AnnaisTruth

This is my confessionbooth and I'm brutally honest

[annaistruth]

Moving and stuff

So dear blog, another update from me.. again written on the toilet, though this time it is a slightly different toilet. It is the toilet of my apartment. I have been living in this, my apartment, for a little more than one month. I think.

Days pass both slowly and fast. I guess I haven’t updated you, blog, for a long time. But I’ve been busy worrying about money, cooking dinner for myself every night and changing my own light bulbs… this is all to say that I’ve been busy growing up. There’s a whole lot of things that I haven’t updated you on. I guess I just start from the beginning. I’ve started in school. Spontaneously my grandma saw in the local newspaper that there was open spots in this design school close to her home. She knew I was (reluctantly) looking to have another gap year, I didn’t get accepted into any film school, so yeah… I had no where to go… and I’ve done designing before… My grandma called me and told me I could just call the school and see what it was like. I did, and I applied, and I got in.

So I started on the 1st of September studying fashion design technology and business. Schools pretty okay, it’s not the best but it’s not the worst either. It is a 3 ½ year education… the thing is that this education is literally in the other end of the country I live in, now my country might not be the biggest country in the world… but it is still pretty far… and I do miss my parents. Oddly enough I don’t miss the friends I had in my old town so much as I would have thought… yeah sometimes I get lonely, and I do miss them, don’t misunderstand me there, I do really miss them… just not as much as I would’ve thought.

So I moved to this other end of the country, I hang out with my grandma a lot now, I mean I haven’t been able to see her for most of my life because she was in the other end of the country and now we hang once a week. I help her with computer stuff and she gives me free food, it’s a good deal for a poor student.

I met a guy the first Friday I’d lived here, let’s call him the GWLJ guy with leather jacket. Now I think I liked him at some point, I mean don’t anymore. he’s not my type, blonde, broad shoulders and tattoos.. everything I usually don’t go for. But yeah, we agreed to keep things casual, we’ve been texting since the first Friday, then we got drunk this last Friday at a party. He fucked me in my apartment, as the first one who fucked me in my new apartment. And now I don’t think I even want to keep it casual with him… he wasn’t really that good, and he did go a little too rough… I mean I can still feel it when I sit down… he wasn’t good at fingering…. Let’s just leave it at that. TMI? I don’t think so. But I think he had a really good time, so that counts for something, right? He tried to make me ride his dick, and even though I would have been totally okay with it I told him no… just to see how far he’d respect me for… and of course he didn’t push the manner; a real gentleman… sure thing…

The real matter of the heart is another guy though.. gca gay captain America, he’s not gay though… I don’t know how he got the nickname but everyone calls him the gay captain America now… lord in the sky he is a mighty fine specimen of your creation, sorry I’m not religious at all I’m like purely atheist but lords I could pray for his broad shoulders everyday all day. The problem is getting in contact with the guy… we had a beautiful moment in the introduction camping trip from the school… like we spent all that day toegether and we like teased eachother and laughed and later that night we sat under the stars and held hands. Cheezy and very romantic… but now… I don’t know if he’s lost interest in me or what the problem is… I don’t want to seem desperate, I just want to like get in contact and shit… maybe also hump his face, but yeah nothing weird about that.

So my days in this strange new town I spend texting with the guy in the leather jacket I fucked while thinking of another guy. I also spend my days wondering why the guy in the leather jacket is texting me and not the gay captain America!?!?!!

Stupid boys…

To make matters worse since I am in a new town I don’t know where to buy weed, and I don’t know who is selling.. sigh…

I added some new goals to the list of things to do before I die:

27 take a hit from a bong

28 publish a book

29 publish a piece of art.

And crossed of this one as done:

Leave my safe zone without my parents. the original was about leaving the country, but I feel like in moving out I did infact leave my safe zone. 

[annaistruth]

The boring update

  Okay so another update in my dear blog diary, again written in my bathroom… sitting on the toilet. There’s something genuinely relaxing about writing this while in my bathroom, it’s like I can only share the truths of my life when I’m not wearing pants.

Is that weird? Are you weirded out yet?

So what’s happened since last time we spoke? Well I’ve been working as a cleaning girl at a hotel. I worked there for three weeks… then I quit. Partly because I couldn’t stand the people I worked with. And okay here you’re gonna have a truth that I’ve told no one.

I talked with my parents and friends about how I hated the job, and I may have over exaggerated the reasons to hate my job. Don’t get me wrong, the place was literally hell on earth, and I mean you have to be really tough to work at a place like that… and I’m not really tough… I’m more squishy… like a snail… or a serving of pudding…

So when I came home crying after having overheard my coworkers talking behind my back. Saying how bad and slow at my job I was I decided to quit.

I told my parents that they had said I was bad at my job, but I also told them that they’d said I was fat and ugly… a complete lie because they hadn’t even mentioned it… Maybe it was a reflection of how bad I felt about myself… or how bad this work place had made me feel about myself…. Anyway, I was mad at this place, I was mad at my boss and his boss… and just everyone! This place was filled with fucking back-stabbers and snobby bitches… and I wanted to go down with a bang.

So I wrote to the guy who owned the place that I’d been called fat and ugly, and that all the workers talked trash about eachother and even him (which is actually true) and I told him that the work dynamic was shit and everyone were fucking fake (again this is true), and then I said that I was quitting.

The problem is that I am terrified that someone from my work will come and find me. I mean I live in a tiny town, and everyone knows everyone. But hopefully I am moving out of this town soon, so… but still when someone with a withheld number calls my phone I don’t pick up… I shouldn’t be afraid of them, because they have probably already forgot me and stuff… but I am. I am actually afraid.

  So in other news I’ve been partying a lot more these days. And I’ve been in what we call ‘the street’ twice.  The street is this whole street full of clubs and bars, it’s about one hour away from my home (if you’re driving in a car, that is). The last time I was partying there I was with my friend Anna2. Anna2 never really moved on from our school time, she still gets high everyday and so we got high out of our brains and went clubbing after that. I was so high I don’t really remember walking to the clubs… but yeah we had a bunch of fun. It’s awesome going out with Anna2 because we like the same bars and the same kinda guys… longhaired with beards, not like gimli kinda guys… more like Aragorn or like the model Austin Davis.

  So we party and have a good time, and then the bars are closing around us… at this time it was 8 in the morning and bright sun outside… so yeah it was natural that the bars were closing. Anyway we go down to the harbor and she starts making out with a guy she’d brought with her… and I don’t like the guy’s friend enough to want to kiss him so I bail on them. I go over to a small group of guys sitting and watching the ocean, and I sit down.

I tell them that I’d come to hang out because my friend was making out with a stranger.

They were cool with me being there and asked if I wanted to jump in the harbor with me.

It is massively illegal to jump in the harbor but they have wet hair and have obviously already been in once. I told them I didn’t know if it was a good idea, they said that we should all be naked.

Out of the blue two of the guys took their clothes off and jumped in, it looked like so much fun that it wasn’t hard for the last guy to convince me that it was a good idea. I said I didn’t want to be naked in the water with them, and I kept my panties on.. and borrowed his tshirt.

I jumped in, and the water was actually warm… which was a nice surprise.

