Born To Influence Change

Make better decisions. Live with fewer regrets.

[born4change]

There is a (very special) Reason for this Season

It’s the end of the year and I get the sense that MANY of us are looking forward to saying farewell to 2022. A LOT has happened. We started the year in the clutches of a pandemic and are ending it in a global recession, amidst the worst cost of living crisis in living memory. We saw a brutal war emerge ‘seemingly’ out of nowhere and, in the UK, we rotated Prime Ministers in unprecedented fashion. It kind of leaves us all scratching our heads wondering… what in the world just happened and WHY did it happen? And why does so much happen at the same time? I think most of us have an insatiable desire to find meaning or purpose in the most random events in life, ESPECIALLY the negative events. Those events that seem to have no meaning or purpose, or perhaps even worse, seem to indicate that there is no meaning or purpose to life. That life is well… just random. The events of the past year would easily convince many of us that Richard Dawkins was right when he said, “Some people are going to get hurt, other people are going to get lucky, and you won't find any rhyme or reason in it, nor any justice. The universe that we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at the bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but pitiless indifference.”

Merry Christmas. Everyone. 

My struggle is this; even when everything is SCREAMING “random”, there is something in me that continues to scramble to find the good in the bad, the positive in the negative, and the purpose for my pain. What also strikes me is this; I don’t spend A LOT of time looking for a purpose in the good things that happen to me - and neither do you. I don’t spend a lot of time evaluating WHY I didn’t fall sick, WHY I still have a job or WHY the war didn’t start on my doorstep or in my backyard. I kind of EXPECT those things. It’s just good and therefore why evaluate it at all? Good things are means to my preferred end and so I don’t spend time on them. When things are going well we ALL have a tendency to assume that it’s because that’s what’s supposed to happen. Everything is going according to plan - but what PLAN? Whose plan? It’s only when things go off track from this ‘plan’ that we become interested in trying to understand it and even question it. It’s only when things don’t go OUR way that we look for reassurances that someone is in control. That’s not even a religious idea. Think of the phrases people turn to when things don’t go according to plan; “Everything happens for a reason”,  “I don’t believe in coincidence,” “I guess it was meant to be,” “I guess her time had come.” This is virtually universal. When things don’t go our way, regardless of background, we GO LOOKING for meaning. 

Once upon a time, I had a plan. After university, I decided that I would dedicate the rest of my life to serving God through His church. I enrolled on leadership development at my church and began the wonderful journey of church planting and ministry. Those days were long and difficult but I could see the fruit of my hard labour. I loved the hope I could see in the eyes of the broken and hurt when I shared the good news of the gospel with them. It was addictive. I loved encountering people who thought they were a lost cause and helping them find purpose and meaning in life once again. One night, however, that all came to a crashing halt. Our entire congregation was invited to a meeting where we would find out that our beloved pastor had been involved in things of a personal nature that meant he could no longer serve as the shepherd of our flock. It was dizzying. I had laid down a significant part of my life to follow this man and build something truly special. The details of his indiscretions still make me itch when I think about them. Needless to say, I left the church shortly after that and moved to London and never looked back. This was not the plan. Far from it. It was confusing, random, devastating and painful. 

While the story of that night is deeply personal to me, I share it because the story of the first Christmas is NOT THAT DIFFERENT. Everything about that story screams - NOT ACCORDING TO PLAN. Mary had NEVER planned to be famous. Her plan was (I assume) to marry Joseph quietly and live a happily unremarkable life. That is NOT what happened. You know the story. What ensues is a story that so beggars belief it requires FAITH to buy into it. 

A historian called Luke records the story of the first Christmas as such; “In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favoured! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled by his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favour with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.”

So here’s Mary’s situation, in summary, she was;

A teenage girl 

Engaged (probably to someone she hadn’t even met) 

Pregnant 

Didn’t know who the father was 

Claiming to still be a virgin 

Claiming to have been visited by an angel who told her all this 

That’s a tough set of circumstances, isn’t it? Especially if you consider the time and society in which Mary was going through all this. She probably wasn’t full of good cheer or feeling merry at all. I think she must have been terrified and perhaps ashamed. I wonder if Mary was tempted to give up. I wonder if she considered running away. What would you have done? What are you about to do right now given what you’ve been through? I wonder if Mary wondered WHAT THE PLAN WAS?!?!? What was the purpose of that? What was the reason? Why did it have to happen to her? YOU have asked these questions about your own life I'm sure. 

Now, what I am about to say next may seem so obvious and perhaps a little trite. Whenever you face trials of many kinds (like some of the ones described above), would you be willing to take a step back and reframe the situation and actually LOOK for ANY possible positives that might come out of it? I mean proactively seeking to discover HOW you can extract some joy from the difficulty that you may be facing. I know what you’re thinking - you’re thinking that I don’t know the circumstances of your life, that I don’t know what you’ve been through. And you’d be right, I probably don’t. 

Back to my horrible experience the night my world came crashing down. The harvest of that experience is that I have found myself being MORE thoughtful, MORE grateful, MORE prayerful, and MORE aware of the reality of the fragility of everything around me. I share that story BECAUSE I believe it can help YOU to contextualise your pain and discover that God is trying to capture your attention for a purpose that may be bigger than you. Here’s the truth about THAT purpose - sometimes we find it immediately and sometimes we find it eventually. Now I have a life I could only have dreamt of on that night. I have a wonderful wife and daughter and I am blessed to do meaningful work for a living. I cannot say FOR SURE that the life I have today is connected to the events of that night at all, but I can say with confidence that I am a better person for it. My trust is no longer in the hands of fallible men but in THE ONE whose hands are capable of handling ANY random events that life may throw at us. The truth is, that night was not random at all. It was a paragraph in a chapter of the story of my life. A story of a plan I can never know in full. 

At Christmas, we are reminded that life is NOT random - that there is a story going on, a divine story. And if we choose, believe and trust - we can participate. If we choose that, guess what? We’re in good company - we are in company with Mary the mother of Jesus - who was a teenage girl when her life got turned upside down to make way for all of us. So this Christmas, remember, your faith is not in vain - there’s a plan. 

And with that, I say to you… 

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Jack Frost nipping at your nose

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir

And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe

Help to make the season bright

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow

Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that Santa's on his way

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh

And every mother's child is gonna spy

To see if reindeer really know how to fly

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To kids from one to ninety-two

Although it's been said many times, many ways

Merry Christmas to you

[born4change]

This may be the best Christmas you will ever have - here's why I believe that's true.

I REALLY do love this time of the year. I’ve loved it forever because Christmas, for my family, has never been complicated. Two things have always been true for me at Christmas; I will be with my family and my heart will be full, it’s just ALWAYS been true. This year’s Christmas however is very different. I will not be with my “usual” gang of five, I have a family of my own now with Kimberly, and will be spending it in London and not under the freedom of the African Skies. The reason for being apart is widely known to us all at this point, the coronavirus has ravaged every fabric of our society and livelihoods and left us vexed and disgruntled. So many people have been left broken and devastated by the pandemic and Christmas just doesn’t FEEL merry. 

Perhaps you were meant to graduate and you had been dreaming of that moment forever. Perhaps you’ve lost your job or you’ve been furloughed and your quality of life has been drastically altered. Over the lockdown period, we’ve all experienced a change of circumstance that has probably brought out our worst selves. Our deepest fears, our darkest thoughts, our most desperate urges and our most intense anxieties. We’ve come to the edge of our finances, we’ve wondered whether we made the right relational choices, we’ve never felt more lonely or perhaps more crowded. For my wife and I, having done our traditional wedding in the August of 2019 in Zimbabwe, it was totally unthinkable that we would not be able to exchange our vows with our friends and family a year later and would actually be unable to even visit our nearest and dearest halfway across the world. It was heartbreaking. On what was supposed to be our wedding day, we took ourselves to the countryside and postulated about whether we would have been having a great time on the day. What do we do when there’s nothing that we CAN do? What do we do when it is what it is but we don’t like what IT IS? It’s ALWAYS been the most wonderful time of the year for me, however, over the years I have come to realise that Christmas is the MOST WONDERFUL time of the year not because of what is happening TO US but because of what is happening, oftentimes, IN US and perhaps MORE importantly what happened for us. If we focused on what is happening TO US, we would realise that even at Christmas, there are PROBLEMS we can’t solve, PEOPLE we cant control and EXPECTATIONS we can’t meet. That wouldn’t make for a very MERRY Christmas would it? 

One of the most fascinating realisations I have had about Christmas, in particular, the FIRST Christmas, is that it wasn’t all that merry and yet - it was the genesis of all the joy, cheerfulness, hope celebration and love that we associate with Christmas today. It didn’t FEEL merry for those who went through it but it turned out to be the best Christmas EVER. This is why I believe it’s so IMPORTANT to go back to that first Christmas in order to gain perspective on how we can experience and celebrate a merry Christmas this year. A historian called Luke records the story of the first Christmas as such; “In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favoured! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favour with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.”

So here’s Mary’s situation in summary, she is;

* A teenage girl 


* Engaged (probably to someone she hasn’t even met) 


* Pregnant 


* Doesn’t know who the father is 


* Claiming to still be a virgin 


* Claiming to have been visited by an angel who told her all this 


That’s a tough set of circumstances isn’t it? Especially if you consider the time and society in which Mary was going through all this. She probably wasn’t full of good cheer or feeling merry at all. I think she must have been terrified and perhaps ashamed. I wonder if Mary was tempted to give up. I wonder if she considered running away. What would you have done? What are you about to do right now given what you’ve been through?

So how does Mary’s story end? You know how it goes. Mary gives birth to a baby boy, just as Luke tells us. That baby boy grows up to become a man whose incredible claim is that he is the son of God and the saviour of the world.  His message is one of love, forgiveness and acceptance. He teaches that what’s in your heart is more important than what you say. He teaches that everyone deserves a second chance and can recover from any calamity. He turns the world upside down with his assertions that kindness, goodness, patience and mercy are virtues worth living for. That man is crucified on a roman cross for his claims. 2000 years later, we still pack up our bags and our families and travel hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles across the whole world to celebrate his birth. Literally millions of people’s lives have been transformed as they have put their faith in that man and his message. Now, do you think Mary knew that at the time when that angel broke the news to her? Of course not, but we never really know do we? We are invited, at Christmas, to hope and believe that our story also has an ending worthy of the pain.

Now, what I am about to say next may seem so obvious and perhaps a little trite. Whenever you face trials of many kinds (like some of the ones described above), would you be willing to take a step back and reframe the situation and actually LOOK for ANY possible positives that might come out of it?  I mean proactively seek to discover HOW you can extract some joy from the difficulty that you may be facing. I know what you’re thinking - you’re thinking that I don’t know the circumstances of your life, that I don’t know what you’ve been through. And you’d be right, I  probably don’t. 

