#anger log

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Anger Log, by Catarrh Nisin, Dekishi

[demonsupallnight]

BPD Anger Log 1

6/3/19, dinnertime

I have been sick for a week and have pink eye on top of the severe infection. The infection is subsiding but I still have low energy. My roommate and I discuss dinner options and decide upon plain cheese quesadillas. She offers to make them since I still don’t have very much energy.

Me: No no no don’t do it that way. Trust me. You don’t need to grease that skillet beforehand.

K: But I always do it this way

Me: Trust me please.

Me: Oh God, I’m gonna micromanage quesadilla making.

Me: I want to do it. I can cook. You don’t need to.

K: No I’ve got it!

Me: Watches in horror as she has the heat on full blast.

Me: Honey you’re gonna burn it with the heat that high.

K: Turns the heat down absurdly low.

Me: Walks away because I can feel my anger getting to the boiling point and there’s no use yelling about quesadillas.

Me: Returns to see the first finished quesadilla. It is floppy and the tortilla isn’t toasted.

Me: Sits on the couch and tries to not be frustrated that she doesn’t make quesadillas as good as I do. Tries to figure out how to use kind words to explain my frustration with the quesadillas.

K: Dinner’s ready!

Me: The reason I’m frustrated is because I offered to make the quesadillas and you turned me down and ...

Me: Trails off because I was about to say “you can’t make them right.”

K: Just because I don’t make them just like you do doesn’t mean that I can’t make them.

Me: Anger starting to boil

Me: That’s not -

Me: I need some space. I need to step away and calm down

K: That’s not fair!

Me: EXPLODES. Words were said but who knows what they were.

Me: Goes to room and slams door.

K: Sits on the couch and cries and eats her quesadilla. (Note: She cries at the drop of a hat. She cries hardest when she’s angry. And she was angry and her feelings were hurt.)

Me: Screams into my pillow 3 times as loud as I can to get some of the frustration out. (Note: I am recovering from an illness where my throat was very nearly swollen shut before medical intervention. I am in an extraordinary amount of pain due to this screaming and the illness.)

Me: Leaves my room and sees her sitting on the couch crying with her quesadilla.

Me: Leans against the wall

Me: I’m angry because you said it wasn’t fair that I needed to step away to calm down. I didn’t WANT to yell at you and I knew that was coming and instead of letting me cool off so we could communicate you said it wasn’t fair!

K: That’s not what I said!

Me: YES IT WAS! I was just trying to calm down so we didn’t get into a shouting match about stupid quesadillas!! The words “that’s not fair” literally came out of your mouth immediately after I said I needed to step away!

Me: Smacks the back of my head against the wall hard, three times.

K: I said that but that’s not what I meant!

Me: How the hell else was I supposed to take it?!

K: I was trying to say it wasn’t fair that you were upset about my quesadillas because it’s not how you make them.

Me: I KNOW it’s not fair that’s why I was trying to step away so I didn’t get this angry about a fucking quesadilla! I know it’s ridiculous!

Us: Giggles

Me: So it’s a timing problem.

K: Yeah you didn’t understand what I meant.

Me: It was a misunderstanding based on a timing problem. You were fine with me walking away but I thought you weren’t.

K: Yeah.

K: Eat your dinner. You’re hungry.

Why the fuck do I have so many goddamn anger issues. Why the fuck do I have fucking BPD? HOW DID I NOT KNOW I HAVE BPD FOR SO LONG. God so much makes sense about me now. SO MUCH.

Additional fact: K and I have had many talks about my outbursts. Anything that would trigger my extremely volatile anger would ALWAYS result in a meltdown for both of us until we started communicating better. She used to push me instead of letting me walk away and cool down. Now she almost always lets me walk away. I still go from 0-10 very quickly but if I can feel it coming or see a possible trigger I can take a step back and collect my thoughts instead of exploding. These outbursts are getting fewer and farther between. They’re still a problem and something I’m going to have to work on for the rest of my life, but I’m trying. We had a chat after dinner and I apologized for losing my temper over something so insignificant. And she looked at me and she’s like, dude you’re getting so much better. And of course I did the open mouthed stare. To which she replied that I’m putting in the effort. That I’m genuinely trying. And I’m not blaming her for my outbursts. I’m accepting that it is my responsibility to control my temper and I never used to do that. And I still made that face. And then she sat next to me and gave me a hug. And we both cried.