We splashed around for a while and Anna2 went home with the guy she was making out with so I was stuck on the habor. When we got up again I was cold and I had no place to go, so one of the guys offered me to come home with him… or well he practically forced me, promising me a warm shower and a bed…

Needless to say that I had sex with him that night, I don’t really remember his name, or his address but still I regret nothing. He wasn’t as good a shag as Drunkbilly, because I had no emotional attachment to him. And he was kinda weird and it was basically a pity-shag.

I mean the guy was a fucking freak. He was sweating so much that he was actually dripping on my stomach… like what the fuck!?  And he just took ages to come.. I mean I got so tired of faking it that I nearly just asked him to stop.

But eventually he did come and I got to sleep… but then only an hour later I wake up because he’s humping me… and then he wants to fuck again. I guess I was drunk enough to think that it would be easier if I just faked it even more then he’d be done faster… also he was just so pathetic and I felt so bad for him.

Almost at the end of the second shag he gets up on his feet and starts to masturbate… I ask him what the hell he’s doing and he asks if he can come on my face. I tell no he cannot, and then he asks me to suck his dick and I tell him no. At this point my pity and and patience at this point runs on zero.

He asks what he can get to do with me, and I tell him that he can shag me like a regular person if he can control his sweat enough to not drip on me.

So he finishes and I wait until he’s asleep to flee the place.

What a freak.

  So anyway that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life right now… well that and existential crisises and stuff like that… applying for every job in the book and getting only rejections… and applying for every education in the book and getting only rejections. So yeah. I guess that’s what’s happening in my part of the world right now. I’m kinda depressed over all of this, but also in a weird way I can’t bring myself to care that much.

Okay I am signing out now, thanks for listening blog, you da best *insert passive emoticon.

See ya. 

[annaistruth]

Drunkbilly

Aaaand I’m back. My school ended and boy do I miss it already. It’s like the school’s students had become my brothers and sisters and the teachers my parents! The first day after having come back I cried all day long! :/ I never thought I’d miss a school as much as I miss this one now! But now that I am back from school I can update more often again, so I’m looking forward to that. I can also get back to writing more, Lord knows that my followers on my writing pages have been raging that I haven’t uploaded anything for two months. For the latest boy drama in my life, read to the end ;) 

 So much has happened since I was last here on my blog, you should only know… There are a few things I can cross off my list of things to do before I die. These are the things I have crossed off so far:

List of things to do before I die:

1.      X Bang a teacher, X

Kiss a French guy

Leave my country and safe zone without my parents

4.      X Try getting high on mushrooms, X

Have blue hair

6.      X Find out what I want to do with my life

Love someone, break my condition and give all of myself to one person who’ll give everything of themselves back...

Stand my ground and not change my limits to accommodate people around me.

Have a proper and enjoyable threesome

Get it on with a girl

 Create something I can truly be proud of

Kiss a celebrity

13.  X Stop worrying about myself in too deep layers, worrying about my own sanity could take up three lifetimes, and I am not willing to waste life like that.

14.  X Live more in the ‘now’. It may inspire stupid decisions… but I’d rather be young, naïve and stupid than live my life with regrets of never living… do I even make sense?

Have brown hair. Yeah I know.

Walk where the cast of lotr have walked in New Zealand

17.  X Accept that I am me, for all of my body fat I will never in my days be a skinny model, so accepting myself fully is a must for me to be happy in my skin.

18.  X Try acting, it does not have to be anything great or even something that is shown to people I just want to try acting-class.

Make a movie, or maybe a sketch… I want to try both being in front of the camera (see above task) and standing behind it and filming other people.

Sing in front of others. Again this does not have to be a big crowd, I just believe that this is something that a person with stage-fright should overcome one day.

21.  Accept that it is okay to look up to someone and own up to it when I admire someone’s integrity or talent. It is not shameful to be impressed by other’s talents and I should really stop feeling ashamed and secretive about it.

22.  Be true to myself… and work on creating a sense of self that I do not have to or want to alter because of my surroundings. I am tired of being a chameleon in society… I adapt too much to my surroundings and become a walking clone of the influences I meet. I want to be able to just say “I know that you feel that way but I don’t” instead of always hiding my own feelings and thoughts to pretend that I agree with everyone on everything.

    And now I will add a few tasks to my list:

Visit Asia

Get married

Get an education

Get a tattoo

  So now that that is over I will get on to what everyone (me myself and I, since it feels like I am alone here in my blog) are wondering about. Who is the new guy? Because everytime I come write here there’s always someone new.

And it is true there is always someone new. The new guy is an Icelandic guy, let’s call him drunkbilly.

Drunkbilly is major fucking hot. I have always thought that drunkbilly was the living image of just the guy I wanted. Longish blonde hair and funny and just overall hot. What is the problem? Why have you not moved in and snagged him from the beginning? The problem is QueenofIceland, drunkbilly’s girlfriend. The have been together for 4 years, and were voted couple of the semester. This means in everyone’s eyes that they are practically married. so during the last few weeks of the semester my crushing on him really took it’s toll, and became stronger. But it wasn’t until we did some drunk snuggling at a the early ours after a splendid toga-party where he very drunkenly confessed that “I like you the best, Anna” and I very drunkenly pretended to be asleep. The week after at a party he told me that he kinda liked me, and I told him I kinda liked him back.

We danced after that, and it wasn’t just casual dancing, this was dancing that belonged in a sleazy night club somewhere in downtown Amsterdam. Drunkbilly then asked if I wanted to take it somewhere more private. I of course thought a big clear NO! I mean come on, he has a girlfriend and doing anything here would be so wrong! And QueenofIceland is the sweetest girl I’ve ever met!

But my mouth said yes. So he drags me halfway across the school to hide in the design workshop and make out like our lives depended on it. I did hold my ground though and every time he asked to fuck me I said no. then the door opens to the design workshop and his best friend on the school come in. He busted us and since then he made it his personal job to keep us apart.

For the fear of getting busted Drunkbilly and I never really talked when sober, but when Drunkbilly got drunk there would be no stopping him in tracking me down and pulling me away. Two days after the party where we got busted there was the Prom-party and Drunkbilly got so unbelievably drunk that he refused to go anywhere where I wouldn’t go. And right in front of QueenofIceland he yelled that I was the only girl he would do the shots competition with. Needless to say that he got tugged into bed before midnight and QueenofIceland started suspecting me and keeping an eye on me.

Four days later we were downtown in a club where we actually got to talk about something other than how hot we thought the other person was. QueenofIceland was watching us like a hawk though we did go back to the school together and spend like 45 minutes making out in the wet tall grass and on various locations on the school grounds.

  We had left the bar together but we had apparently been spotted by QueenofIceland, so when she got back home and Drunkbilly was still not there she got suspicious (again, again) and she knocked on my room door. My beautiful roommate answered and said that I wasn’t home either, in reality me and Drunkbilly were making out in the camping area behind the gym. We didn’t go further that night either and I promised him, on Friday we would do it.

  Thursday there was a party again and I left that one pretty early, at around three in the morning.  The next morning I found that Drunkbilly had texted me four times and fallen asleep on the couch in the living room. He had texted that he’d wanted to talk to me and that I should wake up, all in Icelandic… thank God for google translate.

  So Friday rolls around and I get both drunk and high. And I had honestly though Drunkbilly had gone to bed, so around 5 in the morning I decide that maybe I should also get to bed, then I meet Drunkbilly on his way to join the dead party. He suggested that we should get out of here, and I was about to say no… but then I realized that his girlfriend is his problem and not mine. I should live my life how I want to and Lord in heaven I wanted Drunkbilly. So I said yes.