The “silver lining” of this season or the “light” at the end of my pandemic tunnel is very simple, this season ends with the fact that next year I become a father to a little girl. The stress, worry, disappointment and anxiety of this year just seems to pale in comparison to the hope I have for the future. My daughter and the vision of our little family is my light in the darkness and THAT light shines in the darkness and the darkness will never overcome it. The darkness of debt, the darkness of strife, the darkness of hopelessness and even the darkness of the pandemic will NEVER overcome it. That’s the spirit of Christmas. 

The best present ever

Kimberly and I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas from the bottom of our hearts as we close out another year together. Thank you for your friendship, your support, your belief in us, your encouragement and your love. Our prayer for you is that you would find peace and joy at this time. We pray that you laugh until your tummy hurts, that your homes would be full of warmth, memories and good cheer. We pray for healing for your pain, we pray for calm in your storms, we pray for your rest if you are weary and we pray for hope to be restored in your heart and in your life.

Joy to the world! The Lord is come! Let earth receive her King! Let every heart prepare Him room and heaven and nature sing. 

We love you. 

Munya & Kimberly  

[born4change]

Merry Christmas Everyone

[born4change]

This may be the best Christmas you will ever have - here's why I believe that's true.

I REALLY do love this time of the year. I’ve loved it forever because Christmas, for my family, has never been complicated. Two things have always been true for me at Christmas; I will be with my family and my heart will be full, it’s just ALWAYS been true. This year’s Christmas however is very different. I will not be with my “usual” gang of five, I have a family of my own now with Kimberly, and will be spending it in London and not under the freedom of the African Skies. The reason for being apart is widely known to us all at this point, the coronavirus has ravaged every fabric of our society and livelihoods and left us vexed and disgruntled. So many people have been left broken and devastated by the pandemic and Christmas just doesn’t FEEL merry. 

Perhaps you were meant to graduate and you had been dreaming of that moment forever. Perhaps you’ve lost your job or you’ve been furloughed and your quality of life has been drastically altered. Over the lockdown period, we’ve all experienced a change of circumstance that has probably brought out our worst selves. Our deepest fears, our darkest thoughts, our most desperate urges and our most intense anxieties. We’ve come to the edge of our finances, we’ve wondered whether we made the right relational choices, we’ve never felt more lonely or perhaps more crowded. For my wife and I, having done our traditional wedding in the August of 2019 in Zimbabwe, it was totally unthinkable that we would not be able to exchange our vows with our friends and family a year later and would actually be unable to even visit our nearest and dearest halfway across the world. It was heartbreaking. On what was supposed to be our wedding day, we took ourselves to the countryside and postulated about whether we would have been having a great time on the day. What do we do when there’s nothing that we CAN do? What do we do when it is what it is but we don’t like what IT IS? It’s ALWAYS been the most wonderful time of the year for me, however, over the years I have come to realise that Christmas is the MOST WONDERFUL time of the year not because of what is happening TO US but because of what is happening, oftentimes, IN US and perhaps MORE importantly what happened for us. If we focused on what is happening TO US, we would realise that even at Christmas, there are PROBLEMS we can't solve, PEOPLE we cant control and EXPECTATIONS we can’t meet. That wouldn’t make for a very MERRY Christmas would it? 

One of the most fascinating realisations I have had about Christmas, in particular, the FIRST Christmas, is that it wasn’t all that merry and yet - it was the genesis of all the joy, cheerfulness, hope celebration and love that we associate with Christmas today. It didn’t FEEL merry for those who went through it but it turned out to be the best Christmas EVER. This is why I believe it’s so IMPORTANT to go back to that first Christmas in order to gain perspective on how we can experience and celebrate a merry Christmas this year. A historian called Luke records the story of the first Christmas as such; “In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favoured! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favour with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.”

So here’s Mary’s situation in summary, she is;

* A teenage girl 


* Engaged (probably to someone she hasn’t even met) 


* Pregnant 


* Doesn’t know who the father is 


* Claiming to still be a virgin 


* Claiming to have been visited by an angel who told her all this 


That’s a tough set of circumstances isn’t it? Especially if you consider the time and society in which Mary was going through all this. She probably wasn’t full of good cheer or feeling merry at all. I think she must have been terrified and perhaps ashamed. I wonder if Mary was tempted to give up. I wonder if she considered running away. What would you have done? What are you about to do right now given what you’ve been through?

So how does Mary’s story end? You know how it goes. Mary gives birth to a baby boy, just as Luke tells us. That baby boy grows up to become a man whose incredible claim is that he is the son of God and the saviour of the world.  His message is one of love, forgiveness and acceptance. He teaches that what’s in your heart is more important than what you say. He teaches that everyone deserves a second chance and can recover from any calamity. He turns the world upside down with his assertions that kindness, goodness, patience and mercy are virtues worth living for. That man is crucified on a roman cross for his claims. 2000 years later, we still pack up our bags and our families and travel hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles across the whole world to celebrate his birth. Literally millions of people’s lives have been transformed as they have put their faith in that man and his message. Now, do you think Mary knew that at the time when that angel broke the news to her? Of course not, but we never really know do we? We are invited, at Christmas, to hope and believe that our story also has an ending worthy of the pain.

Now, what I am about to say next may seem so obvious and perhaps a little trite. Whenever you face trials of many kinds (like some of the ones described above), would you be willing to take a step back and reframe the situation and actually LOOK for ANY possible positives that might come out of it?  I mean proactively seek to discover HOW you can extract some joy from the difficulty that you may be facing. I know what you’re thinking - you’re thinking that I don’t know the circumstances of your life, that I don’t know what you’ve been through. And you’d be right, I  probably don’t. 

The “silver lining” of this season or the “light” at the end of my pandemic tunnel is very simple, this season ends with the fact that next year I become a father to a little girl. The stress, worry, disappointment and anxiety of this year just seems to pale in comparison to the hope I have for the future. My daughter and the vision of our little family is my light in the darkness and THAT light shines in the darkness and the darkness will never overcome it. The darkness of debt, the darkness of strife, the darkness of hopelessness and even the darkness of the pandemic will NEVER overcome it. That’s the spirit of Christmas. 

The best present ever

Kimberly and I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas from the bottom of our hearts as we close out another year together. Thank you for your friendship, your support, your belief in us, your encouragement and your love. Our prayer for you is that you would find peace and joy at this time. We pray that you laugh until your tummy hurts, that your homes would be full of warmth, memories and good cheer. We pray for healing for your pain, we pray for calm in your storms, we pray for your rest if you are weary and we pray for hope to be restored in your heart and in your life.

Joy to the world! The Lord is come! Let earth receive her King! Let every heart prepare Him room and heaven and nature sing. 

We love you. 

Munya & Kimberly  

[born4change]

Best. Holiday. Ever.

“The sea air always heals us in inexplicable and necessary ways. The pleasure we indulge in and in which our senses rejoice intoxicates us with health in our bones. This communion with deep, bottomless and unlimited nature refreshes our souls. Fatigue and weariness disappear, suddenly replaced by feelings of expansiveness and plentitude.

Reinvigorated, we set for home. How jealousy we guard the secret of simple pleasures, this health-giving remedy for the daily tensions of life.”

“This is a long shot but I’m planning to celebrate my 30th birthday in Thailand at the end of October and I was wondering if you can make it.” That is how my journey to Karon Beach began in earnest. The answer to that question was YES before the details were clear and I put this down to a mix of FOMO and an appetite for novelty. It also helped that the ask was coming from my cousin and dear friend. To be absolutely frank, the Thai trip was badly needed for a variety of reasons. The year up until that point had not been easy. I had been grappling with settling into a new job in a completely new vertical and all the politics and drama that comes with that transition. In addition to that, I had only managed to take 5 days off (See Italy Trip Post) to rest in 8 months and by the time the Thai trip came along, I was burning out. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, this was also the year that I lost touch with a lot of my close friends in London and had not been able to be a part of our usual big family week(end) away. That time away had become a place where our London family would get together and catch up, love on each other, reflect, laugh, take walks on the beach, play board games, binge watch TV shows and, of course, overeat. It was exactly what you imagine it’s like when good friends become a family and go away together. For reasons that deserve their own post altogether, that wasn’t possible this year and may never be again. There was a HUGE friends-that-become-family shaped hole in my life and I was feeling it. So, like anyone needing a radical intervention, I booked my flights, packed my bags and set off for Phuket.

There were to be 18 people in total on this trip flying in from 4 continents and with some traveling over 24 hours to make it. Commitment. I knew 6 of them and have known them for over 15 years. For that subset, it was, in essence, a high school reunion. With everyone else, however, I would be putting myself out there and trying to make new friends. That endeavor, as I see it was a resounding success. I’m so grateful I went and I cannot even begin to express how special the memories we created together are or how much they mean to me. I cannot, without boring you or wearing out my keyboard, tell all the tales of our late nights and early mornings in Patong and Bangla. However, I can share some key things that I learned about myself and my new friends-who-are-becoming-family. So without further ado, here are 3 reasons why you need a Thai-Type-Trip in your near future.

 Your Environment May Be Enabling Your Status Quo

I hadn’t fully comprehended how important it is to leave your nest and explore the world every so often until I made the trip to Thailand. My flat, my office and the routine I have between those two places is essentially what shapes most of my days. When I am commuting between the two, I don’t pursue the sunshine or even pause long enough to admire the flowers that have sprouted by the roadside or to notice bird’s nest in the tree I stand under every day as I wait for bus 176. I miss so much detail because I am either trying to get to the office or trying to get home.

 That lack sensitivity to my surroundings in on par with the lack of sensitivity to my internals as well. I know that I can go for months without stopping to check if everything is okay in my heart and whether I am being intentional about who I am becoming as a person. Traveling has the effect of taking that away somewhat. When that routine is disrupted, the first few days are… weird. I don’t know how not to be trying to get somewhere to do something. Then slowly but surely, the ice starts to melt. I take a walk by the beach, I go a for deep tissue massage, I sit by the pool for hours… suddenly, there is enough capacity in my mind to inquire as to whether I am okay… really. The wonderful thing about this trip, in my view, is that everybody arrived in need of that cathartic experience because, well, adulting is hard. We spent hours allowing ourselves to let demands that often intimidate and pressurize us professionally, financially and relationally fade into the distance while we got lost in the present. The status quo had been disrupted and it was glorious. When was the last time you truly embraced and kissed the present moment? Perhaps it’s time.

