HPD/ Sharing the spotlight / “FP’s” / “Splitting”
I’m back at it again on my soap box to talk about my symptoms!
Before I continue ; I am not diagnosed with HPD, this is speculation based on my own research, NEVER self diagnose based off of my tumblr posts, please do your own research.
That being said, I’m open to other possibilities of these symptoms, I am just connecting it to my HPD knowledge. Comments are always open for discussion; informational resources are always welcome.
Now that all my fore warnings are out of the way, let’s get into it.
When I was younger , and I find it funny as Personality Disorders cannot be diagnosed until adulthood, but I digress on that, I believed I had BPD. I had, still do have, very rapid changing emotions. I am self aware enough now to do my best to keep them in check, but I am still not in total control of them. I also experienced “Favorite Person” like experiences which in my knowledge is more of a community coined term for Borderline and not scientific- I might be wrong on that.
These “Favorite People” were my everything, they were not without fault but I would push the blame off, ignore it, put it on myself. They were on a pedestal, much like how people with BPD describe it, only it was not that. I did not have one or two of these people, I had several, and it was not often about seeing them as better no, it was about a need for their attention, and giving them all of mine in return.
If they spoke to me, I’d speak to them ten fold, but doing things like asking questions, pushing into their personal space, telling them how great they were, and ultimately, trying to make them have a crush on me. I was damn good at it too. Annoying, yes, but those that I had succeeded with often put me on a similar pedestal. I was all over the place though, forgetting about and dropping these people when a new more exciting rush caught my eye and coming back with the same vibrato when that dwindled. I never did this out of malice, my love and care for these people rarely ever went away, but I was easily swept up in other ventures.
And I never mean to sweep my actions under the rug, I hurt people by doing this even if I did not realize it. When I was younger - and Polyamory was an exciting thing going on in all my friend groups- I'd juggle these relationships till I was exhausted and break it off with everyone suddenly. As I grew older, I managed to keep more stable relationships but it still had a similar pattern.
A period of obsession, learning everything I can about the person, and this part could last from weeks to years, then both of us slowing communication, till it falls apart.
I have no clue if I am the one that begins the downfall of talking or the other person, maybe we are often both at fault, but its a typical pattern.
There are a few people though, that are as I call “sharing of the spotlight” people, that have never gone away.
One, an internet friend I've had since I was 14? (I am 21 now.) We don't talk often, but when I speak to him, I feel it again, the rush, the excitement, the want to know more, to be closer. The want for him to know me, to ask of me, to talk about me. This friend is much older than me and has never once tried to advance our friendship but several times I wanted to, you could argue I have a long running crush on him.
A second, my boyfriend of going on a year now, though this started just after meeting him my senior year in high school. An obsession of wanting to learn about him, of wanting him to learn about me. So on..
I also have people that belong in this category that I hate strongly, people I obsess over, that I want to know are still thinking about me and yearning over me. (Despite how many years it’s been since they’ve spoken to me.) I get a kick out of anything they post that might be about me and hope it is, about me.
I’ve also notice the behaviors I thought were “splitting” when I believed I may have had BPD read more as either.
A . a justified but over the top freak out because of someone genuinely hurting/upsetting me that was labeled a split by those around me.
B . a randomized freak out more resembling a temper tantrum when people were not paying attention to my needs in a situation.
While I have worked on both of these, to take my behavior down a notch, I still have an initial strong reaction to anything resembling…
. Being brushed off.
. Being criticized.
. Being looked down upon.
. Not being considered in a plan/ situation.
I don't believe this is splitting, at least not how it is used in BPD behaviors, because the person doesn’t lose any of their place in my mind. Not even while I am overreacting or crashing out. Instead, I am the one losing my pedestal. If I already do not like the person that has caused my freak out, it’s a euphoria filled haze of shaking anger that more reads as a high off the attention than a split of any kind. If I like the person? Then I have two options, make the situation worse to put myself out on top, or admit defeat and give them the pedestal.
Rapid shifting ‘Shallow’ emotions is part of HPD criteria, while I do hate to describe my emotions as shallow, as I am never forging these emotions out of nowhere, and I do feel them, they’re not as all consuming as someone with BPD may describe having them. I can often reason out that it is an overreaction, even if I could not stop the feeling.
Anyways… I just yapped at you for a while. I’m getting a headache, so I hope you guys enjoyed reading what I had to say lol. Let me know your thoughts if any of this made sense!
Just a reminder I do not condone any shitty things I have done because of my symptoms- ultimately those are still my actions, and I have done my best to make up for it to those who I can.