#angelisstudying

[angelofstudyx0x0]

DID and the pre-determined ability to dissociate. 

A ramble for the interwebs...

This is purely skeptical as despite us previously researching as much about DID as we could, we have taken a hiatus for the last year or so and have not looked deep into this idea. The basic idea, in all, is that some people just have the ability to dissociate to a greater extent than others. I have seen this in my personal life, people who have all the other markers to have a dissociative disorder that for whatever reason, have never really dissociated. Of course, as an outsider it might be hard to tell, but with conversations that go deeper with some of these acquaintances, it seems they really don’t heavily dissociate. 

I think there could be biological factors at play for this. I am no scientist, but in my family, there is me and one other person that have DID and I have seen others in my family with the ability to dissociate. Of course, a traumatized group of people is more likely to hold these things, but I do believe both environment and genetics are what create this ability to dissociate to a strong degree. 

There is also the window of tolerance to take into account, which I believe can also have genetic factors. Autism is genetic, that is known, and that seems to often lower one's window of tolerance on if something is traumatic or not. Of course, this may just be me drawing correlations to things that are not causes, but I do believe it should be a consideration.

Dissociation is not under-researched, it is under-studied. There have been plenty of thoughts on there being genetic markers in the past though I’m not sure if any of these were studied or if any scientific backing was put to these concepts. I think there should be a test study to check for genetic markers for people with dissociative disorders and a control group without a dissociative disorder to see what may be found. 

If there are any studies out there showing these possible genetic components, I would love to see it! 

[angelofstudyx0x0]

HPD/ Sharing the spotlight / “FP’s” / “Splitting”

I’m back at it again on my soap box to talk about my symptoms!

Before I continue ; I am not diagnosed with HPD, this is speculation based on my own research, NEVER self diagnose based off of my tumblr posts, please do your own research.

That being said, I’m open to other possibilities of these symptoms, I am just connecting it to my HPD knowledge. Comments are always open for discussion; informational resources are always welcome.

Now that all my fore warnings are out of the way, let’s get into it.

When I was younger , and I find it funny as Personality Disorders cannot be diagnosed until adulthood, but I digress on that, I believed I had BPD. I had, still do have, very rapid changing emotions. I am self aware enough now to do my best to keep them in check, but I am still not in total control of them. I also experienced “Favorite Person” like experiences which in my knowledge is more of a community coined term for Borderline and not scientific- I might be wrong on that. 

These “Favorite People” were my everything, they were not without fault but I would push the blame off, ignore it, put it on myself. They were on a pedestal, much like how people with BPD describe it, only it was not that. I did not have one or two of these people, I had several, and it was not often about seeing them as better no, it was about a need for their attention, and giving them all of mine in return.

If they spoke to me, I’d speak to them ten fold, but doing things like asking questions, pushing into their personal space, telling them how great they were, and ultimately, trying to make them have a crush on me. I was damn good at it too. Annoying, yes, but those that I had succeeded with often put me on a similar pedestal. I was all over the place though, forgetting about and dropping these people when a new more exciting rush caught my eye and coming back with the same vibrato when that dwindled. I never did this out of malice, my love and care for these people rarely ever went away, but I was easily swept up in other ventures. 

And I never mean to sweep my actions under the rug, I hurt people by doing this even if I did not realize it. When I was younger - and Polyamory was an exciting thing going on in all my friend groups- I'd juggle these relationships till I was exhausted and break it off with everyone suddenly. As I grew older, I managed to keep more stable relationships but it still had a similar pattern. 

A period of obsession, learning everything I can about the person, and this part could last from weeks to years, then both of us slowing communication, till it falls apart. 

I have no clue if I am the one that begins the downfall of talking or the other person, maybe we are often both at fault, but its a typical pattern. 

There are a few people though, that are as I call “sharing of the spotlight” people, that have never gone away. 

One, an internet friend I've had since I was 14? (I am 21 now.) We don't talk often, but when I speak to him, I feel it again, the rush, the excitement, the want to know more, to be closer. The want for him to know me, to ask of me, to talk about me. This friend is much older than me and has never once tried to advance our friendship but several times I wanted to, you could argue I have a long running crush on him.

A second, my boyfriend of going on a year now, though this started just after meeting him my senior year in high school. An obsession of wanting to learn about him, of wanting him to learn about me. So on..