 You need people to play with, pray with, laugh with and cry with

This seems too obvious to state but we all have an insatiable appetite for acceptance. The irony is we only ever really experience acceptance when we are fully known and have no fear of rejection. This is why it’s so devastating to lose close friends because suddenly, your ’safe place’ no longer exists and you have nowhere to go to be vulnerable, open and honest. This can go on for a long time as an unconsidered need or at least one that is not watered or fed enough. I can remember on one of our many afternoons sat by the pool at Karon Beach, suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of contentment. Nothing dramatic had happened and there was nothing particularly remarkable going on. What I was experiencing was a sense of belonging. I looked around at this group of old friends and new and I realized something, these were, perhaps even for these 10 days, MY people and I was one of them. That feeling unlocked deep and meaningful conversations, tears, laughter, banter, and celebration. We were enjoying each other and we were soaking in those moments like rose petals in full bloom. We were there to give to each other, to receive from each other and to share in each other’s’ experiences. You need this. Trust me.

 Invest in radical self-love

No one is going to walk up to you and suddenly declare that they see how hard you have been working and in light of that, they would like to send you on an all-expenses-paid trip to Thailand because you’ve earned it. That occurrence is highly unlikely. That doesn’t make you any less deserving of such a gesture or make the fact that you have worked your socks off any less true. The reality is this… YOU have to prioritize your mental and physical well-being in order to operate at your best. What this trip taught me is that the healing remedies that come with being away may seem like a cost or an unnecessary expense, however, not investing in yourself in this way has long-term repercussions that are not easy to remedy once they have occurred.

Burn out, depression, anxiety, stress, and loneliness have the ability to negatively disrupt the direction and quality of your life. Trying to address these challenges when they are starting to appear in your life is often a sign that you are too late. I would suggest we all embark on a journey of radical self-love. This is not selfishness. This is the recognition that if I am to try and love my neighbor as I love myself, I have to know how to love myself and invest in that meaningfully. Listen to your body and your mind. Pay attention to your heart.

 Finally, I would like to thank this awesome group of friends-that-are-becoming-family for the best time. I appreciate you all and I cannot wait to see you soon.

[born4change]

Do For One What You Wish You Could Do For Everyone - Project 29

On December 19, 2011, United Nations General Assembly adopted Resolution 66/170 to declare October 11 as the International Day of the Girl Child, to recognize girls’ rights and the unique challenges girls face around the world. The International Day of the Girl Child focuses attention on the need to address the challenges girls face and to promote girls’ empowerment and the fulfilment of their human rights.

Today I would like to highlight one heroine who, through an incredible campaign which began in her birthday month of September, is bringing the dreams of and education and a brighter future come true for 30 girls at a school in one of the most remote parts of Zimbabwe.

We all LOVE it when our birthdays come along. We enjoy the attention, the celebration and of course the presents. For many of us, birthdays are a chance for us to indulge ourselves without any guilt whatsoever. We wonder what we are going to get and we enjoy being on the receiving end. Well most of us do. Kimberly Rudo Gwanzura took a different approach this year as she marked her 29th birthday. As opposed to asking ‘what can I get?’, she flipped that narrative on it’s head and asked ‘what can I give?’ The answer to that question was simple: a Big Hairy Audacious Goal.

Kimberley, who is based in Canada, asked friends and family not to go about the usual business of spoiling her but instead divert resources towards raising school fees for 29 girls in order to secure their education at Nyarutombo Primary School in Zimbabwe. The goals for the fundraise was $1300. To cut a long (and remarkable) story short, the fund were raised and as it stands, 30 girls have their futures secure and will be able to attend school without shame or worry about the affordability of their tuition. I think that’s remarkable. Some of those girls will learn to read this year and some will get to write their own names for the first time. For some, these funds will give them an opportunity to sit exams to enter a decent high school and for many it will mean that resources can be diverted to providing basics at home such as food and clothing.

Project 29, as it was named, taught me a lot about determination, belief and stepping out of the comfort zone. This is something that we are all capable of. Education may not be your passion but I’m certain you have something that inspires you to take action. Kimberley taught me and others who belong to our small circle of young professionals focused on impacting the world through our gifts, talents, energy, creativity, and love that small acts of kindness and faith can and will always make a BIG difference to someone.

So here’s my challenge to you, for that one person or that small group of people - if you see a need, meet it, if you know the price, pay it and don’t talk yourself out of it.

Adolescent girls have the right to a safe, educated, and healthy life, not only during these critical formative years, but also as they mature into women. If effectively supported during the adolescent years, girls have the potential to change the world – both as the empowered girls of today and as tomorrow’s workers, mothers, entrepreneurs, mentors, household heads, and political leaders. An investment in realising the power of adolescent girls upholds their rights today and promises a more equitable and prosperous future, one in which half of humanity is an equal partner in solving the problems of climate change, political conflict, economic growth, disease prevention, and global sustainability.

Over the last 15 years, the global community has made significant progress in improving the lives of girls during early childhood. In 2015, girls in the first decade of life are more likely to enrol in primary school, receive key vaccinations, and are less likely to suffer from health and nutrition problems than were previous generations. However, there has been insufficient investment in addressing the challenges girls face when they enter the second decade of their lives. This includes obtaining quality secondary and higher education, avoiding child marriage, receiving information and services related to puberty and reproductive health, and protecting themselves against unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease and gender-based violence.

As the global community launches the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) for implementation over the next 15 years, it is a good time to recognise the achievements made in supporting young girls, while at the same time aspiring to support the current and upcoming generation of adolescent girls, to truly fulfil their potential as key actors in achieving a sustainable and equitable world.

What breaks your heart?

[born4change]

My Name is Munya & I’m A People Pleaser

There’s something very uncomfortable that is true about you and I. We are both currently going through life with someone’s approval in mind. It could be a spouse, a supervisor, friends, parents, relatives or even strangers on social media. While there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with wanting certain people to approve or think well of you, the degree to which you and I allow the opinions of others to dictate our actions has a profound impact on both the direction and the quality of our lives. Through our actions, we are constantly asking those individuals or groups of people this question… do you like me?

Before we get deeper into this post, I’d like to invite you to pause and consider who those people might be in your life. When you get up in the morning, get dressed and look in the mirror… whose opinion is quietly air-conditioning your outfit choice? When you take your obligatory selfie or post your expertly crafted latte made with perfectly roasted beans by your personal barista from your favourite coffee shop… who is that for? And why does their opinion matter to you so much? For someone reading this post right now, the person who wields that influence over you doesn’t even know it yet because they’re your crush. Ever since those feelings started to develop, you have been curating your life with them in mind… for others it’s a group of people like an exclusive golf club or school committee that can approve a place for your child in the next academic year. We are all to an extent “approval magnets”.

I can remember one of my first experiences with this dynamic. I was going on what was probably my first date ever! I was 16 and I had managed (somehow) to convince a beautiful young lady to have lunch me on a Saturday (at St Elmo’s in Avondale for those of you that grew up in Harare). Given that I was an unemployed high school student, this feast was being funded out of hard-saved pocket money. My date arrived (dropped off by her mum of  course) and we proceeded to take our seats at a table by the window. Two opposing forces were at play the moment we sat down. The first one was I had a fixed amount of money in my pocket and that wasn’t going to change. The second was that the food had fixed prices on the menu and that wasn’t going to change either. A quick scan of the menu confirmed my worst fears. I only had enough money for one of us to have a great meal or for two of us to have an “okay” meal. Because I wanted her to think that I “had this” and that “money wasn’t a problem” I didn’t confront the elephant in the room. Instead I just hoped she wasn’t that hungry. Wrong. To cut a long story short, after she placed her order, I did a quick calculation and discovered that there was only one thing left on the menu I could afford; snails. Snails in olive oil and bread. So I spun some story about how I loved snails and proceeded to have one of the worst culinary experiences of my life. She had a great time but I suffered. I wanted her to approve of me so bad that I was willing to put slime in my mouth and pretend to love it so that we could have a chance of a second date. Why didn’t I just come clean? What is that in me and in you?

The real challenge of living with the approval of other people in mind arises when you start making decisions that violate your conscience or go against what you believe. Speaking from painful experience, I can tell you that living with someone else’s approval in mind more often than not lures you into a space where this word is the master: COMPROMISE. You will eventually betray yourself and your values in pursuit of that person or that group of people’s LIKE. Think about when you last found yourself in some kind of trouble… is it not true that the reason you found yourself in that pickle is because you were in pursuit of someone’s approval? Now, if our poor choices in life as a result of this dynamic only affected us, that would almost be fine but they never do. More often than not, our irresponsibility becomes someone else’s problem. Depending on what you do to get him or her or them to like you, it is possible, almost guaranteed, that some people will get hurt. Decisions based on pleasing other people can hurt us and those in close proximity to us financially, emotionally, physically and relationally. We’ve all spent money we didn’t have, buying things we didn’t need, to impress people who, for the most, part we didn’t really like and the result was a belly full of regret. If you and I are honest with each other, I think we would find that our moments of deepest regret are concentrated around trying to please people.

One of the unfortunate realities of being a people pleaser is that you are stuck in a never-ending race. There is never a time when the person who you are trying to please stops you in your tracks and declares that you have done enough and they are so pleased with you. That day never comes and with each day that passes, you experience a subtle form of rejection. You feel somewhat defeated. I remember being in that highly volatile place where I had handed over the keys to my happiness to a group of people and it was extremely stressful. They didn’t even know! They were going about their lives normally and I was sitting around waiting for them to demonstrate some of acceptance towards me. Perhaps you don’t know what it’s like to be anxious about how long it takes someone to reply a text, or what conspiracy theories can run through one’s mind when that “person” doesn’t like your facebook or instagram post. I do. It’s exhausting. This dynamic has caused me to lie, hide, shirk responsibility and let myself down more than any other driving force in my life. Beyond creating cycles of self destructive behaviours, being a people pleaser, if not quenched, can actually lead to, in some extreme cases, a depressive state of mind. So why do we do it? The answer is that we are all acceptance magnets.

Acceptance and rejection shapes our self esteem and self worth which can lead to all kinds of behavior – both good and bad.  Have you ever been in a situation where you were constantly trying to win the acceptance of those closest to you, maybe a parent or spouse, but always felt rejected?  Those feelings can lead to all kinds of dysfunction and inappropriate behavior.  Understanding how acceptance and rejection shapes us is important because it can explain a lot of things we see in the world and maybe in our own lives.  For example, this might explain why many people, especially men, pour themselves into their work at the expense of their family.  When we feel competent and valued by all those around us at work but at home everyone has their own opinion and we might not feel as accepted, it’s easy to spend more time and energy and invest more of ourselves at work than at home. Many people fall in love with someone other than their spouse because when marriage gets hard and feelings aren’t always strong we will gravitate to new relationships where we feel unconditionally accepted.  Instead of working through the difficulties at home, many people will just go where they feel acceptance which can lead to all kinds of unhealthy relationships.

In part two of this post I will lean into how we can begin to reframe this relationship with approval and start live our lives free from the burden of people pleasing. For now I can only offer a few indicators that can help you to detect if you have fallen into the people people pleasing. Here’s 5 signs that you might be a people pleaser:

When you hope the people you care about most don’t find out where you’ve been or who you’ve been with.

