So I got high again.
On the 22nd December Anna2 send me a message on Facebook. She asked if I wanted to come over and make pancakes… and I assumed automatically that she also wanted to get high. I’ve been craving an escape from my life for a good long while so of course I said yes. And that is how I ended up getting high off my tits on an evening that I was supposed to spend with my family. I felt extra philosophical while high so I grabbed my phone and this is what I wrote:
And I was sitting there at loss for words… I was so at peace for the first time in a very long time. Anna2 curled up under the same duvet as me and just as high and calm as me. Listening to quiet romantic music and there was just no words needed. So warm and numb from all of the shit that has been happening in the rest of the world... or at least my world. With all the things that have been happening and my lack of emptions about it it was just nice to be at peace with it and not always ponder my lack of emotions.
On the 23rd I packed up with my mom and we went to our vacation house for the Christmas… I’ve been without the internet for a while and it hasn’t been all that bad actually. I went on another date with Smilesandsixpacks and I don’t think I want to root for a third one… unless of course I get really lonely. I don’t know, I just don’t find his face attractive and I don’t really find him funny to be with… I mean he wanted to kiss a lot and every time he wanted to kiss me I just felt like I had no choice… I didn’t really feel the need to kiss him back. Anyway I am going to school in a few days, maybe I’ll meet someone nice there so I don’t want to get tied down… or at least that’s the excuse I’ve used on everyone else. I guess some of the truth came out while I was high on the 22nd… I feel superior to Smilesandsixpacks and that must be the reason why I don’t like him. You know that feeling that makes you dizzy in all the right ways when a guy (or girl) you like looks at you in that special way? When stars appear in your vision and you feel like throwing up and laughing about it? That sign that you are really into someone… I don’t feel any of that towards Smilesandsixpacks, and I know when I usually talk here on my blog I seem crude and uncivilized and completely without the need for emotions… but when Smilesandsixpacks looks at me I just feel nothing. I’ve done shrooms and he hasn’t. He is kinda stupid and I am kinda smart. I have grades in the high end of the scale and he is touching the bottom of the scale. I don’t know why this bothers me so much… I mean maybe it’s just him who is bothering me and not his intellect. And I certainly don’t know why I cannot just like him; I mean he’s a decent guy. Truth be told I never really felt anything about him… other than unsure and insecure. My oldest brother has everything. I am jealous and angry; I am not ashamed to admit that here on my blog. I’d never say it out loud of course. But I am. I am uncontrollably jealous of my brother’s life. He is so easy to figure out; he had the best grades and every opportunity in the world. He is nearly done with vet school and he has a girlfriend he is moving in with and they are already talking about kids and a house and marriage. His girlfriend is nice… I like her… I might have had a bit of a crush on her… but it is because she is so perfect and nice. I kind of hate it he always has to seem so fucking perfect. He is a bully; he bullies me and my other brother at every chance he gets. My other brother is downright evil. He knows where my weak spots are and he prods and pokes me till I break. I’ve been bullied by this brother for years on end; my parents could not do anything about it. And I am just supposed to forget it and move on? Truth be told it hurts me a little every time I lay my eyes on my brothers.
Anna2 wants me to move in with her in the city she is studying in and there are just so many reasons why that is a bad idea. She is undependable she is irresponsible, she treats me bad, she is unstable and she is a drug addict… I know people say that you can’t get addicted to pot… but she sure needs it every day. Lately I’ve been thinking about whether or not I am insane or at least on some level not normal in my head… I have yet to discover if I am insane… but it sure as hell feels like it right now.
The other day I was visiting Jonathan in my mind. Jonathan is a character from one of the stories that I am writing... we were talking about his relationship with another character I have created and which way he could see this story going and where he’d like to end up… and all of a sudden he takes out a knife and stabs me through the hand and into the table my hand had been resting on. I don’t know if he is trying to tell me something, but I’ve been kinds scared to return to him in my thoughts and I haven’t written another word on his story for about two weeks…