  We went around the school, and ended in the shelter. We did more things than I have ever done and he fucked me rougher than I could have dreamed off…. And the more detailed description will have to wait. That could fill a whole blog post on its own.

  I left the shelter smiling, and I woke up the next day with a stomach ache unlike anything I’d ever experienced! I thought I needed to go to the hospital! Turns out I’d just been fucked so rough that I could barely walk… And then I left the school that Saturday.

Drunkbilly went to New York with a few others from the school as an after school deal they’d made, the rest of the school separated that Saturday because our 22 weeks were over. And I am left in my home feeling…. Yeah well… I think I’m in love with DrunkBilly.

And he is going back to Iceland with his girlfriend.

  So yeah…. 

[annaistruth]

I am beautiful

I have grown closer to the idea of actually becoming like … best friends with someone… Christ Nolongerlonghair has compromised my situation here… turns out, and I’ve known this for a very long time, that Nolongerlonghair hates one of my friends… and well I am sorta becoming best friends with this person, let’s call him curlsareforgirls…

Well she told me, when he first contacted me via facebook (he wrote this endearing sweet sweet message about how he kinda liked me and stuff, I know cute right?) that she didn’t want to ever be seen near him if I befriended him… and I got, not gonna lie here, really really offended by her snobbyness (again sorry nolongerlonghair) in fact as I am writing this I get kinda mad at her... okay so her reason for not wanting to even learn anything about this guy? Let me tell you:

She found him ugly. There, that apparently is enough reason to shun a person from ever coming near me? Like what the fuck!? First of all, my opinion about people being ugly, my honest to god opinion is: fuck that shit.

To my friend I am always like, “yeah you’re probably right”… and because she is so unaccepting I will go behind her back and just not tell her stuff, because guess what? I have found one of the kindest souls ever in this guy, and we have everything in common. We do stuff together that others don’t want to, example: He lets me chose the movie, so last time we hung out we watched two anime movies and it was great. I tell him everything, well not everything, because who really gets everything about me? Apparently I don’t ever tell any one person the bare-to-the-bones truth about me… but I tell him about what it is like when I smoke weed and eat shrooms… that is pretty honest…

I mean who is she to judge the people I associate myself with and how can she feel that she is so much better than curlsareforgirls? I mean, okay he is not the best looking guy out there, but neither is she the best looking girl out there… and why do we feel this need to measure our own status in society after other peoples physical exterior? Like do you feel qualified to be better than everyone else if you are hotter than them? This judging system is one of the most unattractive traits in a person, and I am almost ashamed to say that my best friend uses this on probably a daily basis…

Do you want my honest opinion again? No? well fuck you and take it anyway: Skin is what surrounds our bodies, it is made from billions of cells, organisms, and what not to keep us alive, to keep us functioning. Skin is our outer layer, the layer everyone sees and apparently judges us by… but does anyone ever think about how awesome everyones skin is? Like without it we would die! I am thankful to have my skin, and curlsareforgirls is thankful for his… apparently we are some of the only ones who love our skin!? Physical appearances is one of the most judged things about us human beings, and society constantly feeds us with models to make us crave a more aesthetic appearance.. but who are we really kidding? We’re never going to amount to that… and I am sad to say that most people who actually amounts to that often hates themselves afterwards because they let go of themselves along the way…   tell me what you think blog, am I wrong here? Or am I just high on too much ice-cream and coco right now?

I mean, curlsareforgirls and I talked this over the other day, the whole question of what beauty is and all that crap and we were both very much on the same page about the whole question of the ideal beauty of the modern age: that it has deteriorated, not only in the beauty it holds but also in the bodily function… this is us comparing the image of beauty from a hundred years ago (a fuller woman with love handles and all) with a skeleton from the runways of this year’s spring summer collection… and the bad condition such a thin body is in…

I am getting sidetracked here, I just want to say this:

If I am to go all gay and lesbian on a woman, my choice of woman has been Adele for a very long time. There is something about her and her fight for fame that I deeply admire… she is stunning in every way and I would feel honored to go down on her.

This is to say that I have a weakness for people who might not be the ideal of modern beauty, but rather make you think outside the box and rewrite the book of your own personal ideals…

I leave you with this question: what is beauty?

  I can’t tell you what beauty is today, because I think the term ‘beauty’ got screwed up along the way. But I can tell you what beauty really should be: the way you describe yourself and the people around you, for example: curlsareforgirls’s beauty is his intelligence that he hides from most people, it is the wonder that is his true laugh and the way he gets nervous when I look him in the eyes for too long. It is his morals and his ability to say no to things even though I say yes. And it is the skin that surrounds his body, covered in pimples and reddish, it is still beautiful, and so is my skin marred by stretch marks from before I lost weight.

  I am beautiful and so is he.

[annaistruth]

Waaaayyy too long since I was here last... sorry

Dear blog, I am way over the guy I talked about last time. It is so freaking over. I mean I cannot even begin to describe how over that shit is. He is completely wrong for me! The Anna effect of course happened and exactly 14 days after I had started liking him, I stopped overnight. He was the worst kisser I’ve ever had the displeasure of kissing with. And I have kissed a lot of people.. I mean a lot. I cannot even count the amount on two hands.. I think it’s over 40.. And still he takes the price of being absolutely horrible! I’d like to think of myself as not being shallow, but the bad kiss might have had something to do with me not liking him anymore.

He is very angry with me now, and it might be because I told him I didn’t want a relationship with him and then nearly had sex with him… only to leave him with blue balls and go to sleep.. I’m kind of a bitch. I know, you do not have to tell me that.

I am still flirting with my film teacher, and on that front it is going very well. We know the game and it’s like we are dancing around each other unable to even stop ourselves if we wanted to. He’s got a wife, and we both know that nothing will happen, but I think we are both equally curious about the other. I mean we get each other in some weird higher level I think, and it is of course very exciting with the age difference and the teacher student aspect and the sneaking around and the “being the other woman” aspect. On another note there’s a new guy I am kind of interested in. I am however also trying to be not so interested in him. The reason? He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever had the pleasure of holding hands with. He is seriously so kind and awesome and concerned with others’ that I cannot and must not let myself like him. For I know if I like him, it’s only a matter of time before he likes me back. And well… I guess the ship has already sailed. He likes me, I know that. we snuggle during movies, he puts his arm around me, and I’ve just now come back to my room from movie watching and holding hands with him under the blanket… So I basically just contradicted myself and I can now claim once again that I am a bitch, who could not keep her curiosity to herself and caught the sweetest most awesome guy in yet another round of the Anna effect.

Okay… so concerning that guy I just wrote about… This is me writing several weeks later, and yeah things didn’t go as planned. He kept pushing me, I warned him about my ‘Anna Effect’ and he like all other stupid guys believed that he’d be the one to break it. So I let myself like him and I let him like me… and then it faded… but it faded in a nice way this time, I don’t hate him now. I usually find something so annoying in a guy that I can’t stand being close to him, but I kept this one in my close group of friends. He is a very dear friend and I do still enjoy spending time with him. I am actually very proud of how I handled this crush.