When you hear yourself saying, I’ll go but I won’t participate.

When you feel pressure to compromise.

When you catch yourself pretending to be somebody other than who you know you are.

When it dawns on you that your core group isn’t moving in the direction you want your life to be moving in.

Here’s something you should know though, ultimately, we are all looking for someone by whom we are fully known and fully accepted. Someone to whom we can respond BECAUSE we are loved, not in order to get love. What would you do if you ever met such a person? If you have ever wondered about anything remotely related to that, then you are on the verge of an incredible breakthrough. I also think you should listen to this:

[born4change]

A Reflection On 1 Year at Foundry - Imagination Engineered.

Today marks my one year anniversary at Foundry and what a year it has been! When I joined the team here at Foundry, I wrote this post (From Content Intelligence to Imagination Engineered) which explained my decision to make the move. A year on I am so grateful for the opportunity to work with such talented people and for the lessons I have learnt. I am genuinely thrilled at the prospect of what the next phase of Foundry's growth is going to bring in challenges and opportunities.

Firstly, I want to thank the members of the marketing team at Foundry for welcoming me in and allowing me to find my feet. The wins we have experienced over the last year as a team would have been impossible without your support, guidance, coverage and encouragement. You’re awesome!

The incredible vision that underpins everything we do at Foundry never ceases to amaze me as I go into the office everyday and it has been a HUGE driver of my personal motivation. Daily, incredibly smart and talented people come in early and stay late for the sole purpose of advancing the art and technology of visual experience. We call it imagination engineered. These unsung heroes are so dedicated to helping artists visualise incredible ideas and they go above and beyond the call of duty to make that happen. If you think about it, at a fundamental level, we are a software company BUT what we bring to the world is so much more compelling.

We are behind many firsts for many people. People like you. The work that artists are able to publish through Nuke (part of our toolset), for example, set the scene for someone's, or maybe even your, first date. Nuke brought Wonder Woman to life for a little princess and has taken war heroes back to the shores of Normandy. This year alone, our toolset allowed millions of super-fans to experience the thrill and enchantment that is Game Of Thrones. These are just a few examples of the exceptional work that our dedicated product and engineering teams dedicate their lives to enable, these examples also help our commercial teams to be appreciative of the fact that we are stewards of the art and technology of visual experience. It is an inspired mission and I am proud to be a part of it.

If I were to try and articulate the lessons I have learnt in 12 months, this post would become too long and you would stop reading. So to spare both you and I, I wanted to point to a few key wins we have experienced and 3 lessons that have become central to my processes. So without further ado, here are my three learnings from the last year.

Change Is A Process Not An Event

When you start a new role in any organisation (as I did a year ago as Director of Digital Marketing), this one thing is true; your desire for change (largely fuelled by a desire to make an impact and thereby gain acceptance) is at odds with how the organisation currently operates. Because of this dynamic, it is crucial that you approach change as a process rather than an event. As I came to learn, until you have understood the status quo (processes, team roles, responsibilities etc...) it’s difficult, perhaps even impossible to effectively chart a new course. It’s important to give yourself time to learn and acclimatise. For high performing individuals, this may seem like wasted time but learning is inevitable, the question is whether you control and design the learning process or it happens to you by default. The default route often leads to a lot of missteps.

The other key consideration to keep in mind is that everything you want to change about your new environment or organization was originally somebody’s good idea. At the time it might have even been considered revolutionary. To suggest change is to suggest that your predecessors lacked insight. Or worse, that the incumbents don't get it! It’s so important to pay attention to this while having the courage to, through data and a proven track record, introduce a new way of approaching the way things are done. One of our wins as a team is that in the last 12 months, our contribution to pipeline from paid media has increased from 3% to 30% without a significant change in budget allocations. The changes we need to make were necessary, the approach to that change was iterative.

Don’t Strive To Be Well Rounded

Don’t strive to be a well-rounded leader - this is especially true in digital marketing where the variety and complexity of disciplines only needs to be stated to be obvious. Instead, discover your zone, stay there and then delegate everything else. Admitting a weakness is a sign of strength. Your job as a team leader is to build a well rounded team not to try and be a jack of all trades. Everybody in your organization benefits when you delegate responsibilities that fall outside your core competency. Thoughtful delegation will allow someone else in your organization to shine. Your weakness is someone’s opportunity.

To this end, I have sent members of my team to go and become experts on aspects of what our team is responsible for. They come back with superior knowledge which ultimately benefits the team and the organisation at large. This became especially important for us in the last year as we switched marketing automation platforms and undertook a web redesign and implementation project.

Maintain A Grip On Reality

For this lesson, I defer to Andy Stanley’s 7 Commandments of Current Reality. As a marketing leader, you cannot improve what you don’t evaluate and you cannot effectively evaluate anything that isn’t based on reality. Yes, optimism is good and boldness in strategy is essential for growth, but all of that has to be founded on reality. To ensure that we are leading with our feet firmly planted on the soil of what is, we must live by the seven commandments of current reality:

Thou shalt not pretend.

Thou shalt not turn a blind eye.

Thou shalt not exaggerate.

Thou shalt not shoot the bearer of bad news.

Thou shalt not hide behind the numbers (numbers don’t always tell the full story).

Thou shalt not ignore constructive criticism.

Thou shalt not isolate thyself.

Attempting to lead while turning a blind eye to reality is like treading water: It can only go on for so long, eventually you will sink. As a leader, be willing to face the truth regardless of how painful it might be. And if you don’t like what you see, change it (the right way).

So that’s it. I’ll end the post with this quote which guides my approach to team development and leadership.

“Teams use trust as currency. If it is in short supply, then the team is poor. If trust abounds, the members of the team have purchase power with each other to access each other’s’ gifts, talents, energy, creativity, and love. The development of trust then becomes a significant leadership strategy.”

– Reggie McNeal

Wish us luck in our next year of helping artists visualise incredible ideas by advancing the art and technology of visual experience. We are Foundry, imagination engineered.

[born4change]

From Venice with (Love) Wine

Buongiorno :) 

It’s midday and I have just boarded a Tranitalia service from Firenze Santa Maria headed for Venezia St. Lucia, most popularly know as Venice. My journey through Italy has been so cathartic and, as evidenced by the frequent and impromptu naps, badly needed. By the time I finally boarded the flight to Rome a few days ago, my mind and body were equally exhausted and it was beginning to show.

2017 has been a year of stretching and growth unlike any other for me. No prior experience prepared me for the challenges I have encountered both professionally and personally. Perhaps most challenging, for me, were the tests of character for which there can be no cramming. Having successfully broken my own personal record for days lived, I decided, almost on a whim,  that it was time for a break and I am glad I did. I’ve not been here for long, but as I have walked the streets of Rome and experienced the sunsets in the Tuscan valley, there are some thoughts that have nested on my mind that I would like to share with you. So, in a bid to not make this long post any longer, here are my 5 thoughts from Italy.

5 Thoughts From Italy

Create space between your current pace and your limits.

I’ve certainly not always been very good at pacing myself in various aspects of my life, whether that be professionally or personally. This has often led to seasons of burn out, lethargy and mediocre performance. We all need to have a gap between the current pace at which we are operating, professionally, financially or relationally and our limits in those areas. We also need to know our limits.

If you constantly operate at your limits, as I often do, you are unlikely to respond appropriately when exogenous shocks hit your world. Imagine, for a moment, that you are a driver that is currently driving way above the speed limit when you suddenly encounter a large object in the middle of the road. The outcome of how  you respond to that object at high speed is vastly different to the outcome were you travelling within the designated speed limit. This is the  power of observing limits! This is why it is so important to take time out to rest as well as to define better boundaries so that margin is created in your life. So what is thought number 1? Get some rest and create some boundaries.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

Closely linked to the importance of taking time out to rest is the importance of taking time out to reflect. Simply put, it’s the opportunity to pause at this powerful question; “What was I thinking when I… *fill in the blank* until you come to some sober conclusions. The everyday business as usual activities of our lives often don’t allow us the opportunity to look at past choices from a different perspectives. 

I take a journal with me on my travels and as thoughts come to me, I scribble. Those scribbles have often been the paths to the underlying reasons for some of my option-taking. They have also been equally surprising and convicting, even encouraging at times. What are your guiding principles when it comes to decision making? What would you do differently if you knew then what you know now? Here’s to thought number 2, reflection.

Vivere il memento

Whether it is the Colosseum in Rome or the Piaza de MichaelAngiolo in Florence there is something so striking about seeing beautiful art and scenery. After one has taken the obligatory selfie, one lingers there for a while and takes it all in. I have to admit that it’s not just beauty seen through the eyes that strikes me. I have been silenced by the tastes of food and intense and unique flavours of Italian wine. A well done amatriciana accompanied by a glass of the finest *insert good wine* signal the beginning of a celebration in my insides. An actual party.

For the first time in a while, I am eating to enjoy not just to ‘not starve’ and now I am wondering WHY I don’t make a ritual of the enjoyment of food on a daily basis. It dawns on me that food, art and scenery are not pleasures we have to leave our homes to enjoy but they are there all around, waiting for us to lift up our heads from our phones and ingest them intentionally. When was the last time you sat for lunch with no limit on time and allowed yourself to indulge your taste buds in something interesting and different? My tastes buds have made it clear to me that it had been far too long. A toast to thought number 3, live in the moment.

Cultures are teachers

If I had to pick one word to describe the Italian people, the word would be passionate. Even the atmosphere in the streets is conducive to falling in love. As I walk down the narrow cobbled streets I encounter violinists filling the warm air with beautiful music. I see young couples walking hand in hand and observe an old couple staring longingly into each other’s eyes. I long to discover my role in the present and unfolding soap opera.

EVERYTHING in Italy is done passionately. The food is cooked with the diner in mind, the musician plays as if it is his last concert and the clothing is made from the finest fabrics. The residents here, far more than the tourists who simply pass through, seem to have figured out how to appreciate each day as unique. There is no rush. They laugh out loud, they have long lunches, they pause to listen to poets at street corners and they invent wild flavours of gelato. They live, and I envy them. Thought number 4, experience new cultures, it may change your perspective on life.

Get your groove back (or find it).

If you have beheld the statue of David or the Cathedral de Santa Maria, you may like I, wonder how these marvels came to be. Who was Michael Angiolo? Where did Leonardo da Vinci come from? How did Galileo come up with his theories? There is no doubt that these were outstanding and remarkable individuals but there is also something that strikes me as profound… they were more like you and I than they were different. The only distinction, it appears, is that they found their purpose and leaned in to it. They found their respective grooves. They discovered why on earth they were here and did EVERYTHING possible to fulfill that mission. Why on earth are you here? What were you born for? Will chapels be erected in your honour and will your artefacts fill museums?

I strongly believe we are all here on earth for the accomplishment of a unique and important mission and we must give our best effort to discovering what that mission could be. So thought number 5 is simple, make like Stella and get your groove back!