I also have people that belong in this category that I hate strongly, people I obsess over, that I want to know are still thinking about me and yearning over me. (Despite how many years it’s been since they’ve spoken to me.) I get a kick out of anything they post that might be about me and hope it is, about me. 

I’ve also notice the behaviors I thought were “splitting” when I believed I may have had BPD read more as either. 

A . a justified but over the top freak out because of someone genuinely hurting/upsetting me that was labeled a split by those around me.

B . a randomized freak out more resembling a temper tantrum when people were not paying attention to my needs in a situation. 

While I have worked on both of these, to take my behavior down a notch, I still have an initial strong reaction to anything resembling…

. Being brushed off. 

. Being criticized. 

. Being looked down upon.

. Not being considered in a plan/ situation. 

I don't believe this is splitting, at least not how it is used in BPD behaviors, because the person doesn’t lose any of their place in my mind. Not even while I am overreacting or crashing out. Instead, I am the one losing my pedestal. If I already do not like the person that has caused my freak out, it’s a euphoria filled haze of shaking anger that more reads as a high off the attention than a split of any kind. If I like the person? Then I have two options, make the situation worse to put myself out on top, or admit defeat and give them the pedestal. 

Rapid shifting ‘Shallow’ emotions is part of HPD criteria, while I do hate to describe my emotions as shallow, as I am never forging these emotions out of nowhere, and I do feel them, they’re not as all consuming as someone with BPD may describe having them. I can often reason out that it is an overreaction, even if I could not stop the feeling. 

Anyways… I just yapped at you for a while. I’m getting a headache, so I hope you guys enjoyed reading what I had to say lol. Let me know your thoughts if any of this made sense!

Just a reminder I do not condone any shitty things I have done because of my symptoms- ultimately those are still my actions, and I have done my best to make up for it to those who I can.

[angelofstudyx0x0]

Arthur dislikes Endos x0x0

I will never understand why people who are pro-endogenics try to change my mind on them. I was once upon a time, many years ago, neutral on the topic. I was like 14 though, and I do not believe that I should be held to what I believed at 14 considering my friend group [at the time] could nearly be defined as a cult. 

Dissociative disorders are a trauma response, DISSOCIATION itself is a trauma response. I would love for one of these people to try to explain to me again how it’s at all not. 

I am not saying you have to remember the traumatic event, no of course not it is literally a part of the disorder criteria that you have some form of memory gaps. If you do remember it I am not saying it needs to still feel traumatic to you. What is traumatic to a child will likely not feel traumatic to an adult, you might not know it was traumatic. 

Examples of traumatizing things for a child to experience;

Parental divorce

Familial death

Frequent parental fighting

Neglect

Emotional instability in the home

Bullying

Familial drug use

Frequent moving/changing environments

Siblings w/ severe medical/mental issues [which can cause neglect to the other sibling]

Frequent hospital trips

Non accommodated autism

I can go on, of course most people with DID are going to have a few of these, or a lot of cases of one or two of them. Guess what? That was likely traumatizing, congratulations, you are not endogenic. I do not believe you can have any form of dissociative disorder without trauma, though I will acknowledge I’ve heard some arguments for drug induced issues that I will hear out, usually that is not classed as a dissociative disorder though.

Endogenic spaces can be very unsafe, they tend to mix with radqueer communities [intentionally or not] and can provide dangerous advice/views. I do not care if pro endos aren’t in these spaces themselves, they are encouraging it. 

Our friend, who is a traumagenic system themselves, is pro-endo. We knew this when we were 14 ish, thought they had changed their mind later on as well, neither of us had spoken on it for years. Recently found out they are still pro-endo because they reacted negatively to us having ‘endos dni’ on stuff. I need to say this loud and clear, endogenic systems are not a thing. Neither are willow genics or anything else like that. I assure you, if you are genuinely experiencing all the symptoms of a dissociative disorder, you could have DID, but you are not trauma free, you may just not think you have any, or, you don’t want to admit it. 

Okay, Arthur out. Thanks for now. x0x0

[angelofstudyx0x0]

System Term 'Merger'

Merger ; Alter [often a host] that frequently splits and refuses with a-like parts, sometimes acting as a form of sub-system.

This was made for our host, if you'd like to use it or take inspo please give credit !