#angstblogging

[brotheralyosha]

I flew over to the the city that I’m moving to for my job and spent the last day driving trying to pick out a place to live, juggling making appointments with apartment tours and navigating unfamiliar streets and traffic in the very brief window that I have before my job starts, while trying not to be totally consumed by worries about my new job specifically and my ability to live the kind of life that I want in general. I still don’t have a place confirmed, so I have to get up tomorrow and do it again. I have so much to do and my anxiety is fighting me tooth and nail every single step of the way.

This is really, really hard.

[th4nkyoub3n]

it’s all in the past i’m just sad about it in real time

[brotheralyosha]

Re: that last post

Almost every single time I see one of those posts going around making fun of some famous dude for being ugly it’s someone who shares specific features that remind me of myself, in some cases it’s literally the same celebrities that I’ve looked at and been, “oh, I look a little bit like them so maybe I have the potential to be desirable after all.”  Over the last couple of years I’ve been really deliberate in trying to challenge my beliefs about how others perceive me and my own agency in that, and working hard to bring my health, appearance,and overall presentation into something that I’m much more proud of. And honestly I’ve made a lot of progress and I am actually proud of that! But then I see posts with tens of thousand of notes joking about how ugly those people are and it feels like a validation of every negative thing I’ve ever told myself about how I’m perceived by other people.

Like if there’s some famous dude who I kind of resemble, and who has the time and money to eat really healthy, work out as much as they want, buy really nice clothing and have it styled to fit them personally, and have professionally trained stylists and beauticians and personal trainers care for their appearance, and they still get tens of thousands of people publicly talking about how gross they look and openly questioning why anyone would ever be attracted to them, then it’s like...literally what is the point of me even trying, you know?

[brotheralyosha]

D//n/t/ R/eb/lo/g

tbqh seeing all the meme posts about how ugly adam driver is...actually does get to me a little bit, because I feel like the specific features that people are picking up on and making fun of – the big nose, the ears that stick out, the kind of awkward angular blocky-looking face – are uh, the exact features that I dislike and find really unattractive in myself. I am really, really not trying to start discourse here, there’s just no other way to say it than that it just feels kind of shitty to get what feels like confirmation that the features you think are gross and unattractive are, in fact, gross and unattractive.

But I feel like I can’t really talk about that because there’s apparently this huge crowd of people who want to use stuff like this to say that Men Face Sexism Too and Making Fun of Adam Driver is Just as Bad as Being Homophobic and ughhhhh I do not!!!! want to be a part of that at all. I even feel weird talking about it here! But also this is my blog, so you know, whatever.

[thiefbird]

I think you're cool and I hope you feel better

Thanks, anon. I always manage to somehow

[vadgina-bush]

I hate when people tell me I’m not incompetent and useless but I know that they think I am.

This is my life as furniture. 😔

[th4nkyoub3n]

when feeling like garbage and treating people like garbage is the same thing then what can you even do

[th4nkyoub3n]

does empathy mean feeling bad when other people are suicidal? because that’s why i fantasize about some sort of suicide quarantine even if it makes no sense in practice