I must now end this note and go and explore the intricate canals of Venice. Before I run off I will say this, don’t waste another waiting to be happy or at peace with yourself and your world. Go out there and live.

Ciao!

[born4change]

What Makes You Happy?

Every time you and I switch on the television, browse the internet, go to the mall or open a magazine, there are people we have never met and who don’t know us personally who are trying to convince us, through commercials and adverts, that they have the key that could unlock our happiness. Here’s the crazy thing, you and I have spent time and money exploring and evaluating some of those things in order to establish whether or not those products, services or destinations have the ability to make us happy. The reason we run those exploratory tests is because you and I are fundamentally happiness magnets - we gravitate naturally towards happiness but we have no idea what actually brings us that happiness. So here’s the question… What makes you happy? 

As I’ve started to think about when I’ve been most happy, I’ve come to one major conclusion and it is this; happiness is more about WHO than about WHAT. I've come to realization that when I am at my happiest, there's ALWAYS involves a WHO or TWO involved. Do you remember when you got the current mobile phone you own? I do. I was super excited about mine. It was the latest model on the market, it had new features and I just loved discovering what was on it and perhaps being seen with it. 12 months later I often don’t even know where it is anymore and in addition to that, I'm thinking about upgrading to what is now the latest version. If happiness was just about a WHAT, for example my iPhone 6, we could all just go out and get our WHAT and we’d be happy all the time. But it doesn’t seem to work that way does it? The reason Happy-WHAT doesn’t last is because Happy-WHAT always leads to Happy-WHAT-ELSE? or Happy-WHAT’s-NEXT? The reality is this; if an old version of WHAT deflates your happiness, you were never truly happy in the first place. Ouch. 

Cape Town, December 2016 with some WHOs

Here's how you know that what I'm saying is true, at the end of our lives, you and I will have RELATIONAL not POSSESSIONAL regrets. When I am on my deathbed (not a thought I like to entertain), I will not be overwhelmed with a need to update the apps on my phone or to drive my car one more time. At the end of our lives we will wish we had declared love to, apologized to, reconciled with, forgiven sincerely or thanked specific people more than we will wish we had accumulated more things. At the end, we are not going to make peace with any WHATs but we will have some WHOs in mind because, as I have previously stated above, happiness is relational in nature. 

Some of you reading this are probably fighting me on this point because you feel like you don’t need anyone to be happy. The reason you probably feel that way is because you probably have a lot of relational options, and because you have loads of relational options, you’ve never experienced heart-breaking isolation. On the other end of the spectrum are people who cannot fix their isolation so they have told themselves that they’re fine on their own. Both camps are wrong. You and I were not designed to live in isolation and when we do, we rob ourselves and other people in our lives their right to happiness through our companionship, friendship and support. It’s interesting that our defense mechanism, often times, when we can’t get what we want is to convince ourselves, falsely, that we don’t need it. 

So I think we can agree that happiness is not found in WHATs but rather in WHOs. That being said, there is one THING that every happy person has. It’s not really a THING but all happy people have it in common. They have PEACE. On the inside they are FINE. Specifically, happy people are at PEACE with themselves and with their world. You’ve met these people and you’re still confused as to how they do it. I am too. They don't seem to be too phased by the circumstances surrounding them. They may be wealthy or just making ends meet, they may have been mistreated or left out but they are not at war in their lives. If peace is indeed a common factor among happy people and we are all seemingly trying to be happy, it’s probably important for us to discover the source of peace because the source of peace is intricately connected to the fountain of happiness. Since peace is foundational to happiness, the implication is that anything that undermines our peace ultimately undermines our happiness. You know this. When I say that, you think back to an event where you were not at peace about something, it may be a place you weren’t sure about visiting, a person you weren’t sure about dating or a job you weren’t sure about taking. Your decision to go ahead in spite of your discomfort ultimately messed with your happiness didn’t it? The fact that you violated your conscience in some way resulted in you experiencing unhappiness didn’t it? 

Here's why this is so important, when you and I become unhappy, we don’t tend to stay in unhappy situations for very long unless we have a very good reason. We are on the pursuit of happiness. We naturally step away, slowly or rapidly in some cases, from things that make us unhappy. So perhaps, before we ever find ourselves having to live in regret, why don't we pause and really reflect on what our happiness is made of. Would you take 10 minutes right now and find your journal, a sheet or paper or the corner of the newspaper you are reading and write down the happiest memory you can conjure up from your past. Once you've done that I'd like to ask you challenge yourself with these questions. 

·       What is it about that day, moment, event or place that made you happy? 

·       What have you substituted for that happiness in your life right now? 

·       Who do you owe a phone call? 

·       Who do you need to forgive? 

·       What makes you happy? 

Here's my conclusion about what makes us all happy - NO THING. Good luck in your pursuit of happiness.

 This post was heavily inspired by my man Andy Stanley. 

[born4change]

2017: I’m Starting With The Man In The Mirror

You and I have something in common. We have experienced, are currently experiencing or will experience failure in one form or another in some area of our lives. Whether it be financially, relationally, morally or professionally; you and I are always one bad decision away from finding ourselves with a lot of explaining to do. We’re always one poor choice away from a mess. I’ve often sat opposite friends and family members who’ve found themselves in a mess and as I have sat and listened to their stories, I have discovered that messes are no respecter of persons. The only way to guardrail yourself and to live with fewer regrets is to learn from the wisdom gained through those costly experiences and to leverage that learning to make wiser choices. I know what you’re thinking, “this is another one of those New Year’s Resolution blog posts”, and you’re not wrong, but I’d like to propose a different approach to how you and I could make sure that as it pertains to our proclivity to make bad choices, this year won’t be like last year in that specific area of our lives.

 You’ve probably set (and maybe even already broken) your new year’s resolutions around your weight and your finances. I’ve got nothing against those types of goals at all. I definitely think we should all aim to be in better physical shape and to be better stewards of our money but since you are more than just a physical body and your life is more than just a balance sheet, perhaps it’s time to discuss how this season of change can be your path to a new “you” on the inside. The reason I think this is an effective strategy at the beginning of a new year is because it’s always a mistake to decide what you want to do (lose weight, save more money, stop eating meat etc.) before you resolve the question of who you want to be. My approach to that is to start with the mess in the mirror. Yes you read that right, I’m starting with the man in the mirror and I’m asking him to change his ways.

 As my year ended and I reflected on all that had transpired in 2016, I found myself staring in the mirror and seeing a guy who needed to make sure that the next year would not be like the last. Don’t get me wrong, some great stuff happened in 2016 and I am so grateful to my friends and my family who supported me through some major changes. You guys know yourselves. Thank you. Some of the highlights of 2016 were that: I built a great team at work, I made a big career change, I upgraded my living space, and over 100000 miles later I can say I saw a whole lot more of the world than ever before. I also started #IAmMyBrothersKeeper and supported the campaign against miserable living (CALM)’s effort to keep guys alive through talking. The peaks were very high but valleys were very low. In the same year I also let myself down in many ways. I made some really poor choices, I didn’t always live up to the values I extol and often put my own needs and desires ahead of the people around me. Socrates said on one occasion that “the unexamined life is not worth living” so while I was on vacation over the Christmas break I seized the opportunity to do some state of the heart soul searching. I decided that this year I would look in the mirror and the person who would be looking back at me would be someone I could respect. I had to fix the mess in the mirror. In order to start over, I’d like to share 3 BIG ideas. Before you start round 2017 financially, relationally, professionally or otherwise, would you pause and consider these ideas because something in me believes so strongly that next time could be better than last time for you.

OWN IT

In order to ensure that your negative history doesn’t repeat itself in your future you need to OWN your role in your negative history. You’ve got to pause long enough to own your responsibility in the mess. The reason we’re not good at this is that we often blame our way out of bad decisions. “It wasn’t my fault” is often a default but certainly not an effective strategy for making better decisions in the future. Here’s what you and I do when we mess up… we hide until we’re caught. If you and I don’t pause and take full responsibility we effectively undermine our own future and happiness. Not owning our part in the mess is the mechanism through which many of us have smuggled our issues into our future. I can’t emphasize how important this is. Because I have shirked responsibility in my past messes I have had to lose things that should have naturally fit in my future. Not taking responsibility brought back that familiar feeling of regret as the truth surfaced. My past showed up and ruined my new start. I really don’t want that for you or I in 2017 so let’s OWN IT. We make peace with our past by owning our piece of the past. So here’s the question as it pertains to your finances, your romantic relationships or your career… what was your part? A word of warning if you’re going to own it for real: you will get no sympathy for genuine confession. You will probably get backlash and your reputation will take a hit. Some of your inner circle may even shun you because of guilt by association. That’s okay. The important thing is that you will be free and that freedom is so worth it.

 RE-THINK IT

 Have you ever asked yourself this question… “What was I thinking?” I have. If I look back on the areas of my life where I have had to “own it”, my own bad decisions don’t even make sense to me in retrospect. Perhaps it’s the benefit of hindsight that allows me to say that now, but it’s so clear looking back how poor some of those choices were. The challenge most of us have, and I am super guilty of this, is that we don’t camp out long enough on the “What was I thinking?” question to come up with a good answer. Consequently, the way we think doesn’t change. We still think the same way and because we still think the same way, inevitably we do the same things. Insanity isn’t it: doing (thinking) the same thing and expecting different results. The challenge with re-thinking the past is that is requires something that I’m often tempted to brush aside. It requires time. Time is your friend and my friend when it comes to understanding how next time can be different from last time. It takes time to come to place when you and I understand FULLY why we did what we did, and how we can change our mindset so that when the same or a similar set of circumstances appear we will respond differently. Sincerity and commitment are actually not enough. You and I need time. In our bid to accelerate the process you and I will come across some thought patterns that will try to convince us that we are ready for the next thing. Here are 7 such assumptions:

1.     If I find the right person everything will be alright. Actually NO. If you become the right person (which takes time) then things will be better.

2.     My situation is unique. Actually NO. You and I are unique but our messes have happened before. Someone got into a mess similar to this before you or I.

3.     It’s not right but it makes me happy. Actually NO. If it’s not right it’s wrong. If it’s not right it won’t turn out right.

4.     If only I had _________ then I would be satisfied. Actually NO. Our appetites (for approval, sex, fame, food etc.) are never fully and finally satisfied.

5.     I owe is better than I want. Actually NO. It’s better to want than to owe.

6.     My secret is safe with me. Actually NO. Secrets seep. If you take secrets into any relationship you just break hearts.

7.     Sex will solve it. Actually NO. Sex will complicate it.

So… What were you thinking?