So the new guy you ask? He is something different… Oh and I also had a crush on a girl here, she’s bi like me and it was like a week of crushing on her and then it was over. But the new guy… oh wow. He is from Hungary, and he is amazing. He is taking it slow with the chase, just like how I want it to be, and there’s a lot of teasing and misleading and drama… I hate to admit it, but he knows how to get me. He’s arrogant one minute and then the next he’s sweet and inviting. He’s a player and it has been rumored that he’s a cheater too… but I just can’t stop myself from getting all worked up about him… and can I just say that I am on my 14th day in liking him, and I still like him. So far he’s the one that lasted the longest, and hopefully he’ll last for much longer than this. 

I've smoked weed with him 3 times this week. 

[annaistruth]

Too soon on a blue moon

  So I’ve been at my school for 11 days now, and I think I’ve already almost sort of got a boyfriend… Yeah I know, what the hell right!? I mean I never in my life expected it to bet his easy to get a guy to like me. we talked for the first time on the 13th, and it was just like we clicked. We have a lot in common and to be honest the first many days I just thought we were heading towards an awesome friendship. But then on the party that was held at the school on the 18th we really got to talking and dancing and drinking. It was like it was meant to happen, I know it sounds totally cheesy but it’s the truth.

Oh and by the way the norwegianguy is okay, I mean I don’t talk to him that often and he sometimes acts like he’s better than the rest of us, but he okay on the bottom.

We shared a bed that night, I mean his roommate was so drunk and it just kind of happened. One minute we were talking about how he didn’t want to go to his room and the next we were in my room.

We didn’t have sex, but we talked for a long time… I can’t really remember what we talked about but I remember thinking that I could stay like that forever. The next day he snuck out of mine and Chia Yu’s room to avoid being caught and looking like we’d hooked up that fast. He was seen though. I mean I get why people would talk, it is like too early to be hooking up and forming relationships with people already. It’s not even been a month. It didn’t stop us from sleeping in my bed again two nights ago though… I mean all this sneaking around is kinda funny and exciting…. And then on the other hand I am worried. It has not been that long, and I practically know nothing about him. I am both worried about what people will think and say.. an already say… but also I am worried about how he is when I get to know the real him. It is said that people in public highschool hook up like rabbits and then only stay together for a week… and I don’t want to add to that statistic. I could see myself in a serious relationship with him, and I think that is why I am holding back on the hooking up part. We haven’t even kissed yet, but lord help me we’ve been majorly close to kissing a fair few times already… I don’t know what’s gone into me, I could practically have died from a heart attack when he looked at me today. Seriously he’s got me falling like crazy, I don’t think I’d be able to stay away even if he told me to. And the other night when we were drunk and sleeping in my bed, he touched me… not like in a creepy way but in a nice way… like he was getting to know my body, and lord he got me so wet I thought I’d gotten my period. I mean I had to go to the bathroom to check. Jesus. And we talked and he told me that he’d never met any girl as awesome as me, and I was like I can mention like 20 girls in this school even I would get with, so I cannot help but wonder what make me so special to him? Is he trying to just use me because I might seem easy? Or is he simply into weird bitches with body issues?? Hmmm let’s talk later dear blog, for I must stop thinking about this now.

My bed smells of him and I am creepily breathing it in. 

[annaistruth]

L’appel du vide

L’appel du vide.

That is what it’s called when you have a feeling of wanting to self-destruct. Like when you’re standing on a very tall building and you wonder what it would be like if you just jumped…. Not that you would ever do it of course. You know full and well that you wouldn’t do it… but your mind still wonders. I experience this a lot, this urge to self-destruct.

Dear blog I am proud to say that I am now at my public high school. I met my roommate, she is very nice. She is from Taiwan and she is 25 and 1.50 meters tall. Might I add that I am 1.73 meters tall… She is super funny and I believe we’re off to a good start. It’s been a hectic day and I am actually really tired and it’s not even midnight yet. I thought I would be scared or sad that I’ve left home like this, but so far I’ve talked to a lot of nice people. I met a guy from Prague, he was very nice and he offered me tea. I’ve never had a guy offer me tea before, so I was very pleased and excited about that!

So far I’ve seen a lot of cute guys, PragueGuy is one of them… there’s a pretty hot Norwegian guy here, but I think he’s the kind of guy who knows that he’s hot and thereby acts like a total bitch… but later judgments will tell if my assumption is correct.   A disturbing fact is however that I find that there’s already two teachers on this school I’d definitely go for, if I was given the chance… and one of them is a pottery teacher… I might have to get into potterey just to test the waters and see if there’s a chance *insert winky face that is also a little disgusted by itself… The pottery teacher is an old man with a big beard and he smokes a pipe.. yeah I know this is a new kind of disturbed…. I am just so fascinated by his beard and his pipe.. and I’d like to see what other than clay his fingers could sculpt… if you get my drift *winky face.

I also saw a girl whom I thought would be up for a little lesbian kissing… but it turned out that she was a boy… damn… I’ll have to find my lessie experience somewhere else… Look forward to the coming 22 weeks where I will explore the life as a student here, and possibly stalk the guys here and the teachers of course… oh my god the teachers… 

[annaistruth]

First update of the new year

For starters I made a list of things to do before I die, and the list like the rest of my life is a work in progress.

  This is what I have put on my list so far:

Bang a teacher kiss a French guy

Leave my country and my safe zone without my parents

Try getting high on mushrooms

Have blue hair

Find out what I want to do with my life

Love someone, break my condition and give all of myself to one person who’ll give everything of themselves back.

Stand my ground and not change my limits to accommodate people around me.

Have a proper and enjoyable threesome

Get it on with a girl

Create something I can truly be proud of

Kiss a celebrity.

    And not for the things I have done so far:

Bang a teacher x

Get high on mushrooms x x I allow myself to put two ‘x’es on this one because I’ve done it twice now.

  I have a long way to go, I know and the list is ever growing… and hopefully I as a person will to still be growing.

I will take this time to introduce a few new things to my list. I want to stress that this is not my new year’s resolutions; this is stuff I want to accomplish before I leave this planet.

  Stop worrying about myself in too deep layers, worrying about my own sanity could take up three lifetimes, and I am not willing to waste life like that.

Live more in the ‘now’. It may inspire stupid decisions… but I’d rather be young, naïve and stupid than live my life with regrets of never living… do I even make sense?

Have brown hair. Yeah I know.

Walk where the cast of lotr have walked in New Zealand

Accept that I am me, for all of my body fat I will never in my days be a skinny model, so accepting myself fully is a must for me to be happy in my skin.

Try acting, it does not have to be anything great or even something that is shown to people I just want to try acting-class.

Make a movie, or maybe a sketch… I want to try both being in front of the camera (see above task) and standing behind it and filming other people.

Sing in front of others. Again this does not have to be a big crowd, I just believe that this is something that a person with stage-fright should overcome one day.

Accept that it is okay to look up to someone and own up to it when I admire someone’s integrity or talent. It is not shameful to be impressed by other’s talents and I should really stop feeling ashamed and secretive about it.

Be true to myself… and work on creating a sense of self that I do not have to or want to alter because of my surroundings. I am tired of being a chameleon in society… I adapt too much to my surroundings and become a walking clone of the influences I meet. I want to be able to just say “I know that you feel that way but I don’t” instead of always hiding my own feelings and thoughts to pretend that I agree with everyone on everything.

