im literally curled in a ball clutching on to all my cat plushies like they're the only thing keeping me from floating off to another dimension or something. my head hurts, my life hurts. i just wanna be what I wanna be. I want what I need. I wanna be small and pretty and perfect. i wanna be perfectly androgynous, I wanna shift between on my rare fem days seamlessly. I want no doubt that I'm a boy, even when I've got the pretty pink skirt on or whatever. do I mind certain people using female terms? no, because it's been discussed, so I don't care. what I care about is not being good enough at either end of my blue-red spectrum. im not a cute girl, im not a pretty boy. im not good enough in general lately and it's only making this visceral hatred of myself worse. im not good enough at my job. im not good enough of a friend. im not good enough at confrontation or bad situations. im not good enough at being a goddamn adult, who feeds and showers and looks after himself. my hair isn't straight enough. my eyeliner isn't right, my makeup isn't good enough. my thighs are fuckin... the problem they've always been and the same goes for my stomach. don't even get me started on the gender-dysphoria-related shit, because of course the various aspects of my body concerned aren't right, aren't small enough or able to be hidden or whatever the fuck else, I don't know. im a constant ball of shit and self-loathing and as selfish as it is, as stupid as it may be, I just wanna be good enough. i just wanna be a pretty boy or a cute girl, depending on the day. i just wanna wake up and not want to die. I don't wanna be alone anymore.
