powerful.
How far into your future do you intend to carry the angst created in your past?
How long do you plan to allow the people who mistreated you to influence you?
Every once in a while I meet someone who seems to have a wrinkle free life. Everything in their world looks great. They have a great job, they’re in great shape, they have savings, they’re spiritual and balanced. As I’ve begun to talk to these types of people, I’m always astonished at the fact that somewhere in their past, they have a story that doesn’t fit with their current circumstances. Often times they experienced a huge failure morally, financially, relationally or professionally and that event became the catalyst for them turning a new leaf. There is something that all these great people, some of whom have mentored me through some really challenging tests in my short life, have in common. When they explain their journeys to me, at some point in their story, this phrase comes up… “I decided.” They resolved that their past would remind them but it would not define them. They made up their mind. If you and I are going to have a better 2017 here’s what we have to do: we have to release the past so that the past can release us. We have to leverage our past experiences to inform future decisions but simultaneously ensure that the past does not control our lives. So how do you release it? Forgiveness is one way. Forgiveness is what allows you to learn the lessons from the past without lugging around the luggage from the past. The reason why I think forgiveness is also powerful is because, for some of the wrongs that have been done to you, no apology will ever be sincere enough. If that’s the case, then are you willing to deny yourself a rich and fulfilling future because you are angry? I’m not saying you are not justified… I’m just asking if they’re worth it.
Ok, let’s wrap this up. I really hope you have an AWESOME 2017. I hope that you OWN IT, RE-THINK and RELEASE IT. I hope your dreams come true this year. I hope you find peace for your distress and you make better quality decisions and live with fewer regrets. I hope this year is better than last year for you. I hope you get the job, I hope you fall in love, I hope you get out of debt and for some of you, I hope you lose weight. I was really trying to avoid leaning too much on pop song lyrics in this post but I’m going to end this particular post with words from a song we all probably know by heart. The first part is something true and the second part is my promise to you. Before I leave you with that thought, I’d like to ask you for a favour… If someone in your life is in a mess right now, go easy on them. Too many people quit on life because they feel like they have hit rock bottom and no one will ever love them given what they have done. Now I’m not saying exonerate them without consequence but I am saying hear them, understand them, help them and love them. Next time it could be you who needs a shoulder to cry on. Have a great year!
Something true:
Sometimes in our lives we all have pain. We all have sorrow. But if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.
My promise to you:
Lean on me, when you're not strong and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on.
What do you think?