  Okay that was that. I’ve been harboring a lot of these for a long time, feels nice to just write it down and be rid of this. I now have 22 things to do before I die… minus the two I have already done… I don’t know what to say now… I guess I should say thank you blog. Thank you for a good couple of months and I look forward to writing in you as I go along through the next year. I never really knew or believed it when people told me that having a diary would be really therapeutic and nice, but I have learned that I could not stop writing in you even if I tried.

It is the first day in the New Year 2014 as I am writing this, and finally I am feeling that I have actually changed over the last year. Every New Year I sit at home and feel that nothing has changed, but this year a lot of things changed a whole lot. 2013 was the year that I finally grew up and became an adult.

Becoming an adult at the age of 20 is kind of weird, but I can tell you dear blog that my oldest brother is turning 25 in February and he is not yet an adult… let that sink in for a while.

  I will have to be going in a while. I just wanted to make this post for myself. I hope that 2014 will bring much happiness and be the year where I figure out what education I will take, and start the education or at least try out for it. On the 12th of January I will start my 22 weeks public high school stay, I can’t really describe what a public high school stay is because it is something we only have in my country… I think… the term public high school has been used for it because it is what comes closest to it, but it doesn’t really describe it properly.  I think that will be fun, my stay there that is… people who’ve done it say that it was the best decision of their life… I hope it will be the best of mine too.

So first post of the new year 2014 is hereby written and done. 01.01.2014 

[annaistruth]

So I got high again.

On the 22nd December Anna2 send me a message on Facebook. She asked if I wanted to come over and make pancakes… and I assumed automatically that she also wanted to get high. I’ve been craving an escape from my life for a good long while so of course I said yes.  And that is how I ended up getting high off my tits on an evening that I was supposed to spend with my family. I felt extra philosophical while high so I grabbed my phone and this is what I wrote:

And I was sitting there at loss for words… I was so at peace for the first time in a very long time. Anna2 curled up under the same duvet as me and just as high and calm as me. Listening to quiet romantic music and there was just no words needed. So warm and numb from all of the shit that has been happening in the rest of the world... or at least my world. With all the things that have been happening and my lack of emptions about it it was just nice to be at peace with it and not always ponder my lack of emotions.

   On the 23rd I packed up with my mom and we went to our vacation house for the Christmas… I’ve been without the internet for a while and it hasn’t been all that bad actually. I went on another date with Smilesandsixpacks and I don’t think I want to root for a third one… unless of course I get really lonely. I don’t know, I just don’t find his face attractive and I don’t really find him funny to be with… I mean he wanted to kiss a lot and every time he wanted to kiss me I just felt like I had no choice… I didn’t really feel the need to kiss him back. Anyway I am going to school in a few days, maybe I’ll meet someone nice there so I don’t want to get tied down… or at least that’s the excuse I’ve used on everyone else. I guess some of the truth came out while I was high on the 22nd… I feel superior to Smilesandsixpacks and that must be the reason why I don’t like him. You know that feeling that makes you dizzy in all the right ways when a guy (or girl) you like looks at you in that special way? When stars appear in your vision and you feel like throwing up and laughing about it? That sign that you are really into someone… I don’t feel any of that towards Smilesandsixpacks, and I know when I usually talk here on my blog I seem crude and uncivilized and completely without the need for emotions… but when Smilesandsixpacks looks at me I just feel nothing. I’ve done shrooms and he hasn’t. He is kinda stupid and I am kinda smart. I have grades in the high end of the scale and he is touching the bottom of the scale. I don’t know why this bothers me so much… I mean maybe it’s just him who is bothering me and not his intellect. And I certainly don’t know why I cannot just like him; I mean he’s a decent guy. Truth be told I never really felt anything about him… other than unsure and insecure. My oldest brother has everything. I am jealous and angry; I am not ashamed to admit that here on my blog. I’d never say it out loud of course. But I am. I am uncontrollably jealous of my brother’s life. He is so easy to figure out; he had the best grades and every opportunity in the world. He is nearly done with vet school and he has a girlfriend he is moving in with and they are already talking about kids and a house and marriage. His girlfriend is nice… I like her… I might have had a bit of a crush on her… but it is because she is so perfect and nice. I kind of hate it he always has to seem so fucking perfect. He is a bully; he bullies me and my other brother at every chance he gets. My other brother is downright evil. He knows where my weak spots are and he prods and pokes me till I break. I’ve been bullied by this brother for years on end; my parents could not do anything about it. And I am just supposed to forget it and move on? Truth be told it hurts me a little every time I lay my eyes on my brothers.

Anna2 wants me to move in with her in the city she is studying in and there are just so many reasons why that is a bad idea. She is undependable she is irresponsible, she treats me bad, she is unstable and she is a drug addict… I know people say that you can’t get addicted to pot… but she sure needs it every day. Lately I’ve been thinking about whether or not I am insane or at least on some level not normal in my head… I have yet to discover if I am insane… but it sure as hell feels like it right now.

The other day I was visiting Jonathan in my mind. Jonathan is a character from one of the stories that I am writing... we were talking about his relationship with another character I have created and which way he could see this story going and where he’d like to end up… and all of a sudden he takes out a knife and stabs me through the hand and into the table my hand had been resting on. I don’t know if he is trying to tell me something, but I’ve been kinds scared to return to him in my thoughts and I haven’t written another word on his story for about two weeks… 

[annaistruth]

Preparing for social-life suicide

There’s something immensely therapeutic about writing in your diary while you’re sitting on the toilet. This is something I have discovered within the last few weeks. It’s just nice.

I’m going to a Christmas party tonight as a sort of reunion for old students… all my former teachers will be there… this is going to be so fucking awkward… and my mission for tonight is to be mega fucking hot and be all like cold shoulder, hmm hmm snap snap. <-- I’m trying to be ghetto, if you couldn’t figure that out. 

So after tonight I might be ready to die, I mean all of my teachers and me drunk… this is bound to get embarrassing and humiliating. Oh well what’s life if you don’t live it, right? 

(If I get the chance I'm gonna go all kinds of crazy on my former english teachers dick yo, I mean c'mon he's major hot) <- you never heard me say that. 

[annaistruth]

Too much information, and testing my sexuality

Be warned, this entry will be very TMI. 

I’m home now. I really enjoyed staying at my grandmother’s house… I had some alone time and I had some granny time… and it was all fine and dandy.

You know what really sucks? Periods. Yeah I know I know, everyone hates their periods and all that shit and the totally Christian people are like “your period is the most natural thing on earth, you should be thankful for your opportunity to have children blah blah bla Christian bull crap”

Yeah well fuck you Christian people I don’t give a shit about children, and when I’m on my period I can’t fucking masturbate without blood getting everywhere and it’s nasty and I have long nails so blood will go under my nails and cuticles.

 I haven’t masturbated in two whole days. Okay I sound like a person who masturbates all the time, it’s not true. Sometimes I masturbate every day and then there’ll be like a whole month where I don’t even look at myself. Don’t think me a freak, though you probably already do… I am you after all.

Maybe I should get a boyfriend, apparently boyfriends are pretty easy to come by these days. I mean when I was younger it would be one of the seven wonders of this earth if a guy should ever come over and talk to me. By this I mean I was the girl no guys would ever want to come near. But now… now guys are apparently lining up  to drunk call me and tell me that we should go out, yes Smilesandsixpacks is drunk-calling me again.

