#anirants

[anironnn]

I'm taking a break from tumblr and hopefully will return when the next season of Stranger Things comes out💓take care

实在是搞不过来了，三次元太累，需要和自己的文化多待一会

淡坑自愈中，谢谢光顾

[inuani]

the thing is, because of how my memory works, I never actually leave any fandoms. I never really fall out of a series or a title or the like, because if it's something I read especially I never really forget. Therefore I can always come back to, if nothing else, the fanfiction part of a fandom. This is how I juggle like five fandoms at once. I have moods of what I want to look at or read and I just slip in and out of the fandom based off that. But I'm always looking.

[inuani]

You know what. Now I’m angry. Now I’m very angry. 

Guys, look. If you follow me, and I know I don’t have many (and that’s okay!) but I know I have a few, you must know I ship Stancest. You think just because I’m quiet about it that I do not? If you follow me, you must have seen and read my description. That’s the first thing I do when I check a blog. 

I have it right in my description: “Multifandom, multishipping with currently an interest in Gravity Falls Gen, Stancest, Stanchez, Fiddlestan, and Fiddauthor.” 

Just because I ship it doesn’t mean that is all who I am. And when you try to be friendly to me, having read the description on my blog, only to suddenly block me having seen my last post about Stancest makes me very angry. I’m sorry for calling you out like this I truly am and you know who you are but you knew what you were getting into my dude. Don’t be so shallow. 

In other news, those who were concerned after my last personal post, thank you so very much for your concern, I really appreciate it. It made me smile when I was very depressed. But things are a little better now. I’m just a piece of shit sometimes I guess. 

[anironnn]

Compilation of goodness knows what

I try ok i try

秋季到现在的一些画照片+怪图

没学过，不专业，画着开心而已，少管我

[anironnn]

Congrats to me for finishing the Silmarillian at last🥰🥰🥰…as an audiobook🥹

I wish i could really go back to paperback reading sometimes🥲

[anironnn]

still alive

yea i’m still alive just want to pop in and say hi hehehe

[inuani]

it has been a long week my people. And I don’t know where else to put this so here’s a good place as any. 

I’m not going to talk about the thing that’s made this A Long Week (other than no it wasn’t covid thank god) but it’s made me feel rather fragile. Teetering.

So, you know, the perfect time to once again literally close and pack up my job. Again!

I’ve never actually talked about this here and I’ve only vagueposted on twitter because, well, I’m a small ball of anxiety and talking about myself on the internet gives me the jitters. But listen. I want to talk about this and I won’t mention names so. Eh.

It’s actually rather funny, the history of me and this job. I’m not losing my job btw! I started as a 2019 christmas seasonal in this card retail job to booster up my other part time retail job because fuck it why not. And I liked it, especially in comparison to my convenient but terrible other job. And I got hired on the goddamn spot which doesn’t HAPPEN in retail. And the usual seasonal thing happened come January, I lost the job and was told if I was liked I would get a call. And I got a call, to the effect of: We like you a lot wanna come back and open up a brand new store in a brand new area with us lol. Of course I said yes and here I was, essentially a new hire still with one other new hire and like four mid level managers opening up a new store. With a new manager that I didn’t get a long with to the point I almost quit. Almost.

We of course closed in March. 

We reopened in late September and I was still a relatively new hire still. But whatever, I listened and learned when I could until late April when we closed again. For real, because rent was too high in the pandemic. I helped close the store and it was very emotional. And so I went back to my original store and for real was fully trained

Until late June when this fucking store opened again. 

But I was different. After five years toiling away at a hardware retail store suffering abuse and working a managers job without a managers pay and finally passed over a promotion in favor of someone I trained, I quit. And was promptly promoted at this card retail job I took on a whim. And I was embraced and respected, listened to, with a new manager that liked me. I came back to this store of mine triumphant, because I fucking rose above. It was different because after seven years of working retail and being ignored, I had valid opinions. I was a manager now, a low one but I felt seen. 

But our area is a financial one and traffic is bad. So thus, we come full circle. We opened very late January 2020. We close the very beginning of February 2022. I was there for Day 1, but I won’t be there for its last day. It’s probably for the best, but I’ll be there to pack it up again. Who knows if this stubborn store will be back but for all its faults its been with me for a rollercoaster. It’s been my curated effort. Thankfully, my job is safe but my direction is currently unknown. No one I work with at this place knows yet. which is kind of fucked up ngl

I’ve tried to be as vague as I could but I’ve just been feeling very emotional lately and a great deal has been on my mind. Sorry for rambling, I’m sure no one cares. I just needed to get this said out loud. 

[inuani]

I had a pretty bad dream a couple of nights ago and I can’t stop thinking about it when I close my eyes.

My original college years were weird for me. I have a boulder’s worth of regrets ending with me coming home midway through my third year because I couldn’t take my major anymore. 

But in true fanfiction style, I dreamed I time traveled back to my first year. How I decluttered all the extra things I brought with me because my anxiety made me paranoid. How, because I had gone back so many years I wouldn’t need to read all the fanfiction I had read, or all the bullshit I had done because because I had done it once before and I would just be rehashing old memories in real time and it would be boring. I wouldn’t have a smart phone, only a late stage keyboard phone so I wouldn’t be reading on there either because I was also mentally older and smarter so I would know the money I would be costing my parents in bills. How I would be a stubborn asshole, pick my major immediately as my gut told me instead of being forced to pick my second choice and be unhappy. How I would be even less stubborn and rent and get ebooks instead of insisting on paper books, which my anxiety would then force me to put off reading and making me fail classes. 

How, because I would be in new classes without the distraction of fanfiction, I would try to put myself out there and maybe make some actual friends. I would be in the place that made me? Happy? I felt so happy when I was away and I always regret leaving the first roommate I actually chose, and my friend, with little more than an apology note on her bed while I was cleaning out my side of the room. She hasn’t talked to me since and I feel that hurt to this day.

I’m constantly tormented by what ifs. This dream suckerpunched me in the gut and when I close my eyes at night I see my alternate universe. And I hurt.