 RELEASE IT

None of us want the people, situations, and decisions that caused us pain in the past to have an opportunity to resurface in our future in the same way. So just like we have to own our part of the problem if we’re going to have a better 2017, we also have to address the other players that contributed to creating the mess. If you and I don’t address those people, processes and places, they will smuggle themselves into 2017 on a free ticket and the future will look a lot like the past. In order to really get under the hood of this, there are two questions I have to ask you. They’re not nice questions but they are incredibly powerful. 

How far into your future do you intend to carry the angst created in your past?

How long do you plan to allow the people who mistreated you to influence you? 

Every once in a while I meet someone who seems to have a wrinkle free life. Everything in their world looks great. They have a great job, they’re in great shape, they have savings, they’re spiritual and balanced. As I’ve begun to talk to these types of people, I’m always astonished at the fact that somewhere in their past, they have a story that doesn’t fit with their current circumstances. Often times they experienced a huge failure morally, financially, relationally or professionally and that event became the catalyst for them turning a new leaf. There is something that all these great people, some of whom have mentored me through some really challenging tests in my short life, have in common. When they explain their journeys to me, at some point in their story, this phrase comes up… “I decided.” They resolved that their past would remind them but it would not define them. They made up their mind. If you and I are going to have a better 2017 here’s what we have to do: we have to release the past so that the past can release us. We have to leverage our past experiences to inform future decisions but simultaneously ensure that the past does not control our lives. So how do you release it? Forgiveness is one way. Forgiveness is what allows you to learn the lessons from the past without lugging around the luggage from the past. The reason why I think forgiveness is also powerful is because, for some of the wrongs that have been done to you, no apology will ever be sincere enough. If that’s the case, then are you willing to deny yourself a rich and fulfilling future because you are angry? I’m not saying you are not justified… I’m just asking if they’re worth it.

 Ok, let’s wrap this up. I really hope you have an AWESOME 2017. I hope that you OWN IT, RE-THINK and RELEASE IT. I hope your dreams come true this year. I hope you find peace for your distress and you make better quality decisions and live with fewer regrets. I hope this year is better than last year for you. I hope you get the job, I hope you fall in love, I hope you get out of debt and for some of you, I hope you lose weight. I was really trying to avoid leaning too much on pop song lyrics in this post but I’m going to end this particular post with words from a song we all probably know by heart. The first part is something true and the second part is my promise to you. Before I leave you with that thought, I’d like to ask you for a favour… If someone in your life is in a mess right now, go easy on them. Too many people quit on life because they feel like they have hit rock bottom and no one will ever love them given what they have done. Now I’m not saying exonerate them without consequence but I am saying hear them, understand them, help them and love them. Next time it could be you who needs a shoulder to cry on. Have a great year!

Something true:

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain. We all have sorrow. But if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.

My promise to you:

Lean on me, when you're not strong and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on.

 What do you think?

[born4change]

Who Needs Christmas? You Do.

It’s that time of the year again. I’m at the airport waiting for my family to arrive so we can spend Christmas together. This is probably the most exciting wait of the whole year because of the promise it carries. A promise of laughter, joy, love and precious memories. So exciting is this time of the year that many of us begin preparing for it way in advance. For a lot of us, the intensity of the the agonising wait for Christmas reaches epic levels around the end of November going into early December (well at least it does for me). We wait in hope, expectation and excitement because WE KNOW that with Christmas comes some of the things we love most about life.

What’s funny about this idea of WAITING is that it’s one of the things that we have in common with people who experienced the first ever Christmas for real. Around the time of the birth of a little known carpenter in a small town called Bethlehem, there was a community who had been waiting a long time for their dream to come true. The jews living in that part of the world had been told by their fathers, who had been told by their fathers and grandfathers that God was going to send his son into the world and that that son would be the saviour of the world. In fact, this community had been waiting almost 400 years since they had last heard from one of God’s messengers about this promise. Talk about patience. They felt, in a big way, as I feel now as I wait for my family, in a small way, the thrill of hope that maybe that year might be the year that their dreams come true.

The Long Wait…

400 years is a looooooong time. Many of us hardly have the patience to wait in line long enough to get food to eat when we’re hungry and yet these people held out in the belief that this promise would be fulfilled. At some point I’m sure many of them, perhaps like you, were tempted to give up on the promise. I’m pretty sure they were so close to abandoning their faith and just calling it a day. It probably would have felt like everyone else around them was living a more fulfilled and satisfying life while they kept themselves for a promise whose chances of fulfilment grew dimmer with each passing year. Perhaps they thought to themselves… maybe it wasn’t true. In your world perhaps you could be thinking that you should just take the money, or quit applying, or just lie about it abandon ship. Those jews probably wondered what they were getting out of this deal. If you’ve ever experienced anything close to that kind of frustration or doubt then guess what? The Christmas story is for YOU.

Struggling for hope…

A lot happened in 2016 that could also threaten the thrill of hope in your world. This year the UK voted to leave the EU in a referendum, the USA elected Donald Trump as president, hundreds of thousands of people were killed in Haiti, Syria, Indonesia and in many other conflict and tragedy ridden zones across the world. This year we also had the Zika virus, a rise in xenophobia and racism, acts of terrorism and police brutality. All of these, when they are compounded often have the ability to threaten and diminish the thrill of hope in your life and in mine. Perhaps, bringing it closer to home, this is the year that you didn’t get that job, or you lost that precious loved one, or filed for bankruptcy, or fell ill or perhaps you had your heart broken. I have no doubt, that at some point in this year, something happened that convinced you that you were not going to have a Merry Christmas. If you did or are going through something like that then I have to really labour the point that the Christmas story is absolutely for you.

I’m sure the story of your year has not been easy, in fact you may be in the middle of an incredible challenge right now. Because of that, I’m going to try my best to explain the circumstances surrounding the first Christmas, not to make your situation less intense, but to invite you into an understanding that Christmas has never been set against the backdrop of snow, presents, jingle bells and eggnog. Christmas began in a setting that accurately describes how harsh the reality of life can be and I believe it began this way because at some point we are all going to be tempted to give up on the thrill of hope unless we hear the story of how someone made it out of a difficult situation.

A historian called Luke records the story of the first Christmas as such; “In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.”

So here’s Mary’s situation in summary, she is;

* A teenage girl 
 * Engaged (probably to someone she hasn’t even met) 
 * Pregnant 
 * Doesn’t know who the father is 
 * Claiming to still be a virgin 
 * Claiming to have been visited by an angel who told her all this 


That’s a tough set of circumstances isn’t it? Especially if you consider the time and society in which Mary was going through all this. She probably wasn’t full of good cheer or feeling merry at all. I think she must have been terrified and perhaps ashamed. I wonder if Mary was tempted to give up. I wonder if she considered running away. What would you have done? What are you about to do right now given what you’ve been through?

So how does Mary’s story end? You know how it goes. Mary gives birth to a baby boy, just as Luke tells us. That baby boy grows up to become a man whose incredible claim is that he is the son of God and the saviour of the world.  His message is one of love, forgiveness and acceptance. He teaches that what’s in your heart is more important than what you say. He teaches that everyone deserves a second chance and can recover from any calamity. He turns the world upside down with his assertions that kindness, goodness, patience and mercy are virtues worth living for. That man is crucified on a roman cross for his claims. 2000 years later, we still pack up our bags and our families and travel hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles across the whole world to celebrate his birth. Literally millions of people’s lives have been transformed as they have put their faith in that man and his message. Now, do you think Mary knew that at the time when that angel broke the news to her? Of course not, but we never really know do we? We are invited, at Christmas, to hope and believe that our story also has an ending worthy of the pain.

I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart as we close out another year together. Thank you for your friendship, your support, your belief in me, your encouragement and your love. My prayer for you is that you would find peace and joy at this time. I pray that would laugh until your tummy hurts, that your homes would be full of warmth, memories and good cheer. I pray for healing for your pain, I pray for calm in your storms, I pray for your rest if you are weary and I pray for hope to be restored in your heart and in your life.

I love you. 

Munya

[born4change]

From Content Intelligence to Imagination Engineered: A Digital Adventure

Leonard Ravenhill said on one occasion that opportunities of a lifetime must be seized in the lifetime of the opportunity. In March of this year I found myself on stage at HgCapital’s Sales & Marketing Leaders Forum, an event put on by the London based private equity firm to invest in its portfolio assets around the areas of demand generation, messaging, alignment and a plethora of other challenging topics that plague teams that are tasked with trying to grow their suite of software businesses. I had no idea how that event would set in motion a new adventure in my career and see me working with some of the most talented and creative people I have ever met. Before I launch into the details of what happened next, I have to pay homage to the incredible team at idio that I was a part of where I was served as SVP Marketing. In my role at idio, a CONTENT INTELLIGENCE platform, I was responsible for developing and executing a defined marketing and communications strategy that supported idio’s growth and enhanced idio’s brand. I was responsible for planning, organizing, training, staffing, and managing all marketing functions to help achieve the company’s objectives relating to sales, growth, and profitability. Having been there since its genesis, I was privileged to see our people, products and ideas evolve into a great business that provided tremendous value for our customers and a phenomenal place to work for our staff. It was always going to take something special for me to do something different. 

Back to that fateful day at the Andaz Hotel… the challenge that Chris Kindt, portfolio leader at HgCapital, had set before me was to tackle the complex and often times fractious subject of Sales & Marketing (mis)Alignment. It made complete sense for HgCapital to prioritise this as a theme as misalignment between marketing and sales costs business up to 10% in annual revenue. Something HgCapital is eager to avoid for obvious reasons. My talk was entitled ‘Sales VS Marketing: The Original Game Of Thrones’, a bit cheesy… I know. Although misalignment is not as bloody as some of the scenes in the popular HBO series, it can be often as brutal. That wasn’t the only reason for picking that title. I knew that one of the companies that would be in attendance at the forum would be The Foundry, whose compositing product, NUKE, is instrumental in the production of Game of Thrones. Call it establishing common ground.

Long story short… After the talk I was privileged to meet quite a few of the leaders in the HgCapital portfolio companies including Alex Mahon and Jodie Anderson, who are CEO and Head of Marketing at The Foundry respectively. Fast forward a few months and quite a few lattes later, it became obvious to me that I was excited at the prospect of applying years of growth and learning in analytics and personalization software to a completely new industry and target client. And so, with the greatest difficulty, I resigned my position at idio and joined The Foundry as Director of Digital Marketing. Here are 3 questions I wrestled with as I was thinking about my next adventure;

Do I Believe In The TEAM?

When I met the team at The Foundry, it became clear to me that HgCapital was pulling together the best talent to position the business for maximum impact in its space. This was a deliberate plan to not only excel but to take all of the products to leading positions in their categories. For me, it presented a unique opportunity to learn from some of the sharpest minds in the world as they apply their expertise in a highly competitive and dynamic industry. More importantly, the leaders I met seemed determined not only to grow the business but to create a great place to work and that is a passion of mine. Having joined the team now, I am encouraged by the passion and dedication of the incredibly capable and accomplished people I get to follow and lead.