I don’t really want a guy though (that’s a lie, I am about as horny as any horny male teenager out there) I would rather have a girlfriend… yes I have been pondering my sexuality these days. I can’t quite figure out what I am… am I bi? Or am I hetero with bi-curious tendencies ? am I making myself believe that I am bi just because it would cause a bit of a stir? Am I just wanting to be gay to rile people up and be a little special? I wanted to figure this out, so I went through one of the most precise tests in the world to test myself, am I gay or not!? I’m sure you’re dying to know the answer! I underwent the google images test.. first I looked at women and then I looked at guys. Now I know I already appreciate the male body.. but looking at the female body I tried imagining myself kissing her neck and lightly pulling up her shirt, so clearly I could see myself both with a man and a woman. I thought I needed to go further in my investigation so I went to look at pictures of genitalia of both the male kind and the female kind. And this is where things got interesting. I didn’t like the penis or the vagina apparently. I mean lesbian honest here… did you get that? instead of let’s be…. Hahahah get a life Anna. Okay serious Anna is back, sorry for the interruption. Okay so let’s be honest here the dick and balls aren’t exactly hot to look at.. all wrinkled and nasty-looking, I mean ew disgusting. It looks like a turtle’s neck where those nasty skin folds are… just no, fucking hell don’t get that thing close to my face I will slap you if you do. And the vagina looks like that octopus in that ‘pirates of the Caribbean’ move where in the end Jack jumps into it with a sword and it spays him with slime… I’m just saying, genitalia is fucking disgusting but also very magical at the same time. I mean how can something so disgusting give such magical pleasure? That’s awesome! Have you ever had one of those days where you just look at your own vagina (or dick, no judgment here bro) and you just realize that your own genitalia is just so fucking disgusting, I mean wow talk about an octopus mouth between my legs… oh wow we certainly went far my dear blog… how did I go from writing about crushes on teachers to talking about my vagina on the internet? :o I don’t know, but while we are on the topic of my vagina; I usually masturbate at night before bed time, just like how potheads smoke a blunt before bedtime, and you know if I had a really awesome orgasm the next day I will leak fluids like the self-lube kind of fluids… is that weird or is that totally normal? I’m guessing it’s normal. Okay back to sexuality. So I have realized that I do not get turned on by looking at the dick or the vagina.. but I might be more attracted to just the general idea of sex and the act itself and not the components that make the act possible i. e. the dick and the vagina. I get more attracted to the idea or mental image of me or two other people engaging in sexual activities, for example I find the idea of me going down on one of my girlfriends very… interesting… I find that I get truned on by looking at /imagining sexual activities where one or both of the involved (this is usually porn) are getting real rough and tough… I like dominance play… is this all wrong and weird? I mean there are whole porn categories dedicated to this so I would think this is very normal… this is a normal kink, right? I actually think it is… why else would so many people buy 50 Shades of Whatever? It’s nice to know that I am normal after all.. so I guess there will be no conclusion to the question thus far, I still don’t know if I am straight or bi… but I guess I’ll find out one day, right? I mean I was down on Anna2, but it wasn’t good at all… I got a beard burn and felt like throwing up all the while… but that might just have been the tequila.. so I don’t know… I also did have Mathhottie’s dick in my mouth, it could have also been that…. Fuck it, I don’t want to think about it right now, I’m signing out. Goodnight blog, oh and don’t tell anyone about my vagina, I haven’t talked to my friends about it… and that’s because none of my friends masturbate apparently… so yeah no one to talk to, damn… So fucking untrue, they’re just embarrassed about it. I mean there’s only two kinds of people in this world: people who masturbate and people who lie about not masturbating.

[annaistruth]

Update of the confused Anna, who feels empty

So… how on God’s green earth did I manage to ’capture’ another guy in my web? I do not understand what it is guys see in me lately. I swear it is a mystery to me, like I have been  completely honest with every guy I’ve met (that is the last three guys, met them all within this past week) and every one of them have been texting me and wanting to get with me. so I’ve decided to be honest with people when I meet them because I am tired of being called a bitch when I suddenly don’t any interest in them anymore… but this truth telling crap might turn out to be bullshit. See I tell guys that I won’t have any interest in them after a few days, and to be honest the last few guys I’ve met haven’t even lasted three days… I fear that I am deteriorating in my inability to stand people… the first guy I talked to where I told him the truth (that I wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore after a few days) I’d already lost interest in him a mere 24 hours after meeting him…

The second guy was also the biggest mistake, see this guy has been a close friend for about 3 years. I was just hanging out with him as friends do… three days in a row. Now here is when shit gets weird… like, this guy and I we never really talked all that much, but one day I just met him at a party and then we started talking again. and having not really hung out with him all that much, it was weird for me suddenly hanging out with him three days in a row… it was just.. Weird. anyway, so I don’t know what the hell went wrong in his head, but he suddenly just turned my head and kissed me… and I really didn’t want that from him, like he is my friend, like brother almost. I felt bad though… he must have thought that I have feelings for him because of all the time I’ve spent with him lately. I don’t have feelings for him, I just couldn’t stand being at home.. he was my escape, and now that he thinks I’m his next potential girlfriend I just had to get myself out of there. (He has a history of getting almost engaged with girls and then cheating on them)

Well my plans to stay away from him didn’t hold through… I was out drinking, just two days ago. I was supposed to stay with Anna2 and crash on her couch… but we met Mathhottie in a bar and she got so freaking horny that apparently bailing on me was the best option for her… so she fucking tried to get me hooked up with everyone. She also tried to convince me to get into a threesome with Mathhottie and her.. Well fuck no thank you. I said before and I’ll say it again, I’m not going down that road… it was tempting though, because she offered me weed… am I really that easy, I mean there was a moment when I seriously considered it just to get high off my tits. like I said, my home situation is really fucked up right now.. and getting really high helps a lot. It just makes everything more… ok I guess.

So I crashed at this friend-guy because Anna2 felt the immense fucking need to hump Mathhottie. This guy now thinks we have something lovely and uncommitted.. well I’d feel bad telling him that I don’t really like him or any of the things we do… I’m just glad I haven’t had sex with him… or maybe I’d like that… I think he’d be really awesome at it because he’s had so many girlfriends… also he’s kind of aggressive… I’m sure he could fuck the living shit out of me… and that would actually be awesome…

Okay so the last guy was a guy I met that same evening I’d talked to him for a while and he was kinda nice and all. But when he told me that he practically loved me and asked for my number and a kiss I told him no. I didn’t even give him my number… I used to give everyone my number…

Well anyway, Smilesandsixpacks drunk called me the same evening… and I am sat here now wanting to actually go see him.. I kinda miss him, and then again I really don’t miss him at all.

Fuck me I’m too complex for myself sometimes… damn me, fuck me and fucking drop me. and then please please please just don’t care about me.

[annaistruth]

I cried.

So I just had a cry. It is 6 days since my stupid shit fuck birthday, and I am delayed crying over it. I had been happy just ignoring the goddamn day, but my friend asked about it today. She asked me what I got and if it had been a good day… she was nervous about it because I hadn’t talked about it… well I told her the truth, I told her that it had sucked donkey ass. She was sad for me, and couldn’t believe how a birthday could go so wrong. To tell you the truth this year was better than the last.

Today I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I would not celebrate my next birthday at home, I will not cry over my next birthday. My next birthday will be better, I swear it will.

I don’t have anything else to say…

My mother is disappointed in me again. it is all because of this stupid thing I have with guys and being unable to form a relationship. I think I push myself so far into believing that I like guys (when clearly I don’t) because my mom really wants me to have a relationship… sigh… I just want to be without complications… I don’t want all that drama, and drama follows me around these days.. I’ll come back another day, when I have something more interesting to say.

K bye.  

[annaistruth]

Dat update thou

--.-- Okay so all this happened so long ago, I don’t even wanna update all da dates yo. --.--

My blog, so much has happened since we last conversed.

Two days ago… Thursday… I went drinking in the closest big city with my friend. It was crazy. It was a really spontaneous move to make… you know just jumping on a bus and going to the city to go clubbing.

I had a good time meeting new people… It was Angelhair mc. Puriton who invited me, so naturally I hung out with him and his friends. It was a little awkward, because I really didn’t talk that much to him. I had told him that I was done with whatever we had had… and it was maybe a little cruel to take him up on his invitation to go drinking… but he offered… and I really couldn’t care less about what he thought it meant. I think he thought it meant that we’d be together… but yeah… that didn’t happen. In fact… the exact opposite happened. I met a guy, a nice and sweet guy who wasn’t afraid of taking what he wanted and didn’t really feel the need to ask permission.

I’m getting ahead of myself here… so to sum it all up: I went clubbing with my friend and Angelhair mc. Puriton. I didn’t really talk to Angelhair mc. Puriton… but his friends apparently thought that we were an item. So I was sat there with them all, and then at some point this girl he knows comes over and just so obviously makes a move on him. She was so drunk and so obvious… and he just gave this very nervous look as if to say ‘I didn’t ask for this’ and I just laughed. If anything I found it funny. My friend wasn’t really one for drinking… she knows about me and Angelhair mc. Puriton, and she spent most of the evening talking to him while I talked to the guy I met.

Well we are now at the interesting part of this tale of too many drinks… when this guy came and sat down at our table with his friends. Let’s call this guy SmilesandSixpacks (I have stalked his facebook pictures and yes… the boy really has a sixpack)

Getting ahead again: so SmilesandSixpacks comes and sits down with us, and I immediately befriend his friends… they are awesome and funny people and I am included in their plan of getting SmilesandSixpacks really fucking hammered… he apparently never gets that drunk. My friend and I completely let the desperate girl   have Angelhair mc. Puriton and we start getting this new guy drunk… I was amazed at how easily and effortlessly I clicked with this guy… it was like the conversation just had a natural flow… like there was no hurry. We talked about this and that and well when the time came where Angelhair mc. Puriton decided we’d move on I invited him to come with us, he was very happy and followed us instantly.

We stayed at the new place for a little before we moved on to the next, I had SmilesandSixpacks with me at every place… and right before we entered the next bar I gestured for him to follow me down to the bathrooms. We only had a few seconds to ourselves and he really didn’t ask before he just lightly pushed me against the nearest wall and kissed me.  It was so nice and refreshing that he could just take initiative like that.

So the night goes on and we get more and more comfortable with each other… I ask him if he’s smoked weed before and he tells me yes… I guess I am glad that he was honest and well I am happy that he’s tried a few things there because it would really suck for me if he was totally strict about smoking weed when I’ve done it a few times now and liked it. don’t worry he hasn’t tried anything other than weed and cigarettes… which is good too. Like I don’t want to get involved with a guy who’s done hard drugs.

I in my drunkenness told him about the pot, the hash the shrooms and my being a bit gay sometimes… I told him about Anna2 well I just told him I’d had sex with her… no need to tell him about the whole threesome with a teacher part… no need for that…

So time pretty much blurs and I don’t know in what order things happened after that (yes I was drunk out of my mind) Angelhair mc. Puriton left to go home, I danced with SmilesandSixpacks, I snogged with SmilesandSixpacks… and then I met a girl from my boarding school (this girl deserves a blog post of her own because of how much she has influenced my life, she was my first kiss, first snog and first girl crush, we have a history of snogging with each other every time we get drunk near one another)

So naturally I snogged this girl, like we always do, Smilesandsixpacks didn’t seem to mind at all, in fact I think he liked it a lot.

My friend however thought it was very weird and unnecessary, I don’t know… she seemed very offended by it. but everyone else liked it, I liked it and the girl I snogged really liked it, she said that she had missed me and really still liked me… I mean if everyone else didn’t mind… it shouldn’t really matter that nolongerlonghair hated it, like fuck that, and fuck her for being so narrow minded.  I mean it’s not like we had sex right there in front of her… we just danced and made out like worn out drunk lesbians… well at some point Smilesandsixpacks goes outside to smoke a bit, and when I ask nolongerlonghair if she has seen him, she just looks at me and says that he saw it all (meaning me and the girl snogging) and that he was so angry and hurt that he left. I was very sad about that, y’know the drunkenness is like making a bigger deal out of everything, so I was very sad and went out to find him and apologize. Well I did find him, outside smoking with his friends…. So I asked him if he was alright and if he was mad at me. he looked at me confused and I told him what nolongerlonghair had told me, and he laughed at me.

So apparently he was 100% fine with that, and he had apparently snogged his best mate to make me understand, but I don’t remember that (and I regret not remembering that so much right now… would’ve been hot as hell)

  --- can I just take a moment to say that I am not wearing underwear as I am writing this naked in my bed… yeah I know too much information right?? Hah! Deal with it hun!----

  So I found a guy who was as relaxed about snogging as I was, it was definitely a plus. The night pretty much goes slow after that… like we crash at a friend’s place as an afterparty. I snog a little more with the girl and then Smilesandsixpacks. So… yeah that was that night. I mean at some point nolongerlonghair gets me to a bus and makes sure we get home alright.

So we will continue this epic tale in the next blog… because now comes the time of nearly falling in love with Smilesandsixpacks and falling out of it again to where I am now… in a weird state of liking him and not wanting to be near him… damn this I complicated shit ya know.

    (All I know is that I find myself being constantly horny in these days… like what!? Never tried that before… am I becoming a guy? These days I constantly flirt with people, sending smiles to everyone… you know the kind of smiles that just say “yeah I’d take your dick if want to” and it’s not only guys… I like flash that smile to everyone.. even old nasty men… what is wrong with me!? )

[annaistruth]

It's my birthday. Yay.

So…

It’s my birthday today, yup, officially 20 yrs old now. I am no longer a teenager, and to be honest I feel as if nothing has changed… I am also sitting on the toilet while writing this, to much information? I don’t think so hun. Actually I just laughed out loud at that, hah! What a loser sitting on the toilet and writing in her diary on her birthday!

So.. birthday… I don’t know what is wrong with me, but this year and last year I really felt sad on my birthday, this year I have not yet cried, which is good. Last year I cried a lot on my birthday, and I nearly did this year too… I was fearing that a tradition was built, but I’ll go to bed early to avoid crying… yeah out-smarting myself over here!! Can I get someprops? What whaaat gangstaa.

Maybe it’s a fear of getting older… or maybe I’m just fucking weird. Birthdays are supposed to bring the family together in celebration of the birth of a loved one… but I always feel that my birthday distances me from my family. Like I will get all melancholy on my birthday and think all the big thoughts, like, what am I doing with my life right now… where am I going… what is the meaning of it all.