Do I Believe In The MISSION?

 The Foundry is dedicated to advancing the art and technology of visual experience. THAT’S INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE. The work we do in our labs and in our engineering has the potential put a dent in the universe and I love that. I love that we are exploring the uses of Virtual Reality and 3D Modeling for design in industries like automotive and soft goods while investing in the next generation by prioritising EDUCATION as a strategic initiative. Our work is designed to unlock the creative potential of artists all over the globe. Jennifer Aaker, General Atlantic Professor at Stanford says that people want to be valued members of a winning team on an inspired mission and I couldn’t agree more. Our mission matters and it will change the world. It is IMAGINATION ENGINEERED.

 Does This Meet My PERSONAL NEED FOR GROWTH?

 8 years building a great team was transformational and life changing for me. I could never place a value on the lessons I learnt over the years, lessons in courage, communication, worth ethic, team building and vision casting. However, at some point, I realised that my comfort in my role was a roadblock for someone else’s development and growth. The members of my team were ready to step up and take my ideas, thoughts are processes to the next level. In the same way, I was ready to be in a position that would challenge my creativity, my leadership, my capability and my resolve. Moving into an industry I knew nothing about as well as inheriting a new team was way outside of my comfort zone but it was exactly what I needed.

Currently my team and I focused on crafting a transformational digital strategy as well as learning to leverage each other’s individual strengths for the benefit of the team and the organisation. We believe we can be the best in our space and that we should be the best.

 “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” - Robert Frost

[born4change]

Why I Don’t Feel Like Talking... Tendai’s Story

To those who are familiar with me you will probably know on some level about my experience with depression when I was younger. In many ways it’s ground I feel is well trodden; but it's amazing how reflecting continually on a difficult time in one's life can reveal new feelings and fresh insights.

As I reflect on that time today however there is an overarching context which I'm glad is now becoming discussed more and more - the fact that around 70% of UK suicides (70%!) are committed by men. Many of them young men struggling with depression.  It is a saddening statistic but unfortunately it is a largely silent one that persists today without anywhere near the level of mainstream exposure of other issues where there is a gender disparity. In many ways it is a microcosm of the very issue at hand amongst men today - suffering blanketed by a cloud of thundering silence.

There are thankfully some fantastic initiatives that have been started to do something about this void of conversation. Campaigns like my friend Munya advocating for CALM- "Campaign AgainstLiving Miserably"; and the "Boys Don't Cry" campaign challenging perceptions of masculinity and strength. The Movember Foundation's work to get men talking with the "I Talked" campaign is another encouraging example. But as I've internalised these issues I've realised that if we want to start dialogue where there is none, the first point of call is to identify what's stopping it. With that said I wanted to share some feelings I identified in myself which I think men can relate to. I'd like to share some reasons why I and many other men don't feel like talking. In no particular order and of course not as an exhaustive list of every single reason for every single person; here are some reasons unpacked:

I Don't Feel Like Talking When: I Feel Like A Failure

Deep down we men are achievement driven. Results oriented. It may express itself in different ways (a 25 year old businessman will not manifest this the same way as a 40 year old artist will); but by and large men love that sense of achievement. Conversely we are very sensitive to a lack of achievement.  The measure of a man is very often primarily defined by his achievements in life. It is said men have an "ego" - but this to me is a very poor mischaracterisation of a quite healthy, normal and powerful desire to do and achieve significant things in life which in my view should be celebrated. Nevertheless there are few things more crushing to a man than feeling like they are a failure. It's of no surprise then that we men very quickly draw a parallel between the struggles we face and failure… If things are good - I'm doing something right. If things are bad - I'm not doing something right. I don't want to talk when I have no sense of what I do, am doing, and have done well in the past.

If things are good for someone else - they are doing something I'm not. I don't like talking if I'm aware my achievements are being compared to someone else's...

I Don't Feel Like Talking When: I Feel Disempowered

I've found the typical response to a man feeling like a failure is to attempt to remove his sense of responsibility. "It's not your fault" or "Don't blame yourself." This is understandable and may very well be helpful in many situations. But in my experience I felt that this only made me feel even less like talking because if it wasn't my fault it meant I couldn't do anything about it; I couldn't do anything to change it and worst of all I couldn't do anything to make anything good come out of my present situation. If I had absolutely no control over the state of my life till now, then what was the point of living going forwards from there? Very often when a man is told  "it's not your fault" in these dark moments - what's heard is "you're not in control of your own destiny". It's not an intentional outcome at all; but it potentially feeds the feeling of helplessness and weakness that a man feels. Removing that sense of responsibility merely becomes a reminder to a man about how powerless he is to make good things happen in his own life and make good choices. That was at least the case for me…

I Don't Feel like talking when: I Sense Unrealistic Expectations

In my humble view; society in recent times has increased in an unrealistic idealisation of what men should be like. In this regard I especially urge attention from our female counterparts for a moment. The romanticisation of men in some respects isn't anything new. From Romeo and Mr. Darcey; to Jack from the Titanic (Di Caprio) and James Bond. Much in the same way women feel pressured by cultural expectations around physical beauty and body image; men feel the squeeze in at least the same measure with regards to their internal virtues and chivalry.  The struggle here is often misunderstood.  It isn't really about what a "real man" is - it's more about what a "good man" is.  There is a moral pressure on men that implies that if they aren't morally perfect they aren't desirable as leaders and trustworthy as holders of responsibility. Men feel like imperfections are not embraced in today's definition of a "good man" who people would desire as a leader. The reality of course is no man is perfect. But when men don't feel "good enough" then men don't talk. I feel we must urgently start discussing and examining what moral standards we are setting for men if we want to develop an atmosphere where men can open up. How much is too much when it comes to what we expect of men? Who is a "good man"? What level of moral failure is "acceptable" for a man to still be deemed a "good" man? I found I didn't feel like talking where my weaknesses and faults were treated almost as an exception to the norm rather than a reality of being human…

I Don't Feel Like Talking when: I Feel it's an Unfair Transaction

I discovered that men look at personal deep conversations in a transactional way.

Sharing my troubles bore a cost to me. While I was really struggling, it cost me potentially feeling all the feelings I've named above to bare my soul. In that sense I found it harder to have "exposing" conversations with someone who rarely if ever really exposed themselves to me. If you want a man to talk to you - share your fears; doubts; struggles; pain; thoughts and deepest feelings with him first. A man will be much more happy to talk when you've broken the threshold first. This is especially pertinent to those who are parents raising boys and young men. A revelation of failure or struggle to a man is like depositing a loan in a bank account. Men feel a sense of duty to repay that kind of a debt. The main thing to remember is that men frame "struggle" in a language of challenge/achievement. If you are asking a man to just share their "feelings", that isn't very appealing (an important note for women to understand). If you ask a man what they feel they'd like to improve in their lives however - that changes things. That's a far more attractive invitation to talk. Either way I find I don't like talking where the person I'm speaking to has rarely if ever exposed themselves to me by revealing not just their feelings - but their faults; mistakes and weaknesses. What things are going wrong in their life? What things have they done wrong? And unless I have personally shared my own regrets/failures/weaknesses/challenges with another man I know (notice the language I'm using) I find I don't place an expectation on them to share anything of that sort with me either. I've found the vast majority of men I know, am friends with and have led in various teams have operated in the same way… These are my own personal learnings and I'm 100% sure more can be added to these.

But ultimately something has to change if we are to fight the quiet epidemic of male depression and subsequent suicide.  This is just my bit to add to the conversation.

I hope that it’s a conversation you will carry on with all your nearest and dearest…

God bless.

Tendai is a good friend of mine and I am extremely proud of his work for creative young people and our country Zimbabwe. Tendi currently works in the Social Enterprise sector primarily with schools and communities to develop enterprising solutions which tackle social challenges. His current focus is campaigning for electoral justice for Zimbabweans everywhere.

[born4change]

From Tragedy To Triumph - Andy’s Story

A few weeks ago I made a new friend.

His name is Andrew but people call him Andy. Andy is a technology expert, specialising in marketing automation. He is clearly a very hard working guy with a keen sense of humour who loves his work. However, Andy is a little bit different. When Andy was 11 years old, he was running around and playing like most pre-teenage boys. Unfortunately, on one October afternoon, he had a pen in his mouth and tripped and fell. The pen went through the top of his mouth and pierced his carotid artery which caused swelling and a lack of blood flow to his brain. That day changed Andy’s life forever. From that day onwards, Andy was partially paralysed down his left hand side and has no use of his left hand.

Today Andy and I had a meeting with one of our suppliers not too far from our office and we decided to walk. The walk was to take about 10 minutes but Andy warned me that it would take longer (all in that jovial, comedic way he announces important information without making it too intense). Because my meeting before the time we were meant to depart was running behind schedule, we were going to have to rush - and Andy doesn’t like to rush because when I think about rushing, I can jog but that option is not available to Andy.

Eventually, after a little delay, we began our walk. Citymapper told us that the walk would take us 10 minutes but it took about 20. Every 5 minutes or so we had to stop to allow Andy to rest because he doesn’t walk a whole lot, although he’s happy to. I was feeling bad. In fact I felt terrible. I should have gotten us a taxi but I was running late. I didn’t think. After my third apology, Andy decided to slow down and level with me.

“When I had my accident, it was horrible. I had to go for rehabilitation in institutions for people who had suffered horrible injuries, some similar to mine. While I was going through therapy, I saw people who had far worse injuries than I did. In many ways I was very lucky. My injury could have been worse. The fact that the pen went through the part of the brain that it did means that, although I lost some movement down my left hand side, I didn’t lose my memories, my speech or my thoughts. Many of the people I saw in those rehabilitation centres have never walked again. I took 2 years off and travelled around the entire world. I've jumped out of aeroplanes and bungee jumped off bridges. I taught myself to code and completed a 6 year degree in computer science and design in 4 years. I know that I don’t walk as fast as you do… and it takes me longer to walk from the office to where we are going BUT I have a good life. I have never been happier and I am getting married next year. There are people with far worse problems than me and I count myself as one of the lucky ones. I’m doing what I love and I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to.”

Andy is one of the members of the team I have just inherited and reports into me but he is a giant. I learnt a lot from him today. The circumstances we find ourselves in do not define where we end up in life. Sometimes things will not go our way, sometimes… inexplicably bad things will happen to us for no apparent reason. Even against the backdrop of the worst of what life can throw at us, we still have the ability to choose our perspective and attitude. That perspective has the power to dramatically change the direction and the quality of our lives. The fact is, if you are still breathing, you can achieve that dream that you’ve been doubting. You can still scale those dizzying heights and be great. You and I can take that step towards destiny right now, because as I learnt today, we literally have no excuse not to.

"Shortly into my round the world trip, I found myself on a hike in the Appalachian mountains.  It was a hard slog and I wanted to quit. Repeatedly.