So I just got off the phone with one of my brothers, he lives kinda far away so it was nice to hear from him. My other brother on the other hand completely forgot about my birthday… so yea…

Am I being ungrateful? I mean it was a 20th birthday and I got two nail polishes from my grandma, my aunt forgot my birthday and so did my oldest brother…

I should go to bed now… I’ll have to get up early in the morning and work 11 hours again. at least my cat still loves me, she’s the cutest right now… I think she senses that I am kinda sad and she’s all cuddly right now. So stay on your tippy toes blog, because I am working on a big entry that will sum up the last few weeks, and it’ll be pretty good to get that one off my chest. I’ll go to bed now to have this day over with as soon as possible. Bye. oh and also I love you dear blog, for understanding my pain today and my sorrow and happiness. It’s like you are me, that’s how well you understand me… get it? it’s a joke… because you are me, like we are the same… ha? Ha? Stop talking to yourself anna, it’s fucking weird. Okay so anyway, I love you so so much, my closest friend. 

[annaistruth]

Being evil or being a victim.

Dear Journal,

I have long been wondering if there exists such a thing as pure evil. I am keen to think that there is no such thing as pure evil that exists in a person from childbirth to death. Do you follow me? like I kind of tend to think that the ‘pure evil’ we sometimes describe certain people with is something that has been grown in them through experiences and traumas they’ve experienced. In thinking so, often the criminal becomes the victim and most people cannot accept that, so often when I venture into a discussion of this topic I am often deemed weird or ‘phsycopathlover’.

  If we look at harry potter, my all-time favorite book series. Lord Voldemort is probably the closest we can get to a character being seen as pure evil. But there are many factors in Lord Voldemort’s life that leads me to think that it is not his fault at all.

Like he was born motherless and fatherless in an orphanage, not only that but an orphanage that seems kinda dodgy… like there was no love at all, I think I read that it was with a lot of children so little lordy didn’t get the attention a child needs to thrive. He was the odd one out, not popular and bullied… he shows early signs of being a psychopath (not showing remorse or feelings towards harming people) he seems to have no continence. He goes on a killing spree, killing muggles that so resemble the farther who abandoned his mother and his unborn self. I think Lord Voldemort is misunderstood he is just very unfortunate, his life started going to hell the moment he was born. He is deep down very guilt ridden because his mother died giving birth to him (i. e. he thinks he killed his own mother) his dad left him before he was even born… then he goes and discovers that he is a wizard and his father is a muggle… hatred is easier than forgiveness. He becomes a muggle killer, had he had a sense of remorse he would not have gone as far as he had… but psychopathy is an illness and not something the victim is in control of, and it saddens me that there was just no way in hell Lord Voldemort would grow up with all of these factors in play and still become a normal human being. His fate was written even before he had a chance to change.

  This leads me to once again question those who swear that true evil exists in some people (often people like terrorists are seen as pure evil, I have so much to say on the topic of evil and terrorism that it’ll have to be another post entirely) because as I see it there exists no evil, only people who grow up being taught to hate, or grow up being taught nothing of acceptance and respect for others… or people like voldy who grow up without love and affection, these are the poorest souls out there because they learn nothing of love, and in substitute of the emotion of love they have hate.. and they grow up hating everyone who ever experienced the love they never had themselves… 

  Okay so that was way different than what I usually talk about… and I don’t feel qualified to sound this artsy fartsy, not that I am revoking what I just said… I’m just saying… I’m no psychologist. Right now I am in a dizzy haze of influenza… you know that kind of influenza where your head is spinning and you feel kind of high and whoozy. Yeah that right there is me right now, and in my haze of world spinning and delusional thinking I find myself pondering these very big questions of life… like why are there homophobes in the world… homophobia is taught by the parents… so when a homophobe verbally attacks you, you know that it was his parents who made him this way…

  Man I gotta get some more sleep, I am not making sense right now. 

[annaistruth]

I'm a bitch and I watch porn, deal with it.

My dearest blog, my love…

  I have been away for a long time… I would have made something up like say I’d been busy doing important stuff… but I haven’t. I’ve had a writer’s block and I just couldn’t be bothered to even go on tumbler to check my dashboard… in fact I unfollowed everything to be free of people’s stupid posts about irrelevant stuff… like why the hell would I care about your daily fashion or what you had for dinner!? Go eat a live turkey you twat.

Okay, so as it turns out I’m a right ragemonster here on my blog… I hope you don’t mind, and if you… well then you have my sincere and heartfelt apology.

So my writer’s block is nearly gone… and I got a job… finally! I got a mother fucking job! Yes! Saving money like a pro mother fucker! I’m going to public high school motherfuckers! It’s so nice to know that I’ll be able to afford it!!!! *insert extremely happy face!

What else happened?

Oh yeah, Angelhair mc. Puriton drunk texts me now... sigh… leave me alone you poor boy… I feel bad for him now. And I try to turn him down… but I just can’t seem to do it… and also I kinda want to visit him again… for the sex obviously…

I kinda almost made a plan that when my work stops in November I’d go visit him and have a good time… I’m such a bitch… seriously someone should just slap me right across the face and give me a good shake and yell: “You, missy, are a right bitch and you shouldn’t hurt the poor boy by getting his hopes up!”

And to that I would think: ‘It’s really sad… but the truth is that I don’t really care’ I mean I really want to care, I do, I just can’t seem to bring forth any emotions about it… like I don’t feel bad… but I don’t feel good either… I’m just kinda empty on that subject.

Sometimes it scares me that I can’t seem to feel anything about some things...

I’ve been watching quite a lot of porn lately… and well I only ever watch gay porn so either two girls or two guys. Is that unhealthy? Should I be worried here? I just can’t get off by heterosexual porn; it does absolutely nothing for me. I must confess that half of the time I watch porn to get a good laugh… I mean… porn to me is hysterically funny… last night when I was alone at home I watched porn really loud in my room… and the guy fucking another guy was just so shit at ‘acting’ that it was just wonderful! I laughed so much!

And then I laugh because of all the weird positions they get into… like I didn’t know the human body could bent like that…

Oh and last night I found out that there was a whole category called ‘long haired dude’ it was wonderful, and after laughing and giggling and wanking a bit over the long haired dude I closed down and got a good night’s sleep… up for work in the morning y’know.

I’m thinking about my most active story a lot lately. I feel kinda stuck on it, but lately I’ve really come to love my characters so much that it actually hurts me, like really hurts me, when I put them through the hardships they must face… it’s fucking hurtful to see my baby boy go through all of that…

I’ve been thinking about starting up a whole new writer’s project, a kind of diary like story and then secretly smuggle some of my own experiences in there and when people ask “was that really what happened to you?” I could just be like “nope, don’t know what you’re talking about!”

  Anyway… I guess I didn’t really have anything remotely interesting to tell you today, I just wanted to be close to you again.

  For the list of things to do before I die:

11. Create something I can truly be proud of

12. Kiss a celebrity

  Song of the day: If you tolerate this your children will be next by Manic Street Preachers

Hot dude of the day, week, year and life (and all round my biggest idol ever) Viggo Mortensen.

  Sneak peek for next update: hopefully something a little more interesting… but I seriously doubt it, as I am working every day until the beginning of November maybe even longer.

  Should I run a spell check for your viewing pleasure… nah maybe next time, yeah?