Our tour guide wouldn't let me give up, and he, along with my tour mates helped me over logs and streams. Up upon rocks and to continue on when I wanted to just sit and wait for them all to come back, encouraging me to drive on and proceed. So I did. Pretty unwillingly, and despite the pain and my desire to just give up, lay down calling a day.

I will never forget the feeling when I came over the brow of that hill and saw the view. I was utterly astounded… taken aback at the beauty, but also proud that I had achieved it. All pain went away.  All aches faded and I just revelled for a few minutes in a gorgeous view that I had seen only because I pushed myself beyond my limits. Pushed on and not given up. I made a decision at that moment that I would push on. No matter how hard, no matter the pain. No matter the obstacles. Whether during my travels, or in my life.  If I'm able to....I will.  Because I can."

Whether you believe you can or you can’t - you’re right.

You can read more about Andy’s journey around the world here - https://atravellingball.com/ and check out a video round up of his trip on this clip - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ24z7G9i3g

[born4change]

Dying For Someone To Talk To.

I am my brother’s keeper. On Saturday I completed the Victoria Park Run in support of the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). So far we have raised £510 to make resources (people to talk to and CALM ZONES) available for those critical moments when men are on the verge of quitting.

Thank you so much to everyone who continues to partner with me on this mission. We are providing life saving options for men who are literally dying for someone to talk to. An academic study published by the Medical University of Vienna in June 2015 looked at male suicide survivors aged 18–67, and family and friends of suicide survivors. It concluded: "Almost all men reported that their masculine beliefs led to them isolating themselves when they were feeling down, to avoid imposing on others… and instead, relied on coping strategies that required less immediate effort and provided short-term alleviation of problems, for example, drug or alcohol use, gambling and working excessively." Perhaps most worryingly, "some men reported that adherence to masculine norms meant that feelings associated with being vulnerable provoke greater anxiety than the thought of being dead."

We are capable of winning this fight. It may mean that we confront suicide one rescue at a time, that’s okay.  We CAN win and we SHOULD try everyday to win this battle.

Finally, this run was in loving memory of you Tami Sithole. Thank you for everything you taught and gave me. I wish we had talked.

To support this Campaign Against Living Miserably click here - https://www.gofundme.com/campaign-against-living-miserably

[born4change]

Brothers We Need To Talk

I am my brother’s keeper.

About 2 years ago I came face to face with myself. I’d been on the run for a while, avoiding asking the tough questions and ‘coping’ with that feeling of ‘being down’ constantly that had become a permanent feature in my life. I was working for a high growth tech startup at the time, doing well by all external markers, but I wasn’t being honest with myself about how I was feeling inside. I’d become a Vice President at 26 and the company was signing big name clients like J.P. Morgan and OpenText, what more could I want? As part of the process of our new chairman coming onboard, it was required that each of the members of the management team undergo a psychological evaluation. Why you ask? Because growing a business is hard and it can break you. The investors need to be sure that they are investing in a team that can weather the inevitable storms that come with pursuing greatness.

My interview with the management psychologist lasted 4 hours. The output of that interview was a 34-page report that I picked up recently as I started to think about #IAmMyBrothersKeeper and #YouGoodMan. One of the sections of the report was about emotional wellbeing and resilience. Below is an actual screenshot of my results. 

As you can see, it turns out that although I had a high regard for others, I scored the lowest possible score one could get on regard for self. I was not okay and someone else knew. No more hiding behind job titles and ‘growth’. Below is the psychologist’s interpretation of that low ‘self-regard’ score.

 Munya: here are your key descriptors:

●      A tendency to ignore positive feedback and put oneself down.

●      Self-confidence easily knocked by feelings of self-doubt and insecurity.

●      Possible need to continually prove oneself.

●      May display defensive or rigid behaviour.

●      A preoccupation or excessive worry about personal shortcomings.

‘Your self-regard score was low compared to other leaders. Developing and maintaining your self-regard or self-esteem is a prerequisite for effective leadership. Having low regard in yourself may manifest in self-doubt and insecurity, worrying about your shortcomings and putting yourself down. Low self-regard may also distort your awareness, causing you to interpret experiences negatively (YES!). For successful people, low self-regard is often a byproduct of success; having received a lot of positive feedback, self-esteem can become exclusively contingent on getting more positive feedback. Such thoughts corrode a broader sense of self-worth and promote a preoccupation with the need to feel competent (How did you know?). A fear of ‘being found out’ can lead a person to stick rigidly to their comfort zones or to seek to prove themselves over and over again resulting in chronic uneasiness (that feeling was my second home). Feeling the need to constantly protect one’s self-image can lead to superficial bravado (this is like looking into a mirror), an inability to develop open and trusting relationships and rigid behaviour such as having to be the centre of attention, avoiding people altogether, insisting on being in charge or avoiding any responsibility.’

 Now, the reasons why I ended up in this state will be part of my contributions to this series, but I’m not sure they matter as much as the fact that on that particular day, someone explained myself to me and also made it clear that this ‘low regard for self’ was career-limiting and would almost certainly ensure that I would never rise to my full potential.

 Do you know anyone who has a low regard for themselves? Do you know anyone who doesn’t like themselves very much or describes themselves as a failure? Do you know anyone who is constantly down? Are you that person? If you are that person or you know someone in this struggle, let us take the first steps to doing something by raising awareness or beginning these crucial conversations with our loved ones.

Development Suggestions:

Firstly, it’s good to talk. In the UK, there are a few charities that have been set up to help men fight depression. One of the ones I support is called Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). CALM is a registered charity, which exists to prevent male suicide in the UK. CALM seeks to prevent male suicide by: -

●      Offering support to men in the UK, of any age, who are down or in crisis via their helpline and website.

●      Challenging a culture that prevents men seeking help when they need it, see www.yearofthemale.com

●      Pushing for changes in policy and practice so that suicide is better prevented via partnerships such as The Alliance of Suicide Prevention Charities (TASC), the National Suicide Prevention Alliance(NSPA) . CALM also hosts the Suicide Bereavement Support Partnership (SBSP), which includes Cruse, If U Care Share, Papyrus, SoBS and the Samaritans amongst others. This partnership aims to ensure that everyone bereaved or affected by suicide is offered and receives timely and appropriate support. Its members are working collaboratively to ensure this vision becomes a reality.

Personally, I have listed below a few exercises that helped me form more positive thought patterns and habits:

●      Once a day take a few minutes to notice your ‘inner critic’ and challenge it with the question “Is this really true?”

●      Give and accept compliments from others rather than dismissing them.

●      Each day, allocate uninterrupted time for yourself to write down something you did well that day and something you like about yourself as a person. Do this for 30 days.

 As I wrote in this post a few weeks ago, we are not okay. In fact, we have a crisis on our hands. Suicide is the leading cause of death among men between the ages of 25 and 45. In a 2016 survey of 1,112 employed men conducted by Opinion Leader for the Men’s Health Forum presents a picture of at least one in ten of the male workforce as significantly stressed:

●      9% described themselves as severely or extremely stressed

●      8% strongly agreed that “Overwork and stress caused by a need to achieve on the job or in school affects or hurts my life”

●      34% agreed or strongly agreed that they were “constantly feeling stressed or under pressure” and 11% strongly agreed.

●      12% of men said that the last time they were prompted to take time off work to see a GP was because they were “constantly feeling stressed or under pressure” and 11% because of “Prolonged feelings of sadness”.

Chances are someone in your life needs to read this. Share it with them before it’s too late. It’s not silly, it’s not weak and it’s not pathetic. It’s killing us. ‘My Brother’s Keeper’ is a series that will be running on this blog to tell the stories of guys who have battled depression and come out on the other side with something to share. They have decided to take the shame and stigma out of this critical issue by talking. We may be too late for some of our brothers out there but even if ‘My Brother’s Keeper’ recovers one person who is on the edge or makes it easier for the topic of depression to be discussed, it would have been worth it. We can win this fight. The mission is not impossible and you too can be your brother’s keeper.

My name is Munyaradzi Hoto, and I am my brother’s keeper.

** Action Item: Part of the ways in which we can help men that are in other parts of the world is to begin to pull together a database of similar charities all over the world. If you are aware of an organisation that works in this space, then please do get in touch and I will add to the list.

#IAmMyBrothersKeeper #YouGoodMan? #UOKM8?

[born4change]

You Good Man?

One of the most underreported issues in our world today is the crisis of mental health among men. If you have a man in your life, a dad, a brother, a boyfriend, a friend, an uncle or a colleague - make some space in the next 24 hours to ask them this question - “Are you doing okay - REALLY?” Even if they “seem” fine… just stop them, look them in the eye and ask them - “Is everything okay in your world?” Don’t let them walk away or brush it off. Let the tension fill the space if need be. The reason I encourage you to take that step is because of the following:

Over three quarters of people who kill themselves are men (Reference: ONS).

Men report significantly lower life satisfaction than women in the Government’s national well-being survey – with those aged 45 to 59 reporting the lowest levels of life satisfaction (Reference: ONS)

73% of adults who ‘go missing’ are men (Reference: University of York).

87% of rough sleepers are men (Reference: Crisis).

Men are nearly three times more likely than women to become alcohol dependent (8.7% of men are alcohol dependent compared to 3.3% of women) (Reference: HSCIC).

Men are three times as likely to report frequent drug use than women (4.2% and 1.4% respectively) and more than two thirds of drug-related deaths occur in men (Reference: Information Centre).

Men make up 95% of the prison population (Reference: House of Commons Library). 72% of male prisoners suffer from two or more mental disorders (Reference: Social Exclusion Unit).

Men are nearly 50% more likely than women to be detained and treated compulsorily as psychiatric inpatients (Reference: Information Centre).

Men have measurably lower access to the social support of friends, relatives and community (References: R. Boreham and D. Pevalin).

Men commit 86% of violent crime (and are twice as likely to be victims of violent crime) (Reference: ONS).

Boys are around three times more likely to receive a permanent or fixed period exclusion than girls (Reference: Gov.uk).

Boys are performing less well than girls at all levels of education. In 2013 only 55.6% of boys achieved 5 or more grade A*-C GCSEs including English and mathematics, compared to 65.7% of girls (Reference: Department for Education).

In a 2016 survey of 1,112 employed men conducted by Opinion Leader for the Men’s Health Forum presents a picture of at least one in ten of the male workforce as significantly stressed:

9% described themselves as severely or extremely stressed

8% strongly agreed that “Overwork and stress caused by a need to achieve on the job or in school affects or hurts my life”

34% agreed or strongly agreed that they were “constantly feeling stressed or under pressure” and 11% strongly agreed.

12% of men said that the last time they were prompted to take time off work to see a GP was because they were “constantly feeling stressed or under pressure” and 11% because of “Prolonged feelings of sadness”.

#YouGoodMan?